Harry Potter and the Mirror of Etam Luos
Chapter 1: The Fucking Mirror
Once upon a time in a distant rural area in Scotland, there lived a boy named Harry Potter. Harry Potter was a wizard and lived among all of his other witch and wizard friends at a giant castle of a boarding school called HOGWARTS. But today at Hogwarts was not just any ordinary day at Hogwarts. Today was the day of the SORTING. Not the beginning of the year sorting, but an entirely different kind of sorting all together. Today Harry Potter and everyone at Hogwarts above year five were going to find out who their soul mate was. It was an ancient tradition that was forgotten about for centuries. Harry was really hoping that his soul mate would be his girlfriend Ginny Weasley, his best friends little sister.
The entire student body was ushered into the astronomy tower; those who were in year five or below would be observing. McGonagall was standing in the middle of the room, but instead of the stool and the sorting hat, she was standing beside a large gilded mirror. It was the Mirror of Etam Luos, and its function was to show you who your soul mate was.
Needless to say, except I guess not, because I just said it, Harry Potter was feeling nervous. He wanted his soul mate to be Ginny, because after all, it would be kind of awkward if it wasn't, and he guessed they would have to break up or something. He also wanted red-headed babies. The Sorting commenced, and Harry was so anxious that he hardly noticed when Blaise Zabini was paired with Neville Longbottom.
Then Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and read, "HARRY POTTER!"
Harry stepped in front of the mirror and gasped. It wasn't Ginny he saw, but Professor McGonagall herself! "...P-Professor?" Harry exclaimed.
"Well?" McGonagall asked, "Step aside boy, let us see who your TRUE LOVE is!"
"B-b-b-but... Professor...McGonagall?" Harry studdered nervously and stared disbelievingly into the mirror. From the back, Draco Malfoy straightened his robes and perfected his hair in his pocket mirror, getting ready for Harry, the love of his life, the apple of his eye, to say that it was him. He could just imagine them living out their days in matrimony in a two story house with a white picket fence. Their two children ran around the yard, one little girl, Dracona, with curly blonde hair and green eyes, and one little boy, Harrjameriusmus, with black hair and silver blue eyes, just like the moonlit sky on a very strange night.. Harry and Draco sat in lawn chairs on the front porch, sipping lemonade and watching their children. Harry was extremely pregnant and Draco was sexy as ever. As Draco came out of his fantasy, he realised that Harry was still staring dumbfounded at the mirror.
"Potter!" he yelled, "Let us see it!" When Harry still would not move, Draco ran over and pushed him aside. What he saw shocked the life of him, and he fell to the ground, dead.
In the resulting chaos, several more Hogwarts students died, caught in an unfortunate stampede. Professor McGonagall attempted to resuscitate Draco, but he was dead as a doornail, so they sent him down to the kitchens to be made into delicious snacks.
Meanwhile, Harry did not want anyone to know what he had seen in the mirror. He felt shocked and flabbergasted.
"What's going on, mate?" said Ron, whilst munching on a delicious galaxy chocolate bar.
"I'm sure I have no idea, Mr Weasley!" Harry exclaimed, quite vexed indeed. Then he ran to the window of the astronomy tower and jumped out. Hermione screamed, but he didn't fall. Instead, he sprouted large black wings and soared toward the Forbidden Forest.
Little did Harry know that his angst would soon be over.
McGonagall looked infront of the Mirror of Etam Luos and saw Harry's result. "Oh dear," she said, "This has happened to the last six students, the mirror turned transparent instead of showing their true love! I better fix this!" She kicked the feet of the mirror, and the surface flickered and turned into a mirror again. McGonagall called Dumbledore down to re-enchant the mirror, and all was normal.
Two students were crossing the Hogwarts grounds, searching endlessly for Harry Potter to get him to come back up and be re-sorted. "Harry...!" the younger one called, looking towards the Forbidden Forest.
"HAAAAARRY!" the other exclaimed, pointing up into the sky. Harry looked down, was caught off guard, and fell to the ground. The two students rushed over to him only to find a single black feather, but no sign of Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived had vanished into thin air!
"Where could he have gone!" cried Ginny, who was the younger of the two students.
"I don't know," said Tom Riddle, the older. "But I don't like the looks of this at all."
"You can't apparate within Hogwarts grounds," Hermione informed them. "It says so, in - "
"Then he must still be somewhere in the school!" Ginny interrupted. They all ignored the logic of this claim, and rushed off to locate Harry Potter.
Sure enough, Harry Potter was in the school. He had been magically transported back up the astronomy tower by Dumbledore, who is not dead because that hasn't happened yet. Anyway, Dumbledore snapped his fingers and Harry in all his winged glory crashed into the tower, killing about three or for more students in the process. They were all Hufflepuffs, so no one really cared that much.
"Harry!" Draco exclaimed, rising from the dead. "Your transformation into a Harlewitkanesqqzw saved my life! Your love brought be back from the dead! Come to me, my lovely bitch!" Draco ran to Harry, grabbing him in a tight embrace and sticking his tongue down his throat.
Harry shoved Draco off. "Ew. You are a whore. I'm not your bitch lover, I'm Ginny's. Fo lyfe, yo." he explained. McGonagall cleared her throat.
"Ahem. If we could carry on, Harry still needs to be given a soul mate." Draco clicked his heels in anticipation and blew kisses at Harry. Harry grimaced, stepping back infront of the mirror. Seeing his soulmate, his eyes rolled back into his head and he promptly fainted.
"WHO IS IT?1?1?1?1!11!1/111?1one!11?" everyone collectively yelled. McGonagall peeked at the mirror and saw...
HAGRID!
"Wait, this can't be right, the reception must be off on this thing..." McGonagall muttered, hitting the top of the mirror a few time with her fist. The image flickered and changed to Harry Potter's actual soul mate, but nobody could see who it was, because McGonagall was being very impolite and blocking the mirror.
"Mr Potter? Mr Potter, please wake up now and see your soul mate."
Harry's beautiful emerald eyes fluttered open. He was staring at the most beautiful silver moon. Well, two moons. Except they were eyes, not moons. They were Draco Malfoy's eyes. And they weren't really Draco Malfoy's, they were on an image of Draco Malfoy, in the Mirror of Etam Luos. Harry groaned.
"Uggggghhhhhhwhejhwdnjs. Why does this always happen to me?" He kicked the mirror and it spun around to face the crowd. Everyone gasped. Draco Malfoy saw himself.
"Damn, I look good. HOLY SHIT! I'm Harry Potter's soul mate! fo shizzle!" With that he jumped ontop of Harry and they like, omgz totally made out. Then they made sweet luv to a Barry Manilow record, because Harry was totally in love with him now because he saw the error of his ways. Everyone was dumbfounded but no one left because they thought it was omgz so hot.
After Harry and Draco's impromptu porno had come to an end, and all of the students had retired to bed, and the castle was dark, Voldemort sat in the middle of the lake on an inflatable pool chair and laughed maniacally to himself.
"My Lord? What's so funny now?" Lucius, who was not well-pleased, inquired. Lucius's long, glorious blond locks were hidden under a bathing cap, because Voldemort had allowed him only a purple floaty to tread water with.
"Nothing, Malfoy, nothing... I assure you... MUAHAHAHA!" was Voldemort's sinister reply.
"...Right," said Lucius, and contemplated the merits of drowning himself.
Suddenly, a mermaid jumped out of the water and landed on Voldemort's lap.
"Holy mother!" yelled Voldemort.
"That's right!" The mermaid said. Voldemort tilted his withered, plasticy head.
"Whatchu say?" he asked the fair maiden.
"I am yo baby's MOMMA!" she told him matter of factly. Voldemort gasped.
"You're that bitch that I slept with 16 years ago on my deep sea adventure!" he pieced together. Lucius looked at them both like they had just taken some bad E and they wuz trippin'.
"Yah," the mermaid said. "He goes to Hogwarts now. You prolly know him, he's pretty kewl."
"Oh?" asked Voldemort.
"Ya," said the Mermaid, tossing her soggy locks. "He's in sixth year now. He's some kinda mofo."
"Uh," said Voldemort, "is that good?"
"U can b teh judge of dat," the Mermaid said cryptically, and then yelled, "HEY, SON! COME MEET YO DADDY!"
Speeding across the lake toward them on an aquatic bicycle was...
Dean Thomas.
"WTF!" Voldemort shrieked. "YOU BITCH. THAT AINT MY BABY, I'M 7000003385734.42 SURE THAT THAT AIN'T MAH BABY! THAT BABY IS BLACK! And he ain't go mah beautiful face!" he stroked his snake-like nose lovingly.
"Well, bitch, I'll have you know that my side of the family is part BLACK IRISH. So all the black came through in him, but I know he's yo baby 'cause I was a virgin before that and mermaids mate fo lyfe, yo!" the mermaid explained, and gave a kiss to her son's beautiful face.
"Oh, sweet," said Voldemort. "So, mermaid lady, will you marry me now, and Dean, will you join the fucking dark side and help me kill Harry Potter!"
"Uh," said Dean, "I don't know, what kind of benefits are there?"
"Well, there's a full dental plan," Voldemort answered, "and a pretty good insurance policy -"
"And Happy Hour every Wednesday from four till five," Lucius chimed in.
"Okay then," said Dean. "I'll join the fucking dark side and help you kill Harry Potter."
Back at the castle, Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were out for a 2 a.m. stroll.
"Fine night," Dumbledore remarked lightly.
"Indeed," said McGonagall. "Even Voldemort and Lucius seem to be enjoying it."
"But who is that with them?" Dumbledore squinted toward the lake. "My eyesight isn't what it used to be, you know, Minerva."
"It appears to be the Mermaid ho that Voldemort had a fling with sixteen years ago, and their black love child, Dean Thomas."
"Ah," said Dumbledore. "Sherbet lemon?"
A/N omgz plz review!