CHAPTER 2.
the birth of the kill, yo
Harry Potter was leaning over his balcony, the one that they just installed in the dormitory to aid teenage emo punk scene hipster kids commit suicide more easily, and he was smoking cigarette. He and Draco Malfoy, his new luva, had just had SEX for 6 hours striaght.
"Harry, dearest!" called Draco. "I love you!"
"I love you too snookums!" said Harry. Just then, Harry spotted a snake on the lake.
"WHAT THE FUCK. I SAID THAT I WANTED THOSE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING LAKE!" he yelled, stomping the ground and taking a hissyfit.
"That's no snake," said Samuel L. Jackson. "That's Voldemort."
"Shit!" Harry ejaculated furiously. He jumped off the balcony, expanding his dramatic new black wings, and soared to the middle of the lake.
"Fancy that," said Lucius, as Harry Potter swooped down toward them.
"STOP HIM!" Voldemort demanded, and Dean Thomas turned to point his wand toward Harry.
"What the hell, Dean!" Harry shouted, his black wings flapping as he hovered in the air, creating ripples across the sable surface of the lake, "I thought we were cool! I thought you was my friend!"
"I thought so too, until I heard about the amazing dental plan that the dark side possesses!" Dean yelled back. "Harry, you have no idea... the floss! The floride! The fabulous whitening toothpaste! What would you have done!"
"That's a good question," Voldemort said suddenly. "Or rather, what would he have done for a klondike bar? I have heard that Harry Potter can resist anything... except a klondike bar."
"NOO!" Harry exclaimed, entirely unconvincing.
"Unleash the klondike bars!" Voldemort said wickedly.
But suddenly Samuel L. Jackson appeared, looking strained. "Yo, muthafuckas!" he addressed them. "Is you two the foos who can talk to snakes!"
"Yes..." said Harry and Voldemort.
"I NEED YOUR HELP!" said Samuel. "Quick, get on the plane!"
3 hours later, Harry, Voldemort, and the snakes on the plane were sitting in a circle, having a deep conversation.
"So you see," Harry hissed, "That's why you need to get off the plane." The snakes nodded in agreement.
"Okay, we understand," they replied, and slithered out through the emergency escape hatch.
"Damn!" said Samuel L. Jackson. "What could I ever do to repay you?"
"Well..." Voldemort and Harry said in unison, looking at eachother knowingly.
But they were interrupted by the Villain of the Movie bursting onto the scene!
"Where the fuck are my motherfucking snakes!" the villain yelled.
"I took care of them," Harry said calmly. "And now you're going to Azkaban."
"ON WHAT CHARGES!"
"Releasing Snakes onto a Plane, you dumbass!"
"Wait..." said Voldemort, scrutinising the villain, "I think I know you... oh yeah... I do!"
And then suddenly everyone realised who the villain was. It was...
Dean Thomas.
"What the fuck!" cried Voldemort. "My own son!" Voldemort jumped out of the plane in angst, ending his misery.
"Well, that takes care of that," said Harry, peering out one of the plane windows and watching as several snakes bit Voldemort on the way down. Just then Albus Dumbledore appeared on the plane. Dean took out his wand and pointed it at him.
"Dean," said Dumbledore. "You don't have to do this. We can hide you and your mother. Everyone will think you're dead. Like we did with Tupac and Elvis."
"Bitch PLZ," Dean replied.
"You are teh good!" Dumbledore exclaimed, his eyes twinkling like big disco balls only in eye sockets and not silver. Dean lowered his wand.
"MUTHA FUCKAZ!" Flitwick yelled, running onto the plane!
"Filius, please," Dumbledore pleaded. Flitwick pulled out a gun and shot Dumbledore 17 times in the head.
"Omg WTF!" yelled everyone.
"Haul it, Dean!" Flitwick snarled, and grabbed Dean by the arm and pulled him out the door of the plane. Everyone ran to look, but they had disappeared.
"I'm going to get them!" Harry sobbed, running toward the door.
"Harry, no, you can't!" Tupac pleaded.
"CRUCIO!" Harry shouted, and while everyone on the plane was writhing in pain, he jumped out the door as well.
Everyone on the plane stopped writing in pain and ran over to the window, watching Harry fall to his certain death. Suddenly, he sprouted his dramatic black wings and soared through the air. Everyone on the plane cheered and cheered until they realised that their pilot had been bitten by a poisonous snake and the plane was crashing to their almost certain death and destruction.
Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy was staring out the window, waiting for his soul mate to come home and make super sweet sex with him. Looking up into the sky, he saw his mate flying towards him. "MY LOVE, COME TO ME!" Draco yelled, stretching out his arms.
But Harry did not listen, and made a sharp left, heading towards Hogsmeade instead.
"WTF HARRY, YOU BITCH!" Draco screamed, and ran down to the entrance hall.
Draco charged out of the school and sprinted all the way to Hogsmeade, where he reached Harry just as he was landing.
"Harry, WTF!" Draco exclaimed, balling his fists and stomping his feet.
"Sorry," said Harry as his obsidian wings disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. "I must find Dean Thomas and Professor Flitwick."
"You rather have sex with them than me, is that it?" Draco said, a tear in his eye.
"No!" Harry assured him. "But Professor Flitwick killed Dumbledore, and Dean was in on it!"
Just then, Fifty Cent appeared in a burst of gold teeth. After the blinding light had faded he said, "Yo, bitches, I don't think Prof. Dumbledore is dead, y'know what I'm sayin'?"
"Uh, no, we don't know what you're sayin'," Harry replied. "He got shot. He died. Dude!"
"That's right," said Fifty Cent, "I would have you remember that I got shot nine times and I still lived."
"Well Dumbledore got shot almost twice as much as you did, and all in the SKULL. So he is DEAD like a really DEAD thing!" Harry yelled. 50 Cent scratched his head and considered for a second.
"Well damn. I guess yo' right." With that, he disappeared in a puff of silver and gold smoke.
"So," said Draco, "what now?" Harry stared out into the open sky determinedly.
"We find Flitwick... and we kill him."
"WTF, I'm right here, bitch!" Flitwick appeared behind Draco and him and Dean grabbed him.
"Now we've got your pretty lil' BF! WTF u gonna do now!" Dean exclaimed jubilantly.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo...!" yelled Harry in a fit of angst.He pulled out a gun and threw it to the ground. Then he pulled out his wand and shouted, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
"No, Harry, that's illegal!" Draco warned him.
"I don't care! AVADA KEDAVRA!" the stream of green light hit Flitwick square in the chest, and he flipped around through the air like a strange, dead, small, flipping man.
"NOOOOOO!" said Dean, falling to his knees and pounding his fists into the ground.
"Save it," Harry said, rounding on him. "You're next, bitch!"
"WAIT!" yelled Voldemort. "Don't kill my son!"
"Voldemort!" cried Harry. "WTF you were totally dead 10 minutes ago. Voldemort shook his head. He walked over to Harry and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"You see, Harry... while I was falling to my almost certain death, I had an epif... epiph... fuck it, I had a moment of mental re-birth. I realised that killing all those muggles and shitheaded, good for nothing, cocksucker, mofo, inbred, retarded, chicken brained mudbloods was wrong, and that they should be treated as equals. You see, during my childhood, I was trained to be an evil, mindless, killing and hating machine. I was took under the wing of the true mastermind behind all this killing and evilnesss. His name was Filius Flitwick!"
Harry and Draco gasped. "Flitwick! No wayz! I totally thought he was on teh good side fo sho!" they said.
"Well, Harry and Draco. It's true." Voldemort solemnly said. "And since I've realised the error of my ways, I would like to ask you if you will come with me to game 7 of the Stanley Cup tonight!"
"Okay!" said Harry and Draco. They left Flitwick's body lying in the middle of the street, and trooped over to the Butterbeer Centre where the game was to be held. They took their seats and chatted pleasantly.
Then, suddenly there was a disruption, as something huge and slimey hit the ice.
"Ew! WTF was that!" Harry yelled.
"An octopus, duh," said Draco.
"No, it's not just an octopus!" Stephen Harper exclaimed. "Somebody's thrown the Giant Squid onto the ice!"
"WTF!" yelled an angry fan. "It's teh RED WINGS! They are about teh octopusses not SQUIDS. Fucking magical bitches, I knew we shouldn't have held the final in HOGSMEADE."
"THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT'S DOING!" screeched another angry fan. Stephen Harper stood up, pulled out a bazooka, and shot the angry fan. Out of the bazooka came tonnes and tonnes of red and white (and blue) confetti.
"Bitch, plz. Hockey runs the government, not the other way around," Mr. Harper explained. Everyone nodded their heads in agreement. But Harry focused his big fat emerald sparkly eyes back on the rink.
"Well, now that that's sorted out, what are we going to do about this squid?"
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A/N thx to everyone who reviewed! plz review again!