The Evils of AU
By Artikgato
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7. I've also lost what little shreds of sanity I had while trying to read some of the monstrosities you people call 'fanfiction'.
Author's Notes: Ah yes, children, it is I! Artikgato, back by popular demand to bring you chapter two! Now, a little warning in advance.
THIS CHAPTER IS NOT AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE.
In fact, I don't think it's possible for me to write a BETTER chapter than the first one. It was just that good. Not to say this chapter isn't good or anything, but it's certainly not as good as chapter one was.
For one thing, there's less shounen-ai/yaoi. waves goodbye to all the fangirls Sorry! Come back for chapter four, though, there's plenty of shounen-ai/yaoi implications in that chapter.
Also, there's less Sephiroth in this chapter. waves goodbye to the rest of the fangirls ; He's back next chapter, I promise!
This is also, I think, a lot less funny than the last chapter. It's got less to do with my rabid, weasel-like hatred for all of the crap-fics on this website and all over the 'net, and more to do with my random wonderings while playing the game. Specifically, I started to wonder how my characters were feeling when I finally beat both Weapons… and stuff. So, read on if you want to.
Warnings: While there are considerably less pairings and implications of pairings than LAST chapter, they ARE still there. Don't take offense to any of them. They are purely for fun, I promise!
Note: if you see $#! anywhere, it's Cid swearing. Stupid stole away my curse censoring symbols! TT
And, as usual, please don't flame me, nothing is sacred…yadda yadda yadda…
Chapter Two: OMQ! Best Storyline EVAR!
"So let me get this straight, Cloud," Tifa started. "We're going on a quest to defeat a giant cactus and obtain him as a Summon?"
"Yes, Tifa, that's exactly it. Then we will go kill a lot of Tonberries until their king arrives-" Cloud began, but was cut off as Cid smacked him in the back of the head with his spear.
"$#! Stop readin' the Final Fantasy VIII strategy guide, ya damn idiot!" the blonde pilot barked, ripping the book mercilessly from the hands of his somewhat idiotic leader and throwing it into a conveniently placed fire.
"B-but...the Summons!" Cloud whined.
"Fer chrissakes, we've already got plentya $#$$ Summons already!" Cid snapped.
"Yeah, we've got Knights of the Round, Cloud! What more do you WANT!" Yuffie demanded.
"But Yuffie, if we get the Cactuar and Tonberry as Summons, we'll get their materia too!" Cloud informed her. An evil look suddenly passed over her face.
"What are you people WAITING for! Let's go get those summons!" she exclaimed. Everyone but Yuffie and Cloud sighed.
"But they don't exist in this game! We'd have to dimension hop over to Final Fantasy VIII, and we've already broken the fourth wall enough in this chapter!" Tifa replied.
"As short as it may be, so far." Red added, nodding solemnly.
"Aww, c'mon guys! They could be SECRET summons!" Yuffie tried, but to no avail, as Vincent slapped his human hand over her mouth and began to drag her off down the hall.
"Come on, Yuffie. Let's...get you to bed," he said. She finally wrenched his hand away from her mouth.
"But it's four in the afternoon!" she protested. Everyone shuddered at the smirk on Vincent's face as he continued to lead her away.
"Why do we allow those two to be a couple? It's creepy..." Tifa wondered.
"Because I can't really stand either of them, frankly," Cloud informed her, and then turned back to the rest of his group.
"Well in that case, what else do you suggest we do?" he asked them.
"Well...we could go on a suicidal campaign to attempt to destroy the Weapons that are currently minding their own business?" Cait suggested. A gleam flashed into Cloud's eyes as he thought about killing the weapons.
"Yes...let's go do that!" he exclaimed.
"Cloud, we all know how much you love to kill things...but the weapons are ridiculously overpowered," Tifa told him.
"Not any more ridiculously overpowered than any author-created force of ultimate destruction that we'll have to face," Cloud replied. Tifa sighed.
"Okay...you win," she said, hanging her head low.
"Woo hoo! KILLING! All right!" Cloud exclaimed, jumping for joy.
"$$!" Barret swore, joining Cloud in his 'yay we get to kill things!' dance. Cid muttered a few curses and promptly made his way to the bridge, to inform the learner pilot that they were heading for the desert near Golden Saucer.
A FEW MONTHS LATER, IN THE TOWN OF KALM...
The dirty, weary, and definitely worse-for-the-wear pack of warriors trudged up the steps to the Traveler's house.
"Amazing how it's been a few months and yet Meteor hasn't fallen yet, isn't it?" Tifa commented.
"Yeah, well, I guess it's just slow," Cloud grumbled as he knocked on the door to the Traveler's house for the fifth time.
"What're you DOING, Cloud! We NEVER knock on anyone's door! We just kinda go in, tromp around the house, steal stuff, sleep in their beds, terrorize their children, and have a merry 'ole time!" Yuffie reminded him.
"Oh! Right!" Cloud exclaimed, smacking himself on the forehead. And so they proceeded to tromp around the Traveler's house.
"Oh my!" the traveler exclaimed as he peeked through their inventory, which was stashed in an interdimensional hyperspace pocket, along with their weapons and materia. "You have the Earth Harp and the Desert Rose, proof that you beat Emerald and Ruby Weapon!"
"Umm...yeah?" Cloud asked.
"Can I have them! I'll reward you grandly!" he exclaimed.
"Well, okay, I guess," Cloud replied, exchanging glances with the rest of his teammates. The traveler took the two items out of the hyperspace pocket and ran off, giggling and shouting "I'll be right back!"
"What a weirdo," Yuffie commented, staring after him.
A few minutes later, the man returned, leading a golden chocobo by the reigns and holding three larger-than-normal Materia.
"Here you go, my friends! A complete set of Master materia and a golden chocobo!" he said, handing the Materia to a gleeful Yuffie and the chocobo to a rather stunned Cloud.
"But...we already have a set of Master Materia...we got it trying to find a way to beat the Weapons...and bred ten golden chocobos to find-"
"Enjoy them, my friends! I must be leaving now, I have to travel some more!" the man said and skipped off, whistling a jaunty tune.
At least, he tried to skip off. In fact, he would have been quite successful at skipping off if it weren't for Cloud's hand clamped rather tightly around his shoulder.
"We spent MONTHS training to defeat Ruby and Emerald weapon, and all the compensation we get is SOME FREAKING MATERIA AND A GOLDEN BIRD!" Cloud demanded.
"Umm...well..." the traveler sputtered. And, unfortunately for him and Mrs. Traveler and little Traveler Jr., those were the last words he spoke before he was quite brutally murdered by the merry band of travelers, and the Golden Chocobo (who had hated him from the start because she was the result of freak inbreeding, y'know).
After the beating was done, they commenced to pillage the Traveler's house.
"Hey guys, check out what I found!" Yuffie exclaimed, holding up a small book.
"What's that?" Tifa asked, but before Yuffie could reply, the booklet was swiped from her hands by Cloud.
"Gameshark codes!" he exclaimed, with a maniacal joy that made everyone edge away from him.
"Game...shark...codes?" Red asked, apprehensively.
"What the #$# are those!" Barret demanded. Cloud grinned quite evilly.
"With these I can do all SORTS of things! See, watch!" he exclaimed, and pointed the booklet at Cid.
"Spike, what're ya doing?" the pilot asked, fearfully. Cloud grinned an evil grin, and a beam of light shot out of the booklet and hit Cid.
"Oh, that is JUST NOT FUNNY," Cideroth growled when the smoke cleared.
"I can turn someone into Aeris, too!" Cloud exclaimed, oblivious to the look of D34TH Cideroth was sending him.
"Spike, turn me back!" Cideroth demanded, even as Cloud looked around the group for a new victim. He stopped at Tifa, and the brunette burst into tears.
"I always knew you loved her and not me!" Tifa wailed.
"Tough break, Tif!" he said, and with a blast of light Aerfa stood before the group, still bawling.
"Stop it, Cloud! This is getting out of hand!" Red exclaimed, trying to console the weeping Aerfa. Yuffie growled and smacked him on the back of the head.
"Moron! I found the codes!" she exclaimed, stealing the book back from Cloud and promptly changing Cideroth back to Cid and Aerfa back to Tifa.
"Thanks, brat. That was scary," Cid thanked her, glad to be back in his own body. Tifa just nodded, drying her eyes.
"Oh come on, guys! I was just joking around!" Cloud exclaimed. Tifa stalked up to him, glaring in hatred.
"Cloud Strife, that's it! I'm done lusting over you!" she exclaimed, giving him a good solid kick where the sun don't shine. He crumpled to the ground like a rag doll as the rest of the assembled party cringed for him. "We are SO through! I'm going to go have a night of hot passionate sex with Reno!" she shouted, and ran off. Everyone watched her go and sweatdropped (again, despite the fact that this is a game and not anime), not saying a word.
"What'd...I...do?" Cloud croaked.
"Well Cloud, you flat out told her that you'd rather have her dead and Aeris alive than the other way around," Red said.
"When did I say THAT!" Cloud demanded. Everyone just shook their heads, Barret making his way over to Cloud and offering his good hand to him to help him stand up.
"You gots a lotta learn 'bout women, foo'," he said as he pulled the blonde to a standing position. Cloud scoffed.
"Well, anyway, I'm definitely through with her. From now on, I'm going after Yuffie!" he announced.
"Just try it, Strife, and I'll kill you," Vincent warned, red eyes glaring balefully at the younger man. Yuffie's grin was nearly face-splitting.
"Woo yeah! Go at it, boys! Rawr!" she shouted, and everyone except her, Vincent and Cloud just decided to turn and walk away.
"I ain't touchin' that with a $#$ ten-foot pole," Cid said.
"I agree," Red, Barret and Cait chorused.
And somewhere in the distance, a cry of "WOO YEAH!" was heard, followed by a cry of "I HATE YOU, RENO!", followed by another, much quieter cry of "Elena, calm down!". And all was at peace in the world.
Well, actually, it wasn't, because in the bowels of the Earth, or Gaia, or whatever the Planet's name is, Sephiroth's ghost was stirring, planning revenge on the-
No, no, wait, this is before they killed him. Whoops! Never mind.
END CHAPTER TWO
No, I don't like Tifa x Reno pairings, either. Although I DO support Yuffie x Vincent...eh heh...