A/N: Chapter 1 of my novella featuring Inupapa and Sessmom. This is gonna be tragic, guys, so get a tissue box. Poor Sess! You will definitely be thinking that in the midst of the chapter. Shizuka is the name I chose for Sessmom. Read and definitely, definitely review!
Insane Love
Shizuka looked out into the cold greyness of morning as a mist settled gently, icily upon her shoulders, and she shivered. It was warm once, she thought. I remember it. She reached out blindly, slowly, to touch something that no one could see but her. Her eyes shone brightly with unshed tears that threatened to overflow onto the smooth curve of her pale cheek. Those tears that always shimmered at the edge of her eye but never, ever spilled over.
--------
It was the most flawless flower she had ever seen. "For you," he said softly, a whisper. It was a luscious white flower with smooth satin petals and glossy evergreen leaves. It was almost too perfect to be real. Shizuka took it into her fingers and marveled at the silky feel. She looked up at him and smiled. "It's beautiful." He grinned with pleasure. "Not as beautiful as you," he returned.
Shizuka laughed. "Waiting to say that, weren't you?" Inu no Taisho's brow creased with a faint frown. "No." Playfully, she touched his cheek. "Oh yes you were. I know that you are horribly uncreative. You'd never be able to think of that on the spot."
Inu no Taisho sputtered hopelessly. Shizuka put her finger to his lips gently. "Shh. It's wonderful. You don't need to defend yourself." He quieted. Inwardly, Shizuka smiled. She could always best him. He liked her sharp tongue. She wasn't like those simpering ladies who would only say what he wanted to hear. She was intelligent and well reasoned, and she knew he admired her.
There was a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she continued, "You don't need to defend yourself because you'd only lose anyway. You never win against me." His response was exactly as she expected it to be. He let loose a string of colorful curses, and she ran off laughing hard. "Hey! That's not true!" he yelled, shaking his fist and chasing her. "You had better watch your mouth around me," she yelled back.
He caught her, of course, around the waist. They tumbled to the ground in a heap of red, gold, blue, and white fur, softly upon the lush carpet of grass. Shizuka still held the white flower, and she freed her hand from his grasp. She smiled brilliantly and tucked the flower behind his ear. "You look beautiful," she said, turning the words back on him.
Inu no Taisho roared in appreciative laughter. "Thank you for the compliment," he replied mockingly. Shizuka's brow creased in careful confusion. "Yes, that's lovely, but
I don't exactly recall ever bestowing you with a compliment," she said lightly. She waved her hand at the flower blossoming from his right ear. "I was referring to the flower you gave me. It is very pretty, after all."
He frowned deeply. "Impudent woman," he growled. She laughed out loud, a graceful sound, and it baffled him even more. "You're so stupid sometimes, Inu no Taisho," she teased. "I can't believe that you are a battle tactician. You can't even deal with me, much less with anyone else. I hope that our children will take after their mother."
Inu no Taisho's lips twitched at the corners. "Well, if you're hoping that the children are smart, than I don't know why you want them to take after their mother." He paused. "After all, there's no guarantee as to whether my wife will be a clever one or not."
Shizuka got the implications quickly. "Fine. Go find yourself another woman. I dare you," she said haughtily with her nose turned up, or as haughtily as she could, being as she was still pinned to the ground.
"Never, Shizuka. I'll love you forever," he said fervently.
She laughed. "Maybe one day, you'll get sick of me, and run off with some human woman."
Inu no Taisho grimaced. "Are you kidding? Those boring, weaklings? Why would I ever give you up for one of those things?"
Shizuka grinned. "We'll see."
He silenced her with a kiss. "I told you I'd love you forever."
--------
It was a burden to be female. Really, it was. Shizuka was desperately thinking this and cursing her gender as she lay sweating and panting on the birthing bed. Nine months of discomfort and now this. The midwife was bumbling around and saying that this was the longest birth she had ever seen, and Shizuka silently cursed her too. So that's supposed to make me feel better that I'm setting a "most painful and damningly long labor" record? Obviously, comforting women while they were giving birth was not this midwife's forte.
Inu no Taisho looked pale-faced and nervous. He was afraid to talk for some odd reason, and stared dumbly as Shizuka let out blood-curdling screams. It could have been because she was threatening his long, drawn-out death with every breath she took, but death threats had never scared him before. Then again, they never came from Shizuka.
After another stressful and very painful two hours, the baby finally slid out, slimy and bloody, hardly recognizable as a living thing. "It's a boy!" the midwife cried happily, stringing on about a million compliments. To make matters worse, the baby was wailing. Shizuka felt a headache steadily building up. The midwife cleaned the baby, wrapped him in up in swaddling clothes, and handed him to his mother.
Shizuka had never really cared for children. They were loud and messy and everything undesirable she saw in a person. So when Inu no Taisho eagerly informed her that he wanted many, many children, Shizuka seriously considered employing some low-life youkai to raise them, as she would never want to be within five-hundred feet of those frightening little beings. But as she held the tiny boy in her arms, she felt her heart soften. He was quieting down, just from being in her arms. She had never bothered nor tried to comfort any crying thing before. But there he was, and he wasn't crying anymore.
The midwife tried to take the child away, but Shizuka growled. She felt a surge of protective instinct that told her to never let her little boy go. Not even to let the midwife properly clean him. Actually, she was loathe to even let Inu no Taisho look at him, as he was bending over her, his nose nearly touching the child's. She squeezed the boy tighter.
"Why the sudden possessiveness, Shizuka?" Inu no Taisho teased. "You never liked children, after all."
She looked up at her husband and smiled. "What are we going to name him?"
Inu no Taisho grinned proudly, as if he had decided a long time ago. "Sesshoumaru." He glanced to Shizuka for approval.
Shizuka made a face. "Sesshoumaru? Doesn't sound like a happy name to me. This little thing doesn't look like he could hurt a fly." But Inu no Taisho was undaunted. "You don't want him to have a weak name, do you? He'll get eaten alive. He may look like a cute little bugger now, but just you wait. In a couple of years, he'll be as big as me, and you don't want him with a name like 'Sweetheart' or something."
Shizuka laughed. "I wasn't planning on naming him 'Sweetheart.' When have I ever been more sentimental than you?" She sighed, seeing that Inu no Taisho wouldn't change his mind. It wasn't too bad of a name. As long as you didn't consider the meaning. "I suppose so. Sesshoumaru, it is, then."
She gazed down at the sleeping babe, who had a bit of her and Inu no Taisho. "You're ours," she whispered softly. "Ours forever." And she cooed to him. Her baby. She wasn't ever going to let anyone hurt him. Her little Sesshoumaru.
--------
It was a marvelous three years. Raising Sesshoumaru was her pride and joy. She'd easily dubbed him the most adorable, most obedient, most absolutely perfect child she had ever chanced to see. Even his crying was cute.
Inu no Taisho was a little more uptight about the boy. He seemed constantly self-conscious of everything. No, that wasn't good for Sesshoumaru, no, that's not appropriate for a to-be lord, no, that's not manly enough, no, no, no. It was like he was raising a little cold-hearted statue instead of a warm, happy little boy.
"I'm taking Sesshoumaru with me for a few hours," she called to her husband. Right on cue, he peeped out from the doorway, immediately suspicious.
"What are you taking him to do?" he asked warily.
"I'm taking him to gardens. I want to show him all of the flowers and such," she replied nonchalantly, knowing exactly what his response would be.
There it was. "You can't do that! Little boys shouldn't go picking flowers. It's not right," he said pompously, and turned on his heel, as if he had settled the matter already.
Shizuka bit her tongue and tried to hold on to her temper. "This is ridiculous, Inu no Taisho. The boy is three. Give him a break. Let him do what little children his age do." She hated to plead for things. She was used to getting everything she wanted. She hated to beg for things, even from her own husband. She shouldn't have to ask permission to take her son, to their gardens. It was stupid. But she had to beg. She gritted her teeth and asked, "Please?"
Inu no Taisho looked skeptical. "Well, maybe. Just this once. No more, though. He has to grow up some day."
Shizuka decided not to argue at how stupid his statement was. Her son didn't have to grow up when he wasn't even yet four, did he? But she figured it was better to quit while she was ahead.
The gardens were beautiful, and they were Shizuka's favorite place to be. "Look, Sesshoumaru, see the white flowers? They're called jessamines. Your father used to give them to me."
The toddler tottered precariously to the flowers and pulled out a handful clutched tightly in his fat little fist.
"Sesshoumaru! You're ruining the garden!" But before she could say another word, her son wobbled back to her and presented the blooms to her. "For you, Mama," he said in a softly lisping voice.
Her heart melted. She took the flowers, smiling. "Thank you, Sesshoumaru." Her little son scampered off again to examine the other pretty marvels of the garden. Shizuka watched with gentle eyes. He looked much like her. A crescent moon graced his little forehead, and his features were much more aristocratic and elegant than his father's. It was apparent already, that his figure would be slimmer than Inu no Taisho's.
"Mama! Look at this!" A voice called out from the other side of the garden.
Shizuka stood up and smiled. These were the moments that she lived for. "I'm coming, Sesshoumaru." And she joined her son.
--------
Sesshoumaru was crying. Shizuka was furious. It was the fifth time this week. What the hell was that man doing to her son?
"Inu no Taisho! Stop working him so hard! He's only seven!" she scolded angrily, as Sesshoumaru ran to her and buried his head in her lap.
"Mama! Make him stop! I don't want to do this anymore!" he sobbed piteously as a stream of blood flowed from his forehead.
"Sesshoumaru, stop crying. Men don't cry. Go inside. I'll talk to your father."
Inu no Taisho looked angry. "You can't coddle him forever, Shizuka. He can't be weak. One day he's going to take my place and be the Lord of the Western Lands. He can't go off crying every time he gets a little cut or bruise."
Shizuka felt rage bubble up to the surface. "Don't be ridiculous! Yes, one day. But not today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon. He's just a little boy, and you're treating him like he's a real opponent or something. You hurt him, Inu no Taisho! Didn't you see him bleeding? If you ever hurt him one more time, then I'll never let him train with you, ever again."
The demon lord scowled. "You were always the tough one, the one who wanted to get things done, weren't you? Well then, I don't know why you're getting soft. I won't let him be bullied, the weakling that he is. I'm showing him real protection and love, not you!"
What? Shizuka was choking on her anger. "Y-you think I don't love him? Well you're wrong, then! I love him more than you ever will! I love him the way he is, not the way you expect him to be! He's perfect, and he doesn't need to be changed!"
She turned on her heel without another word and left, without hearing Inu no Taisho murmur his apologies to her. She felt her heart bleeding as she remembered Sesshoumaru's crying. And she went to her room where he was waiting for his Mama.
--------
"I don't want to hear your whining or your smart mouth, Shizuka. You cause me so many problems. Why can't you just shut up for once in your life? I don't want to hear another word about your precious baby Sesshoumaru. It's sickening how you spoil him. You'll see, one day he'll turn out to be a worthless brat, and it'll be your fault!" Inu no Taisho was yelling blindly, spewing out everything he thought about his wife.
Shizuka's face was red, and she countered him with more screams. "Liar! Don't you dare insult me, you impudent dog! You're the one that's talking and yelling all the time. I'm not spoiling Sesshoumaru! You're the one who never even gives him encouragement, and never tells him that you love him! You probably don't even love him seeing how you 'train' him every single goddamn day!"
Shizuka felt her heart grow tired and weary. It was always like this now. Always the bickering and the fights that amount to nothing. She could hardly believe there was a time when they had gotten along. Most of the arguments were about their son. She felt a stab of pain in her chest. And their son knew it. He heard them arguing about him. He blamed himself for all their problems.
Inu no Taisho was gone. It was quiet. Shizuka heard the thundering silence echoing across the household. A tear slid down her face. She knelt down and put her arms around her knees, like she would do when she was a little girl. She cried silently into her dress. There was nothing left to do.
There was a creak behind her, and the gentle sound of footsteps. "Mama?" a boyish voice ventured.
She turned around. It was Sesshoumaru. He looked frightened. She stood up and wiped away her tears hastily, but it was too late. He had seen her crying. She hugged him tightly and tried to stifle the wave of tears that was coming.
"Mama, it's my fault isn't it? It's my fault that you and Father don't like each other anymore. I'm sorry." His voice was muffled as his face was buried in her stomach.
He had heard the whole thing, hadn't he? Shizuka's voice cracked as she insisted, "No, it's never you're fault. It's nobody's fault. We just don't get along sometimes, that's all." She didn't know what else she could tell him.
"You're wrong. It is my fault. Everything's my fault. I'm sorry I was ever born!" he cried.
Shizuka told him no and patted his back. She rocked him back and forth gently, until his sobs subsided to sniffles. And she held her own tears in. She promised herself that she would never cry again. She would hold it in for Sesshoumaru.
"I'll always be here for you," she promised him.
--------
He was gone. Again. Inu no Taisho was always gone these days. Shizuka knew where, but she never told Sesshoumaru, who constantly asked where Father was. And painfully, she would make up lies for her son, telling him that Father was slaying intruding demons or had some sort of important business or another.
But that's not where he was. He was off, meeting other women, flirting elegantly with them as he had once flirted with her. Shizuka knew that he was looking for a new wife. Both her position and her son's were compromised. This made her deeply frightened as nothing else had.
Inu no Taisho was looking for a human woman. He had told Shizuka that "demon women have tongues that are not worth dealing with." She remembered when her sharp tongue had once been the source of her charm. What had gone wrong? Shizuka decided then and there that she hated humans. What did they have that she did not? She had played his little games, loved him, married him, and bore him a beautiful son, and yet still he was not satisfied.
Sesshoumaru was seventeen now. A young man, who had all his father's strength and good looks, and his mother's elegance and calm. Shizuka suspected that he knew exactly what his father was doing, but never let onto it. He was much more quiet these days, and smiled much less. Shizuka remembered when he was a young boy. He was such a happy child, who loved picking flowers with his mother, and riding on his father's back. How she longed for those days.
So Shizuka, Lady of the Western Lands, stared out the window blindly, every day, waiting for his return. And then watching him leave, wordlessly, again.
--------
"I'm not coming back, Shizuka."
She gaped at him, for once, mute.
"I fell in love with a human woman, Izayoi. She is pregnant by me. And I'm going to her side to see our child borne."
He turned to go. Shizuka couldn't say a word. She wanted to tell him to stay, and she wanted to tell him no, but she couldn't. She felt the turmoil in her chest. She saw all the wonderful things they had ever done together flash before her eyes, and something inside her began to break.
He glanced back and said very softly, "You were right, Shizuka. I never win against you. So I'm going to quit this game. I'm tired of losing. You win. Do what you wish with Sesshoumaru, will you? He is no concern of mine, anymore."
Sesshoumaru is no concern of his? But you're his father, he's always your concern! Why don't you tell him this yourself, you coward! Shizuka mind was throwing a bundle of thoughts at her, but she couldn't sort them out.
Inu no Taisho walked out the door. And he was gone out of her life, for good.
Never, Shizuka. I'll love you forever…He had said that once.
Why am I thinking this now? she wondered dimly. She laughed a little. I guess all these years, I still loved him. My Inu no Taisho. He belonged to me.
Humans. I hate them, she felt herself thinking vaguely, before a wall of blackness consumed her.
--------
Sesshoumaru was silent as he watched his mother flitting around the garden. She stopped to talk to a flower. "I hate humans, don't you know. I hate them all. What do they have, that I don't, eh? Tell me!" Sesshoumaru watched her pull out the flower and rip it to shreds.
His mother had been like this since his father had left. She had gone insane. His lips twitched a little in disgust. How could she do this?
I'll always be here for you.
She had said that once. She broke her promise to him.
Father had died two months ago, fighting to the end to defend that human, Izayoi, and her despicable hanyou son, Inuyasha.
Sesshoumaru heard a little child's voice in his head. Am I not good enough for Father? That he had to go find another son? Sesshoumaru had wondered that once. But not now. He wasn't going to think about it again. He glanced at his mother, who was now throwing rocks at the wall.
"I hate that stupid human, Izayoi! I hate her! She took him away from me! How dare she…how dare she? He was mine!" the crazy woman screamed.
Shizuka stopped and hiccupped. She turned her tear-bright eyes toward Sesshoumaru. He noted that she never cried, not ever. But her eyes were always filled with tears. The woman gazed at him dully.
"My son. Sesshoumaru."
Sesshoumaru glared distastefully at her. "Yes, Mother. That would happen to be my name."
She cackled like an old hag, not the graceful laugh he remembered. She turned back carelessly to her lively conversation with the small yellow songbird.
Sesshoumaru had made a decision. He wasn't going to stay in this stuffy old castle with an insane woman who didn't care for him anymore. He was leaving. He was going to tell his mother, but he doubted that she would care.
"Mother," he said calmly. Shizuka whirled around and stared at him. "I'm leaving," he said coolly. "I'm not coming back."
He fully expected no response, but instead, she started wailing. "That's what he said when he left! 'I'm not coming back, Shizuka,' that's exactly what he said!" She was screaming senselessly now and kicking everything in sight.
Sesshoumaru turned to go. He never wanted to see his old life again. He reached the door.
"No!"
His mother's voice was anguished, behind him. He turned. "What did you say?"
"Don't go, Sesshoumaru!" Her eyes pleaded with him. They were gentle, soulful eyes. They were the eyes of a sane woman.
Sesshoumaru felt nothing. Sometimes, between her bouts of madness, she regained consciousness, and sanity. It was nothing new. Her lunacy was on and off. He didn't care how many times she became herself again. He couldn't stand being here with her, as she flitted between her crazy self and her real self.
"I'm leaving, Mother. I told you. You can't stop me." He said it with closure, and a sort of finality. He turned to go, again.
"Please don't leave me here," she said in the soft voice he remembered.
Sesshoumaru stopped. He felt a twinge in his heart, something that he had locked away a long time ago. He walked over to the now ruined garden, once so beautiful and inviting when he was a child. He stared at the flowers left, the ones that his mother did not destroy. They were jessamines, and they grew as healthfully as they always had. A distant reminder of a better yesterday.
He bent over and picked them. He walked over to his wide-eyed mother. "For you," he said simply.
Shizuka stared at the blooms, as if they triggered some memory that she had buried deep inside her. "Jessamines?" she asked tentatively. He nodded.
Her hands trembled as she took them from him. At long last, she a single tear flow down her cheek.
"I love you, Sesshoumaru, my son," she whispered.
Sesshoumaru's expression was unfathomable. He wasn't going to lose to weakness. I'll be the man you wanted me to be, Father. And break my mother's heart in the process. He turned around, so that she couldn't see the torment in his cold amber eyes. But I can be myself. One more time.
"I love you too. Mama." One more time…
There wasn't anything left for him. He opened the door and stepped into the world. Nothing left but a few shards of memory, a broken childhood, and a broken mother. He wished he could forget.
But he couldn't.
-----
Shizuka looked out into the cold greyness of morning as a mist settled gently, icily upon her shoulders, and she shivered. She reached out blindly, slowly, to touch something that no one could see but her.
For the sun shone brightly and a blue sky sparkled overhead. But all she ever saw, was cold greyness.
She wished that she could remember all those times when things were good. When she was with the one she always loved, Inu no Taisho, and he loved her back. She wished she could remember.
But she couldn't.
A/N: Yes, sad, I know! Please tell me what you thought. Review! And wait for chapter 2...