The Evils of AU
By Artikgato
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7. I've also lost what little shreds of sanity I had while trying to read some of the monstrosities you people call 'fanfiction'.
Author's Notes: I'm SOOORRRRYYYYY this took me so long to upload! I try not to upload a chapter until I've written the chapter after it, but unfortunately I hit a major case of writer's block for this story!
…that writer's block came in the form of KH2 Sephiroth, who just demanded that I defeat him before I could move on with my life.
So, in honor of that silver-haired bishounen, the next chapter, whenever I get around to writing it, will be a KH2 chapter. So, yeah, sorry everybody. And guess what? The fifth chapter will most likely be an Advent Children chapter, since it comes out THIS WEEK!
Oh, and again this chapter isn't as good as the first one. I just don't think I can trump that one. It's a very good chapter, though, in my humble opinion. Just be warned for…umm, fruitcakishness. And stuff. And I apologize in advance for all the Sephiroth fangirls, who will most probably come to my door with torches and pitchforks…
And, one last note: THANK YOU to all my reviewers! And to everyone who said that the last chapter was good. You all rock so much! So thank you, again, to: Sorceress Fujin, Wildcat6, xXBrightEyesXx (yes, how COULD everyone not be in love with Seph?), Moonlight's Echo, StDogbert, PsychDragoonX, Anonymous, Stuffness, and Lahz (and thanks for the review on my other story)! Hehe, I don't normally do the whole 'thank the reviewers' thing, but I figure that this story is so far outside of my normal boundaries anyway that it's okay.
And noooowwww, the event you've all been waiting for!
Chapter Three: We Put the "Random" in Random Battles!
"So why again, Cloud, are we running around in this forest in huge circles?" Tifa asked.
"I told you once, we're leveling up," Cloud replied, Ultima Weapon slicing through another Toxic Frog as easily as a hot knife cutting through butter. Or something.
"Why?" she asked. Cloud stopped running abruptly and faced her, as the rest of the group ran up, some panting for breath.
"Well I, for one, want to be level 99 when we face Sephiroth," Cloud replied, glaring at her a little. Tifa sighed and reached into the interdimensional space pocket that was their inventory, and pulled out a book.
"Cloud, the strategy guide says that we don't even have to be level 50 to beat Sephiroth, it all depends on the level of our Materia and how skilled the player is," Tifa said, pointing to a section of the guide. Cloud scoffed.
"Nonsense! I must be level 99! I MUST!" he shouted. The brunette sighed and tossed the book aside. The hole in space hastily moved to intercept the book, and then winked out of existence.
"It's not as if it matters. You're still destined to be beaten up by a ten-year-old boy with a giant key," Tifa informed him. He blinked over at her.
"How do you know about that? You're not in that game!" Cloud demanded. She grinned and held up two fingers.
"I'm in the sequel," she said.
"Oh! You got served!" Yuffie called from the back of the group, but was largely ignored.
"Well, great for you," Cloud replied to Tifa, and turned around, stalking away.
"Aww, come on Cloud! It's the truth!" Tifa called after him, running to catch up. And so they began the endless cycle of random battles all over again.
And, eventually, they made it to the North Crater. By foot. Despite the fact that Gongaga is not only thousands of miles away from the North Crater, but also separated by an ocean or two.
"Clouuuudd! I'm TIRED of fighting Tonberries! Let's just go kick Sephiroth's ass!" Yuffie whined. The blonde leader whirled on her, eyes narrowed and slightly psychotic looking.
"Is Cait Sith at level 99 yet?" he asked.
"No, but it doesn't-" Yuffie started, but he cut her off.
"Well then, we'll just have to keep fighting these random battles until he IS!" Cloud exclaimed. A Behemoth stomped into view. Tifa, who'd by then had it with Cloud's insane 'leveling up', stomped up to the beast and poked it on the horn, instantly killing it.
"Cloud, it doesn't matter if Cait Sith is level 99! He's a wimp! The rest of us can kill most of the monsters here by LOOKING at them! Let's just go fight Sephiroth!" Tifa exclaimed.
"NO!" he exclaimed.
"YES!" everyone else exclaimed, leaping on him and beating him to near death with their weapons, armor, and their collection of knives that they pillaged from the Tonberry Kings they had been fighting.
"Okay...fine..." he croaked from his position on the floor as a heap of bruised Cloud.
"$#! Finally!" Cid cursed, as Red and Barret sang the hallelujah chorus in the background. After everyone recovered from their temporary 'deaf' status brought on by the horribly ghastly duet, they continued on with their journey.
And so, with new resolve, the ragtag team of warriors set off toward the bottom of the crater and their greatest enemy, taking the first step toward their destiny...
...and were promptly bombarded with battle music and several monsters.
"ARGH!" they chorused as the Random Battle began.
However, before any of them could take their turns, Yuffie pointed out something.
"Uh, guys? These aren't normal monsters," she said. And it was true, standing in front of them were several monsters unlike anything they'd ever seen before.
They looked rather like octopi. Rainbow colored octopi.
"What are these octopi doing in the middle of North Crater?" Tifa asked.
"We are no ordinary octopi!" the octopi chorused, and everyone jumped, recovering from the mild heart attack induced by the fact that these random octopi just spoke.
"We are the five elemental octopi of the planet Zor-" they started, but were promptly cut off as a loud BANG! rang out through the cavern, and all five octopi fell to the ground, motionless. Everyone turned to see Vincent ever so calmly lowering his smoking Death Penalty, the 'slash all' materia in his gun glowing fiercely.
"Umm...why'd you do that, Vinnie?" Yuffie asked. He turned to her with a neutral expression on his face.
"I hate octopi," he said. Everyone sweatdropped (and again, despite the fact that this is a ga- OW! You didn't have to HIT me!).
"Well...that was interesting. Let's just...go fight Sephiroth," Cloud said, taking another step forward.
This time, a creature not unlike a moose stepped into view.
"Behold! I am Moose-zilla! I am here to defeat you!" the moose exclaimed. A second later he had several bullet-holes in him, and fell over dead.
"Don't tell me you have a deadly hatred for mooses now, Barret," Cait said, as everyone stared at Barret.
"Nah, I jus' felt like killin' somethin'," Barret said.
"Hey! Random killing is MY job!" Cloud exclaimed, turning to Barret. He suddenly jumped out of the way, to narrowly avoid being hit by Yuffie's shuriken as it spun past him.
"Yuffie!" he exclaimed, but turned around suddenly when he heard the shuriken connect with something distinctly...alive.
"Ow!" exclaimed the giant penguin, as it fell over dead. Yuffie attempted to run up and grab her shuriken from the dead penguin's body, but was suddenly pulled back by Cid, and out of the way of a deadly stream of fondue cheese.
"Blast! I missed!" the fondue pot exclaimed, only to have its life ended tragically by Red XIII.
"Octopi, mooses and penguins I can stand, but talking fondue pots! Someone must be messing with the game's programming," Red XIII informed them.
"Let's just make a run for the bottom of the crater!" Cloud exclaimed, and everyone nodded in affirmation, turning and running away screaming. Yuffie managed to grab her Conformer before running off screaming and flailing her arms, as a host of random things ran after them.
"Come back! Let us fight you!" a toaster exclaimed, shooting burnt toast out of itself at the retreating warriors.
"Get back here!" a giant aardvark shouted after them.
"Happens every time," sighed a lamp.
The ragtag group of warriors made it down to the bottom of the North Crater in record time.
"SEPHIROOOOTHHHH!" Cloud roared as he ran into the room where the battle with Sephiroth was supposed to occur, sword first. The rest of Avalance followed him in...
...only to have every single one of them drop their weapons and their jaws at the sight before them.
"MY EYES! THEY BURN!" they all shouted, dropping to the floor in unison and trying to claw their eyes out. Sephiroth glared.
"Oh, what, so a guy can't cross-dress every once in a while?" Sephiroth demanded, glaring at them. "You're behind schedule, anyway. You were supposed to be here months ago,"
"Se-sephiroth...why are you wearing that!" Cloud demanded, rising to his feet and shielding his eyes from the horrible sight before him.
"Well, when I killed her I realized that she had an impeccable fashion sense, so I waited until after you all left, and went and 'borrowed' it," Sephiroth replied. Cloud twitched.
"So, you stole a dead girl's clothes? You're more twisted then I thought," Cloud growled.
"Look, it even still has the hole from where I stabbed her!" he said, pointing to a gaping hole in the dress, near his stomach. "The blood all washed out, though," he said, pouting a little.
"Wait a second, so that means that Aeris is all...naked down there?" Yuffie asked, raising an eyebrow. "What'll happen the next time she gets resurrected?"
As if on cue, there was a shriek of "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY CLOTHES!" from the general direction of the City of the Ancients.
"Look, Sephiroth, we're supposed to have our final battle now, so could you PLEASE go change clothes? I don't think I can fight you like this," Cloud requested. Sephiroth sighed.
"Oh, fine," he assented.
"Hey Sephy! You can change right there if you wanna!" Yuffie called from the back of the group. Everyone shot her disgusted looks, while Vincent pouted at her.
"Yuffie..." he said, whining a little.
"Oh, what? I have a basic appreciation for male beauty!" she defended, stomping her foot.
"I'll...be right back. Then we can proceed with the final battle," Sephiroth said, disappearing behind a rock. Before anyone could say or do anything, there was a blinding pink light, and a sudden shout of "HYPER PRETTY GORGEOUS MOON FLOWER PETAL SUPREME SPARKLY TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE!". A pink explosion rocked the crater and disintegrated the rock, leaving Sephiroth standing there...
...wearing a very, very, very pink fuku and holding a pink wand with little pink glittery streamers attached to it.
"When I said CHANGE CLOTHES, I did NOT mean THIS!" Cloud exclaimed, before passing out from the shock of seeing Sephiroth in a sailor suit. The rest of the group followed suit.
Cloud woke with a start, blue eyes looking wildly around the room in fear. Seeing no tall, silver haired men wearing small pink sailor suits, he calmed down quite a bit, taking a few deep breaths, and realizing that he was in a hotel room in the Rocket Town inn.
"What a disturbing dream," he whispered into the night air, flopping back down on his mattress with a sigh.
"You okay, Cloud?" Tifa called from the other side of the room.
"Yeah, I just had this weird dream that we were attacked by all sorts of weird things like fondue pots and penguins, and then we went to go fight Sephiroth only he was wearing Aeris' dress, and then he did a magical girl transformation sequence and was wearing a pink fuku," Cloud said. Tifa was silent.
"Umm...Cloud, that really happened," she said.
"..." said Cloud.
"Cloud?" she asked.
"I'm going back to sleep. When I wake up, you'd better tell me you were kidding,"
END OF CHAPTER THREE
And no, I don't support cross-dressing Sephiroth. I just find it highly amusing.