Tales of Symphonia-Screwing the Plot
TOS with a massively screwed plot.
I do not own the rights to TOS. But I do own the crap that is about to ensue.
Chapter 1: The Beginning of the Screwing
"Lloyd... Lloyd Irving, wake up!"
Lloyd woke up, just in time to see the eraser flying across the room at him.
"AHH! GUARDIAN!"
Lloyd's Guardian technique allowed him to block the eraser before it hit.
"Professor, that was a form of attempted child abuse! Prepare to die!"
He ran across several desks to the front of the class, but Raine just kicked him in the crotch.
"Ow... jerk..."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!"
"Nothing..."
"Good... now, today is the Day of Prophecy. I'm too lazy to explain anything else, so we'll just send Colette to the temple."
"But don't I have to wait for the Oracl-" whined Colette.
"SHUT UP! NOBODY QUESTIONS MY AUTHORITY!"
Lloyd stared. "Are you sure we should send her on her own? HER!"
"Meh, she'll be fin- Lloyd, how did you learn Guardian so early?"
"Uhhh..."
"Well, I'm off to receive the Oracle!" Colette skipped away... making a direct beeline for the temple and crashing through everything in a straight line.
"You really sure, Professor?"
"DO NOT QUESTION MY AUTHORITY!"
Meanwhile...
Location: Martel Temple
Colette is seen having a tea party with a slime and a spider.
" Hmm? More Earl Grey for the slimey-wimey?"
"That's it, I'm going! Colette's too... Colette-y to go by herself!"
Genis, about to say his first line, stood up proudly, crossed his heart with his right palm, and gallantly announced, "...I'm going too."
Yeh. Anyways, they went to chase after Colette.
Location: Outside Martel Temple
Lloyd and Genis run to the top of the staircase and encounter 3 pastors whooping the Renegades' butts. Vidarr is lying dead on the ground, and Botta is sweatdropping massively. Our heroes whistle innocently and walk into the temple. Waiting for them is Kratos.
"I've been expeeeeecting you," he said eerily, twisting his smile and doing that Mr. Burns hand thing.
Lloyd did the ... thing and said, "You know, Dad, you were never this creepy when I saw you last."
"OMG! YOU KNEW!"
"Yeah, well, you do have that wristband on that says "Proud to be Lloyd's Dad", along with those "Lloyd's Dad" buttons on your shirt, and..."
"Alright, I get the point. But you do understand, you just screwed the plot, right?"
"Meh."
"Alright, let's go," Genis gallantly announced.
"STOP GALLANTLY ANNOUNCING THINGS!"
Location: Martel Temple
Our three heroes traveled into the temple and saw Colette having her tea party. Kratos runs up to her "guests" and performs Sonic Thrust.
"Never had a chance."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAH!" cried Colette. "YOU KILLED MR. 8-LEGS AND SLIMEY-WIMEY!"
Yeh, again.
"Colette, we're supposed to see the Oracle."
"Eh. Screw the world."
Genis nodded. "I probably would have said that too, knowing that the regeneration is false and the Cruxis is a lie, merely plotting to bring some sicko's dead sister back to life by utilizing the Chosen thanks to her similarity in mana signature."
Colette stared vacantly. "I just said that cause I'm lazy."
Kratos coughed suspiciously, but no one noticed.
Lloyd stared vacantly as well. "Genis, how did you know that?"
Genis shrugged. "Third playthrough."
Everyone else nodded understandingly, and they busted down the door to the top floor of the temple.
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Once they reached the top, they saw a bright light coming down from the ceiling.
"Look at that light!" Genis explained.
It came down and turned out to be a disco ball.
Then Remiel came down.
"Crap... I'm late, aren't I? Oh, well, here goes. I am Remiel! I am an angel of Judgment..."
Beams of light rained down from the ceiling and killed Lloyd, Genis and Colette.
"Crap... Kratos... Life Bottles."
Kratos sighed and healed them all.
"All right. I am Remiel. I am an angel of Holylance... I mean holiness...dammit."
A light square appeared and the party was struck with Holy Lance.
Kratos healed them again.
"All right, skip all that. We of Cruxis will grant you the power of the angel-"
"Feathers," muttered Kratos.
"SHUT UP!" cried Remiel as Angel Feathers shot out of his body and killed them all.
Kratos healed them all again.
"Kratos, you suck, you know that?"
"I try."
"All right. We of Cruxis bless this event, and best-"
Beast shoots out of his palms and knocks everyone out.
"WTF? I don't even have that tech!"
Meanwhile...
Yggdrasill is on his computer in Derris-Kharlan, hacking into TOS.
"HA! Lord Remiel now has Beast. No one can stand up to him now!
"Screw it. Here, take the Cruxis Crystal."
Remiel gives the Cruxis Crystal to Colette. Colette then drops and breaks it.
"DAMMIT! Now you can't merge with Martel so some sicko's dead sister can come back to life by utilizing the Chosen thanks to her similarity in mana signature!"
"Kratos, you suck, you know that?"
"I had nothing to do with it that time..."
"PUNISHMENT! PHOTON!"
Kratos didn't have time to put Guardian up, so Photon hit him and he died.
Lloyd looked up at Remiel and drew his swords. "My name is Lloyd Irving. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"
Kvar randomly entered the top floor. "Now, now... I'm not the one who killed your mother. You father was... Oh crap, you said killed my FATHER, didn't you?"
Lloyd stared. "Wait, you," points at Kvar, "killed my mom. And you," points at Remiel, "killed my dad?"
Kvar and Remiel looked at each other, then shrugged. "Meh."
Lloyd shrugged too. "Yeah, whatever. Let's PARTY!"
Kvar used Lightning on the Disco Ball and let it shine, while Remiel set up a bar and handed out fake IDs and beers to everyone. Then Kvar died of alcohol poisoning.
"Mom... beer avenged you..."
Lloyd acquired "Disco Fang!"
Lloyd acquired "Sonic Strut!"
Colette acquired "Ray Strut!"
Genis acquired "Disco Ball!"
Lloyd earned the title "Dancing Swordsman!"
Lloyd got a Heineken Gel!
END OF CHAPTER 1!
My first fic, so read, review, flame if you must. Suggestions are welcome.