Tales of Symphonia: Screwing the Plot

Thanks for the great reviews. I know the first chappie wasn't so funny, so I worked hard on the second one. As a note, I have never seen the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I just thought it fit in with the randomness. Oh, yeah, I own nothing. Not even TOS.

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Chapter 3: The Screwed Base and Maybe More

The group decided, after Lloyd and Genis were banished from Iselia, to head to Triet for no apparent reason, other than it was the only place they really could go. Lloyd nearly collapsed from severe heat stroke and poisonous wounds on his sides and would have died had it not been for Heineken Gels to keep him drunk and alive.

"Lloyd, it's great that you're using items, but... how about something without alcohol? You know, Apple Gels? Like normal people eat?" Kratos looked at his son disapprovingly.

"NO! Theesh gelsh makesh me feelsh gooooood!"

Kratos sighed. "You always start out overenthusiastic, then get bored, become tired, and are finally forced to become a psycho drunkard, in turn allowing you to become enthusiastic again. Stupid vicious circle."

While Kratos carried Lloyd over his shoulder, Genis was keeping himself cool with Icicle, and Colette was kicking poor, innocent scorpions in the crotch.

This trip was fairly uneventful until they reached Triet. They dropped Lloyd off and prepared a strategy to reach the ruins. Genis suggested that they get themselves caught by the Renegades so they could forge an alliance with them, then backstab them and use their technology to blow up the altar.

Colette shrugged. "Meh. Like I said, screw the world."

So they agreed to stay the night in Triet. In the morning, Colette gave Lloyd his hangover pills, and they were off.

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Location: Sylvarant Base

The four heroes walked into the base (after Kratos violently kicked the door down) and, since the actual entrance is so close to the office, headed straight into the room with the Gamecube and the electrical pillars. Lloyd began to play on the Gamecube.

"Cool! Look, it's a game about us!" Lloyd exclaimed excitedly as he began to play Tales of Symphonia.

Genis began to read the thing on the Cycle Lock system. Then he realized that Kratos could just kick the door down. So he did. And they went into Yuan's office.

Kratos silently tiptoed into the office and placed a Whoopie Cushion onto Yuan's seat. When he came in from the back room, he gasped. "Kratos J. Aurion! And your son! What the hell are you doing here!"

"J? What does the J stand for?" asked Lloyd.

Yuan smirked. "It stands for-"

Kratos paled. "Yuan, NO!"

"-Jay."

Kratos fainted.

"Ha, that'll show him," triumphantly exclaimed Yuan as he sat down. Onto the Whoopie Cushion.

Kratos leapt up from his fake unconscious state and chuckled. "Gotcha."

Colette looked at the Whoopie Cushion quizzically. "Kratos, what's that thing?"

"It's a Whoopie Cushion, a product of magitechnology. Used to embarrass the target."

Yuan was enraged. "Kratos... after all those 4000 years..."

Kratos smirked. "Well at least Kratos J. Aurion isn't as bad as Yuan R. McGregor."

Genis stared. "McGregor? Your name is Yuan McGregor! HAHA!"

Colette started, "Ooh, ooh, does the R stand for Rambo?"

Kratos smiled. "Yes, it does, actually."

Yuan fainted.

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Location: Triet Ruins

Yuan felt like he had just experienced a hangover (surprise, surprise) as he woke up outside the Triet Ruins. He saw the four heroes, plus Raine standing over him. Raine was poking him with a stick.

"Ugh... where am I-"

"IT TALKS!" screamed Raine, jumping into Kratos' arms. Kratos sweatdropped and dropped her.

"Oooooooooh, look at this stone slab! It looks cool and sexy!"

Everyone began to back away.

Raine earned the title of "Freaky Grandma!"

"Is she always like this?" asked Kratos.

"Usually worse... much worse," replied Genis.

Raine earned the title of "Very Freaky Grandma!"

"WTF, Raine, let's just go inside," said Lloyd as he slashed open the slab.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! Lloyd, do you realize what you have done? As long as you have that Exsphere, we will always hunt you down. ALWAYS!"

Raine then took black face paint and put little black strokes on her cheeks.

"The hunt is on."

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While Raine and Lloyd were busy outside the ruins, Yuan led the way into the deepest chamber of the ancient city. Kratos and Yuan flew their companions to the top (hey, it's easier than the other way, isn't it?), they saved inside the freakish white circle, and went in. Meanwhile, Yuan and Kratos discussed the current situation.

"Wait, you want me to call the Renegades to bomb the altar?" asked Yuan.

"Yeh."

"Kay."

Yuan took out his magic Renegade Whistle and blew 88 times.

Genis groaned. "Why'd you do it 88 times?"

"Cause' 88 is special! It's the number of keys on a standard piano!"

Everyone cautiously backed away from Yuan. The Renegades soon hovered above on Rheairds and bombed the altar. Then, from the ashes of the fallen structure... came a hand. And then the arm. And then the other one. And then the body. Oh, wait, the head comes first, doesn't it? Screw it. It was Remiel.

"YAAAAHHHH! The EVIL ONE has come!" cried Kratos, running around like a maniac and screaming "doom" every 3.446 seconds.

"Colette, my daughter..."

"What, you're my daddy?"

Genis pleaded. "No, don't trust him! He's trying to lure you with lies to seduce you into becoming Martel's vessel!"

Remiel sweatdropped. "I wanted to invite her to a disco party on Derris-Kharlan on Saturday night, but since you interfered, I will have to bring Judgment-"

Beams of light rained down, but missed everyone.

"HA! You suck!"

"Shut up, shorty."

While Remiel and Genis argued, Colette periodically poked Remiel. That's right, poked. Poke. Poke. Poke. Po—

"WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Colette cried and smashed a chair over his head. Wait, chair? Nevermind.

Colette then proceeded to kick him repeatedly until he gave her her wings and the special Angel skill Angel Feathers. He then left with the Disco Ball he loves so much.

"Dammit, why does he give her angel powers when he knows that we're trying to screw the world?"

Colette earned the title of "Dischosen!"

Lloyd earned the title of "The Hunted!"

Raine earned the title of "The Hunter!"

Genis earned the title of "I'm Young and Innocent and Shouldn't Be Exposed To Hunting!"

Kratos acquired "Second Aid!"

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END OF CHAPTER 3

Yeah. Read, review, flame, whatever you want. I know it wasn't that great.