As she lay on her sofa, Kathryn let her thoughts drift freely. Visions of home flooded through her mind. Visions of her sister, her mother, her childhood home in Indiana. She let it all come back to her. And as she did so, she allowed a silent tear to roll down her cheek. Every once and a while, she let out her feelings to herself. She hated it. Not knowing if she could ever really get her crew home safely to the Alpha Quadrant. She always tried to convince herself that she could but she couldn't help but sometimes doubt herself.

As she kept thinking, an image of Mark popped into her brain. Mark. She hadn't thought of him in a long time. She tried to remember the last time she thought about him but she couldn't remember. She barely ever thought about him anymore. She had different people in her life now and she lived for a different purpose than before. That purpose was to get the crew of Voyager home.

She thought about how her thoughts about Mark, slowly, over time were replaced with thoughts about Chakotay. She knew she should feel guilt about this but she didn't. The Mark she knew would probably assume she was dead by now. He has probably moved on so why shouldn't she. She hated that question. She knew she should move on and she knew that she wanted to. But the fact of the matter was that she couldn't. She couldn't have a relationship aboard Voyager with any member of her crew. That was one protocol that she was going to keep. Being withChakotay so often was hard on her though. Every time she saw his face, it made her remember that she couldn't be with him. So she was trying to cut down her time with him a little. She didn't like it but she had to do it. Otherwise she would probably tell him how she felt. Then she would have herself into an even bigger mess.

Another tear fell down her cheek. She quickly wiped away the tear and stood up from her sofa. She didn't like crying. It made her feel weak and that was a feeling that she hated.

She then heard that familiar chime of her ready room door, signaling someone wanted to speak with her.

She prayed that it didn't look like she had been crying as she made her way to the chair behind her desk. She straightened her Star Fleet uniform before she sat down. With her hands folded on her lap she called out with an even voice, "Enter."

Chakotay strode into the room.

"Captain I just . . . Kathryn, have you been crying."

Damn. "No, Commander, I most certainly have not been crying!" She blurted out too quickly and harshly.

Immediately a look of hurt flashed across Chakotay's face but only for a mere second. He quickly covered it up. Instead he just stared at her, looking deep into her eyes. She knew he was seeing right through her. She knew he could tell that she lied to him. But he didn't rub it in her face. He just let it go . . . for the moment.

"Yes Captain, I was out of line. As I was saying, B'Elanna finished her report about the new warp drive. I just came to give it to you." He said while handing her the PADD that he had been holding.

She took is from him and glanced down at it. She quickly scanned through it and then looked back up to face her first officer.

"Thank you Commander. You are dismissed." She didn't mean to sound so cold but it wasn't any of his business if she had been crying. He should have known better than to ask her.

He walked to the door of her ready room but just as he was about to leave he turned back around to look at her. "Kathryn, there's no point in lying to me. I've known you for years now. You won't talk to me anymore. Your always blocking me out and you know what, I'm sick of it!

Her eye's widened at his sudden outburst. She never expected this from him. "Chakotay! I haven't blocked you out." She stood up and took a step toward him. "And I don't appreciate you bursting that out at me." She said with an icy glare and her voice was filled with an edge of anger.

"You never talk to me anymore! I feel like you don't even want me as a friend anymore. I don't get it and I certainly don't like it. But you know what, if that's what you want, then go for it!"

She stood stunned. She couldn't believe she was hearing this from him. She hadn't blocked him out . . . or had she? They barely ever had dinner anymore. They only got together to go through reports and she hardly ever confided in him like she used to.

"Now you listen here." She said icily, grabbing his arm just as he turned to leave. "You are out of line Commander. This is completely unlike you. I suggest you calm your temper Chakotay. I shouldn't have to take this and I won't."

"Then don't. You won't have to take any of it." He said this with such force and anger. She couldn't believe it had come from him. He pushed himself away from her and stormed out of her ready room.

As she stood there staring at the closed sliding doors, she knew she has just lost her best friend.

To Be Continued . . .

Please R&R