Dear Mom, Please Save Me From The Aliens
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by no cake for you
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Author(s) Note: Well hello there children, we're back and more fantabulous than ever – that's right, the ones and onlies – NO CAKE FOR YOU. Yes that's right, you read us correctly. We're here to bring you another of our smash hits, "Dear Mom Please Save Me From The Aliens". You love it. Or, you will, once we write a bit more! So here's another attempt…
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Chapter Two – The Breakfast Club?
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Kyo is examining himself in the mirror.
"Mmm, a little tanning lotion here, some anti-wrinkle cream here… A nice glittery thong, maybe…"
He flexes his biceps, which immediately shine with the light of a thousand gods.
"Oh yesss… Studly." He kisses each one, then proceeds to rip off his boxers for a… well, a closer look…
… at which point Shigure decides to wander into the bathroom.
Kyo screams, a high pitched, girl-shaming scream, and covers himself – or tries to – with his hands.
"Shigure, you pot-loving Patchouli wearing ass! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM!"
Shigure scratches his head, and a couple dead woodbeetles fall out.
"Wait… Like, what are YOU doing in your bathroom?"
"I CAN DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, IN MY BATHROOM!"
A smug grin slowly slides its way across Shigure's face.
"What you want… like, when you want? That just goes to show that… um… it just goes to show that male models these days REALLY aren't, like, getting any."
"WHAT!" Kyo is stunned.
"Yyyyyeeeeaaahhh. I'm FLYING!" Shigure then tackles Kyo out the window, where they lay, stunned, out on the lawn – one fully clothed, the other in his birthday suit.
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At this time Haru comes waltzing by right now thanks to a rude comment by Yuki (otherwise known as Arnold Schwarzenegger) was now in Gay Haru mode (Yes, not black. Gay)
"Oh honey! That birthday suit is SOOO last season!" Haru said to Kyo with a flick of his hair as he sighed dramatically. "And Shigure, babe, you really need to think about getting a hair stylist! Look at all those split ends and those fleas do NOT compliment your eyes!" he said scrunching up his nose in a grossed out manner.
Just then Tohru coming out in an all leather (and faux fur) stripper outfit came stomping towards them angrily.
"What's got your panties in a bunch?" Kyo asked standing up and dusting the non existing clothes.
"My Panties are NOT in a bunch!" She said angrily and soon after began to bawl uncontrollably. This shocked the group to a point of gasping while Haru examined the "hideous" outfit Tohru wore.
"Jeeze! No Leather after Christmas! And the faux fur? Puh-lease!"
"Like whoa man, there's no need to like, you know, start this angry conspiracy!" Shigure said making no sense what-so-ever. Soon Yuki came into the scene with a look of purpose across his face.
"I promise to make gas prices go down! You can trust on me, Arnold, to help YOU with YOUR problems! I'll be back!" he said swooping around making noises as if he were flying away.
"Uh! It's Yuki! The Super Male Models worst nightmare!" said Kyo trying not to fume at the pretty boy who mistook himself for the Governor of California.
"Uh These fashion choices are making me G-A-G Gag!" Haru said with a disgusted look on his face.
"I thought you were G-A-Y GAY!" Tohru commented with a peaceful expression.
"Honey we all know that." Haru said giving two snaps and a clap.
"Like whoa… I think I'm like… umm… uhh… trippin." Shigure spewed scratching the back of his head in wonder.
"Hasta la vista baby!" Yuki shouted out of nowhere.
"I'll be YOUR baby any day." Haru said with a seductive look as he gave the "call me" sign with a wink.
"I'm BORED let's do SOMETHING!" Kyo complained loudly.
"Well it IS lunch time." Said the stripper Tohru cheerfully.
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So the odd group seated themselves around the small table and began to eat their respective foods – Shigure eating… pot… yes, eating it… Kyo, with his super-strict male-model anorexia diet; Yuki, with some antifreeze and Windex ("The TERMINATOR can take on anything! Yaharghamargh!" "No, Arnold, don't – " "YAHAHA!"); Tohru, with her (blue) rice balls, and Haru, who is having… well, conflicts between his gay self and his regular self over what to have for lunch.
"You crazy queen! Can't you see that the OBVIOUSLY manly thing to do is eat steak! I don't care! We're having steak!"
"Well, Mr. Macho, you don't look that manly wearing that jacket, now do you? That pattern, and that fur… just… no. No."
Haru is leaning back and forth on the fence between extremely angry and extremely gay when The Terminator comes into the kitchen and informs him that, by way of emptying all the contents of the refrigerator into his oversized gullet, they do not have any more food and Haru won't be eating anything edible for lunch.
Shigure, stuffing his face with pot like there's no tomorrow (which, with the massive amount of pot and other drugs in his 15-year-long hippie spree jammed into his system, there might not be a tomorrow), wanders into the kitchen in which Yuki and Arnold are having an argument over whether Arnold can REALLY rip out the kitchen sink with one hand.
"No you can't! It's impossible!"
"EE tees not eemposeeble. Puny huuuuman."
"It's not safe and would be very expensive to replace, you great sack of brainless muscle!"
"Shut youuurrr faaaacceee, GIRLY MAN!"
Arnold grabs the sink by the faucet and rips it completely out of the countertop, then proceeds to finish everything off by hurling it out the kitchen door and into the dining room. Water drenches everybody, which, when the water comes into contact with Shigure, he begins to melt.
"Whoa… dude, am I triiiipppiiin?"
"NO, YOU'RE MELTING! SOMEONE GET A PITCHER OR A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER THAT WE CAN PUT HIM IN!"
"Did someone say… Tupperware?"
Kyo has put clothes on by this time and rushes into the kitchen with a crazed, hungry look in his eyes.
"Oh dear god…"
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Kyo then miraculously hacks up a container of Tupperware and tosses it to Tohru who then begins to scoop up the melting Shigure.
"Honey that has to be the best thing you've done for fashion all week!" Haru states in a matter-of-fact way. The bugs that had been occupying Shigure's scalp had flown off and attacked Arnold in the face.
"DE BUGS! THERE EVERYWARE!" he screeched and thus began to punch himself in the face to rid him of the bugs.
Tohru who was on the ground in tears singing "I'm a little Teapot" a second later in a cheery voice soon went ballistic and jumped out a window who was soon followed by the supermodel Kyo screaming "I have a fashion shoot In 5 minutes I can SO not get my hair wet!" Haru was in a crying frenzy disgusted by the fact that his D&B purse was soaked and… ruined.
"No! My Manolo leather boots! There not meant for water!" The house was beginning to flood as the Shigure puddle sang happy songs of wanting to be a cowboy ranger. Yuki/Arnold who was still trying to rid himself of the bugs screamed angrily admitting that his dreams of being a ballerina were ruined.
"Don be such a GIRLY MAN!" Arnold screamed to Yuki who was trying to practice his twirls. "It issss WAAAAAAR!" And thus Yuki and Arnold were in a bloody fight… to the death. Needless to say it wasn't turning out well when Yuki began to strangle Arnold… meaning he was strangling himself.
"I CAN'T BREATH!" Yuki screamed in a spazzy way. The Yuki/Arnold finally fell out of the house and onto the ground. His head violently moving back and forth as if he were being punched by some un-known thing.
Gay Haru and the puddle of Shigure (who was now in a Tupperware container) came out… of the closet that is, and made there way outside. The group watched as the house became submerged underwater. Tohru smiled widely at the sight.
"Why are you smiling stupid? Our house is ruined!" Kyo said angrily to Tohru. Tohru turned around angry within a split second and violently ripped off her stripper boots.
"Don't be a jerk Kyo." Tohru scorned in a peaceful manner.
"Tohru… are you Bi-Polar?" Kyo asked in confusion. Tohru didn't answer, but instead cried buckets.
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"B-B-BI-POLAR!" she cries, sitting down on the ground and filling one of Arnold's DD-cup bras with tears. "Whyyyy! Why would you saaaay such things!"
"Ohh, my little Tohru, I'm sorry…" Kyo goes over to Tohru and attempts to give her a hug, but she roundhouse kicks him in the ovaries and he goes flying.
"I AM NOT YOUR LITTLE TOHRU! I'M AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR… PUNY MEN!" And she stomps off self-righteously in the direction of her flooded bedroom.
The group just stares, Kyo clutching a bruised Fallopian tube.
"Icky. Women and their mood swings. What a hassle! Men are sooo much easier to handle." Haru says, holding the Tupperware container full of Shigure.
Kyo notices.
"Is that… is that Tupperware? Could I – Why did you take my Tupperware? Where's my Mr. Teddy Waffles?"
Arnold/Yuki, with a bruised neck and various other serious injuries, holds up a molding pink stuffed bunny. "You mean this little old thing?" Yuki says, grinning. "I thought this was TOHRU'S. Maybe I should just go give it to HER."
Kyo twitches, then jumps and attaches himself to Yuki's head.
But Yuki holds the bunny just out of Kyo's rabid reach, and Kyo flips onto the ground and starts spazzing animatedly.
Shigure the puddle gurgles "Get Tohru. She knows what to do, man."
Little leaves of pot are floating around in Shigure's puddle, and he sucks one onto his mouth, which by this time is migrating dangerously close to the melted mess that is his left arm.
"TOHRUUUU!" Arnold screams in a high pitched yet nonetheless manly voice. "Get out here! We need your assistance! Mwahaha!"
Tohru notices the mess on the lawn. Having put on her normal clothes, she runs down the flooded staircase and swims out into the yard, deciding that she needs to take charge and aid her poor, defenseless little Kyo.
She pulls a Tupperware container out from underneath her skirt and hands it to the seizuring Kyo, who shoves it into his mouth and begins gnawing away like mad, making little squeaking angry noises and not stopping to breathe.
He waves his thanks with his right shoe and flips the birdie to Arnold, who grabs said finger and breaks it off. Kyo, however, does not notice.
Everyone else, however, winces in pain, and Shigure, who by all rights shouldn't even be alive, falls to the ground with Haru in a dead faint.
Yuki sums it all up, having let Arnold smoke the finger like a cigar – "Ouch. That's gotta hurt."
Kyo doesn't even feel a thing.
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END CHAPTER TWO
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A/N: What will happen next? Will Kyo ever notice he's missing an appendage? Will Tohru ever become a normal human being, and will Haru ever get his steak?
You'll never know.
Haha.
The End. Of this chapter, at least. This is a series of one-shots.
Yours,
-- Your-face22 and Kiddo.