A/N: This was inspired by "Indiana Jurai and the Master Key", a fic by Davner that I finished. I thought (and still think) it was a very funny idea, but being as it was mostly a parody of the third Indiana Jones movie, "The Last Crusade". I felt that the first two deserved the same treatment and in that vein I know give you a "Tenchi Muyo!" parody of "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I do not own Tenchi or Indiana Jones. They are owned by AIC Pioneer and Lucasfilm Ltd. Respectively. And solely for this chapter
' ' Not speaking in English
" " Speaking in English
Ch. 1 The Jungles of Costa Rica
The hot, humid jungle air was stifling and discouraged travel more than the thick underbrush that, aside from hiding the trail, had above ground roots that tripped the unobservant traveler. Despite this, a group of three and a donkey (who really had no choice in the matter) moved through the jungle. The two in front were natives from a nearby village; both were swarthy with black hair. They both looked unsettled. The one trailing behind them was a woman in her late 20s, wearing a fedora, white blouse and brown slacks. A side bag was hanging down her left shoulder across her chest and hanging on her back and a sleeve from a brown, leather bomber jacket hung out of it. Her face was obscured by the fedora, but she moved confidently through the brush, as though certain of the trail.
This odd group continued their trek for another hour before the woman called for a break and sat down at the base of a large tree. She dug around in her bag for a minute before finding an antique map and proceeding to read it. The two guides made for the river under the pretext of getting some water for the donkey. Once they arrived they spoke to each other in conspiratorial whispers. 'This woman is crazy. I don't care how much she's paying us to guide her. There's no way I'm going into the temple, it's cursed.' The other shook his head, 'Well, what are we supposed to do? She is paying us. Well too. ' 'So you intend to follow her? ' 'What else can we do?' 'Well, we're three days away from the village…we could just kill her and-' the native suddenly jerked back and fell into the water. The other turned to see the woman standing on the bank with a smoking revolver in her left hand. Ignoring the dead man in the river, she holstered her gun, turned to the remaining guide and said, 'Let's get going. We're close now. '
Within a couple hours they found themselves at the opening of a mossy, crumbling ruin. The guide made some show of tying up the donkey, fumbling with the rope on numerous occasions due to shaking hands. The woman showed no signs of impatience and waited for her guide, in the meantime examining the ruin, then taking a small bag and filling it with sand. The front was barely visible because of all the jungle overgrowth, but the entrance was as plain as day, the unobservant eye would have thought it a cave. 'Okay, the donkey's tied up. We can go in. ' The woman nodded and led the way into the temple.
The light from outside eliminated the need for torches, but also revealed the ceiling. There were huge cobwebs everywhere, hiding the rock. With a startled oath the guide stepped back from the woman. She turned slightly and saw that he was pointing at her back. Looking down, she saw four VERY large tarantulas on her back. She slowly reached for her right side, a few more spiders falling on her back, and pulled out a black bullwhip. Slowly she knocked the spiders off of her back using it, then signaled for the guide to turn around, and brushed his back off in a similar fashion. They then continued until they hit a dead end in the form of a deep pit in the floor. Using her whip and the large crossbeam over the pit, the woman managed to get both of them across the pit.
The room was large with a raised altar on the wall furthest from the two. On the altar was a small golden idol. The guide made to run across the floor for the idol, greed apparent in his eyes, but he was stopped by the woman, who picked up a large piece of wood and used it to push down on one of the many diamond shaped tiles on the floor. A large arrow embedded itself in the wood. The woman stood up, and looked at the guide pointedly. Her fedora was pushed back, revealing her face. She was a striking woman with red eyes, pale skin and deep violet hair that was intricately, but functionally done up. She then began moving cautiously across the floor, careful to avoid stepping on the diamond shaped tiles. She finally stood in front of the altar. Pulling out the bag she had earlier filled with sand, she quickly replaced the idol with it. Grinning triumphantly, she started to turn back, but stopped after hearing the sound of grinding stone.
The bag, apparently too heavy, was causing the raised portion of the altar to sink down. She turned around and ran, heedless of the diamond tiles, barely dodging the arrows fired from the walls. Getting back to the pit, she'd seen that her guide had already gotten across using the whip. He was yelling, 'toss it to me! Toss it to me!' She threw it, but the moment the guide caught it, he threw the whip short and it started to fall into the pit. She dove for it, catching it and grabbing on to the edge of the opposite side. The guide grinned, 'Later!' And ran towards the entrance. After saying a few very unladylike words, the woman managed to pull herself up out of the pit. Putting the whip on her belt she made to give chase but stopped short. The guide, apparently not looking where he was going, had been impaled by a wall of spikes. Grabbing the idol, She said in a decidedly English accent, "Later!"
She stared running out of the cave but kept her eyes open, three feet from the entrance, she heard a low rumbling sound. Turning around, she saw a gigantic boulder heading her way, "Shit!" She bolted as fast as her legs would carry her out of the cave and dove to the left avoiding the boulder. After taking a moment to catch her breath, she looked up to meet a dozen spears. She groaned, "Again, shit." A new, deep male voice, spoke amidst the crowd of Indians, "Well, well, Dr. Jurai. I must thank you for saving me the trouble of going in and getting the idol myself." The woman looked for the source of the voice. She said, "why don't you show yourself Kagato, or are you afraid?" A man with white hair and yellow, catlike eyes wearing the cliché safari outfit and a pair of nez-pince sunglasses, stepped forward, "Defiant as always Dr. Jurai, but I do believe I've won this round." "Too bad they don't know you like I do, Kagato or they wouldn't be helping you." Taking the idol from her he said, "Well perhaps you could tell them, if you spoke Quiche." He backed up slightly, and She dove under the spears and started running to the left. He turned to the Indians, 'Catch her! Kill Her!'.
They obliged, and Dr Jurai found herself running for her life with spears passing over her head ever once in a while. Finally she cleared the forest to find a plane sitting in the river, "Jenna! Jenna! Get the plane started now!" Jenna, the pilot (A/N: and a bit of blatant self-insertion by the authoress) looked up, "Indiana? What's the rush- Oh, bloody hell." Seeing the Indians break through the brush made Jenna get the plane up and running in record time. Dr. Jurai jumped into the passenger side just as a spear glanced off of the plane. As soon as she was in Jenna took off. "Ah! Jenna, why the HELL is there a snake in here!" "Oh, that's Johnny, he's my pet boa, I hope you don't mind that I brought him along." "I HATE SNAKES!" "Oh, come on, Indiana, show some backbone!"
Comments are welcome and appreciated. Mihoshi and Kiyone make thier big appearances next chapter!