END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Music is played and the lights focus back on the stage, the host is leaning against the same pillar looking rather shaken. Her ponytail sways as she looks across the audience, the two pistols clik as she steps up and sighs.

"Back to the show then. Eh---"

She pauses, staring at her cue cards in utter terror. Her hands flop against her side and she looks straight up to the ceiling.

"To my worst fears, our next guest is Aeris..."

Aeris walks on stage, her pink dress sways as the host collapses, sitting indian style she places her elbow on her knee and her head on her hand. With a lack of interest she waves an arm and scoffs. I think we have an idea what is going to happen. Aeris nods and takes a seat, where she stepped flowers begin sprouting and we here birds singing. The host nearly chokes back laughter as Aeris begins talking-

"I came on your show Ajinze, to get my man back. I fell in love with him when Midgar was collapsing around us, I was supposedly killed by Sephiroth--"

She is cut off as the host jumps up and waves the .45 at her, Aeris stares mortified as the host persists to random cursing and is suddenly swooned by a rather long haired man. The one from before, he places her at his side and pets her, the host is silent and Aeris continues.

"I know he cares for me, but this woman, Tifa, got in the way! I LOVE HIM! HE DOESN'T WANT HER HE WANTS ME!"

Aeris begins crying. Tifa jumps down from the rafter's and kicks Aeris out of her chair. The host stares and leans against the rather sexy silver haired man, she makes funny purring noises and dismisses the fight. On stage Tifa is kicking Aeris while Aeris lays crying, and trying to curl into a ball. The host becomes irritated as Aeris squeals and tifa stands aside. Just before Tifa can stab Aeris with a nearby piece of glass, OUR HOST SAVES THE DAY! A bullet passes across Tifa's left side and she moves, the host steps forward, holding the silver haired man's sword: Masamune. Tifa takes a seat immeadiately and Aeris sits as well, the host grumbles and looks at them both. The gun is tucked at her side as she weilds the long blade.

"Now we understand, I do not tolerate bitch fighting? You fight, you must fight to the death. Now Tifa, and Aeris- understand me?"

They nod, Aeris is silent and tifa clears her throat.

"Now Ajinze, understand from my view. I, and Cloud have known each other and been together for some time now. We take in orphans and raise them together- we are in love and she is trying to separate us. I came to defend my man!"

The host nods, a sage expression takes over as she places the Masamune over her shoulder and sighs. Looking between them she waves a hand-

"Well I guess you two aren't aware he is a cross dresser. He raises orphaned children. He has more hair products then paris hilton. His sword is overcompensating for something else. He is obsessed with the defeat and utter destruction of Sephiroth. He is obsessed with Sephiroth in general. Oh! And he so had an attraction to Brokeback Mountain the movie."

The two girls look between themselves and the host who is waving a- 'Cloud is gay' sign. the host smiles and puts it aside, she sways the Masamune briefly and starts to ponder, looking back at the suave silver haired figure who nods. She smiles at him and turns her attention back to the girls who are bantering at each other again. The host walks on to the stage and presently pulls a red lever. Cloud falls through the ceiling in a cage. He is wearing a long sparkley purple dress and high heels. his hair is down and curly and he has make up on. Aeris and Tifa jump at each other and begin fighting again, this time Tifa brings down an awesome roundhouse and send Aeris into a light. She is electrocuted and Tifa walks over to the cage. cloud backs away and begins twittling his thumbs-

"Tifa we have to talk about this. I have something to tell you."

He pauses and she looks hopeful-

"YES I WILL MARRY YOU AND BE YOUR HUSBAND!"

She jumps up and appears in a wedding suit, Cloud looks hopeless and frees himself from the cage. He walks over and presently stabs her, blood runs across his buster word and he looks at the host with empathetic eyes.

"I need to tell the world! I, cloud Strife, am Gay!"

He looks up and throws his fist in the air, the host begins singing 'I'm the only Gay eskimo" by corky and the juice pigs. Cloud looks up and leaps up the stairs to Sephiroth, dropping down on one knee he holds out a ring. Sephiroth looks sick and the host gets angry.

"Sephiroth, I love you, I always have and I always will. You were the Micheal Jackson to my boy, the R. Kelly to my child, you were the eel to my cave! MARRY ME!"

Sephiroth throws up all over Setzer who stabs at him and walks away. Sephiroth continues throwing up and the host raises Masamune- bringing it downwards she stabs it through Cloud. The audience goes wild. The host raises the blade and his now dead body slides down it, the blood rains down on our already bloody host. Her auburn hair shines and she chuckle the body by swinging the sword, the body crumbles into a pile full of others and Sephiroth looks at the host with some kind of thank you. she hands him his sword and sits on his lap- playing with his hair she chuckles-

"Well the next part was supposed to be you versus cloud but I guess that won't happen. Besides, NOBODY touches MY SEPHIROTH! I shall be technosexual for you."

The host is smacked by a baby bottle. Looking down Valtiel stands holding the previously and currently undead immortal god fetus. The host nods and music plays.

-----

Valtiel's baby tips, questions and answers for all your baby needs.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

-----------------

Our host giggles and looks at him, giving a thumbs up she walks down across the stage- her hands digging deeply in her pockets as she hears something. From the corner of her eye Pyramid Head steps out, a brow raises and he swaings the great knife. The host pulls out her two pistols and drops the empty clips, filling them as she runs forward and dodges another swing. The blade sends a gust of cold air to her and she finishes loading the new clips. She is draped in bullets and holding a submachine gun. The pistols are tucked in holsters at her side. She fires the endless and bullets while dodging. The audience goes wild and pigs blood suddenly spills on them, several audience members flash the stage and begins shouting. The Host feels the blade just graze her arm, looking at the wound she grumbles, her nose wrinkling as she stops and sighs.

"DAMN YOU, THIS IS MY NEW FUCKING HOODIE ASSWIPE! YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST DIE ALREADY, GO FUCKING DIE AND GET OFF MY SHOW."

She narrows her eyebrows, her blue eyes glean coldly. His sword swipes hard and smacks into her. Several limbs lay lost and her body twitches. As he hacks her to pieces and walks off the audience begins to cry. People wave lighter and sing Pink Floyd, to their disgust the remains twitch and begin reconstructing themselves. the blod flowing back into her body as the host stands up, dusting herself off she looks around.

"I can't die fuckheads. This is MY show, while I'm here I can withstand a nuclear attack- get a fucking life. On to our next guests then."

Kairi from Kingdom Hearts walks across stage, she looks out and sobs quietly. The host readilly places the submachin gun against her shoulder as she leans against a familar pillar. Clearing her throat Kairi finally looks up.

"I'm here because I'm pregnant, and I have to tell my boyfriend Sora that it might not be his."

The host winces. and waves her availible arm, placing it on her hip.

"Wait this is my show, not Maury! How many possibilities?"

Kairi pauses and looks down.

"Riku, Axel, Roxas, Marluxia, Zexion, Vexen, Saix, Goofy, Donald--"

Before she continues we notice the host staring. She walks off and the audience looks around as she returns in a biohazard suit. Looking around she clears her throat.

(In a Darth Vader-esque voice, weezing and all) "Just... Bring... All... Of... Them... Out... NOW!"

At the end of her words we see Luke Skywalker fly by chasing Han Solo and a naked Leia. After the distraction the entire Kingdom Hearts (one and two, plus CoM) spills on to the now larger stage. All eyes are on Kairi who twiddles her fingers. Larxene sits on Marluxia's lap and wields her knives towards Kairi. Sora in holding a ringbox behind and and several others are confused. Riku stares and blow kisses to the small pixie Yuna. Now the real Yuna in the crowd is at this point almost dry humping Tidus. the host looks around.

"IT WAS A DRUNKEN ORGY I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING!"

Kairi bursts out and stares, the entire cast looks around. Several members or Oragnization XIII begins fighting, Roxas and Sora are staring at each other. Zexion is admiring himself and KH Cloud is confused as KH Tifa is nowhere to be found. The host is admirably confused, but confusion ends shortly as the host is handed a mess of papers. She sorts through them and holds it up.

"Well--"

she takes off the biohazard helmet and breathes. Looking at Kairi.

"You are going to die, you have four types of STD and you are pregnant. It's not anyone on the stages'... its... MINE!"

Kairi stares and everyone is silent. The host is throwing papers around and screaming- Kairi walks up and hugs her. The host is fuming, steam rises from her ears and she begins breathing fire. Sora is crushed and everyone but Riku, Sora, and Hades leaves. Larxene whistles and walks off- the host is confused.

"Not mine, can't be- I never slept with you! I don't even have a penis! I have a vagina, and a uterus, and ovaries, and a cervix! I don't have an epididymus or scrotum, how the fuck did this happen."

The host slams her head against the pillar and cries in fury, Kairi nestles her and Sora pauses.

"Does that mean, ajinze, there may be something you are not telling us?"

The host pauses. Turning briefly she places the barrel of them submachine gun on Kairi's head and fires three shots. Kairi dies and sora stares- Riku snugs Sora and a curved smile hits his lips. As the pair walk off stage Sephiroth stands up and holds our host tightly.

"You know, certain species of animals are knwon to change gender when they need to- maybe..."

The host looks up at him with malicious intent.

"She's dead, I have no baby and I am not an animal. I am a fictional character made up in this parody story the was started at 4 in the morning after using the bathroom six times and coming to realize period blood looks like an exploded placenta."

Sephiroth as well as the audience is disgusted. As he sits down the host pauses.

"Cut to a fucking commercial."

---------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL