LISA
After the run-in with Taehyung and Rosé, we went back to my place where I had a night of watching Game of Thrones planned. I had everything ready—popcorn, cherry cola, and her favorite candy: Reese's peanut butter cups.
It amazed me that I knew her favorite candy.
I'd never let anyone close enough to learn their favorite things.
I hoped the distractions would help get Jennie's mind off the interaction with the two people who'd hurt her the most.
After I set everything up on the coffee table, I went to grab the cola from the fridge, and I stopped when I saw Jennie glancing at the tattoo in the mirror. There was a small smile that looked more like a frown upon her lips.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm fine. It's just…" She turned to me and lightly shrugged. "Today's my anniversary."
"Oh, I didn't know…" A knot formed in my gut at the thought. I'd been pretty stupid lately—letting my feelings for her grow. There was no real point, really. She was still a married woman, and she could go back to her husband at any moment when she got sick of doing whatever it was she and I were doing. Plus, it wouldn't be long before our summer fling came to an end, and she went back to her reality in Atlanta.
We'd made a deal, and it was perfectly clear that come the end of August, she'd go her way and I'd go mine.
She owed me nothing.
Still…I wanted all of her.
"Seeing Taehyung in town with Rosé must've been hard for you," I remarked.
"No, Lisa." She shook her head, placing her hand on my forearm. "Not that anniversary. It's the anniversary of my first miscarriage."
"Oh, God. I'm so sorry."
I felt like such a dumbass.
"No, it's fine. I mean, it's not, but it is, you know? That's why I wanted to get the tattoos today, to honor them. I'm not gonna lie, though—running into Rosé and seeing her pregnant today of all days really hit me hard."
"I cannot believe that happened," I whispered, combing her hair behind her ear. "I cannot understand how the two of them could've ever done that to you."
"She gave him the one thing I couldn't," she replied. "That's all I ever wanted to be for him, ya know? For me. All I ever wanted was to have a family, to be a mother, and for some reason, I couldn't do the thing women are supposed to be able to do. I couldn't…" She took a sharp inhale and closed her eyes. "All I wanted was to give him a family, and instead, he went out and created one for himself."
"I'm so sorry, Jennie."
She gave me the saddest tight smile and shrugged. "Sometimes life is so unfair, but I guess that's the way it is. I guess I'm just an almost girl."
"An almost girl?"
"You know…" She released a hard exhale. "The girl who almost gets the dream. I almost had a forever love, I almost had a forever marriage, and I was almost a mother, but after seven losses, I finally realized it wasn't in the cards for me. The doctors said if we kept trying, my body wouldn't be able to take it, but truthfully, I was more worried about my mind. I felt like I was losing it with each day that passed. I hadn't even had a chance to come to terms with that fact before Taehyung walked out on me. My mind was too broken. My heart was too sore. I'm just tired of being an almost person, that's all."
"That's not a thing," I told her, taking her hand in mine. "Being an almost mother isn't a thing. You have seven children, whether they made it here or not doesn't take away from the fact they existed. They were yours, and they were loved fully if only for those small moments. You are a mother, Jennie. I am so, so sorry you were never able to hold your babies, but you are, and always will be, a mother."
Her body began to tremble, and I pulled her in closer, trying my best to let it be known that she wasn't alone that night.
"I sometimes pretend I knew their genders, and I gave them all names," she confessed.
"What are their names?"
"Emerson, Jamie, Karla, Michael, Jaxon, Phillip, and Steven," she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Those are beautiful names."
It came in waves, her pain. For a few moments, she was fine, but then it was like the truth overtook her once more, the truth of all the losses she'd faced over the years.
No words I could say to bring her comfort.
Nothing I did would make her pain go away, so, I did the only thing I could for the remainder of the night—I held her. I let her fall apart in my arms, and let her not be okay.
I held her so tight for so long and when it came time for her eyes to rest, she faded to sleep against my chest. It broke my heart that in her dreams, the tears still fell.
Even in her dreams, the place she was supposed to find peace, she was still falling apart.
She deserved more, more than this world had given her. She deserved happiness more than anyone else out there. I hated that life had been so hard for someone so good. I hated that bad things swallowed the heart of the most graceful woman.
I hated that I couldn't fix her cracks that night.
She just deserved so much more.
We stayed in bed longer than we should've, and I held her body against mine longer than I'd planned. She was still sleeping, her breaths weaving in and out as her chest rose and fell against me. I hadn't even noticed it until it happened, my lips falling against her forehead. She'd spent the previous night broken, telling me about her darkest days, and as she spoke, I knew she was reliving each moment.
Emerson, Jamie, Karla, Steven…
The children she never got to hold, the lives she craved so much, the souls who'd said goodbye before they ever had a hello.
I couldn't imagine her pain. I couldn't imagine her hurts.
All I could do was hold her and hope my touch was enough to help her through those memories. If ever there was a woman who deserved to be a mother, it was Jennie.
The world was selfish, unjust. How could so many undeserving people be given the opportunity to raise children they didn't even want while so many worthy individuals didn't get the chance?
She shifted a bit and snuggled closer as a yawn left her lips.
"I slept over," she whispered.
"You did," I replied.
"I'm sorry. I know the rules." She sat up and stretched. "I'll get going."
"Or well…"
"What is it?" she asked, looking over her shoulder. Her hair was a mess, and I wasn't certain how she could get any more beautiful.
"Are you all right? After last night?"
She turned my way and gave me a tired smile. "I'm always all right."
"Yeah, I know…but if you're not, you can…" Stay. You can stay with me. "I mean, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here."
Her eyes softened before she broke her stare away from mine. "Careful, Lisa," she whispered, raking her fingers through her hair. "Summer's almost over, and you shouldn't make my heart skip like that. Now, come on," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed beside me. "Say something less sweet. Say something mean to me."
"I don't want to say anything mean."
"Yes, but if we are going to keep things going, we need to balance out the nice moments with some mean ones. Say anything. Think of something nice you'd like to tell me, and just say the opposite."
"All right. I think you're the ugliest person I've ever seen. Your face reminds me of a garbage can, and every time you leave, I'm happy you're gone."
She leaned in closer and rested her forehead against mine. "Oh," she said softly. "So the truth is the opposite of that?"
I nodded slightly. "The opposite is the truth."
"Lisa Manoban?" She shut her eyes.
"Yes?" I shut mine.
"My heart's doing that skipping thing again."
"Well, maybe that's okay, you know? Maybe sometimes hearts have to skip in order to keep beating."
"Can I stay a few more minutes?" she asked, her voice shaky and unsure.
"Yes, and then you can stay a few more after that."
I wrapped her in my hold, and we lay back down on the bed. The way she melted into me made my mind fog up, but I didn't mind. I hadn't felt this way in so long—intimate, protective. I wanted to protect her from the world, from her hurts, from her pain, yet also, selfishly, I just wanted to keep her close to me. I wanted to feel her against my skin, against my lips, against my chest. I wanted to feel her in my heart…
My heart…
Damn my heart.
I didn't know it still knew how to beat.