JENNIE
We gave each other space because we didn't want to use one another as a crutch any longer. If we were going to be together, we'd first have to be whole on our own. I fell back into teaching, and when I wasn't teaching, I was out and about trying new things.
For a while I thought I was the yoga type of girl until I got stuck in killer praying mantis for a good bit of time. I couldn't paint or sketch at all. When late autumn came, Mama and I took a pole dance class. I wasn't sure what was more disturbing—the fact that Mama loved it so much that she continued with the classes on her own, or the fact that she was ten times better than me.
Dad didn't know what he was missing out on.
She laughed more, too.
I almost forgot how much I loved the sound of Mama's laughter.
One late November night, I received a package in the mail with a novel and a Post-it note attached to it. My heart skipped as my fingers raced over the book cover, and then I read Lisa's words.
I'm currently in Cave Creek, Arizona, watching the sunset with Watson.
The night before, I read this novel, and all I could do was think about you and what you'd think of the words within the pages.
It's a hard read, but worth it.
-Oscar
P.S. I learned I hate sushi.
I liked the ending but struggled with the middle. I cried, which isn't surprising.
I still cry so easily.
Try this book.
It will break your heart.
-Princess
P.S. I hate sushi, too.
Alex sent me this read for Christmas.
If you read this book backward, it's better.
-Oscar
I don't know why I'm even sending this book, just skip to chapter five.
Chapter five is so good it makes up for all the other pages.
-Princess
Today I missed your heartbeats.
-Oscar
Today I missed your touch.
-Princess
It's March 23rd.
Today I sat in California watching the sunrise, and I painted the sky.
You would love this place, Princess.
Or maybe I'd just love if you were here.
Tell me something I should know.
-Oscar
Something you should know?
That's easy.
Today is April 4th, and I still love you.
-Princess
It's May 3rd, and I still love you, too.
-Oscar
When late May came around, I was getting ready to finish yet another year of teaching. It was chilling how much had changed in the past year, how much I have grown, and how much I've learned about my heart and how it beat.
On Sunday morning, Mama always headed off to church. That was something she realized about herself—no matter if she was still with Dad or not, she held on to her faith. Sometimes I went with her, and other times, I stayed and prayed on my own.
Over the past year, I learned that faith wasn't a building, yet it was a place in one's heart.
I could go to a church and be surrounded by others and join them in prayer, or I could close my eyes in my own solitude and find peace. Both ways were worthy. Both ways were right.
There wasn't one correct way to believe—there were a million possibilities out there.
That was one of my favorite discoveries. I didn't have to be a perfect Christian in order to exist in the world.
When Mother's Day came around, I went to church with Mama and sat in the pew holding her hand tight in mine. Throughout my life, there were a few hard days. Days where even when I tried to be happy, my heart still cracked, and Mother's Day was one of those. For others, it stood as a celebration. For me, it spoke of loss and failure.
I'd somewhat come to terms with the fact I wouldn't be one who had children. It wasn't in my cards, and I'd learned to accept that.
But still, some days were harder than others.
Mother's Day was one of them.
"That was a beautiful service," Mama told me as we walked home from the church with our arms linked.
"It was."
She smiled my way and tilted her head. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just tired. Yeri is driving in tonight for dinner, so I think I'll just grab a nap before she gets here."
"Sounds like a perfect plan." She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. "Today's a tough one for you?"
"Yes, it is."
She squeezed my hand again and didn't say another word. Though her comfort was enough.
That was all I ever wanted from Mama—her comfort.
As we walked up the steps to my apartment, and I unlocked the door, my eyes watered over, and I gasped as I looked around.
Scattered throughout the living room and dining room were bouquets of red roses.
Seven to be exact.
"Mama…" I started.
She shook her head. "They aren't from me."
I walked over to the roses sitting on the coffee table and grabbed the note attached to them.
Instant tears fell from my eyes.
Because there is no such thing as an "almost" mother.
Seven bouquets from your seven angels.
Happy Mother's Day, Princess.
My heart skipped as I read how the card was signed.
- Emerson, Jamie, Karla, Michael, Jaxon, Phillip, Steven, and Oscar.
There was one bouquet from each child I'd lost.
All of my babies.
All of my loves.
Mama moved over to me and read the words on the letter. "Oh, honey," she breathed out, just as stunned as I had been. "She's the one."
She was so much more than the one. Even though we were apart, she still controlled my heartbeats.
Just then, there was a knock on the front door, and when I opened it, everything inside me began to heal completely.
"Hi," Lisa whispered, holding a bouquet of roses in her hands. Watson sat right beside her, wagging her tail back and forth.
"Hi," I replied, feeling my body tremble.
"I, uh…" She brushed her hand against the back of her neck. "I've seen so many places over the past few months. I've witnessed a million sunrises, and I've seen the sun set. There were thousands of roads I've driven, and no matter which one I took, no matter if I went left or right, north or south, it seemed that they all led me right back to you."
"Lisa…" I started, but the tears and love in my soul made my words fade away.
"You're my world, Jennie Ruby Jane," she told me, moving in closer. Mama removed the roses from her hold, and Lisa took my hands into her. "You're my faith. You're my hope. You're my true religion. I'm a better woman because you exist. I'm me because of you. And if you'd allow it, I'd love to spend the rest of my life worshipping your heartbeats."
I held her hands in mine and moved in close. My head tilted up, and I released a small breath as my eyes locked with her. A small, tiny, breath.
My mouth grazed across her, and I whispered against her lips. "Worship me, and I'll worship you."
Then she kissed me.
She kissed me slowly, gently, and filled with love.
She didn't even have to say it, but I felt our love. I felt it shoot through my body as her lips pressed against mine. Our souls intermixed, and our flames were infinite.
It was simple, the way we loved. We loved the scars of our past, and we loved the unknown of our future. We loved the mistakes. We loved the celebrations. We loved our darkness, and we loved the light.
Our connection wasn't something built around hurt anymore.
We existed only on hope.
I didn't expect Lisa Manoban.
Out of all the prayers I'd prayed, I never thought I'd receive a woman like her. We didn't believe in the same God, but still, that was okay. We didn't always love the same things, but still, that was okay. We didn't always agree, but still…that was okay.
Because love—real love—didn't mean always holding the same beliefs. It didn't mean we had to see eye to eye on every subject. Yet what it did mean, what real love stood for was a mutual understanding. A respect for one another's dreams and hopes and wishes and fears.
Lisa respected my choice to pray to God while I respected her not to do the same.
We took the time to learn how each of our hearts beat, and in that journey, we learned that oftentimes, in the most important moments of the night, that our hearts? Our hearts beat in sync.
From that point on, we were inseparable. We were committed to our future and learning to let go of our past. I was thankful for all my blessings I didn't even expect to kiss my life. The blessings I was too blind to even realize were coming my way. That was a lesson I had to learn over time. The lesson that sometimes for the blessings to arrive, one had to get out of their own way.
Everything happened exactly as it had to unfold. Even the hard days led me to where I needed to be. All the dots connected, I just couldn't see it while I was walking down my path. Without Taehyung betraying me, I would've never crashed into Chester, Georgia, all those months before. Without all the heartbreak, I would've never known what love was truly supposed to feel like.
For that, I was thankful. For the ups and downs, for the wrongs and rights, for the heart breaking and healing. I was thankful for it all, and each night as I lay down to sleep, I'd closed my eyes and softly speak my prayers.
Dear God, it's me, Jennie Ruby Jane…