Indecision
By Dragon's Daughter 1980
Rating: PG
Spoiler: 'All's Fair'
Pairing: Charlie/Amita
Disclaimer: Other than being a devoted fan, I don't have anything to do with "Numb3rs."
I don't know.
That's the only clear response I can give myself after today. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't know if I love him. No, I like him, most certainly, and I'm not blind to the fact that he spends a lot of time with me, but I…
I don't control his life and he doesn't control mine. We're friends. Good friends. We've gone out on one disastrous date, and several more informal ones. There are days when I think it would be so easy to just lean over and kiss him, like I did when we were working together to save Prita, but something always holds me back at those moments. Like I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose what we have if things go wrong. I value his friendship above anything else I might have with him. I just don't know if we can go forward without jeopardizing it.
For better or for worse — though I think it's for the better — Charlie sees my intelligence first, then my appearance. He has never treated me with insincerity, unlike some of his colleagues, and he takes me seriously when I approach him with a problem or a solution. He trusts me to remind him when he's submerged in his world to come up for air and see the reality around him, and, I think, on a certain level, he trusts me with his heart as I do with mine to him.
It's not a romantic trust, but when you care about someone, you do end up giving them a piece of yourself and you're never sure if they're going to break it or not. You trust them not to, but people mess up sometimes and signals get misread and things get messy. I've probably screwed up a few times with him, but I hope that I can still show him that we could be something more…just not now. I'm not ready for it. I'm just not there yet.
I won't enter into anything with him without being ready for a full commitment because that's the way it is with him. When he is passionate about his work, I can be there with him because I enjoy what I do. I have to be ready to engage him on all levels of his life if I am to be a critical part of it, and I don't feel ready to be that pillar of support. There's still so much of him that I don't know that well and I can't ask him to lean against a pillar that has a weak foundation. I don't want him to lose faith in me; I don't want to fail him when he needs me the most.
I know it's rather childish of me to think this way, but I have my studies to focus on right now. I need to concentrate on making a name for myself, to show the other graduate students and the professors here that I am serious about my work and my fields, to get them to take me seriously and look beyond what they see at first glance. That's what I keep telling myself. I suppose the other fact that's keeping me from making a clear decisive move in our relationship (however it's defined) is his indecision. I don't know if he wants to move forward with me and he's just waiting for me (which would be just like him) or if he's relieved that I'm not interested at the moment. There are days when I think he is just as unhappy about this arrangement as I am and there are days when I think he doesn't mind that we're just friends.
To be honest, it hurt today, a lot more than I ever expected it to. It still stings even now, just thinking about it. I thought I had reconciled myself to the fact that we are, for the time being, just friends, and because of that, in my mind, (but apparently not my heart), he is free to date whomever he wants to. When Susan Berry walked into the classroom, I was stunned. Charlie had dated her? The man who occasionally forgets social norms when he's involved in his work had dated and lived with this tall, golden-haired woman for nearly two years? The same man who had stammered slightly as he indirectly asked me out on a date? Where did I go wrong? Was it because we didn't talk about our work together? Was it because of me that the date didn't work out? Did I not put enough effort in? — There's really no point in rehashing all the doubts that suddenly ran through me. I'm not sure what comment I murmured to Larry before I turned away, but he didn't mention the subject again.
I spent the rest of the day trying to act normal. I don't know how miserably I failed. Charlie was immersed in the data, but Larry kept sneaking concerned glances at me when he thought I wasn't looking. As soon as I could, I fled and, now, I'm here, sitting next to a small pond in a secluded patch of the campus, thinking and sorting things out. But emotions aren't precisely categorical.
I'm trying to find the bright spot in all of this: Charlie's happy. I saw the look on his face when she walked into the room. He was beaming with happiness and the way they stood so close to each other in the doorway, millimeters from each other, a slight lean and they would be in a kiss or embrace… they briefly reminded me of my grandmother's photograph of my parents standing in the entrance of the wedding chamber, so close, so linked in a way that I could never describe. I wonder if I will ever have that with anyone, that intimacy.
I really shouldn't be crying about this. After all, I made the choice that my education takes precedence over any relationships I might have, and I have to live with it for now.
Charlie's mentioned before he has a standing invitation to lecture at Cambridge. If he takes it, I'll tell him before he leaves to go with her. Or maybe I won't. I probably won't. I don't have a right to ruin his happiness, and I don't want to lose his friendship with a bitter remark. If he stays, which is a slight possibility, I suppose I might have a chance to change my mind.
A possibility. What are the chances I could calculate that? Funny, how he says everything's numbers. I'm not sure how love and relationships can be quantified into variables — I know he's done it before; I've helped him do it — but it just doesn't seem reasonable. Mathematics and science are logic-based studies; both very clean-cut and precise. You can't argue with data or rational proofs. But emotions are not clean or precise; they are unpredictable and they change from moment to moment. Yesterday, I was fine; today…I'm not. Numbers can tell you if a car can brake in time to avoid a collision, but they can't tell you if someone loves you back.
The thing with life is that there is no crystal ball that can tell me what to do: should I act, should I wait? It is now too late for me? Have I messed up irrevocably?
I hope not. I won't press him; it's not my place to do so. We both have separate lives to focus on. I might never have a romantic relationship with him; it not might be written in the stars for us. But if he ever needs me, I will be there, no matter what. That's the best promise I can make for myself; maybe one day, it will be different, for the both of us.