AWAKENING

The cold water was like a sudden awakening as she leant over the sink and splashed her face. Lily took a moment to steady herself, placing her hand on the edge of the bathroom vanity. She didn't stand up straight away for two reasons.

One was the fear that the rush of blood to her head would cause her to collapse; the other reason was one of shame. She hated the site of her reflection in the mirror these days. It made her uncomfortable. Her once manicured appearance was now tired and strung out. Her formally sparkling eyes were sunken and dark.

As if woken from a deep sleep, she suddenly zoned in on the muffled voices in the distance.

Who was her flat mate talking too and why had she heard her name?

"How long has she been like this?" Derek asked his sisters flat mate Jenny.

Jenny fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Jenny… I need you tell me how long my sister has been using?" Derek said, careful to keep his voice steady. He was thankful that Jenny had called him at all, but fearful of what state he would find his sister in.

They had always been close. Why had he missed this?

Lily had dropped out of pre-med and relocated to San Francisco. She had said she was going to study communications and writing, but he had known she had really wanted to escape.

Lily had only ever gone in to Medicine because "That was the thing you did in the Shepherd Family". It was what he had done, and his other sisters Audrey, Lucy and Ava. Lily had just followed the plan… but it was never her destiny.

She had known that all along, as had Derek, but she had been too concerned with her parents approval, particularly her fathers, that she had just gone along with the plan.

Now it was clear it had taken its toll and Derek was just so angry at himself for missing the signs.

He had been so consumed with his own life, his Neurology residency was almost over and he and Addison were expecting a baby. He had let Lily slip out of his sight.

He cursed himself because he had appointed himself her protector. From the day she had come home from the hospital. He was 7 years old when Lily had been born.

Everyone had been concerned how he would feel about the little pink lump who was taking his role as the Shepherd Family Baby.

But he knew instantly they would be friends for life.

The first day Rose bought her home he promised his mother he would love her forever.

"I'm going to look after her Mommy" Derek had told his Mother.

"That's what Big Brother's do" Rose had smiled at her dark haired angel.

"No Mommy… I'm going to protect her for life"

Rose had just chuckled to herself. But he had meant it.

Then when Lily was diagnosed with a Brain Tumor at 16 Derek had raced home from College to be by her side.

"You don't have to be here all the time Derek, you've got so much on" Lily had said weakly from her hospital bed.

"I'm here because I want to be here Mush" He had said lovingly, using his special nick name for her.

Lily was the reason he had chosen to go into Neurology.

He had silently prayed at her bed that if she survived he would make it his mission to help others with the same medical conditions.

He had helped her through her long treatment and rehabilitation. Giving up his weekends and free times.

"You're too good to me Derek" Lily had said to him once following a particularly hard physio session.

"I'm your brother Lily" Was his simple reply.

But now as he stood in the kitchen of her tiny apartment simple answers seemed so far away.

"You did the right thing Jenny… calling me" Derek said, trying to reassure the young girl.
"You called my brother?" Lily asked incredulously. She had been standing out of view in the darkened hallway.

"Lily I? I just… you…" Jenny stammered.

Lily stepped into the light and Derek was immediately hit with her haggard appearance. She looked older than 20. Her face was drawn, her hair knotty and unkempt tied up in a messy ponytail.

"Lily, I hadn't heard from you" Derek said.

"I have to check in with you these days?" Lily shot back in a tone that was foreign to Derek. Her voice oozed contempt.

"Lily?" He said surprised.

"Since when are you my keeper?" Lily stood at a distance from Derek, fearing she would reveal too much if she got closer. She hated him seeing her like this… but unexplainable to her right now, she just hated him. In fact she hated everyone.

She turned and stared at her flat mate.

"Next time you have an issue with me, tell me, and don't call in reinforcements" She spat the words.

"Lily, that's enough" Derek said firmly.

"It's enough when I say it's enough" Lily jerked her head back towards Derek and squinted her eyes.

"Clearly you're not in any position to judge that Lily" He said looking at her seriously. She turned around and quickly retreated to her room, slamming the door.

Derek sighed.

"She's bad" He said sadly and Jenny nodded.

"Probably high right now" He shook his head in disbelief, still grasping the image of his sister he had just seen. So different from the vibrant Lily he was used to.

"Do you mind heading out for a bit?" He turned to Jenny.

"I can stay at my boyfriends for a bit" She replied.

Derek shook his head.

"Just an hour or so, I have a hotel booked, I'll take her there for a few days, then I'll work out where the best place is for her from there" He forced a smile.

"Thanks again" he said as Jenny went and collected her bag and keys.

"Good luck" She said before closing the front door.

Derek looked in the direction of Lily's room. Then he pulled out his cell phone and dialed his home number. Addison picked up.

"Hey… it's me" He sighed.

"Derek… I got your note when I got home this morning? Where are you?"
"San Francisco"
"San Francisco… what for?" Addison sounded annoyed.

"Lily needed me"

Addison heaved a huge sigh.

"I need you Derek… I'm five months pregnant, still working 70 hours a week and I come home and find out my husband has taken off… who knows where… for who knows who or what" Addison was tired and did not want to deal with this. She was sick of Derek's self appointed role as Lily's protector. She hadn't found her decision to drop out of pre-med a wise one, and was frustrated by his constant defense of Lily.

"I said I would ring" Derek responded, tired from the trip and the repeated argument.

"You said you would call… and that's supposed to make it okay. Lily is a grown woman… she's 20 years old Derek, she can look out for herself".

"This is serious Addie" He tried to explain.

"When is it not with her Derek?" Addison was angry. Even pregnant with his child, she still felt she wasn't her husband's number one priority. Work first, Lily second… then if she was lucky she came in third.

In truth this wasn't the way Derek felt… but he did have a hard time making Addison feel loved. Because he felt it, he often just assumed she knew.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this?" Derek was getting annoyed.

"Oh that's right, it's my fault, you take off with no warning and I'm at fault for wanting some answers"

"I'll be in touch Addie" he said and he hung up before she could tell him off again. He knew he hadn't handled it well, he understood where she was coming from but he knew he couldn't make her understand him.

He walked to the door that Lily had disappeared behind and knocked on it.

"Lil, open up" He said, waiting a moment to hear her reply but he was met with silence.

"Mush, c'mon… you need some help"

"I don't need your help Derek" Lily said, just loud enough for Derek to hear her.

"I think you do Lily, clearly you do" He replied opening the door slowly to see her curled up in a ball on a rug on the floor.

She looked up at him, her eyes wet from tears, and his heart broke.

He quickly joined her side and enveloped her with his arms.

"You need my help Lily" He repeated.

"I don't know how to ask" She said weakly.

"You don't need too" He said and he held her tighter as the tears wore through her defense.

Lily entered the hotel room first while Derek tipped the bell boy at the door and instructed him on where to place the bags.

She silently scanned the room trying to prepare herself for the days ahead. Derek had assured her he had a plan. He would help her through her withdrawal. He would stay with her and hold her hand as he had through every other hard time in her life. But she wasn't so sure this time.

Her eyes rested on Derek and she forced a smile to mask her uncertainty.

"You ready for this Mush?" He asked her, knowing the next few days would be amongst the toughest in her life. Tougher than when she battled her tumor because she had to want it…. Really want it.

Lily looked back at him stony faced, she could not form the words, so she simply nodded. Derek walked over to her silent, pick up her hand and gave it a supportive squeeze.

HOUR 1

Lily paced the floor.

She jiggled at the silver necklace around her neck. It felt restricting and annoyed her.

She rolled her neck to try and loosen it up.

"Sit down Lily, I'll order a movie" Derek watched her from the couch.

Lily shook her head aggressively and went to the window.

Derek sighed, knowing this was just the beginning.

He had contacted the hospital and taken a week and a half leave. He knew Addison would be livid when she found out because it meant he would most likely not be able to take leave when the baby arrived… but he couldn't think about that now.

His eyes were fixed on Lily, who stood expressionless at the window, not really looking at the view, just blankly staring into the horizon.

Hour 12

Lily sat up in a panic. Derek who was had fallen asleep beside her startled from his sleep too. He looked at the clock beside the bed. Through a sleep haze he read 1.13am.
"You okay?"
"I'm going to throw up" Lily covered her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

Derek followed her and watched sadly as she her body wretched above the toilet bowl.

There was nothing he could do for her, but move to her side and rub her back.

Hour 16

Lily sat draped in a blanket in a chair that faced the window, she watched as the city began to rise for the day and she yearned for the new beginning.

She nursed a dust bin on her lap. Despite having thrown up every last morsel she could imagine, she wasn't confident her body would agree.

Derek was asleep on the bed.

He had stayed up with her through her sickness.

Ever the attentive brother and doctor he had poured her a glass of lemonade and tried to help her drink it.

Suddenly from no where he stomach rumbled and she felt the now familiar force of her gut reacting.
She bent her head over the bin and released.

Hour 22

Derek answered the door to room service and grabbed the tray. He didn't want the man on the other side to enter the room and see Lily the way she was.

He placed the tray down on a table and turned to her.

She was laying on the floor, staring aimlessly at the TV, the colors of the advertisements reflecting in her wide eyes.

"You need to eat"

"No thanks" She managed.

"Lily, just some dry toast, you need something in your belly after all the vomiting" He took a plate over and sat it in front of it.

The smell made her dry wretch.

"You need to eat"

"No THANKS" She repeated with more force.

Derek ran his fingers through his curly hair in frustration.

His phone rang.

"Addison" He said having looked at the i.d.

"What's going on?" She asked, her tone having softened slightly from their last conversation.

"I can't talk now" he lowered his voice.

"Derek, please… what's wrong with Lily?" She asked, knowing that it must be serious.

"Addie, trust me…" was his only reply and Derek's heart ached at the sound of Addison sighing in irritation and hurt. He didn't want to upset her, but he didn't want to go into all the details.

He was fearful that Addison would call his parents or other sisters. The last thing Lily needed now was one of them to hop a plane to San Francisco and see her in this state.

Lily leapt up from the floor.

"Spider!" She squealed.

"What was that?" Addison asked on the phone.

Derek watched as Lily ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

He looked to the floor where she had been lying.

There was no spider.

"Nothing" He said.

"I gotta go"

"Of course you do" Addison replied.

"I love you" Derek said feebly.

And Addison hung up without responding.

Hour 36

Lily moved restlessly in the chair. She couldn't get comfortable. Frustrated she stood up, bending over to rub her thighs.

"My legs are killing me" She complained.

Derek looked up from his newspaper.

"Joint pain isn't uncommon" He reasoned but Lily didn't care.

"Thanks Doc" She said sarcastically.

She began to pace the room again, tapping her hands together edgily as she did.

Derek followed her with his eyes. There was little else he could do to offer her comfort. He knew that as a doctor and he knew that as her brother.

She grabbed at her head.

"Shit!" She muttered.

"I'm tired" But she couldn't sleep. That was another side effect. Her body was exhausted but every time she closed her eyes all she saw was light, and she couldn't lie down because it drove her crazy. She felt as if things were crawling over her, and the aching in her legs was unbearable.

"It's driving me insane".

"You've a long way to go" Derek looked back at his paper.

"Thanks again Einstein" Lily again was sarcastic but her words were more heated as the agitation was rising.

Derek ignored her.

Hour 52

Lily wiped at her the sweat on her forehead.

Derek was in the bathroom wetting a cloth.

She couldn't get warm but she was sweating profusely.

"Here" He handed her the wash cloth but she couldn't lift her arm to take it.

"Derek" She moaned, through her clenched teeth.

"Why are you doing nothing… why are you standing there doing nothing?" She asked bitterly.

"Take the cloth Lily" He said but then he knelt instead and dabbed at her forehead.

She turned her head away.

"Lily" He said as if speaking to a three year old.

"What?" She snapped.

"What do you want from me? You all want something from me… and it's never enough!" Her words were venomous.

"You're as bad as them" She shouted.

"Who Lily?" He asked, but he knew the answer.

"Oh you know Derek… you're on their side, you're here because they sent you, Mum and Dad… they told you to come and take care of me" Her hysteria was growing and Derek placed his hands on her arms.

"Lily, I'm here for you"

"You don't care about me"

"Lily" He kept his voice calm.

"You're ashamed of me too" He pulled her into his embrace, she tried in vein to fight him but she had no strength.

Hour 75

Lily sat on the floor of the shower.

She hadn't slept in nearly 2 days, except for some brief naps.

Derek had forced some food into her an hour before and she had heaved it up a half hour later.

He had carried her into the bathroom, started the shower and left her to be.

She arched her head back and let the water run down her face.

She had never hurt so much; even through all the treatment for her tumor she had never experienced pain quite like this.

For this was her own doing. She had thought she was indestructible. She had looked for a way to sop her confusion… but had only created more.

Her own bad choices had led her to this point.

And one thing could take it all away. One thing could ease the pain.

She weakly stood up, placing her hands on the taps to ensure she didn't fall over.

Still soaking wet, her hair dripping she put on a toweling robe and poked her head out the door.

"Derek, could you get me some peanut butter and chocolate… and some flowers, I want some lilies" Her voice was raspy.

He looked at her quizzically but he recognized those as two of the things that always made her feel better when she was sick.

"I'll call the concierge" He said.

"I don't want to wait, there's a market up the street a little" She suggested wanting him to leave.

"I don't want to leave you alone" Derek knew it wasn't a wise move.

"Take my shoes, my clothes – whatever, I promise I'll be a good girl and stay put" She offered him what appeared to be a genuine smile.

He softened.

"Okay, I'll be… like 10 minutes" He said, gathering his wallet and the door key.

At the door he turned to her.
"You're doing so good Lily" He smiled at her with pride. Lily looked at the floor in shame. How could he still feel pride for her?
No sooner had he closed the door than she was at the phone dialing a familiar number. Her determination so strong that she missed that Derek had come back in.

"It's me, I need you to hook me up, but it's going to take some work…" She stammered into the phone.

But Derek ripped the handset from her, slamming it down.

"What the Fk are you doing?" She glared at him.

"What am I doing?" He asked amazed.

"What the hell are you doing? You've come this far?" His arms were outstretched begging her for answers.

"Oh fk this far… and fk you Derek – fk you…. I hurt… all over, in my legs, in my head and here…" She pointed to her heart, shaking at her head aggressively fighting the tears that were determined to spill over.

"And I hate you… I hate you for being perfect and not getting what I feel" She yelled at him.

"I'm not perfect" He said.

"You are, you all are, and Mum and Dad don't judge you, but they judge me…" She saw him roll his eyes.
"What the fk is that? Why'd you roll your eyes?"

Derek had tried to be composed with Lily. Not wanting to rub salt into her wounds but he was exhausted and he was annoyed.

"Because of you Lily – you and your woe is me act" He pointed as he spat the words.

"Woe is me… woe is me?" She stuttered disbelievingly.

"It's pathetic… you had it all, you have it all, but you just don't want it… and you blame everyone else for it…. You don't think I feel pressure, I do. Everyday I try to be a good son, a good doctor and a good husband… and I seem to suck at the last one… big time, but do I cop out… do I get to give up and blame it on Mum and Day… or anyone but me?" Derek's emotions were rising and while he was angry, tears were stinging at his eyes too.

"You need to wake up to yourself Lily, I get that you felt judged when you left med school, but you weren't, only by you… sure Dad was disappointed but only because he could see you slipping"

"Oh please, he didn't give a shit about me" Lily turned her back.

Derek threw his hands up in frustration.

He walked to his bag.

"What! You giving up on me too?" Lily turned her head in his direction.

He stopped still, holding his carry on bag.

"No Lily, you do that enough for all of us" He said then looked down fishing around in the bag.

He pulled out his prescription pad.

"You want drugs so bad, let me write you a prescription for some" He said the words forcefully as he scribbled on his pad. He ripped off the note.

"Here" he held it out to her but she didn't take it. Instead she began to cry.

He started to write again.

"Not to your liking… here" he ripped off another sheet. When she still didn't take it, he threw it at her feet.

"God Lily, what do you like, something to put you to sleep, or send you through the roof" He asked sarcastically, grabbing at her hand. She kept it in a tight first and he pried it open, stuffing a prescription in her hand.

She began to shake, the tears coming harder, she gasped for air.

"You're giving up on me" Lily sobbed.

He softened, and then pulled her into him. He held her as she tried to breathe through the steady stream of tears.

"I will never give up on you Lily… you just have to stop giving up on yourself".

The next 5 days were a blur for both Lily and Derek. Lily's withdrawal peaked about half a day after the phone call incident, but her joint and muscle pain continued. She was finally able to eat on day 5 and slept for 12 straight hours on day 6.

She was exhausted, she felt beaten but after their blow up she tried her best not to take it out on Derek. She kept reminding herself that he was there for her. It wasn't easy, sometimes the demons she was fighting threatened to suck her back in, to convince her that she wasn't worthy of saving.

She and Derek talked about Plans. She wanted to write. It was what she had always wanted but been afraid to do. She wanted to tell the stories that were inside her.

She also wanted to tell other peoples stories, so she was going to try and study communications and writing like she had originally planned. Maybe she would work in journalism, make her own way, without the Shepherd name.

She made a decision to work under another name, but she didn't want to turn her back on her family entirely so she decided to use her mother's maiden name. Lily Maloney was born in those 8 days. It was her awakening.

The day had come for Derek to return to New York. Lily had faced her issues and now it was time for him to face his. He needed to go home and support his pregnant wife… and face her wrath.

He had decided to take an early morning walk before taking Lily to the rehab clinic were she would continue to face her battle. He had researched the facility through a contact at the hospital and they had assured him it was the best in the San Francisco area. Then he would o home and tell his family what was going on with Lily.

Derek had left Lily to take a bubble bath before checkout. It was the first time he had left her alone since the phone call on day 3, when he had been naive enough to trust her.

Today was her test and he was certain she would pass.

He stopped in front of a small florist noting they had a café as well and decided to enjoy a coffee before returning to collect Lily.

He walked in and scanned the charming surrounds, fresh flowers everywhere, with small tables scattered amongst them, five or six people sitting enjoying the morning with a coffee, some food and the paper.

Derek walked to the counter and stood next to a customer waiting there. She had sandy blond hair that was loosely pulled back in to a ponytail; she was talking softly on a cell phone.

"Can I help you?" An assistant asked with a friendly smile.

"I'd like a cappuccino and a muffin… and a bouquet of White Lillies" He decided to farewell Lily with her favorite flowers.

The customer next to him hung up her cell.

"Yes it was supposed to be roses, the order went in last week" She said, before looking at Derek apologetically.

"Sorry, how rude, you were ordering" She said with a crooked smile as she tried to take some papers from under her arm and place them on the counter.

"It's okay, I'm done"

"Did I hear you say White Lilies, I love Lillies" The female customer said.

"Why roses then?" Derek asked, referring to her earlier statement.

"Bridal Bouquet" She shrugged her shoulders.

"You're getting married, congratulations" Derek smiled.

"Noooooo" the woman shook her head as if he had said a dirty word.

"Not me, I'm a maid of honor for a college friend, who as it turns out is bridezilla" The woman whispered the last line with a hint of naughtiness.

Derek laughed with her, taking his wallet from his pocket and placing it on the counter.

"The Lillies for your wife?" She asked noticing the wedding ring on his finger.

"No… they probably should be I'm in the bad books, they're for my sisters she's been… unwell, I'm here from New York visiting her" He said, unsure why he was sharing so much information with the woman at the counter. He felt strangely comfortable.

"Are you from San Francisco?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Seattle originally, now Boston"

"I like Seattle" Derek replied.

The assistant came back and interrupted them with more questions for the lady. She apologized profusely for her friend, the bridezilla, changing orders.

Derek tried not to stare at her. She had fine features, tiny in fact, and her face and smile radiated a warmth rarely seen… a familiarity.

"What do you do?" The woman turned to Derek when the assistant left her again to check up on her order.

"For a living?"

"I uh… work in sales" he lied, feeling the brain surgeon response might seem like a pick up line, no matter how truthful.

"I'm going to be doctor" She said, and he smiled, amused at the coincidence.

"What? I don't look like a doctor" She wandered.

"It's the sunglasses" She lifted them to reveal her sparkling green eyes.

"We had the bachelorette party last night" She explained.

"Too much tequila"
"I like tequila" he lied without knowing why.

She stifled a small laugh as her phone rang again.

"Bridezilla?" He asked her and she nodded with a small smile answering the phone. He noticed that her eyes twinkled when she smiled.

"Here's your order sir?"
The sales assistant handed Derek a paper bag and the Lillies.

He handed over the cash, and then gave the woman he had been talking to a wave goodbye.

"Hold on a sec Jess" She said covering the phone.

"You should get some flowers for your wife too, it'll make her day" She offered, tilting her head.

Derek looked at her.

"I think I will… when I get back to New York" He said.

"Good luck with Bridezilla" He turned and exited the shop, but at the window he felt compelled to look back inside at the woman and was pleasantly surprised to see her looking back at him. She gave him a friendly grin, hanging up her phone she turned back to the sales assistant.

"Here's the order" the assistant said.

"I just need your name and signature"

"Meredith… Meredith Grey, where do I sign?" She replied, looking over her shoulder briefly one more time to watch the charming stranger walk away.

"All the good ones are taken" She joked, turning back to the assistant.

The taxi pulled up at the steps of the centre. Lily looked ominously out the window at the stony stairs and the woman coming down them, clipboard in hand.

"Ohh welcoming party, I must be special" She joked and Derek let out a small laugh.

"You are" He teased getting out.

He quickly walked around to Lily's door and opened it for her.

The woman joined them.

"My name is Katherine, we spoke on the phone" She looked at Derek and they shook hands.

Lily noted her teeth were too big for her mouth and that her curly hair seemed to move on it's own as she talked.

"You must be Lily" She turned to her and gave her a big cheesy smile.

"That's me" Lily forced a smile, more for Derek's sake.

"Can we have a moment?" Derek asked Katherine, who nodded, before stepping over to another patient near by.

"Did you see her teeth?" Lily whispered under her voice but Derek looked back seriously.

"Don't pick this place to pieces Lily, this is your last stop to getting back on track" he commented.

Lily nodded.

"I know, I know" She looked down at her feet. She could feel tears stinging at her eyes, sad that Derek was returning to New York.

"I'm a phone call and a plane flight away" Derek said, taking her shoulders.

"You need me, and I'm here"
Lily shook her head determined.

"Addie needs you now" Lily looked up into her brothers comforting eyes.

"I can do this, thanks to you, I can do this… and I'll come home before you know it… I'll be there by the time this baby arrives" Lily said referring to Derek and Addison's impending arrival.

"You are going to be a great father Derek" Lily said as he moved his hands down to hers and gave them a squeeze.

"I love you Mush" He said, pulling her into a hug.

"No goodbyes" she mumbled into his shoulder and through her tears.

"No goodbyes" He said, pushing her back.

He opened the taxi door and hoped back in. Through the glass he gave her a wave.

She tapped on it and he wound it down.

"Thank you" She said sincerely and he wound the window back up.

Half way up she tapped the window again. He stopped.

"I love you too" She said, and he smiled.

Then he nodded to the driver, and they drove away. Leaving Lily to get better.