Note: I know, I suck. I have finished this fic a long time ago, in PoTL, and I have no excuses for not ending it here. But eventually, I had to. So, for those who still remembered, I give you the last chapters of Ask me to Stay.

Chapter 26 - The Diary

Pacey sat on the couch, Joey's journal in hand, trying to fight temptation. He remembered when Dawson did that and the consequences of his act weren't pretty. But what harm a peak, just a small one, would do? You would be invading her most private and intimate thoughts an intern voice warned him, but the little devil on his shoulder was quickly winning the battle. You will finally know what she's thinking, that was the seductive and appealing idea. He flipped through the pages, not actually reading, searching for a reason why he shouldn't do that but his curiosity was getting the best of him. I'm only human, he thought. Soon the pro column was much longer than the con. He opened it slowly, carefully, on the last entry, her words entering his mind.

Guess what? Today I had this stupid fight with Pacey. Not really a fight, more like me bitching him out after seeing him studying with his perfect ex-girlfriend. He was studying and I freaked out. Ok, I can say I was bothered after seeing Audrey making out with Charlie, or sad knowing that my friend Jen is going to get hurt in their mess or that jealousy had the best of me, but the truth is, I made a big, big mess. And funny thing, I really trust Pacey with other women. I can keep trying to find something to justify my behavior, conscious that I have none. There were no valid reasons to bitch him out.

The real reason I fought with Pacey…despite the jealousy I feel whenever I see Erin…It's hard to put in words this constant fear I have of losing him, and I guess Erin is like a symbol of how close to that I got. Because when he got tired of my lies, my unjustifiable behavior, it was her he chose to be near him. I know that he already told me that what brought them together was broken hearts by both parts, but that doesn't stop me to think that someday he will want someone like her, not me, this neurotic full of hang ups woman, who once broke his heart. He will prefer a smart, sexy, less complicated one. Just like Erin. I can even hear him saying Potter, you are nuts, no woman can be as smart or sexy as you. But I find that hard to believe, no matter how much times he tells me the opposite.

I wonder how much more he will take, how many more times he will forgive my stupidity, how long till he gets tired of his constant cycle I put him through. All I can think is he left once and all I can do is wait for the moment he's going to do it again.

He gave me no reason to feel like that, but things have been so perfect lately that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So what do I do? Screw up things, AGAIN. Who needs Dawson Leery to sabotage my relationship with him? I do it by myself with honors.

For a long time, I blamed Dawson for how things ended between Pacey and me last summer. But I'm the only one to blame. I lied. I was the one who always put my needs in front of Pacey's, including my zombie friendship with Dawson. Cause let's face it, Dawson and I haven't been really friends since the day he made me turn in my dad. But no, my stubborn self had to insist on resuscitate a dead friendship, my last attachment to childhood, no matter how much I was hurting Pacey in the process. And I pushed him away so many times that I don't know why he's still around. I really don't deserve the guy.

Why do I push Pacey away? Why, when I love him so deeply and in every possible way? Because it's such a scary thing. Love, you know. I'm afraid to love him like I do, this overwhelming thing that makes me feel alive when I'm near him. And it scares the shit out of me. (God, even writing I ramble when I'm nervous, let's try to get straight to the point here, cause now even I am confused)

Why is it so scary? Because I can't control it. All my life I carefully planned each step, over analyzed all possibilities before making a decision, and with Pacey, I can't do that. Loving Pacey is like diving in the deep blue sea at night, where you can't see where you are, or being like a feather in the wind, never knowing where it will take you. It's unknown, scary, exciting altogether. (Rambling again)

Pacey used to say Dawson is like my security blanket and I have to admit he is right. Dawson was the constant, the steady, the routine, felt safe (except lately when he's been pulling out his The Shinning personality or should I say the shark in Jaws, that whenever he shows up you are not pleased? Ok, enough with movie references.) And boring might I add. Pacey, on the opposite hand, is the challenge, the roller coaster, the one who has something hidden upon his sleeve. He's the unknown that became all my knowledge, the uncertainty that became my certainties. (Sappy Joey strikes again: P)

I don't know if I should feel like this. I'm only 18 years old. Like I found my perfect match, the one who I will spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it's just a teenager fantasy, but the more I refuse to admit that, more sure I become that it's the undeniable truth. And I'm really afraid that he doesn't feel the same because the same ability he has to make me happy, he also owns the power to shatter my heart in million pieces. And I push him away, afraid of the pain of a broken heart, but the truth is I don't have a heart if he's not around. But he always comes back, but till when?

I can't keep on living on this constant fear, I can't keep on pushing him away, because I know that this way, I'm going to lose him, and I already had a glimpse of how life without Pacey Witter is and I can't live like that.

Pacey closed the book thoughtfully, part of him wondering what to do to calm down Joey's insecurities and part of him happy about how she could easily put in words how she felt about him. Better than speaking actually. They really had a communication issue going on. He sighed, he wanted to wake her, talk to her, show her how much he loved her, that she really didn't have a reason to be so scared, because he was scared of losing her himself. But as he had already read a part of her diary, if he was going to get in trouble for that, so, he was going to read the whole thing. Its first entry was New Year's Day.

Pacey and I spent New Year's Eve with Bess at the B&B and we decided to spend the night together at the beach house. Gretchen wasn't home so we could have the entire place for ourselves. I even thought that it would be a perfect occasion to finally have sex with Pace and he thought the same thing…but (there's always but) I got scared…again. Not that we didn't have some fun though, but the real thing. Why am I so scared? He has already shown me how good it can be (and when I say good, I mean it…that guy knows where to put his handsJ) and I'm still scared. Dumb Potter.

He flipped through more pages and, a mischievous glint in his eyes when he found the entry he was looking for.

Nice…What did I have in my stupid head to say nice? And why Pacey had to act like such a guy and ask me that? He knows pretty well that I'm not comfortable to verbalize when it comes to sex. And what words to use to describe our night together? I know I hurt him with my post coitus awkward act. Hope he won't take that as a sign of bad performance. Because that wasn't the case.

We fought all the weekend, tension between us have been terrible these past weeks. And the top point of it was me freaking out when he showed me the condom he had kept in his wallet. I accused him of expecting sex from me this weekend…Like I wasn't expecting that either. I was just too scared. And then he ended up telling me how afraid he is that Dawson still has a part of me, that he was afraid I was never going to let him love me the way he wanted. And he left me alone in our room, and I got really scared that he was going to break up with me.

Later that night, I left the room, searching him through the familiar faces of class of 2001. Just to found him talking to Anna, and I approached them, none for them taking notice of my presence. Just to hear his last words.

"This is not about sex. It's about sharing the most intimacy thing you can share with someone. No matter how long I have to wait." And those words showed me that somehow I was ready…we didn't have to wait anymore.

We went back to our room and while I combed my hair, I felt my whole body shivering with anticipation. Pacey, oblivious to what was going on inside me, asked me if he could do that, our eyes meeting in the mirror. His eyes full of surprise when I told him that I wanted to throw the wrapper away. He became so nervous that if someone were watching us would think that he was the virgin. But all the feelings we had bottled these past months washed over us, taking all of us.

How to describe how his hands and lips felt on my body? How to describe the feeling that can be compared to fly among the stars? (Poetic license here…you didn't think I was going to describe graphically what happed, I'm not ready for that yet) So I chose for the worst word combination: nice…I really should have brought my thesaurus. I feel so stupid that I should get kicked…At least I think I could make things better in the end telling him that I couldn't wait to get back at home so we could do it again. And I was speaking the truth blushing I think Pace created a monster, cause right now, the only thing I can think about is jumping on his bones.

He couldn't help the laughter at her last words…getting startled when he heard a sleepy voice right behind him.

"I wonder what you are finding so amusing, Pace."

He closed the notebook with a thud, trying to muster an excuse for reading her journal, ashamed of himself for doing that.

"Joey...I..."

"Pacey, I'm not mad, ok?" She sat beside him, her voice in a tired tone, taking the small book from his hands. "I'm just sad..."

"Jo..." He tried to reach her hands but she surprisingly stood up, pacing around the room.

"Pace, you don't owe me an explanation...you read it because you felt you needed to, and that's what's making me sad. That you had to read my journal to know what I'm thinking..." She sat again beside him, staring at the ceiling.

"Joey, I shouldn't have done that, can you forgive me?" He was getting worried as he had no answer. After a long pause, she turned to him, tears in her eyes.

"I really don't deserve you...I am the one who has to ask for forgiveness here, and you just do that..." He gently wiped her tears with his hands.

"Jo, why are you feeling this way? You know you have no reason to be jealous of Erin or any other woman." His blue eyes searching her brown ones for answers.

"I don't know, Pace...I trust you, I really do... But these fears I have overtake me and instead of telling you, sharing them with you, I keep them from you, closing off myself, making the same mistakes I did once, and that makes me even more scared, because I know that acting like that I'm making you leave."

"Jo, when are you getting in your thick head that I'm not leaving, unless you ask me to?" He chuckled lightly, trying to make her see his point. He knew pretty well what a bitch insecurity could be. It was what mined his thoughts last year, always waiting for her to leave, to realize that she should've chosen Dawson, and he was not letting her insecurities jeopardize their relationship now.

"Pace, this is not funny" She glared at him, not really mad "I don't know why I do this...it's a circle and it seems I'm not able to break it."

"Potter, listen to me." He cupped her face in his hands. "I'm not letting you do that to yourself, to us. Because this past year I did that too. Remember when you accused me of never having faith on us, always waiting for you to go back to Dawson? You were right. And that almost ruined our relationship. We both need faith on us, believe that we will make it. Because I think we will."

She smiled through her tears. He was one in a million. If there were a love lottery, she certainly won the first prize.

"You think, or you know?"

"I know." He rested his forehead against hers, smiling. She kissed him softly, letting her lips linger on his, grateful for having him in her life.

"And just for the record, I was going to give my journal for you to read anyway, to show you how much I trust you." She sighed.

"You were? So I was feeling guilty out of nothing?" He played along.

"Yep. You should see the look in your face when I came in..."
"I'm glad that I was of use to your amusement." He kissed her again. "Did you realize this?"

"What?" Joey cocked her neck to face him, her eyes with a new shine.

"It was our first fight since we got back together."

"And the last one, I hope." She replied.

"No, it won't be" He kissed her to stop her protests. "Because we both enjoy the makeup sex really badly." He pointed each word with a kiss.

"If I weren't mad at you before, now I am." She kissed his neck, her actions going against her words. "This is all I am for you, Mr. Witter? Some chick to have sex with?"

"No, Ms. Potter, it's not only about sex. Quoting this fabulous writer I know, it's a feeling that can be compared to fly among the stars"

"I am so gonna kill you…you read that too?"

"I had to see if you wrote something more than nice there." He shrugged. Teasing her was one of the easiest things in his life.

"You are a dead man, Pacey Witter."

"At least I'll be a happy dead man." He grinned when he saw the spark in her eyes.

"I missed you, Pace" Her face suddenly serious.

"I missed you, too, Jo." He stood up with her in his arms. "What about we solve this problem now? You, me, my bed."

"You really think too much about sex, Pace."

"Just when it's been two days since I last touched the woman I love properly."

"It's ok, then. I missed my teddy last night too. Just because of that." She replied nonchalantly, decided to have the last words.

He laughed, throwing her over his shoulder, walking the few steps towards his bedroom with her like that, Joey trying her best to control her laughter.

"You are such a Neanderthal." She said when he put her over his bed.

"Me Pacey, you Joey" He quipped on his best Tarzan voice.

She opened her mouth to reply, but he kissed her, making her forget anything else but him.

Jack was caressing Jen's hair. Joey had told her that afternoon about Charlie and Audrey and since then she was crying. He felt so useless, he had broken up with his boyfriend too, and he was hurting inside and didn't know what else to do to help Jen. He heard the laughter coming from outside, knowing that at least Pacey and Joey had concealed their differences. Why life couldn't be easier?

"Jack?"

"What, Jen?" God, he hated seeing her like this.

"Why do things never work for us?"

"I don't know, sweetie, I don't know."

"Can you sleep here with me tonight?" her voice small.

"You didn't have to ask." He laid beside her, holding her in his arms, trying to comfort her till both of them drifted off to sleep.

The first lights of dawn were touching the sky when Pacey opened his eyes, missing Joey beside him. She was sitting by the window, wearing one of his shirts, her knees next to her chest, looking thoughtfully through the window. He got up, slipped his boxers on, and touched her shoulder to make her notice him. She stood up without a word, and he sat, pulling her to his lap, his chin resting on top of her head.

"Why are you out of bed so early?" he asked in a sleepy voice.

"I needed to think." She kissed his face. "I'm still feeling bad for Jen, you know. I feel like I was so worried with myself, with being a good girlfriend, that I forgot I had to be a friend too."

"Jo, it wouldn't make any difference, and you know that." He tightened his arms around her. "You wouldn't stop Charlie and Audrey of screwing up. You are beautiful like a goddess, but you are not really one, you know?" He nuzzled her neck.

"There's something else in my mind too."

"Really, what's it?"

"The money I owe to Dawson. I have to give him back all that money, Pacey, but if I do that I won't be able to stay at Worthington."

"And if you transfer?"

"I don't know if my scholarship will allow me to do that. But after all that happened, I can't keep his money, even if it means that I will have to drop out college."

"Joey, you can't give up on college. We will find a way, you will see. If I could, I would give you the money, you know that."

"I know, Pace. I'll talk to Bess during Christmas break and try to look for a way to make this work out."

"Don't tire your pretty head too much, sweetheart. Now, can we go back to bed, please?"

"That was such a married line, Pacey."

"Just for you to get used to it, love."

"At least you didn't call me woman, this time."

"Ok, woman, move your butt back to bed."

"If you keep talking like this, it's couch for you, mister." She laughed as they headed back to his bed.

The end of finals came with no much surprise. Joey had made the Dean's list. Pacey had done well, not that well, but close. Jen and Jack were trying to mend their broken hearts. What was worse was Joey situation. She kept looking for a way out of the money she owed to Dawson, and Audrey was not being friendly lately. But she could put all that at rest for a while now, she thought as she jumped into the passenger's seat in Pacey's car. They were going back home now. Back to Capeside.