Chapter4 Your Optimistic Mind

There's just too much that time cannot erase.

He couldn't sleep much after that nightmare.

About several hours before dawn, Hisoka sat on his bed, gazing out the window to the night sky. His hands kept holding and shifting the barrette all the time until the break of the day. Only then did he move.

And only then did his mind face the position he was in. Hisoka's ready to go to "him."

Hisoka knew where "he" is.

Long ago, when he first became a shinigami, the first thing he wanted to know so badly was how he died. And when he obtained the information for the "cause" of his death, he wanted the background of it. His partner, however, had stopped him before he had a chance to step in the prohibited area in JuOhCho.

Only later did he find out. It was no sickness at all, he was killed by someone.

Muraki Kazutaka.

---Why did he have to kill me? Why did he have to carve that wretched curse on me? Why did he only laugh at my pain? Why me?

"Because it's a rule," the malicious voice said. "You saw the face of a killer, something you are not supposed to see. And you're far too beautiful just to kill, so I'll take this advantage. I'll take this pleasure in torturing such an enchanting creature.---

Hisoka tried to shake the thought off of his head.

Not this time; when he finally was able to sneak in again, that his partner was around to stop him. It seemed to him that his partner used to always be around, preventing him from getting involved with a certain maniac. Tsuzuki…always there to stand between him and Muraki. But now…not anymore.

Then he finally had the information he needed from the computers in the prohibited section.

He strolled along the side walk, heading directly to Tokyo Hospital.

Tsuzuki had met Muraki before him, after they became shinigami. He asked Tsuzuki a lot about Muraki, although grudgingly. And Tsuzuki always gave him those worried looks. Hisoka wanted to know about Muraki. The boy believed the more he knew, the more he would have a chance at vengeance. However, the man would try to change the subject, or would keep his mouth shut and ignored it.

Thinking back on it now, Hisoka felt the briefest of understandings toward his partner's responses, but didn't second think it. Instead, he stepped inside the front doors to the hospital.

"Kurosaki Hisoka? And your illness?" The receptionist asked politely to the boy.

"I have an appointment with him; I wanted him to check it out himself.." He answered dryly while the receptionist started typing his name in the computer; her brow furrowed slightly. "Umm, did you already make an appointment?

"Yes, I did," he lied. "If it's not in the computer, can you please just call him?" Green eyes gestured around the hall in the hospital. "I believe I can meet him now, if it isn't too much trouble." Then he just watched as the woman contemplated the situation and nodded, she turned to dial the number on the desk phone.

His heart began beating faster.

"Dr. Muraki?"

Hisoka's blood boiled, hearing the mentioned name, although he himself had just said it before shortly. But now, he was sure that the man was here, in this hospital, not far from him. It was odd, that he could bizarrely control his temper this time. He waited, and listened to the receptionist's conversation with the man Hisoka believed that he'll soon be dead when he met him.

"Umm, there's a patient who claimed to have an appointment with you…yes…his name is Kurosaki Hisoka...ok…I'll send him up then." She hung up.

Hisoka blinked at the speed of the conversation. Frowning, his insides did a back flip. Did the man not stop and think at all that someone not unusual had come visit him? But on the second thought, Muraki was the one who was always with plans. He might already know that a shinigami was coming for him. Or…he might not even remember his name.

The shinigami went through a little procedure of the hospital before he progressed on the upper floor. He sat on the patient's chair, and waited to see the doctor.

Meanwhile, at JuOhCho.

"Bon?" Watari knocked the door louder. "Isn't he going open up?" Hazy amber eyes turned to 003 on his shoulder, she nestled against his long blond hair. The scientist knocked another time, the door slid back. He blinked and push the door open, wondering if the door hadn't been locked in the first place.

He poked his head indoor. "Bon?"

Silence.

The man stepped inside the house and was astonished to see all the mess. It looked completely different from the last time he was here. And he knew it, because the last time he was here, the boy's partner was still alive…

Watari avoided the mess, and made his way to the bedroom, expecting to see the boy asleep there. However, he was met with nothing but a mess. The only thing noticeable was a black box. Watari had worked around these sorts of things when he had been alive, and every time he looked at the case it gave him a feeling of dread. Face paling, he snatched the phone from his pocket quickly, pressing several buttons.

"Tatsumi! It's bon, I think he's in trouble!"

Pain. Suffering. Hurt.

Hisoka did his best to control his empathy, blocking other people's thoughts out of him. The people in this place were sick, and they can't stop thinking how long and how much more pain they have to suffer.

It almost ate him alive.

Then again, it brought him to another memory of his partner.

----- 'It's not actually that bad, Hisoka.' Tsuzuki spoke enthusiastically while supporting the staggering boy with his arms. They were on the case in which Hisoka cannot avoid the hospital to make an investigation.

The tired boy glared up at him. 'Huh? I don't suppose you would say that. Weren't you…' He paused, thinking over if he should speak of Tsusuki's past, but those purple eyes always expect him to say something, even to call him a baka. 'Weren't you in the hospital for…how long was it…' He turned away, regretting he said that. Maybe it's not right. So he changed it to his story instead. 'I was dying in a hospital too.'

'I know. It's not only your pain that you have to bear; it's the others as well. I know how bad it was.'

"Most of the time, I don't even know. Was it my pain I'm bearing, or the other." Then he turned back to looked at Tsuzuki. "Then I don't understand why you would say it's not that bad."

"Because hospital is not a place to get sick."

"Huh?"

"It's a place to get well, Hisoka." He smiled.

Hisoka seems to be quiet for a while to digest this, but he glared. "But, how…"

I never got better, it's only worsened, and so are you.

Tsuzuki gestured Hisoka to look over one of the section in the hall. A woman holding a baby, a man close beside her, their faces merry. "See how happy they are? This is the place where the parents held happiness with their first born.

But mine…they were not happy. They might as well wished I was never born.

Tsuzuki realized he might have said something wrong when the boy became silent for a while and cursed himself. Then he began again.

"Look at those youngsters."

Hisoka peculiarly obeyed. And saw some group of youngsters supporting one of them out of the hospital. "They were so happy to have their friend get well. And I think there's a lot more. People are happy to have their loved ones back to their homes."

Hisoka just looked and listened to his partner, wondering why a man who knows so much brokeness can be this over-optimistic.By now, they were already out of the hospital. Tsuzuki took him to a nearby park and got him some water.

"Do you feel better?"

"Guess so."

"Good. That's a relief."

"Huh?"

Tsuzuki took a seat next to Hisoka. His eyes settled on the blue sky. "I was worried. Everytime when you got injured from field work and Watari shuts the door on me, because I'm not much help anyway." Tsuzuki made a face, as if he was embarrassed. Though we are shinigami, it never stops bothering my head that if something happen to you…"

Seeing that Tsuzuki cannot continue and might now be worrying over it, Hisoka spoke. "It's not gonna happen, you baka."

He smiled at the boy."I always got excited when that door opened up again." -----

His green eyes snapped open as his name was being called by the nurse.

"Kurosaki-san. This way please." Hisoka rose from his seat, his hand reached and brushed over the gun tucked tightly in the back of his jeans. He breathed deeply before he followed to where the nurse leaded.

This is it…

The door swung open as the nurse motioned the boy to step in first. Hisoka was surprised with himself that he didn't wait any longer but immediately stepped inside the room. His green eyes look around briefly and finally set on something siverly. A back of a man with silver hair and dressed entirely in white. He had been arranging his files with his back turned to the patient, and seemed to be unaware of the other's presence.

Hisoka calmed himself. This is what always happened to him after that fateful night. This man forever would ignored him, always claiming the boy was insolent and such a little prick that gets in his way.

The nurse was about to call the doctor but the boy motioned with his hand to stop her. Hisoka turned to the doctor who seemed to continue arranging his files in that cabinet.

"Dr. Muraki. Shouldn't you be aware that your patient has arrived?" The boy spoke dryly.

For a few moments of silence, the silvery head tilt upward slightly and remain motionless as if the person was lost in thought. Then he turned, glancing from the corner of his eyes.

"So it is really you, Bouya." His lips curled into a smile.

Upon seeing that face, Hisoka felt like strangling him alive. But, first thing first, he reminded himself harshly. "Nurse, could you please leave us? I have some personal matter." The nurse turned to the doctor. When the doctor nodded his head in approve, she simply left.

After the door was closed. Both men stay awhile in silence until the doctor starts talking.

"Why don't you come and sit then we'll figure what was wrong with your illness, so I can pack some medicine for you?" Muraki smiled, almost sweetly as the kind doctor will do to the sick patient of his. When Hisoka didn't seem to reply, he added. "You have black circles around you eyes, haven't you gotten any sleep? You look terrible."

"Why did you let me in so easily? You don't remember my name, isn't it?"

"Just the same old you, you let your curiosity get you again. What did you come here for? To kill me? And just to remind you. I remembered your name, he called you all the time. I just thought that you are not this stupid to come to see me all by yourself."

If it was any other time, Hisoka would be boiling with rage by now, somehow, this time it's different. He just stood there, his eyes cold as ice.

"That answered the question…" Pale hand reached behind his back and pulled the gun he'd been carrying there for a while. Hisoka held his gun before him, aiming it at Muraki's direction.

note: still getting no where, isn't it? well, maybe i have too much flashback but i really love writing about TsuHi.