Chapter 4: Dixie Voom's Story

Constance Allslop had been born the daughter of a fish-monger who resided down Cockbill Street. But even as a young girl it was obvious that she was made for better things than fish guts could offer. She had one of those bodies that make men of all ages turn around in the street to watch her go past. Her family thought she might join the Seamstresses Guild but Constance scoffed at the idea.

Seamstressing was nothing. She didn't want to sell her body for a few pence a day. So she set upon an idea. If she wouldn't sell herself then she could at least showcase herself. Exotic dancing was one of those trades which suffered in Ankh-Morpok because it did not have a guild of its own. As such, those involved in it did not have the benefits or securities that Guild life offered. But this was the profession that Constance chose for herself.

She changed her name to the snappier sounding Dixie Voom and got a job dancing a joint called the Alley Cat in the Shades. It wasn't a great job but it paid and she didn't have to snuggle up to the really gross punters if she didn't want to. But that wasn't enough for a lot of the girls she worked with.

The day Jolly Bon-bon handed in her notice and announced she was becoming a seamstress it was like a door had suddenly been opened and the other girls soon followed. Within a month the only Alley Cat girls left were Dixie, Baby and Lola1. That was when Dixie had the idea.

She hid in the shadows on one side of Cockbill Street and waited. It was half-past ten so anytime soon… ah. Here was what she was waiting for.

"Evenin' Mildred," she cheered happily, slipping out if the shadows and putting her arm through that of the other girl.

You wouldn't know it to look at them but Mildred Easy and Dixie were the same age. They had grown up together but Mildred was nowhere near as glamorous as her childhood friend. She was trudging along the street in a thick overcoat and sensible shoes. She jumped when Dixie appeared but smiled when she recognised her, falling into step with her.

"Oh, hello Constance," said Mildred. Dixie didn't correct her; to the people of Cockbill Street she would always be Constance.

"How's your mam these days?"

"She's alright. How about you?"

"Oh not bad, you know how things are. You still workin' up at the Palace?"

Dixie's voice was casual but she could barely contain a whoop of delight when Mildred nodded cheerfully.

"Yes. It's a good job," she broke off and looked at her friend with pity and worry. "Constance you don't need a job do you?"

Dixie laughed and shook her head.

"No you silly thing, I don't need a job. What I do need though is a meeting with your boss."

They had stopped in the middle of the street and Mildred looked up at the taller girl in mild confusion."

"You want to see the housekeeper?"

"No Mildred," Dixie kept her patience, "I need to see the Patrician."

Mildred went a little pale and laughed nervously.

"Well, I can't get you an appointment with him. The Patrician doesn't take appointments from the girl who dusts the lower west passage."

"No but you know his clerk Mr Drumknott don't you?" her voice was persuasive.

"Yes."

"Well I'm sure that if you had a quiet word with him, and explained that a very dear old friend of yours wanted to see the Patrician desperately on a political matter of life or death, that he would be able to wangle a few minutes for me, don't you?"

Mildred seemed to think about this for a while.

"Mr Drumknott is a very nice man," she murmured softly.

"There you are then," Dixie was triumphant. "Have a word with him, please Milly. I'll love you forever and ever if you do."

Mildred nodded slowly and Dixie hugged her. She watched as Mildred sloped off towards her little house near the end of the street. Poor old Milly, she was always such a soft touch.

Dixie had everything carefully planned and when she was shown into the Oblong Office she exuded an air of quiet confidence.

"Please sit down Miss Allslop," he said without looking up and Dixie cursed that she had used Mildred as a messenger.

"Actually it's Miss Voom sir," she said clearly. "Miss Dixie Voom."

This time he looked up and raised one thin black eyebrow at her.

"Indeed? I understood it from Miss Easy that I was to talk to her friend, a Miss Constance Allslop."

"Yes sir, but I prefer Dixie Voom. It is my professional name."

The eyebrow went higher, if that were possible.

"And what profession would that be Miss Al… Miss Voom?"

Dixie took a deep breath.

"Exotic dancer sir."

She had expected some kind of reaction from that but there was none, he simply nodded and, leaning back in his chair, steepled his long fingers beneath his chin.

"I see. And what is you wish to speak to me about?"

"Well sir, the problem is that being an exotic dancer isn't quite the safest of professions, or the best paid. Some of the girls have had to change jobs…"

"Yes," he cut in and tapped one of the many sheets of paper which covered his desk like some mad, white and cream patchwork. "I have a report here from Mrs Palm of the Seamstresses Guild saying that an increasing number of her new members are refugees of your trade."

So he did know who she was, the pretence annoyed her so she shifted position in her chair, leaning forward slightly, showing off her low-cut dress.

"Exactly sir. Of course not all of us wish to take on that particular profession. So we were wondering if it would be possible to form a guild of our own."

"A Guild of Exotic Dancers?"

"Yes sir."

There was silence for a long time while the Patrician seemed to consider this. He stared at her quite blankly for several minutes until Dixie began to feel rather uncomfortable. Eventually he blinked slowly and turned back to the papers on his desk.

"I don't think so Miss Voom. I rather think it would be simpler to ask Mrs Palm to create a sub-section of her Guild. She is a very accommodating woman, I am sure you will find the arrangement quite sufficient."

Dixie stood and thumped on the desk with her fist in her anger.

"It is not sufficient!" she shouted and hastily removed her fist when he glanced at her hand. "Sir," she added. "I'm afraid it's our own Guild or nothing."

"Then I'm afraid you will get nothing Miss Voom."

Dixie cast around the room in despair, when her eyes lit on something in the corner and she smiled. She smiled sweetly down at him.

"Do you play chess at all sir?" she asked.

Vetinari looked up at her oddly for a moment before he nodded.

"Yes, why?"

"Do you have time for a game just now?"

He raised his eyebrow again but she simpered slightly. He looked at a small piece of paper in front of him before rising.

"I suppose I have a little time Miss Voom."

She clapped her hands happily. "Wonderful. Do you ever bet on the outcome of a game at all?"

"One does not usually bet on chess Miss Voom."

She nodded. "True, however I feel a small stake is in order this afternoon."

"No doubt you are about to suggest that if you win I must create your guild?"

"Exactly."

"And what if you lose Miss Voom?"

Dixie had thought about this since she had come upon the plan. She waggled her hips suggestively and smiled gently at him.

"I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement my lord."

"Hm," was all he said before sitting down at the chess table.

Dixie was good at chess. Her father had learned from a wizard he knew as a boy and he had taught his daughter all the rules and how to break them without your opponent noticing2. However cheating against the Patrician was difficult.

He did not point out that she was cheating and he did not cheat himself but he simply seemed to easily counter all of her most devious moves. Dixie had to start using her brain in ways she had never thought actually existed. But eventually she was able to position her bishop just right.

"Check-mate!" she practically shouted.

Vetinari considered the board very carefully before nodding.

"Well done Miss Voom, a most interesting game if I may say. Drumknott."

The last was said a little louder and his lordship's clerk appeared in the doorway carrying a little brown folder.

"The papers you requested sir," he said, handing it to Vetinari.

The Patrician opened the folder and looked over the papers before handing them to Dixie.

"Your guild papers Miss Voom."

She stared at him in surprise.

"But you said I couldn't…"

"Indeed I did, but then you won a most excellent game of chess and so you get your wish."

Dixie thought over the game in her mind. How well he had played but how easily she had managed to slip her bishop up to the king. His mind had seemed to be elsewhere on the board and she'd just assumed…

"You fixed it," she said.

"I?"

"You let me win."

"Perhaps," he said.

"What would you have done if I hadn't suggested the game?"

"Oh, you would have come up with something else Miss Voom, you are a very resourceful young lady."

"You were going to let us have the Guild all along!"

He smiled thinly.

"Not at all. I am not in the habit of giving things to those who do not deserve them. I wanted to see how far you would press the matter."

Dixie looked down at the Guild papers carefully. They were made out in her name; Dixie Voom. He'd known all along, the cunning …

Dixie laughed.

"I do hope your new Guild does well Miss Voom," said Vetinari, rising and returning to his desk. "I look forward to your opening ceremony. It should be quite an evening."

"You want to come?" she spluttered.

"As the leader of the city I am expected to attend all new Guild opening ceremonies."

Dixie thought about that. She thought about Mrs Palm and the Seamstresses; now that must have been an interesting evening.

"There'll be an invitation in the post sir," she said cheerfully and she left the Oblong Office.

1 Because there is always a club entertainer called Lola, it's one of the odder laws of the universe. The same practically goes for Baby; one or other of them is also usually a man, also according to the law of the universe.

2 It is actually very difficult to cheat at chess, nearly impossible in fact but we did say her father learnt from a wizard and those bastards can cheat at anything.