That night Jayne sat at the table in the mess, a fresh (and massive, honest to god, thing musta been two gallons!) bottle of Kaylee's engine brew in front of him. Stuff coulda been battery acid for how it felt going down. And Jayne was lookin' forward to chasin' away them thoughts about River he'd been so intent on earlier.

He knew he wanted her, duh, what red blooded male wouldn't? But he'd seen her get that damn hair cut and watched her face light up at the end result. And he got real uncomfortable all've a sudden. She was being normal, a person. And a bit of trim was one thing, feelin'… feelin's towards that girl was right outta the gorram question. But…. try as he might, once he'd seen her as a real person, he couldn't go back to seein' her all crazy-like. It was hard 'nough with her still lookin' like she did when she came on the ship, long hair, and burlap sack of a dress. Now, with that gorram new hair cut and Kaylee's surprise gift of new clothing he had yet to see, he was lookin' at her in this whole new… and kinda creepyfying (to him) way. So he was gettin' ready to blur his vision and hope that helped.

Though, it was gonna take a whole lot to get the vision of his cowgirl outta his head. COWGIRL? Stop, just stop! He begged himself.

Jayne reached for the bottle irritably. He felt like a ruttin' idiot, really he didn't even like her! He hated her! He tried to sell her back to the Feds! Well, a little voice piped up, you would never do that now. Bee jway! He told his brain, she's still … kinda feng le. But she was talking all normal-like in the store… was pretty hott. Jayne slammed his eyes shut and forced himself to calm down, he was gonna drive himself loopier than Cowgirl at this rate. He groaned and resolved to open the bottle immediately. Before he could even move to crack the lid; Mal, Zoe and Wash strolled in.

"You gonna pop that open?" Mal questioned.

"Yup, you wanna piece of the action?" Normally Jayne Cobb did not even think about sharing alcohol, especially with untouchable cowgirls in leather shimmying around inside his head, but seriously, the gorram bottle was huge.

Mal nodded and went to get some glasses. "Zoe? Wash? You feelin' like a drink?" Zoe shrugged in indecision, then looked to Wash for an answer.

"What do you think, husband?"

He frowned a little bit in thought. "Drinking just for the sake of drinking? What's the point?"

Jayne looked at him like he was pretty much the dumbest person ever to be born. "To get drunk. Duh?" He said.

Wash rolled his eyes. "Not always appealing, you know, to those of us with higher brain functions."

Jayne chuckled fakely. "Cap'n, the little man's talkin' 'bout being higher, we should tell him why that's ridiculous-like."

"Girls, girls! Ya're both pretty in the red dress!" Mal said mockingly, but added in a warning tone, simultaneously turning around with glasses in hand. "And I thought I done had a talk with you two about compromisation."

Wash's face lit up. "How about a game? A drinking game!"

Mal grinned. "Not that's my kind of compromise! The kind that requires shot glasses!" He quickly turned back around to find some. "How many? Four?"

"Yup." Zoe and Wash answered in unison.

Jayne had a brief moment to wonder how easy it was gonna be to stop thinkin' on his cowgirl when there were other people around. Two seconds later said cowgirl came stumbling into the mess. Shun-sheng duh gao-wahn! What was that contraption on her legs? Looked an awful lot like a skirt but it was so short! And red! Why did she have to look so good in red? He was beginnin' to think she was wrong, SHE looked better in red. And when did she get the right to wear t-shirts the fit her right? He was always a sucker for a woman in black, it was like Kaylee knew. Good gorramitt, Kaylee, the engine brew better be ruttin' GOOD. He was SO humped. Ai ya, what was he gonna do with himself around all that tousled curly hair? It only hit just past her shoulders now and suddenly his fingers were itching to curl up in it.

Then he noticed she didn't look like she was feelin' too swell. Her eyes were screwed shut and an expression of horror on her face. "River, sweetie? Are you alright?" Zoe questioned cautiously, her eyes darting to Mal, who seemed to not really have noticed.

"No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No." She answered in a pained voice. Jayne watched his cowgirl carefully. If she was havin' one of them episodes, maybe he could see her as crazy again and his problems would be solved.

"What's wrong, honey?" Zoe asked, leaving Wash's side to put an arm around the girl.

River shuddered. "Simon and Kaylee…"

Mal had since abandoned his search for shot glasses and turned to face her. "They in trouble, little witch?" She finally opened her eyes to look at the group in front of her.

"No… they're not. They're… I don't really want to talk about it."

The rest of the group looked confused. A thought occurred to the merc and he threw his head back in laughter. "Saw 'em at it, didn'tcha?" River made a face of disgust and nodded.

"First time?"

River shook her head. "Once before. But not… on top of the engine… with sound effects."

"Better make that five shot glasses Cap'n." Wash said, looking at River with intense sympathy. Mal didn't rush in getting the glasses.

Instead he looked at Wash. "You don't think she's a bit young?"

"When did you start drinking?"

Mal avoided the question by replying, "Fair point. Still, if'n Doc finds out…"

"Docs the cause of it, he doesn't really have any jurisdiction, now does he?" Zoe said. Mal was still a tad reluctant. Jayne didn't know why, but he felt compelled to stick up for, maybe make her feel included like she was talkin' 'bout earlier in the shop. And even though he knew how hard it would be to forget about her with her right there, with her hair all tousled up and smellin' nice, he spoke up anyway.

"Cap, you ever catch a sibling going at it?"

Mal got a look of far away misery in his eyes. "So, you wanna join us, River?" She smiled at him brightly.

"Thank you, Captain, I would like that." Mal nodded and fished out a fifth shot glass. The four not already sitting took their seats at the table. Jayne suppressed a grin when River sat next to him. Zoe, Wash and Mal sat on the other side of the table.

"So, what game we gonna play?" Jayne asked the group as he popped the cork outta the bottle.

"Game?" River asked.

"Yeah, drinkin' game. Wash here's too classy to just get drunk for the sake of it." Jayne said. Wash took it as a compliment and mockingly preened himself. Zoe chuckled.

"Beer Bomb?" Wash offered.

"We don't got no ping pong balls." Mal said, a bit sadly.

"Century Club?" Zoe suggested.

"No stop watch." Jayne pointed out.

"Russian Feel Good?" Mal said.

"That's a game too?" Jayne said, wide eyed.

Mal laughed loudly. "I conjure you're think' of Russian Feel Down."

Zoe and Wash snorted in unison. "Imagine, though…" Wash said, a bit dreasmily.

"Everyone know 'Never Have I Ever'?" The four oldest there nodded.

"How do you play?" River asked.

Jayne took it upon himself to explain, cuz it made him feel all manly to be able to explain something to the girl genius. "We all take turns, you see. One person says somethin' they aint never done, and anybody who has takes a shot. Ya loose if'n ya pass out and the last person conscious wins. So, the strategy is to say stuff you know other people have done." River nodded.

Mal poured the shots and the game began. Wash started. "Never have I ever… dyed my hair."

Mal shrugged and took a shot. He almost spit it back out but forced himself to swallow. "Ruttin' hell, that's some strong stuff!"

Jayne looked at him oddly. "Mal, when the hell'd you dye your hair?" he asked.

"Had to for this one job. Was a platinum blonde for months after that." River giggled. Mal filled up his glass again and looked to Zoe. She thought about it for a second before speaking up.

"Never have I ever gotten married by accident."

Mal threw her a look. "Hey now, the object is to get out as many people as possible. Not just me."

Zoe smirked. "You know perfectly well it's best to take out one drinker at a time." Mal rolled his eyes and took another shot, then filled his glass up again. The captain considered for a moment.

"Never have I ever kissed Zoe."

Wash and Jayne took a shot. Mal looked appalled. "Wait, wait, wait! When did YOU kiss my first mate?" Jayne was midly recovering from that toxin Kaylee called alcohol.

"When I first got here. Punched me gorram hard, she did."

Wash laughed. "I remember that." Jayne filled his and Wash's glasses back up.

"Never have I ever…" Jayne started, thinking a bit. "hugged Mal."

"Damn straight you haven't." Mal responded.

"Has anyone?" Zoe questioned.

"Hey!"

"Anyone here." She corrected herself.

River shrugged. "Once or twice."

"It counts." Wash said. She looked nervously at the glass in front of her but steeled herself and took a shot. She started coughing and spluttering immediately. Jayne laughed good naturedly and patted her back gently.

"First drink?" he asked.

River nodded, face still scrunched up. "Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng! That's repugnant!" Jayne thought her cussin' was real cute but mentally told himself to shut up.

"Your turn, little witch." Mal said, laughing a bit.

She nodded and her face smoothed out as she thought. "Never have I ever worn leather." Everyone else at the table took a shot. Though Zoe shot a confused look at her husband.

He grinned. "You remember that time on Paquin, it was your leather." Zoe frowned then suddenly burst out laughing.

"Ah. THAT time on Paquin."

The game continued on like that for a while. The questions sort of mundane, with Wash and Zoe targeting Mal and Mal targeting them right back. A half hour later Mal was trashed beyond even his normal amount but still conscious. Zoe was firmly buzzed and Wash was almost out of the game. Jayne could hold his liquor quite well and didn't even feel that drunk, but it was worth it to see the captain and pilot so out of it. That was some gorram funny stuff. River had had maybe three drinks total because all the stuff being tossed around didn't really apply to her, she was pretty innocent as far as everything went. The merc concluded the goofy smile on her face and consistent giggling was mostly because she felt like she really was crew, like she really belonged. Then something came out of Zoe's mouth he'd never expected.

"Never have I ever masturbated." Everybody but her took a shot. Including River.

Jayne looked at her wide eyed. "Really?" he asked.

She grinned at him in a borderline sexy way that made Jayne almost drool. "You don't believe it?" Suddenly he did. And a slow grin spread across his face.

"Oh, I believe it." He could have sworn she blushed a bit.

And that's when Mal passed out. He just fell right over. Knocked clean out on the floor of the mess. Four seconds later Wash suddenly turned his head and threw up all over him. Mal twitched and rubbed his face, smearing vomit all over his cheek, then passed out again.

Jayne completely lost it. He laughed so hard he actually cried and his stomach ached. River desperately tried not to pee in her pants she was laughing so hard. Zoe looked as though she wasn't aware she was laughing. She was just so stunned that that had actually happened. "I think… that maybe… it's time to take my husband to our room." She said through bouts of incredibly un-Zoe like giggles.

"You just gonna leave our beloved captain all passed out and puked on?" Jayne said, still laughing uncontrollably.

Zoe shrugged. "I don't really know what to do."

Jayne adopted a look of mock seriousness. "Well, whatever you do… not it!" He said quickly, jumping up and grabbing two shot glasses and the alcohol before running out of the mess and all the way up to the bridge. He was followed by a giggling River. Their shouts of laughter echoed all through the ship. They reached the cockpit and she plopped down into the pilot's chair and he in the co-pilot's.

"That wasn't very nice." She said, still smiling.

He smirked. "I'm not exactly known for bein' a nice man, moony." He said, but it felt like an endearment passed his lips instead of a slight. She smiled at him again, and he was havin' a mite of trouble thinkin' when she was bein' all pretty and smiley at him. "Should… we… um, should we finish?"

Her smile changed then, from happy to sultry. "Should we finish… what?" Why'd she have to go and find a way to say 'what' all sensual and dirty like? That weren't right. Or fair.

"The game?" he asked, not even really sure what the alternative was. River smiled at him, but there was something different about it. A flicker in her eyes that he only barely caught, somethin' like… what, disappointment?

And he was all too confident suddenly, he knew exactly what she wanted. Real question was, could he give it to her? Well, he smirked internally, he knew ruttin' well he could give it to her. And good, so good she'd be coming back for more. But could he give it to her without gettin' caught, and was it worth the risk? Those gorram shorts popped back into his head and he knew, just knew that it well worth the risk.

"But then again, now that I think on it, yer pretty tired of games, aint'cha Cowgirl? Least ones don't include you much?" River bit her lip and giggled, gorram but it was cute.

"Cowgirl?"

"Ruttin' shorts of yours, little one. Bound to make an impact on any man that encounters 'em." That drew a laugh form her and he grinned.

Now he knew that he grinned a lot, but if he was tellin' the truth, what he automatically did was the watered down version of his full out grin. Because the Cobb man grin was not something he threw out all willy nilly. It was a very powerful move. It's how his Pa snagged his Ma. It was a sure fire way to melt the socks off any girl. Sure enough, her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open a fraction, her cheeks colored pink instead of creamy white. "I am tired of games, Jayne. Your deduction was accurate. How will we fix this problem?"

Jayne took about four seconds to note that she'd said "I" before he took her hand and hauled her into his lap, so she was on her knees, straddling him. And they was right at eye level. "We stop playin' around, Cowgirl."

Her eyes darkened almost instantly and she pressed her mouth to his boldly. The girl was just full of surprises because, for a reason unbeknownst to Jayne, he kissed her back. Good and proper like he was the kind of man who did kiss on the mouth. A series of hot wet kisses left Jayne's head spinning and he didn't even realizes at first that he'd slipped his tongue out to play along the seal of her lips, coaxing them open with a small gasp of pleasure from River.

From that moment on it was as if he was hyper-aware of her. He noticed that she tasted mildly of alcohol and mostly like crème, delicious and rich, better than any he'd ever had. The sensation was amazing. Like an ice planet licking you back. Jayne was ruttin' thankful he was sittin' down cuz he knew full well his knees were shakin'. He didn't feel like too much of a sissy about it, River was a hair's breath away from falling apart.

Her hands were everywhere and she kept makin' these tiny, helpless little sounds and squirming about in his lap. Jayne felt like he'd died and gone to heaven. He joyfully slid a hand up her thigh to stroke just under her skirt. She moaned and it was like the sound went straight to his cock. He broke the kiss and growled against her mouth. Using his grip on her thigh he roughly tugged her right up onto his groin and ground her down onto his hardness. The sensation threw her head back in pleasure.

"Feel that Cowgirl?" She nodded, panting heavily. "This what you want?" She looked him right in the eye, her own brown orbs looking like they were filled with brown fire.

"Yes. Yes, but not now."

It felt like something inside Jayne's chest plummeted down to his feet. He felt pretty much like an asshole. She was clearly a virgin, so why did he let his cock tell him what to do and practically attack her. "Cowgirl, I'm so sor---" Her fingers on his lips cut him off.

"Not now, because Zoe and Wash will be here very soon. If that were not the case, believe me, I wouldn't stop you."

He chuckled and licked gently at her fingers still resting on his lips. "You willin' to do this again, River?" He felt her shiver against him in reaction the way he nipped her finger when he pronounced the last R of her name.

She leaned to whisper in his ear. Her voice was so breathy and sexy that he felt himself harden further. "Name the time and place, my Jayne." She bit his ear lobe when she said the N in his name. His hips twitched involuntarily under her and she whimpered a bit. He gripped her hips tightly and tried to slow his own breathing.

"Are you two MAKING OUT?" Jayne heard Wash exclaim, rather loudly.

The couple in the chair whipped about to face him. He was propped up next to Zoe who was looking quite shocked.

"Ew." He said, "I hope that's just me being drunk haluncinating."

Zoe nodded. "Yes husband, must be." Wash stumbled down the ladder and Zoe followed.

Jayne turned to glance at River. She frowned in thought, then smiled. "Neither will remember that they saw us tomorrow." Jayne heaved a sigh of relief and his head fell forward onto her shoulder.

"That was close, Cowgirl." He felt her nod in agreement. "I don' think people would react all that good if'n they saw us kissin' on each other and did remember."

"You mean captain daddy and Simon would not react well."

"Yeah, them."

"We can hide it from them." His eyes shot up to meet hers, and she was smiling. He couldn't help smiling back.

"Sounds like a plan, Cowgirl."

Her smile broadened. "Do you know what else sounds like a plan?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow, 7:00, the weight lifting bench."

"That does have a distinctly plan-like aura to it. What'cha got in mind for when we meet up, Cowgirl?" He said, waggling his eyebrows and wrapping his arms around her back, pulling her close to him, flush with his chest.

"I have to practice me dance routine. Someone once told me practice makes perfect." Jayne laughed.

"Very intelligible of that person."

River nodded. "Very intelligible." She replied. Then kissed him once more.