Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine. This is. And all these boring disclaimer things shall apply for all works in this collection.
Notes:
I wrote this while I was listening to a song too, just as I did for Chapter 1, and to the same singer too! The content follows more or less to the meanings of the lyrics actually, but this isn't a songfic, well, since the song isn't even in English. For optimum conditions, read this listening to a slow song, tempo about 60 should be good, as I wrote it under such conditions!
Somehow I decided this "Shades of Grey" shall be my collection for contentless (invented word appears once again) and stand alone writings. (That's why I write "- END -" for the chapters in this collection, rather than my usual "- YL -" like for my other multichaptered stories)
So please Read and ENJOY!
Forgetting
Standing in that crowd with the joyous faces, the light-hearted goodbyes and the heartfelt wishes, I have never before felt more alone. Because standing in that crowd, you were smiling at me too. How could you look at me with such warm eyes and smile at me with such a blissful look, like you didn't know? But I smiled back, knowing that I have lost you, knowing that I have lost this brief happiness that I have found in you.
The beautiful colors that you showed me, shall once again fade into a painful black and white, because now I know; you are leaving me.
That day, as I watched your lips moved, forming those cruel words, time seemed to slow down to a never-ending loop and I just wanted to be deaf, to just for a moment, cover up my ears and not listen to the things you were saying. But I knew that right then, right there, as everything started to lose their colors, I had to let you go, because you had chosen to let me go.
I do not understand why, I cannot understand why, I do not want to understand why you could just walk away from me like this, never giving the real reason for leaving me behind.
Perhaps I have not shown enough, have not said enough and have not done enough?
Is that why you could just walk away, leave me and let me go?
Without as much as a second glance?
I do not understand, I cannot understand, though I pretend that I do. Perhaps, I do not want to understand.
If I could just pretend to forget, to put myself under a spell, perhaps it would hurt a little less. Each night, over and over again, my thoughts revolved around the things you did, the things I did, the things we did… and the things that didn't. And each night, over and over again, I lay sleepless in my bed, lonesome. In this room, where once again I sleep in solitude, I know that I will no longer see you, no longer hear you, no longer smell you; it feels so cold, nearly forlorn. For years I have slept alone, so how could you, in just a few mere weeks, have changed my nights so irreversibly? I want to forget, to forget your face, to forget your sound, to forget your scent, because I understand, I can no longer return to that beautiful past that I have once shared with you.
I'll keep moving, I'll keep trying, I'll keep living, in hope that another happiness will just be waiting for me around the corner. But I know that I'll never find another equivalent happiness, another equivalent you, another equivalent us. Never again will I hear the familiar beep of your phone; never again will I run along the streets with you reassuringly by my side; never again will I have your strength to hold me when I fall. Never again.
And now the streets have grown so silent, so empty, so desolate.
In this isolated street, I stand, all by myself, wanting to forget these memories, wanting to get used to not having you, wanting to find a new kind of happiness. And more than anything else, wanting the unrelenting rain to wash all these tiring emotions away. Because everything between you and me had fallen apart, died and ended, when you abandoned me.
I did not speak, I could not speak, I did not want to speak, because I was so afraid, so afraid that even if I had spoken, you would not have heard me and in the end, nothing would have changed.
Maybe I should have said something, anything, but what was I to say?
I could not find the words then.
And I still cannot find the words now.
So I can only hide my anger, my sorrow and my pain, behind this mask, that was brought down by you, but ironically, brought up once again, also by you.
If I could just pretend to forget, to put myself under a spell and perhaps to grow a little smarter, then I would not, each night, over and over again, lay sleepless in my bed, lonesome. In this world that I no longer share with you, I will no longer see eternity, no longer glimpse that flitting sense of everlastingness that you have shown me with your gentle smile, tender touch and loving eyes. I've lost all that, because you have said goodbye, because you have deserted me, because you are now at a place I cannot reach, cannot see and cannot be. If I close my eyes now, pretend to forget and put myself under a spell, will I, one day, really learn to forget?
To forget the memories, to forget the feelings, to forget…
…you?
- END –
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