Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.
I didn't know Nicole was so afraid of bees.
It's her fear landscape we're watching right now, and she's pretty much gone insane. She frantically bats at the nothingness around her with her hands, screaming, shaking her own head like a dog getting its fur dry.
The tension is so thick, you couldn't cut through it with a meat cleaver. The apprehensive looks from the faces in the crowd turn to anxious whispers, which then join in a chorus of general distress. I fear what'll happen when the sound reaches the ears of Amar, or those of Lauren. But they're both too focused on the Dauntless-born initiate going through her landscape.
She's moving around inside the room with the glass walls, but even with the instructors blocking the view, I can see that she's reaching her limit. Her legs are gonna give out if she doesn't sit or crouch down. Both her eyes are filled with tears, but she still won't be let out until her heart slows down.
After a torturous four minutes, her back hits the ground. She continues twitching where she lies, but gradually, her heart rate falls. It isn't like she's calming, though. More like she's dying and her body's accepting it. Either way, the program will free her soon.
When this last fear's out of the way, the program terminates. Amar opens the door, releasing the poor scared girl. She stands, looking like years were taken off her lifespan, and limps out of the room.
"Great work, Nicole," says Amar loudly, though I wouldn't bet on him believing what he's saying. "Your final fear count is thirteen."
Nicole doesn't respond. She shuffles over to where she was originally, with her Dauntless-born friends. Amar makes a pathetic show of patting her on the back, then he starts to reach out toward me. Maybe inviting me to go next. I don't even make eye contact, though. I keep looking away, till he decides to pick on somebody else.
Sean, one of the transfers from Candor, eyes me. "Why'd you do that to him?"
Not wanting my disgust to be visible, I lean in close to the boy and whisper next to his ear. "Yesterday," I tell him, indicating Amar, "I heard him say he has a bit of a crush on me."
Sean slaps his hand over his mouth. "What the actual…"
"Abnegation! Candor!" Amar looks at us threateningly, then he pretends to zip his mouth closed with one finger. Telling us we'd better shut it. We do, though I'm itching to tell Sean more.
Amar could end up in hot water with the Dauntless leaders, should the word go around about this. The Dauntless have many taboos, and what they call "effeminate" behavior in males is one of them. I know better, having spent time with mentors from Amity, where they see men getting married to other men all the time, and it's not at all controversial. I can say that it's not the perversion it's made out to be by the Abnegation and Dauntless, and many of the Erudite. But I can't convince the Dauntless leadership of this.
That's why I'm not going to go to Max and incriminate Amar. I know how unfairly severe the Dauntless penalty is for "effeminate" behavior. Some have even been made factionless for it. Sean's from a faction that disagrees with this line of thinking, so he knows this, too. Neither of us are telling on Amar.
Yet I'm disgusted, not because of Amar's attraction to me, but because he let it be known. He's my instructor, the person who's supposed to mentor his initiates, not form romantic attachments to them. If I were in Abnegation and it was discovered that the council member supervising me was trying to have an affair with me, he'd get thrown in prison immediately.
Best to steer clear of my instructor till his feelings die down. Amar turns away from me and points to one of the other transfers. "Eric," he says, "you're next in line."
My former best friend looks like he'd rather be forced to hang by his fingertips over the chasm. He stands there lethargically until Amar calls again. "Come now," says our instructor. "You can do it."
Eric's expression sours. But he approaches Amar, who's already readying a syringe. Amar gives Eric the jab, then he leads him toward the next room, the place where Nicole went up against the bees, and lost. When Eric's behind the glass, Amar puts on the electrodes that come with the simulation machine. He activates the program using the computer, and the simulation flares to life once more.
Eric has a shotgun in his hand. He's prepared to shoot, and if he has to, he won't hesitate.
The previous night, before he'd let himself go to sleep, he spent an hour sifting through strategy after strategy in his mind, working through each one to figure out which would help him beat this newly acquired fear, Lora's fear of abuse in a relationship. What he realized was, the thing that had triggered him was the Mia-creature, the tangible reminder of his dead girlfriend. His number one priority should be to kill that thing before it can kill his sanity. And what's the only surefire way of fighting back against something that wants you dead? Using violence.
Eric's holding the shotgun at shoulder height, brandishing it in front of him. At this point he's still surrounded by darkness, still not able to see anything more than an inch away. But he hears something big and wet skittering toward him, and he knows the Mia-creature's coming.
He's gotta act now.
All it takes is a single sighting of the creature. Eric doesn't try to fight, strategize, reason, or plan ahead. He just pulls the trigger.
The Mia-creature's fast, but not fast enough.
The ammunition's pumped out the end of the shotgun opposite Eric, and it meets the Mia-creature's face head-on. On contact, the walking corpse's head simply vaporizes, replaced by millions of microscopic red chunks drizzling on the ground.
On his lips, Eric tastes blood that isn't his own. It puts a smile on his face.
And then he's released from the fear landscape.
Eric finds himself back in the prismy room. He rubs his eyes and massages the kinks in his neck and shoulders. Somehow he managed to count all his fears as he was facing them, and the final tally came in at twelve, including the last obstacle. Not inspirational by any means, but nothing that can be downplayed.
While he was facing down the other eleven fears, he test-ran a new method that ultimately worked. He stood still like a statue, pulling in one deep breath, then a second, then a third. In between the breaths, he'd scream into his teeth and let the simulation think he'd been brought to his knees. Then he'd rebound, emotionally and physically, relaxing his muscles and putting more air in his lungs, reminding his own brain that none of what he was looking at was real.
Maintaining the focus on his own breaths, and not what he was being made to see, helped his heart to slow every time. Who knows, a few more run-throughs of the fear landscape and he just might master it.
The door to the prism-like room opens. Amar comes to guide Eric out. As he's leaving, he takes a look at all the Dauntless-born initiates standing outside. Usually getting them to shut up is like pulling teeth, but now all their mouths are closed. This tells Eric that his hunch is right, he's reclaimed his reputation as the transfer to watch out for. Maybe the one transfer who can pull ahead of them all.
For twenty minutes I stood and watched as Eric battled his fears, all twelve of them. He stood in one place almost the entire time, screaming into teeth clenched tight, lowering his own heart rate through willpower alone. When he finished, I thought I saw him smirk at the glass window. He's emerging from the prism-like room now, and Amar's right next to him.
"Nice. You got a lot better," Amar remarks. He grins at Eric.
A foot or so away, Lauren's scratching at her pierced eyebrow with her fingernail. She glances at Eric. "How'd his friend do?" she asks casually, jerking her thumb at me.
Amar is suddenly hesitant. He consults the computer screen, closes his eyes, shakes his head, reopens his eyes, looks at the screen again. "Well, we…" he starts. He looks like he just saw a radio signal from another planet. "We're ruling out the possibility of a system error. But our friend from Abnegation appears to have just…" He lets the pause drag on. "Four fears."
Every set of eyes in the space hangs on me, Eric's included. Lauren stops in the middle of her eyebrow-scratching, seemingly not believing what she heard. "Four? That's it?" She looks again at Amar, just to check.
Amar nods and confirms it.
The other initiates continue to stare, their tongues robbed of speech. Before they actually got to know me, I was just that Abnegation kid they could step on. Then our dynamic changed slightly and they got around to accepting me as their equal, their friend. This, though? This situation's different. I'm now someone who might just cut in front of them in the ranks. Someone even scarier than Eric.
"Jeez, kid." Lauren smiles wide and walks over to clap me good-naturedly on the back. "You're gonna become a legend."
Amar then cranks his volume way up. "Everybody listen up!" he hollers, cupping his mouth with both hands. "Who here thinks they'll rank higher than Abnegation?"
A few Dauntless-born initiates, all of them boys, dare to raise their hands. They're snickering a little, but Amar silences them with what he says next.
"Well, you guessed wrong," he declares. He gestures to me, a fatherly pride on his face. "His number of fears is less than half the average. You might think you're good, but you'll get murdered by Four here."
Four. I love it. It's a much better name than Thomas. It's the name I should've thought of that first time I sat in Amar's office, telling him what to type into the online roster. More than that, though, it's no ordinary moniker. Anytime the other initiates hear it, they'll be reminded of why I've got a number for a name. They won't be able to overlook my greatest strength.
Amar just gave me more than a new name. He gave me power.
"Dang," says Zeke. I feel his arms snare me in a hug. "I'm calling you Four from now on," he says, and some other people follow his lead, offering me high-fives.
Since I have a new name, I can officially declare myself a new person, again. I've become someone who doesn't devalue himself, ever, not to safeguard his prestige, nor to keep the waters still. Someone who responds to Erudite condescension, not with silence, but with shots of my own. Someone who'll fight. For himself.
Four. Yeah, it fits.
The day's session is already complete, but I've only just gotten started.
My thoughts are still stuck on what I heard Jeanine say, what I saw on the screen during her presentation. She's worse than a common criminal, she's a criminal in charge of the government. I've got to stop her, but I couldn't even say where I'd begin.
Eric's already ruled out as someone I can work with. Which leaves the one witness I have. Ysabelle.
I mapped it all out in my head this morning. I told myself I'd find a way to fool Lora, get her to shut the cameras off so I can sneak out and go to the factionless sector. Then, I said, I'd search the area till I found Ysabelle. The last stage of this plan? Transport Ysabelle back to the Dauntless compound with me, and keep her safely stowed away somewhere.
I know, my ideas sound stupid. They'd bring heaps of danger upon me and Ysabelle, too. But she's my only hope. She's gotta be the one to bear witness, so I'll be listened to by the authorities.
I don't yet know what I'll do, that is, after I find a refuge for Ysabelle in the compound. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I pray to God that implementing the plan won't be as hard as what I had to do today. After the session with Amar and Lauren got out, we were dismissed, and I walked all the way to the control room. I cornered Lora where she sat, then I made up some half-assed story about how I forgot something of mine in the factionless sector. Lora was about to do what I wanted, but then the worst possible thing that could've happened, happened.
Eric came up behind me and said he'd go to the factionless sector with me.
I protested. Yelled some cuss words. Started a big argument right there in the control room. In hindsight that was foolish of me, because Lora changed her mind after that. She flat out told me she wouldn't let me go unless I let Eric tag along.
Fuck! I thought. I was in the same position as a fly in a spider's web.
So I reluctantly agreed, not letting my feelings of defeat show. I just trudged back to the dorm to get my stuff prepared. Eric looked a bit too enthusiastic, and that's pretty disquieting.
Now the two of us are on the path that'll lead us into the factionless sector. I have with me a large black backpack that's crammed with supplies, including a medical kit, a blanket, and a water bottle. I didn't tell Eric, but I also made sure to pack a handgun. I remember what "E" said in her letter, that plenty of the factionless know my face and hate it.
I actually could get jumped right here in the streets, but that thought doesn't deter me. I keep walking, staying on the lookout for anywhere Ysabelle could be hiding, because like I said, she's my only hope. And I'll stop at nothing to get the evidence that's required for a conviction. I'll bring Jeanine to justice, give a tiny measure of peace to the victims, and pay "E" back for all that she gifted me. It's the very least these factionless rebels are owed, after the hell those of us in the factions put them through.
AN: So when I was reading the spinoff novel, I noticed something. There was absolutely no indication that Amar had any feelings for Tobias, even though he hinted in the third book that he'd approached Tobias with the intention of seeing his reaction. It was weird that there was no mention of this in the novel where you get to go through Tobias' initiation with him. So I decided to throw that in, of course, with a disclaimer that I absolutely DO NOT think it's okay for any teacher or mentor to show romantic interest in a student. Re-reading Divergent I have to admit, even though I completely adored FourTris, their relationship DID have problematic elements. At one point Tobias even admitted that his fixation on Tris clouded his judgment and distracted him from properly looking after the other initiates. That's not something I want to promote, especially after writing a whole section where Jeanine's called out for her predatory behavior around Eric.