I'll admit, most of this is from Dead Ringers. I won't say who did write this, for fear of murder and persecution.

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Necromantic Ringers

Harry: Ouch, Uncle Vernon, stop! You're really hurting me, and not just acting!

Vernon: Big fucking deal!

Harry: If you don't stop, I'll call Child Services on you!

Vernon: Oh, so sorry then. Tea?

-----

Harry: So you're the wise and powerful Dumbledore?

Gandalf: No, you fool, I'm Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings, the wise old wizard who guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.

Harry: Yeah, Dumbledore.

Gandalf: Frodo, please tell Harry that I'm Gandalf.

Frodo: But you're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here, the wise old wizard who leads the hero on a brave quest!

Obi-Wan: No, my young friend, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.

Harry: So you're Dumbledore.

Obi-Wan: I'm not bloody Dumbledore, I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first movie of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!

Gandalf: You've nicked that idea from me!

Frodo: Harry, Dumbledore isn't here right now because the actor who plays him is dead. Now, Dumbledore's getting a makeover so the role can be played by someone else.

Obi-Wan: Like me, they've nicked that idea too!

Gandalf: Look, it's my movie that's breaking all the box office records, not your piss-poor efforts!

Vader: Hello.

Gandalf: Oh, that's all we need, isn't it? The villain who dabbles in the Dark side of the mystic world.

Frodo: Saruman.

Obi-Wan: No, that's the evil lord who kills the father of the hero.

Harry: Voldemort.

Vader: I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just the story they tell the hero. The truth is, I'm really his father.

Harry: You're my father?

Vader: Yes, I am. Oh bugger, that's spoiled the ending of the seventh book for people, hasn't it? Anyway, Dumbledore asked me to tell you to go see him now.

Harry: Thanks, Da.

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Harry: Oh wise and kindly Dumbledore, what advice do you have for a young wizard like me?

Ozzy Osbourne: Don't have fucking kids, that's my advice. They're a fucking nightmare. When they told me I'd be surrounded by magical elves and pot plants that come to life, I thought, yeah, I'll have some of whatever they're having, you know what I mean? You never told me they'd be fer fucking real did ya? Stupid little shits.

Harry: But you said you'd show me to fly using a broomstick.

Ozzy Osbourne: Listen, son. You take a quarter of the stuff that I've had in my life, you'll be flying alright. You won't need no fucking broomstick.

Harry: Without your help Dumbledore, how will I be able to defeat the evil Lord Voldemort?

Ozzy Osbourne: You leave Voldemort to me. He think's he's the fucking Prince of Darkness? I'll show him who the real Prince of Darkness is. See the look on his face when I bite off the head of Professor Snape!

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Harry: Hello, you bitter bloody man who can't get past a grudge on a man who's long since dead and probably laughing his way through Heaven.

Snape: I'll get you, John McClane!

Harry: Isn't that Die Hard?

Snape: Oh. I'll get you, Robin Hood!

Harry: That's Robin Hood.

Snape: Third time's the charm then. I'll get you, Harry Potter!

Harry: Finally.

Ian McKellen: No you don't! For years, you've tried to steal the show from me! Now it's my turn, for I am Ian McKellen; A.K.A. Doctor Death!

Snape: This is my role! Mine!

Ian McKellen: No, it's not, Alan Rickman! You don't have the evil eyes required to stare at young Potter here!

Snape: Perhaps not, I have the extreme eyebrow arching ability, not to mention the stiff neck I need to up my nose at everyone!

Harry: Er – aren't we a little busy right now?

Ian McKellen: It's never too busy for... my miniature cannon!

Snape: Well, I don't need my wand, for I have my futuristic cannon slash laser device!

Harry: Oh, no. I know what happens next. I saw it on the telly… You're both going to die, and then Snape's going to be played by bloody Brian Blessed. Please…

Ian McKellen, shooting his miniature cannon at Snape: Ah, ha, ha, ha!

Snape, shooting his laser thingie at Ian McKellen: Heh heh heh heh!

Ian McKellen and Snape: Ahhh!

Brian Blessed: Hello, I'm Brian Blessed!

Harry: Oh, never mind.

-----

A particularly interesting blue box comes in from nowhere.

The Doctor: Oh, where the hell am I now?

Lily Potter: I don't know. Probably where the producers want you to be next, I s'pose.

The Doctor: But why did I have to come with you? Granted you're a very foxy woman, and I've got a right proper throbber under my trenchcoat, but I go for the younger, illegal ones. God, it's like I'm some sort of bloody pedophile or something.

Lily Potter: You want to go shag now, or what?

The Doctor: What?

Lily Potter: Well, it's been six months since I've left 1981, and I am a woman, with needs and all that. Plus, despite my job as the Virgin Mary of Harry Potter, I'm s'posed to be some bloody piece of skirt; I'm to have slept with all of my husband, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, that greasy bastard Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, both the Lestrange brothers, the Black sisters, Voldemort, Salazar Slytherin, my son, a few others along the way and Madam Rosmerta. What's another name on the list?

The Doctor: Maybe later. Don't forget, I'm supposed to have kids with Wonder Woman, a Dalek, and the Face of Boe, not to mention each and every one of my companions, including that 10 year old boy who supposedly smarter than Alan Rickman in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. That Adam had that stupid hole in his head I'm to have… never mind. 'sides, I'm kind of busy wondering where in God's name we are.

Lily Potter: You could just ask, you know.

The Doctor: Oh, alright. Where the devil are we?

Lily Potter: Hogwarts.

The Doctor: How can you tell?

Harry: Mum?

The Doctor: Oh. Shall we leave?

Lily Potter: We'd better. I don't know how I'm to explain this to him.

Harry: Oh, you don't have to. I've met Da already. He's Darth Vader.

The Doctor: How's that for another name on the list? Darth Vader, or Anakin Skywalker. The Second Coming himself.

Lily Potter: How's about we climb into that bed that's bigger on the inside than the out.

The Doctor: Oh, we might as well.

-----

Voldemort: Hello, Harry. Ready to die?

Harry: Oh, I suppose, Professor Quirrell slash Tom Marvolo Riddle slash the Dark Lord Voldemort slash He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-In-Fear-Of-Terrorist-Attacks.

Voldemort: Well this is no fun. I wanted a bit of sport, something like "No, I'll fight evil to the last, Tom," using my real name to encourage my hatred and anger, causing me to slip up and die completely unexpectedly.

Harry: Why bother? First, my dad's Darth Vader, second Dumbledore's too high to save me yet again, third, my mum's having a roll in the hay with the last Time Lord in existence, and fourth, J. K. Rowling already said she was going to kill me off anyway.

Voldemort: True, true. How 'bout a pint?

Harry: I thought you didn't like Muggles?

Voldemort: As if. That's just my premise to attempt to take over the world.

Harry: James Bond villains have less premise than that!

Voldemort: Yes, well. Anyway, here's to us, the abusedas-a-child, yet-stil-mortal-enemies.

Harry: Hear, hear.

A big something falls on top of Voldemort.

Brian Blessed: HELLO, I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Harry: Well that was anti-climactic.

Sirius: You're telling me.

Harry: Aren't you supposed to be in prison?

Sirius: Isn't it the third book yet?

Harry: ...no.

Sirius: Oh. Well, I'm not going back to that hellhole. I'll be at Privet Drive.