"If your heart's not in it"

Flashback
"Princess, I have bad news." Setsuna said almost in a whisper.
"Please don't tell me. I refuse to believe." I answered trying to contain my tears from falling.
"Princess, I'm sorry to say but the prince never made it to America. Just after the plane took off, they disappeared in thin air. I don't know what happened to the plane and I don't know if he is alive your highness"
"No, no, no… he is alive Pluto. I know he is, I can still feel him." I went up to her and looked her straight in the eyes. She couldn't look at me, none of them could look at me.
End of flashback
Present - At the Crown Centre

"A penny for your thoughts," Seiya said interrupting all of my thoughts. He has been there for me from the very beginning ever since I learned that my dear Mamo-chan might be dead. I owe him a lot for he has been there even if it was just to listen or cradle me to sleep after crying.
"Hi!" I answered. He sat beside me and kissed me on my cheeks.

"So, what were you thinking of?"

"Oh," I smiled, "nothing important"
"So, I noticed that next week is somebody's special day?"

"You remembered"
"Of course! So," he stopped, and stared at me, "what can I get you"
"Your friendship is all I want and need and that's all I could ever wish for." I answered. He tried to hide his expression when I said 'friendship' but I saw how angry he looked. He was staring in space quite intently and I was scared to interrupt him.
"Usagi, you know how I feel about you. It has been almost a year and I have waited patiently so why can't you give me a chance?" he said, looking back at me.
"I know Seiya. Please don't be mad. I'm trying am I not?" I said caressing his face and giving him the biggest smile I could possibly give.
"I know you are." He answered and gave me a quick peck on the lips. I wanted to cry, right there and then but I didn't want to hurt him. All I could think of was my Mamo-chan and how he used to kissed me. I wanted him so much but I know I have to let go.

The Tsukino residents – My room

I hugged my pillow tight and just let my tears fall. "Mamo-chan, I know you are alive, somewhere, please come back to me. Everyone keeps on telling me to move on but I can't…. I can't Mamo-chan…. I can't"
I couldn't control my sobbing and just wishing for him to be here with me is really tearing me apart. I feel as if someone was trying to stop my heart from beating. I am in so much pain that I couldn't even explain how much it hurts.
There has not a day that passed by that I don't cry myself to sleep and I, also had to hide it from Luna because she gets too worried that she would call all the scouts over. I love them with all my heart but they do get too overprotective of me. "Mamo-chan, if you could hear me at all, please come back to me. I need you in my life and I will always love you. Please my love, I'm waiting for you"
I sat there on the edge of my bed hugging my pillow tight and talking to myself. I couldn't stop my tears from falling even if I tried so I just let them come.
I have however noticed that every time I wished for my Mamo-chan to come back, my Silver Millennium crystal reacts to it. It would shine to its full brightness and would light up my dark empty room.

Three more days until my birthday – at a theme park

"Seiya, where are we going?" I asked for he just led me somewhere that I was not to see for he has blindfolded me. "Three more days until your birthday and I want to give you something each of those three days until finally it's the day of your birthday." He replied.
"I'm going to remove your blindfold now, so don't peak until I tell you to open your eyes okay"
"Okay, but I really want to see whatever your surprise is." I was actually, literately jumping up and down. I was excited.
"Okay now open your eyes"
I was in shocked. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. There stood before me one of the biggest merry-go-rounds I have ever seen in my life. I knew I told him I wanted to ride the merry-go-round again but I didn't think he would take me seriously. I couldn't breathe and I had to take several deep breaths to regain my normal breathing pattern. Without a thought, I hugged him, tight. He put his arms around my waist and I had mixed feelings about being in his arms. I wanted to pull away from his embrace but at the same time I didn't want to because it would be rude.
After the embrace, I loosen my grip around his neck but he on the other hand still had his arms wrapped around my waist. I was afraid to look at him for I was afraid of what would happen next but everything seemed to have happened in a blur. He lowered his head to the same level as mine and his lips touched my lips. At first it was soft and then it became more of a hunger for him. I didn't know what I to do, so I just stood there while he kissed me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so abrupt." He said releasing me from his embrace.

"NO, it's okay." I replied trying not to make the situation more awkward that it already was. "Thank you for this um… big merry-go-round"
"Just making your wishes come true. So, I rented this for the whole day and night. What do you say we put it to use?" He took my hands and led me to the theme park. We stayed there for couple of hours and we were the only people there. It was romantic, I thought, but at the back of my mind, I wished I was sharing this with my Mamo-chan.

I laughed and thought,'I miss you Mamo-chan'
I tripped and thought,'Only my Mamo-chan can help me up and kiss my pain away.'

He hugged me and I thought,'No one can compare to my Mamo-chan's embrace'
He held my hand and I thought,'No one could ever hold my hand like my Mamo-chan'
He kissed and I thought, 'Please, stop. I belong to my Mamo-chan. He is the only one that could ever kiss me. Please stop.'

These thoughts were with me every minute and every hour of each day. Even if I try to forget, in the end I always lose regrettably.

Two days until my birthday – at the beach

It was a sunny day and Seiya was driving me to my next surprise. Again I was blindfolded and as much as I didn't want to be in this position I had no choice for I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was trying really hard and I know he was expecting me to fully forget about my Mamo-chan. I didn't have the heart to tell him that my heart will always be for, and with my Mamo-chan.

"Are you alright?" he asked leading me to my surprise. We finally reached the place and he had to lead me all the way for I couldn't see where I was going.

"We are here. No peaking until I say open your eyes." He said and before he took my blindfold he kissed me, which I wished he didn't.

Again, I was dumbstruck. There in front of me was a big umbrella on top of a table. The table was nicely put together with expensive dinner sets and there were candlelights everywhere. He then took my hands and led me toward the table. The scenery was undeniably beautiful. We were to have dinner right beside the beach and no one was there except us. It was perfectly planned and as much as I wanted to enjoy this with him, inside I was wishing I was experiencing this with my only love.

The Tsukino residents – My room

The past two days have been wonderful and I just wished I had done it with my Mamo-chan. Just thinking of him makes me so emotional.

"I want to try Seiya, I really do but I heart belongs to my Mamo-chan." Tears were streaming down my face already. 'Please Mamo-chan come home to me. If you hear this at all please come home. I need you here my love. I can't… stand …. the pain anymore…I want …..you … here… tomorrow is my birthday… please be here.'

I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. I know I should be celebrating for it would be my special day but I was depressed as ever. Tomorrow would be the day before found out that my Mamo-chan disappeared in thin air. I didn't want my birthday to come at all for it would mark the first year when I said my goodbye to him and when he kissed me the last time.

'Oh Mother! If you hear me at all please help me. I don't want to live anymore. I have no reason to live. Mother please take me with you. Please take my pain away I can't bear it anymore. I miss him so much. I don't know what to do anymore.'

Just as I was wiping my tears, a bright light appeared in my room, in front of me. There stood my mother, looking so beautiful. She looked like a fairy and the light radiating from here was blinding.

"My sweet daughter, please don't hurt anymore. I feel your pain my sweet, sweet daughter. I know you have a strong heart my dearest daughter. Have some faith my love and let that faith lead you to your one and only." Her voice was like a sweet melody to the ears. "Have a happy birthday my dearest daughter. Keep your faith alive always."

"Mother, what do mean?" I asked but it was too late for she disappeared. 'Keep my faith? What did she mean?' I wondered.

Happy birthday to me! The big painful-HAPPY surprise

I was walking toward the Crown Centre to meet all my friends and was in a good mood for once. I had over analysed what my Mother said to me last night and I believe she was talking about my faith concerning Mamo-chan.

Before I opened the door, I noticed that it was dark inside. I wondered if it was open today but it had to be for it was Friday and Fridays were the busiest time in here. I opened the second door which was glass and out came my friends, all jumped out of nowhere and yelled, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY USAGI!"

Everyone was there, from the outer senshi to the inner and also our outside friends. Before I knew it I was in tears for I was really taken back that they went to this extent to surprise me. I hugged everyone and as much as I feel joy inside, I was at the same time feeling empty and full of sadness. I know I shouldn't have but I expected Mamo-chan to be here but I did. I was only fooling myself. Seiya in the other hand was acting weird toward me. He hugged me and greeted me but I felt the distance between us. I got a different vibe from him, as if he didn't want to be with me. I had mixed feelings about the situation but didn't dwell on it that long.

After the party at the arcade, we all headed toward the big stadium. The Three Lights were having a big concert there and we all had front row seat.

When the lights dimmed, the crowd roared. I was happy to share this with my friends and for once, I was not thinking of Mamo-chan.
After three songs, Seiya came out to the very edge of the stage and took with him a chair, which he sat on. He was holding a rose and the camera was focused on him. There must have been more that 600 people in the stadium and everyone saw how serious he looked when he took his seat.

"I hope all of you are having a good time, but now its time to tone it down abit.
I just wrote this song and I hope everyone likes it. It's called 'If you're heart's not in it.'"

With that said, all the lights were turned off except the lights shining on The Three Lights. The band started and Seiya looked straight at me.

"I'm missing you Girl even though you're right here by my side

Cause lately it seems

The distance between us is growing too wide

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over

The last thing that I wanna hear

But if your heart's not in it for real

Please don't try to fake what you don't feel If love's already gone

It's not fair to lead me on Cause I would give the whole world for you

Anything you ask of me I'd do But I won't ask you to stay I'd rather walk away

If your heart's not in it

You say that you love me But baby sometimes You're just saying the words

If you've got so
methin' to tell me Don't keep it inside Let it be heard

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over

Girl I'll make it easy for you

But if your heart's not in it for real

Please don't try to fake what you don't feel

If love's already gone It's not fair to lead me on Cause I would give the whole world for you

Anything you ask of me I'd do But I won't ask you to stay I'd rather walk away

If your heart's not in it

How I wish I could take us back in time

But it's gone too far now we can't rewind

(And there's nothing that I can do To stop me losin' you) I can't make you change your mind (If your heart's not in it)

But if your heart's not in it for real Please don't try to fake what you don't feel

If love's already gone It's not fair to lead me on Cause I would give the whole world for you

Anything you ask of me I'd do But I won't ask you to stay I'd rather walk away

If your heart's not in it"

During the song, not a sound came from the crowds. Throughout the whole song, he stared at me and I felt like we were the only people in the room. I listened to the lyrics and couldn't help but think that he wrote this for me. I saw his pain when he was singing it and I knew how he must have felt writing this song. All I could do was look at him with a smile. If the crowds were looking at him at all they could have seen the tears streaming down his face.
I now know why he was so distant to me at the arcade and I believe that this is his way of saying goodbye. The song tells it all.

After the concert, we met The Three Lights at their dressing room. I wanted to clear the air out with him so I asked him to step outside with me. We went to the nearest park and sat on a bench.

He was in pain and I could feel it. His expression also says it all.
"That was a lovely song." I started.
"Thank you," he replied not looking at me, "it was for you"
" I don't know what to say Seiya. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you or give you any hopes. I…." I didn't know what to say anymore. I'm happy that he finally gave up and depressed because I didn't want our relationship to be ruined.

"I guess I was fighting a losing battle anyway. Even when you tried to be happy, I saw your pain and I saw how you wanted him there. Not me"
"I'm so sorry…." I couldn't handle it anymore. My tears were drifting down my cheeks already.
"I would have done anything for you, you know. But I could never compete with him, could I?" he asked turning toward me, He was also in tears. He buried his face on his hands and I just put my arms around him.

"Please stop. Please don't cry." I said trying to console him.
"Serena, I would never forget you. You will always have a special part of my heart." With that said, he left me there on the dark.

I didn't know what to do next. I wanted to get up and head home but I couldn't move my legs. I was tired, physically tired and sitting here was relaxing.
After collecting myself, I took my communicator out to tell the senshi that I was heading home, when a familiar voice called out my name.
I looked around and saw no one.

'I must be hearing things,' I thought.

"Usagi."

"Okay I'm not loosing it," I said out loud, "who's there"
Just then, a blinding light came from behind the trees behind me. I quickly turned that direction and was very scared to what it might be.

"Usako"
'I heard that. No… that can't be… Mamo-chan? No one else calls me Usako except him… can it be?" I thought.

I was still trying to see who the figure was for the light was too bright to look straight. But when the lights dimmed down and disappeared, there he stood dressed with his armours.
Without much thought, I ran toward him, "MAMO-CHAN"
"Usako." He replied.
My embraced around his neck was tight but nothing could have compared to his tight grip around my waist.
My heart was jumping up for joy and I was crying uncontrollably at the same time. I couldn't believe he was here, with me.

"Oh Mamo-chan, I knew you were alive. I never gave up hope." I whispered. "I missed you so much"
"My Usako, I know, I know. I have missed you more than you could have ever dream of"
He cupped my face with his hands and was kissing my face everywhere. I couldn't hold it anymore, I wanted to taste his kiss on my lips so I landed my lips to his. The kiss was soft yet hard. We were both yearning for it and we both didn't want to stop but we were forced to, to take a breather.

"How could this be? It has been a year and now you are here." I asked.
He smiled and sat down on the bench. He led my hands toward him and put it over his shoulder. I, then sat down on his lap. His arms automatically wrapped around my waist.
"You're faith my love. I was stuck in the outer space and was trying to find my way out but it was such a big place. But I didn't give up for I know I had to come back to you. It was just a couple of days ago that I saw your light. The light of the crystal radiated all the way to the space and I followed it. Then I finally found my way back to you. I never gave up hope Usako and I know you haven't also."

Listening to him made me cry again. I hugged him again and gave him a long, sweet kiss.

"I love you Usako"
"OH Mamo-chan, I love you too"
"Before I forget, happy birthday my love." his kiss was tender.
"Thank you." I replied kissing him back, "this is the best birthday ever."

"I have a question to ask, my lovely Usako." He said, taking out something from his pocket.
"Yes, Mamo-chan," I answered, kissing him everywhere on his face.

He opened the tiny box and there, placed in the tiny box a ring that no words could describe its beauty. It was radiating light, which was unusual to see, so I thought.
I was again in tears. My right hand was shaking when I lifted to touch it.

"My dearest Usako, will you marry me"
"YES! YES! YES!" I literately shouted.
He took the ring out and placed it on my shaking finger. I, in turn kissed him.
The kiss lasted awhile but I or we were not in hurry to be anywhere else except in each others arms so we took our time to enjoy each others passionate kisses.

We had a lot to cactch up on and there was not a perfect time but now, the present

Author's note: I hope you liked it. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Comments would be gladly appreciated.