Chapter 3:
"You know, Carter; that never gets old" said Jack O'Neill as he unclipped the business end of his submachine gun and held it up at the ready.
"No sir, you're right" said Sam Carter, smiling her cute little smile as she cradled her own FN P-90 in her arms. "Even when you know how it all works."
Jack gave her one of his 'oh you're such a smart-ass but I still love you' looks and they walked forward a couple of steps; behind them, Doctor Daniel Jackson and Teal'c; the ex-First Prime of the Goa'uld, Apophis, appeared through the gate. Daniel was armed with his pistol and Teal'c carried his staff weapon.
All four members of SG-1 had Zats strapped to their hips as back-ups.
As the wormhole disengaged Teal'c looked around, confused. He said "O'Neill! This does not look like the place we saw through the MALP camera."
Jack and Sam looked around, noticing that their alien friend was indeed correct.
"Carter?" said the Colonel.
"Sir?" said the Major.
"Why are we on what looks more like a moon than a planet? Where's the beach and the palm trees?"
"I don't know Sir."
"I was actually looking forward to going to that planet Carter! What happened to my paradise?"
"Maybe the images we saw were another projection to hide what was really there" said Teal'c. "Do you all remember the planet where we encountered Urgo?"
"Yes Teal'c; all too well; thank you for reminding me; but who'd want to hide a barren, lifeless moon." said Jack, not happy about his friend bringing up that particular mission.
Daniel butted in and said "it can't have been a projection, guys; there's no MALP here."
"I think maybe something went wrong sir" said Sam.
'Ya think?" said Jack, looking at his highly intelligent second-in-command and shrugging his shoulders. "Any ideas as to what it was?"
"What, what was, Sir?"
"The thing that went wrong, Major" said Jack looking really frustrated.
"I'd have to check the dialling computer back at the SGC to know that sir" said Sam.
"All right then; Daniel, dial her up" said Jack as he walked down the stone steps and onto the surface of the moon. "Let's get out of here!"
"Major Carter, may I ask you something" said Teal'c.
"Of course you can Teal'c" said Sam.
"Do you think that this is a moon or a planet?"
"By the looks of all the craters and dirt, Teal'c; I'd have to say this is a moon; but what really tips the scales towards that conclusion is that gas giant over there" and she pointed to the nearby planet."
"If that is indeed the case, then why does this moon have a breathable atmosphere? I myself have never encountered a moon like this before."
Sam looked up, then around and then back at Teal'c. "You know, I'm not really sure. There's no visible vegetation so I have no idea how the oxygen could have been produced. And there no visible atmosphere like on a planet, just space."
"It is indeed a mystery Samantha Carter."
Sam smiled again and said "indeed."
"Umm… Jack!" said Daniel.
"Yes Daniel?" said O'Neill impatiently.
"Where's the DHD?"
"What?" said Jack as he turned to the person responsible for finally deciphering the symbols on the gate that was found on Earth, thus making it actually work and therefore made gate travel possible.
"There's no DHD Jack."
O'Neill got that panicked look on his face and began looking round for the DHD.
In fact, they all began searching for the missing Dial Home Device but to no avail.
"Damn it!" said Jack, throwing his cap to the ground in frustration. "How the hell are we going to get back to Earth?"
"Smeg!" said Lister as he hid behind the rocks with his companions. "They look human!"
"What about that one, bud" said the Cat, hoping that the shiny thing didn't belong to these interlopers because if it did; he may just have to eat them. "That big guy with the funny tattoo on his forehead looks mean enough to be an alien to me"
"He could be a smeggin' simulant or something" said Lister. "But that wouldn't explain why he's hanging around with live humans."
"You're right, bud! If he was one of those bad-ass androids, he'd be wearing those guys, not travelling though space with them."
"Interesting" said Kryten as he zoomed in on the diverse looking group with his multi-function eyeballs. "That tattoo looks like it's made from gold and his weapon is un-like any other that I have ever encountered sirs."
"Do you think he could really be an alien, a real alien? He looks nothing like any of the aliens I've ever thought or dreamed about" said Rimmer after he had crawled out of his hidey-hole at the mere mention of an extra-terrestrial life form.
Kryten quickly scanned the newcomers with his scanner and said "well, Mr Rimmer, sir; three of them are human, two males and a female. But the other person seems to have another life form inside him, sort of like a parasite of some type; and his physiology is similar, but not the same as the others."
"Then he is an Alien" said Rimmer with a smile so wide you could park Starbug in it.
The Cat got all excited at the thought of one of them actually being a girl. "Did you say female; female; as in round and curvaceous?"
"Listen! What are they saying?" said Lister.
Rimmer's ears pricked up and he said "She said 'Colonel! He must be an officer! Oh, and he called her Major! "
"Wow; she's cute and an officer" said the Cat who appeared to have started drooling down the front of his tailor-made, silk and linen fatigue jacket.
"They seem to be in a bit of a dilemma sirs" said Kryten. "It looks like they are in the wrong place and have no way to get home."
"What a DHD?" said Rimmer, screwing up his face trying to remember if any of his engineering text books might have mentioned anything that even remotely sounded like DHD.
Yea! Like he'd remember!
"That guy with the glasses looks like a nerd" the Cat said. "You'd think he'd be able to get them home. Aren't nerds supposed to be really smart?"
"Well you'd know; Dwayne" said Lister smiling like a rat in a cheese shop.
"Hey! I am not Dwayne Dibley and you know it, monkey-boy!"
"Hang on, what are they saying now?' said Rimmer.
"Smeg!" said Lister, his face looking like he had just won the lottery. "They're from Earth!"