Chapter 4:

Lister was so excited that the strangers were from Earth that he began to stand up so he could let them know that he was from Earth too. But before he could rise above the level of the rocks, the Cat, Kryten and even Rimmer grabbed him and pulled him back down to the ground so fast his hat stayed suspended in mid-air for about 2 seconds.

"What are you doing, guys! They're from Earth; I want to say hello, and maybe we can go back with them" said Lister, so cheesed-off his nostrils started flaring like Rimmer's usually did.

"Are you nuts, gerbil features?" said the Cat. "What if they're from the future, or our past, or…"

"I think we should wait a bit before we approach them sir" said Kryten. "Maybe find out a bit more about them."

"Yes, what they said" said Rimmer, smugly. "And besides… He's my alien; I saw him first; I've got bag-zees!"

Lister just looked at them like they were all escapees from a psychiatric leper colony. "You guys can stay and whimper behind these smeggin' rocks if you want. But I'm going out there. I want to go back to Earth! I don't care what century they're from; I don't care what dimension they're from; I don't even care if that big alien smegger is the overlord of the whole universe! I wanna go back to smeggin' Earth!"

Without even waiting for the others to reply to his ramblings, Lister stood up, started waving his hands and ran out from the rocks screaming "Hey! Over 'ear! Oi! I'm from Earth too!"

Jack was the first to spot him and he lifted the barrel of his P-90 up and pointed it at the oncoming… whatever it was.

"Whoa, whoa; hold it right there fella!"

Lister stopped dead in his tracks and was gob smacked. He lifted his hands into the surrender positions and said "don't shoot! I'm from Earth; I'm human."

Carter, Daniel and Teal'c all raised their weapons too. Poor Lister felt like a duck on an anti-aircraft firing range.

Jack asked "getting anything Carter, Teal'c?"

"I do not sense the presence of a Goa'uld, O'Neill" said Teal'c.

"Me either sir, I think he's ok" said Sam.

"What's that smell" said Daniel, sniffing the air.

Lister looked at Daniel like he was a pubic hair floating in his lager.

"Who are you" said Sam, not really believing what it was that was standing in front of her.

"Can I put my hands down, please?" Lister said.

"Not quite yet" said Jack. "Answer her question."

"I'm Dave Lister from Liverpool in England."

"You're a long way from home aren't you, Dave" said Daniel.

"So are you four eyes" said Lister who then looked at Jack and asked "is he always such a smart-arse?"

"A what?" said Jack, having trouble with Listers scouser accent. "Oh! You mean a smart-ass? Yea, he usually is but I'm getting used to it."

Daniel looked at the Colonel with a look like a lost puppy. "Way to go Jack; make me look like a dork in front of the new guy!"

"I'm unarmed" Lister said opening his jacket.

Jack waved his hand in front of his face and said "phew! Not from where I'm standing buddy. You can put your arms down now, in fact; I insist that you do it; now!"

Lister took a sniff of his own armpits. This guy was right; he could have done with some deodorant.

"So how'd you get on this moon Dave" said Jack.

"We stopped to have a barbeque" he said.

"A barbeque?" said Carter.

"On a moon?" said Daniel.

"Are you nuts?" said Jack.

"Who is we?" said Teal'c.

"My ship mates are a bit shy, they're hiding behind that outcrop of rocks over there" Lister said as he pointed towards the rest of the Dwarfers.

"Why don'tyou have them come on out, Dave" said Jack, smiling, not liking the idea of someone hiding behind a rock while he was out in the open.

Lister yelled 'come on out guys, it's OK" and the others stood up like meerkats looking for lions. "And leave the bazookoids there."

"What is a bazookoid David Lister?" said Teal'c.

"You can call me Dave… sorry what was your name, matey?"

Teal'c bowed politely and said "I am Teal'c."

Lister said "Did you say Tea cake?" and began wondering who would be such a nasty git and name their kid after a smeggin' cake.

Daniel interjected and said "that's pronounced Tee-Ul-K."

"He is a smeggin' smart-arse isn't he?"

"So a bazookoid is?" Jack said, smiling and really beginning to like this weird looking guy with the dreadlocks.

"Oh; sorry. It's big honking gun that fires big explosive thingies."

"And that's its technical name is it?" asked Daniel.

"Give the guy a break Daniel.

As the rest of the Red Dwarf posse made their way towards the group, Jack looked at Kryten and said "Holy Hanna! What happened to you guy? I hope you sued that plastic surgeon?"

"I beg you pardon, sir?" said Kryten, oblivious.

"No, it's alright" said Lister, "he's supposed to look that way. He's a robot; an android."

Well that was like a red flag to a bull for Sam, she said "An android. Wow! He looks pretty sophisticated. What do you do… sorry, do you have a name?"

Kryten bowed and said "ma'am, my name is Kryten 2X4B-523P and I am at your service."

"So what do you do?" Sam asked. "What is your function?"

"I'm a service android ma'am."

"And what does that mean?"

Rimmer, who by now was on his knees and bowing in front of Teal'c; tore his eyes from the slightly embarrassed Jaffa long enough to interject with "it means he cleans toilets."

Sam looked at Kryten in a different light now. "Is that all you do?"

"Carter, can we talk about that later" said Jack. "What I want to know is what that 'H' is doing on this guy's forehead" as he pointed towards Rimmer.

"It stands for 'hologram' Colonel Sir" said Rimmer, standing to attention and saluting Rimmer style. "It means I'm dead."

Jack looked at Rimmer like he was mad; which, as we all know, is the truth

"You look pretty good for a dead guy" said Daniel.

"That's an interesting Salute you've got there buddy" said Jack and returned the salute, sort of. "Are you... Sorry; where youmilitary?"

"Second Technician Rimmer: Arnold J of the Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red Dwarf; at your command Sir."

Teal'c, his curiosity getting the better of him said "And what duties does a second technician on your ship perform Arnold Rimmer?"

"It means he cleans the gunk out of the chicken soup machine nozzle buddy" said the Cat before standing right in front of Sam and staring at her like she was a caviar-coated mouse.

"Sir" said Sam.

"Easy Carter" said Jack. "Who are you… err… That is, what are you; why do you look like a contestant from Dancing with the Stars and what's with those teeth?"

The Cat didn't say a thing. He kept on starting at Sam.

"He's a cat" said Rimmer.

"What do you mean he's a Cat?" said Jack.

Lister said "its long story; but his race evolved from my pet cat that was pregnant when I went into stasis for three million years."

"You what?" said Daniel, looking over the top of his glasses as they started fogging up.

"You were in suspended animation for three million years?" said Sam.

"You've aged well" said Jack. "Umm, Dave, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure" said Lister.

"What the hell are you talking about?"