Chapter 5:
Lister started to tell SG-1 the tale of the Red Dwarf, but when he began by starting the story from the time he was a car parking attendant, Kryten butted in and said "Mr Lister, sir. If you're going to go that far back in the telling of this story, I suggest we go back to Red Dwarf."
"Why Kryten?" asked Lister.
"Well, sir. This moon is about to move out of sight of this system's star and when it does the temperature will drop lower than a lawyer in a mineshaft."
Jack asked "how long have we got, err… Kryten wasn't it?"
"Yes Sir, Colonel. I would say we will make it back to Starbug in time, but we must leave now."
"What's a Starbug?" asked Daniel.
"It's a ship to surface transport vessel" said Rimmer, as Lister pulled him from his knees, earning him a 'thank you' bow from Teal'c.
"Cool" said Jack. "Let's go Campers.
With Kryten leading they began their walk back to the camp and Starbug.
Carter was getting really angry because as she walked, the Cat walked next to her, his eyes never leaving her cherub-like face.
"Sir" said Sam.
"Easy Carter" said Jack. "Dave, can you do something about that, umm… moggy?"
Lister walked up behind the Cat and slapped him on the back of the head. "Show some manners smeg-head. Leave the Major alone."
The Cat rubbed the back of his head and turned to Lister, "what did you do that for?"
"It's for your own good, Garfield" said Jack as he walked next to the cheesed off feline. "Major Carter is not only a very good shot, she's also an unarmed combat expert; and she doesn't like being stared at."
"But she's a female and I…."
"Oh yea, she is that" smiled Jack knowingly. But she's a female military officer with an eagle eye and a bad temper if pushed; do your-self a favour and give her a wide birth,"
"OK, OK" said the Cat and slipped back to walk by himself.
Lister and Rimmer walked at the back of the group and after a few paces Rimmer turned as they walked and said "Lister, what happened to that smegging time hole?"
Lister stopped and took a look for himself. "Dunno. Maybe it's gone, but maybe it's just blending into the planet, it's the same smeggin' colour as it."
"Do you think it might have anything to do with these people being here?"
"Could be" said Lister. "Holly might be able to tell us, and that Major seems pretty switched on."
Rimmer nodded as they continued to walk, nearly catching up to Teal'c and Daniel. "And cute, don't forget about cute."
When they got back to the Bug, Holly met them at the edge of the camp and said "ear, who's this lot then?"
Sam walked up to Holly and his trolley and said "who are you?"
"I'm Holly, Red Dwarfs Hologrammatic AI computer with an IQ of 6000."
"Wow! An artificially intelligent computer" said Carter. "A 6000 IQ is pretty high; you must be extremely smart."
Holly blushed and just smiled. "6000s not much; it's the same IQ as 12,000 reality television show presenters."
"He's got a point" said Jack.
Lister walked over and introduced everyone to Holly.
"Holly, meet Colonel Jack O'Neill; this is Major Samantha Carter; the big guy with the cool tattoo is Teal'c; he's an alien…"
"An alien?" Holly said. "Oi! What have you done with Sigourney Weaver?"
"That's a movie, Holly" said Jack.
"Oh, OK; and whose this other bloke?"
Daniel walked up and said "Doctor Daniel Jackson, pleased to meet you Holly."
"A Doctor eh; great; I've got this pain in my shoulder, Doc. It really hurts when I do…"
"Um, I'm not that sort of doctor, Holly. I'm a linguist and a…"
"The Major is a doctor too, Holly' said Jack. "But she's some sort of physics-someone or something."
"An astrophysicist actually, Holly" said Sam.
"Peachy" said Jack, looking embarrassed.
"Anyway, Holly" said Lister. "They're from Earth."
"Earth! How did they get here?"
"Its long story, Holly" said Sam.
"And we'll tell you all about it when we get back to the Dwarf." said Lister and they all began packing up the BBQ stuff and took it to Starbug.
When Lister was in the pilot's seat he asked Jack if he wanted to take the co-pilot's spot next to him. Jack said "ya, sure; you betcha" and strapped himself in.
As they took off Jack asked 'so where is this Red Dwarf anyway?"
Lister pointed straight in front of them and said "that big red thing there."
"That!" gasped Jack. "I thought that was another moon!"
"It's supposed to be as big as a city."
"It's certainly bigger than Manhattan" exclaimed Jack.
As they got closer to the ship Jack called his team-mates to the front for a look. Sam marvelled at the engineering that must have gone into it and couldn't wait to study some schematics; Daniel wanted to read about its history and Teal'c just said "Why is this ship called Red Dwarf when it is so big."
With Starbug suitably parked, the Dwarfers led SG-1 through the corridors and halls of Red Dwarf to the Drive Room. Holly was back in his usual place by now and they all sat around waiting for Dave to finish his story, but not from so far back. But before he could continue Carter said "I've just thought of something sir."
"What Carter?" Jack said.
"Holly" said Sam. "What year was Red Dwarf built and where?"
"Well, Major; it was commissioned in 2275 after being constructed in the Jupiter Mining Corporation shipping yards in orbit around Mars."
"2275!" said Jack.
"Mars! Daniel exclaimed.
"Why" said Rimmer, still studying the object of his worship. What's wrong with that?"
"Umm, we're actually from the early, very early 21st Century" said Carter, confused. "No other planets had been colonised by humans from Earth or had shipping yards in orbit around them in our time."
"Although we do have a couple of off-world bases" said Jack.
"Not to mention all of the alien planets and species we've encountered" said Daniel.
"Mmm; that is interesting" said Kryten, trying to compute what was being said.
"You mean there are more alien species around except you Teal'c?" Rimmer said, almost fainting.
"Yea there is Arnold Rimmer" replied Teal'c.
"Rimmer and me are from the 23rd Century, Major" said Lister. "How the smeg did you guys get here?"
"It was the time hole" said Kryten suddenly.
"A what?" Sam asked.
"A time hole, Major" said Holly; "is a rare phenomenon found in the deepest reaches of space."
"What do they look like?" Daniel asked.
The Cat was sitting as far across the room as he could get from Carter but still stared at her longingly. He turned to Daniel and said "It's normally an orange swirly thing in space."
"Normally? Jack asked.
"Yes, Sir, Colonel; we saw one in the sky just before you came though the stone ring. But that one was blue."
"And you don't know why?" asked Carter.
"No, Ma'am, we don't. I have never heard of a blue time-hole before."
"And there's no reports of blue ones on my database" said Holly.
"We've been through one of the normal ones" said Lister. "It took us to a really weird version of Earth where time was running backwards."
"Well a time hole, as you called it, would explain how we got to this time period" said Carter. "But you called the Stargate a stone ring, haven't you ever seen one before."
"Stargate?" said Rimmer.
"We call it that because it's a gate to the stars" said Daniel quite matter-of-fact like.
Lister leaned over to Jack and whispered, 'this guy must drive you smeggin' nuts."
"He does" replied Jack. "But he's handy to have around when we find old stuff."
"Why old stuff?"
"He's an archaeologist."
"A wot?"
"He's an ancient junk expert."
"Oh."
Poor Daniel just looked at his commanding officer with his puppy-dog eyes.
Sam asked her question again and Kryten said "no, Major; nothing like the ring, sorry; Star-Gate; has ever been catalogued to my knowledge."
"Or mine" quipped Holly.
Teal'c looked confused and asked "if the Red Dwarf crew has never seen a Chapa'ai does that mean that the Goa'uld has been defeated by their time?"
"What's a Goold?" asked Lister, screwing up his face. "And what's a Chaparti, is that like a kebab?"
Daniel stuck his nose in and said "they're pronounced…."
"Rimmer; I think I've finally found someone more smeggin' annoying than you."
Rimmer didn't say a word he just smiled his 'what-the-smeg-are-you-talking-about' smile.
"Never heard of either of 'em" said Holly.
"Can't say I have either Mr Teal'c sir" said Kryten.
Teal'c just looked away and said "indeed."
Sam looked at the Dwarfers and smiled before she suddenly realised what had actually happened to them. "Actually; Teal'c; I think it might mean that not only are we in a different time, but we're also in a different dimension."
"Again?" said Jack.