Et Velle Et Perficere Chapter 7: As If You Had Been Dead, a phantom of the opera fanfic

Et Velle Et Perficere

Disclaimer: Don't own POTO… but I do own Croft Manor. Plus, the title for this chapter and a small conversation between Erik and Christine is a nod at Gaston Leroux, of course. I expect you'll all recognise the last line too…

Please read and review…

Chapter 7: And You Looked As Beautiful As If You Had Been Dead…

Christine was painfully aware that Erik had been avoiding her ever since the kiss they had shared the night before. It was midday Monday and the last of the guests had just left. Sarah and Michael had gone to rehearsals at the theatre, he and Jeremy having actually swanned off somewhere to discuss productions or some other such subject. Erik and Christine, therefore, were left alone in the house together. Not that she could have confirmed that if someone asked her, having seen neither hide nor hair of Erik since the night before. She hadn't told anyone about the kiss they had shared either – partly because she felt Erik would not be very pleased with her if she betrayed his privacy and partly because she had already fallen asleep by the time Meg got to bed. She hadn't even been able to find it in herself to tell Jeremy, who had been so very worried for her and had done all that he could to comfort her. She had cried herself to sleep in his arms and he had put her to bed, concerned but unsure that he could do anything to help.

As it was, Christine found Erik in his room, when she finally decided to go in. He was reclined on top of the covers of his bed trying to read a book. 'Trying' being the operative word, of course… He shrugged away from her when she sat down beside him and placed her hand on his arm. "Erik, please… don't be like this."

"What exactly do you want me to be like, then, Christine? Lord knows, I can't be beautiful for you…" he said as moved over to stand by the window.

"Erik, I don't know why you think so lowly of yourself. Last night was amazing… up until the moment you decided you had to run off for no reason, of course. I don't know what's behind your mask, Erik, but–"

"Then rest assured you will never have to find out," he cut her off.

"Erik, explain it to me, then. What happened last night that made you think that I had not enjoyed it and that you had to apologise? Tell me what makes you think you are not worthy of kissing me…" She moved over to him and put her hand on his arm again, this time not letting him shrug her off.

Erik sighed, "I took advantage of you… you were upset and I preyed on that. If anyone else had done that to you, I would have snapped their neck with my bare hands… And, as for my… face, just leave it at that, Christine, it is better that you think I am beautiful than know the truth… Trust me, it is that alone that keeps you from dying out of shock."

Erik finally turned to look her in the eyes and a tear of utter sorrow fell down his left cheek. "If you knew how beautiful you were when you let me kiss you alive… It was the first time, Angel, the first time I ever kissed a woman… Yes, alive, I kissed you alive… and you looked as beautiful as if you had been dead…"

"Erik," Christine said, worriedly, "Erik…"

"Do not fret, Christine. I have no more desire to see you dead than I do to sit on national television solely in my underwear while blowing bubbles through my nose."

Christine could not help herself and laughed fully, wishing, at turns, that he could be more and less serious about the things they were discussing. She ignored his uptight feelings and threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly. Needless to say, he was rather taken aback…

"Oh, Erik… I wish you'd stop punishing yourself…"

"There is much I deserve to be punished for, my angel. None of which you know much about…" he sighed, wrapping his arms tentatively around her. "If I told you half of them, you would not wish to look upon me ever again…"

"You underestimate me, Erik. There is nothing you could have done that will make me turn from you now… that will make any of us turn from you now, Erik. You're a part of this family, whether you like it or not… and we take the good with the bad," she said adamantly.

Erik suddenly pushed her away from himself and turned his back on her once more. "You are far too naïve for your own bloody good," he shouted. "You think you can handle it all, well you're bloody wrong, I can tell you. Now, get away from me."

"Erik, this is me you're talking to… your angel, you can tell me anything…" He moved to push passed her and out of the room but she pulled him back roughly by the arm… something he had not expected her to do and so had not prepared for. The force of his upper body being twisted back around by her caused him to overbalance and, weighing much more than her, they both fell to the ground. However, unlike the last time they had found themselves in a similar situation, this time they were positioned in such a way that Erik's face struck the floor.

It all happened rather agonisingly slowly for Erik after that… His hands were caught underneath Christine so he could not immediately right himself… nor could he stop his mask from slipping rapidly down his face as the tie snagged and snapped, mask clattering deafeningly, at least in his ears, to the floor. The knowledge, however, that it was going to happen and that Christine was lying beneath him, looking up at him, was clear in his mind. He shut his eyes in pain and waited for her to scream and to strike him to try to get away…

Christine, however, started crying at the sight of his poor, wretched face… He was truly and cripplingly disfigured, whereas Christine had thought he had an emotional, perhaps, mental deformity… She supposed, now, that he had had all three all along… The poor man, bless him, he was absolutely unsightly and she felt awful for having seen him while he was weak – something she knew he'd never forgive her for. She couldn't imagine what it was like for someone to be so despairingly embarrassed by their appearance that they would put up with the stares and questions drawn by a mask than let anybody see them as they were. Such humiliation, such shame he must have felt…

Erik let out an anguished cry and tried urgently to extricate himself from the heap they were in. But, in his panic, he succeeded only in raising his upper body further, exposing himself to her more, and becoming frantic in his desperation to escape. He was like a frightened animal, Christine thought, backed into a corner, knowing the only way to escape was to fight. Resolutely, Christine reached up and clung to him, not letting him run away from her this time. She held fast until he stopped moving, breaking down in sobs upon her shoulder.

"Do you see, now, Christine?" he cried. "You are privy to my darkest secret… can you handle it now, Christine?"

"I can handle anything you care to show me, Erik," she vowed. There was no way in the world she'd let anyone just continue suffering like this. Christine, kind as she was, would have comforted Carlotta even, had she been in this state. And she would have lied then too… "Don't cry, dearheart, you are beautiful to me…" She started stroking his back as he cried more intensely, and started to sing to him gently to lull him.

His breath caught in his throat as he heard her sing for the first time… Lord, she was exquisite… Her speaking voice was one thing but, compared to her singing voice, it did not give the merest suggestion of the beauty she possessed within. He was in heaven, a feeling almost as brilliant as the kiss they had shared the previous night.

The loss of tension in his body left him feeling suddenly tired as she sang to him of everything and nothing. Gradually, he began to relax, so much so, in fact, that his eyelids started to droop and he slowly fell asleep in her embrace, curled against her shoulder.

Eventually, she realised that he was sound asleep and stopped singing. She pulled a pillow off of the bed behind her and laid it on the floor, leaning him back against it as she laid a blanket over him and, as an afterthought, turned him on his right side in case anyone should come into his room while he slept. He looked so vulnerable like that, Christine thought. He was perfect…

The next week or so passed by more quickly than Christine had hoped. There was only roughly another week and a half before she would have to go back to school and she was not looking forward to it. She and Erik, however, were closer than ever and that was something she was entirely pleased about. Neither of them had mentioned the night his mask had fallen away, nor had they shared anymore kisses or anything other than a platonic relationship. However, that was not to say that neither of them wanted to resume where they had left off that night a week ago – but they were not ready… Christine was still dealing with the shock of witnessing his face for the first time and Erik was still reeling with his feelings of inadequacy.

It also happened to be the day of Christine's exam results and she was completely anxious. Again, it was a weekday, so just Erik and Christine were home together. They were currently in the drawing room, waiting for the postman, as Christine paced back and forth, Erik looking on amusedly. "Darling, your pacing will no more make the postman come faster than it will change the exam results he's bringing you."

"I know… I'm just nervous," she said, finally stopping to sit beside him on the edge of the sofa. "I worked so hard for them… I want to do well."

"And you will," he assured. "I have every faith in you."

The noise of the letter box clattering shut made Christine jump up again and run for the front door. "Oh, my God, it's here…" she said as she looked down at the letter lying on the floor in front of her feet by the door.

"Come on, then," Erik called from the doorway to the drawing room, "Pick it up and we'll open it in here."

He certainly had the job of getting her to relax and open it cut out for him. She was practically frozen to the spot in the entrance hall, forcing him to gather the letter and Christine, herself, moving them all into the room they had previously been sitting in.

"Angel, you've been anticipating this since you got up this morning… since you sat the exams themselves, in fact. Open the letter," he urged.

"What if I've failed?" she asked meekly.

"Darling girl, you couldn't fail if you tried," he said, grasping her hands in his. "Do you want me to open it?" As she nodded, he carefully opened the envelope and removed the letter inside.

"AS Level exam results for Miss Christine Daaé on the CCEA board," he read, pausing to look up at her, "English: A… Art: A… Drama: A… And Music…"

"Erik, please… what did I get in Music?" she said as she looked at him pleadingly.

"Hmm, let me see… Music: A… What did you expect? Congratulations, my angel," he said as she squealed in delight and hugged him.

"Oh, I can't believe it… four As! I can't wait to tell my parents when they get home. Now, all I've got to do is wait for my Grade results."

"When are they due?"

"Start of September…"

And all too suddenly it was the start of September, the day before Erik and Christine were due to go back to school, in fact. For the seniors, school started back on the first Friday of the month though actual classes wouldn't start until Monday, so the two of them would be heading up there on the Thursday afternoon. Today was that Thursday…

Erik was in Christine's room, both of their suitcases lying on her bed as they had been helping each other pack. They were just about done and were just making sure they had everything they needed. Erik had to take slightly more than Christine did because she still had most of her things back at school but she helped him decide what he would need. She told him that he would have his own room in the boys' boarding house, though, it would not be as lavish as the one he currently had. He, however, was just glad that he would not have to share like he did at the care home.

Christine was glad of the conversation he provided to help keep her mind off of the fact that she would be at school again for another couple of months until the next holiday. Erik was glad of the comfort her company provided him now that the time was upon them that they'd be leaving. As it was, they would have to leave in under an hour if they wanted to get there before dark. Michael and Sarah would be driving them as both of them had taken a day's holiday to see them off.

Christine had mentioned that the juniors would already have started that day and, while the seniors went to school tomorrow, the juniors would have the day off. She had also told Erik that she would show him around when they got there and introduce him to the other boarders. Clearly, he was not entirely pleased about meeting them and had been quiet for some time towards the end of their packing.

"I think we're all done," Christine said. "Daddy is bringing the car around so we'd better take our bags downstairs."

After they'd been placed in the boot and Michael and Sarah had gotten in the front, Erik and Christine spent a moment looking up at the home they would miss. There would be no more playing in the music room to all hours of the night, no more spending their days doing little more than talking, and no more Michael and Sarah to look after them. At least, though, Erik mused, they had each other.

Getting in the back, the two of them sat close to each other – as close to each other as the two seatbelts would allow, of course – and Christine clasped Erik's hand on the seat between them.

"This is it," she murmured. "At least I am not alone this time. We have each other…"

"You will never be alone again, I swear it, Angel… We have each other," he repeated, "for ever and a day."

So… next chapter is their first day back at school… I know that we've covered a lot of ground in this chapter, but, considering that I plan the story to finish when they go off to university (alone or together – you will have to wait and see) then we have to get them back to school so their last year can start.