Chapter 7:

The two most annoying people in Dave Lister's mega-verse took the lead as they, Sam Carter and Kryten went to see if Holly's mainframe could help them in their search for any references to Goa'uld, Stargates or any other suspiciously significant details that might help SG-1 get back to their dimension.

The aforementioned annoying people, Arnold Judas Rimmer and Daniel Jackson, walked ahead in total silence, which was quite expected really. The only thing they had in common was… Umm... Err… That is...

Smeg it! They had nothing in common!

Daniel Jackson was a brilliant linguist and archaeologist who had unlocked the key to the human race being able to travel to the stars without the need for spaceships and Arnold Rimmer; well, he wasn't.

Brilliant that is.

His only claim to fame was a few minutes of pleasure and pizza with the concussed and massively disorientated Red Dwarf female boxing champion, Yvonne Magruder. Oh, and a mention in Who's Who under the "People who should never, ever; under any circumstances what so ever, be allowed to procreate" section.

But they both annoyed the living smeg out of Third Technician David Lister.

On the other hand, Kryten and Sam Carter were having a wonderful conversation.

"So; Major Carter, ma'am; it must be exciting travelling to distant worlds, meeting new people and exploring their cultures?"

"It sure is Kryten" said Carter who was enjoying a stimulating conversation; she just never expected to have one with a robotic toilet cleaner. "Most of the people we encounter are humans, kidnapped by the Goa'uld to be used as slaves and hosts, but occasionally we come across a distinctively different race of aliens, like the Asgard."

"You mean like the gods in Norse mythology, ma'am?"

"Exactly Kryten; we've actually met Thor, Odin and a host of other aliens who are known on Earth as Norse gods. Unfortunately we also meet some not so nice ones."

"Like the Goa'ulds you mentioned?"

"Yes" said Sam; "most of them took the names of Egyptian gods but also some of the really evil ones from other cultures; we even met a Goa'uld called Sokar who passed himself off as the devil."

"Not a very nice fellow I take was he, Major?" Kryten asked.

"He was one of the worst actually; him and Anubis. Sokar is a character I would rather forget." Sam said, hating the memory of being on Sokar's hell planet.

Before long they arrived at the mainframe and with the help of Holly soon had their dimension's Earth's histories and other relevant information up on a couple of vid screens.

"Well at least it's all in English" said Daniel excitedly. "On most of the planets we go to we have to determine which language the information we're looking at is in before we can translate it" as he sat on a chair and began his archaeological and historical search.

Carter however, being the brilliant science geek that she was, sifted through the massive amounts of technological information relating to Red Dwarf as well as any references to Stargates or Goa'ulds.

Rimmer sat on a seat with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting on his hands; his eyes staring off into nothingness like a love-sick puppy.

"Just think of it Kryten" said Rimmer dreamily, "aliens! Lots and lots of Aliens! I knew they had to be real!"

"Yes sir" said Kryten as he mechanically rolled his eyes, appearing like a slot machine; his pupils finally stopping on two lemons. "It seems not in our dimension though."

"Yes; but that's it! Maybe we can go back with them to their dimension. I'll join that SG thing and go off world hopping so I can meet aliens, real aliens who can give me a body, a real body!"

"But sir" said Kryten, hoping his 'laughing hysterically' chip didn't kick in soon; "what if they don't want you in their organisation? I'm sure they don't just let in any Tom, Dick or Arnold."

Rimmer looked at the mechanical man like he was mad.

"Are you mad!" exclaimed Rimmer, his nostrils flaring so wide Kryten was sure he was going to be sucked up into one of them at any moment. "They'd jump at the chance to have a man with my military experience on their team."

"And what experience would that be sir?"

Rimmer was shocked at the androids words. "Listen you expensive pencil sharpener; I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf for years now and I've lead us through dangers unsurpassed, committed deeds of daring…"

"Like when you gallantly tried to save us all by ejecting yourself in an escape pod when we were being threatened by psychotic rogue simulants, sir?"

"It was brave, and you bested that simulant didn't you?"

Kryten was at a point where he wished he wasn't programmed to never harm humans. He seemed to fall into a dream-like state where he caught a glimpse of his hands around Rimmer's throat and was throttling him like a rabid dog when he bounced back into consciousness.

"I… I… I… that is… You collapsed the superstructure of the ship sir, we nearly didn't make it!"

"But you did make it Kryten" said Rimmer all smug-git like.

Then Rimmer remembered the after mark of that event. "And I spent multiple lifetimes on a hell of my own making."

Kryten didn't comment after that. He knew it would take him at least a week for him to say 'Smeg Head!'

Rimmer walked over to the two members of SG-1 and asked "so did you find anything yet?"

Sam said she hadn't but Daniel seemed a bit flustered and said "I've just found the Space Corp Directives Manual. This is the most insane book I have ever read."

"What do you mean, Dr Jackson?" Kryten asked, confused.

"Show me, Daniel" said Carter as she moved over to his console.

"Look here; Space Corp Directive 43872!"

"Ah, yes" said Kryten. "Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only."

"That's impossible" said Sam.

"Not in the 23rd Century Major it isn't, or in your case, won't be" said Kryten.

"And this one" said Daniel disgusted; "actually, I don't even want to think about that one!"

Sam looked at the directive and said calmly "well actually, Daniel. I have to admit that that one makes perfect sense."

"It does; how?" Daniel said, perplexed and looking at Sam in a different light."

"Yea of course; who knows where those false teeth would end up if they got out?"