A/N: This will be the last chapter located in Sound as such. Sasuke, at this point in time, has just reached fifteen years old.
The Sound of Fear: Chapter 9
Sasuke never knew exactly what happened to Ren after that night. He's not sure if the man is braindead, scared to face him or prisonner in some deeper parts of the dungeons. Some part of him wants to care about the man's fate, the other part denies that he needs to get involved in something so dangerous again. That terrible night and the deepset guilt that Sasuke feels are firmly put in a box and locked away. Because Uchiha Sasuke won't be broken. Uchiha Sasuke has survived through too much goddamn shit to be brought down, to even be distracted from his goal. So fuck obsessive, Itachi-like ninjas, fuck too-kind, one-eyed teachers and fuck Naturo too.
Itachi can't be allowed to live. Every second more he breathes is an insult to the dead, an insult to justice. Itachi's betrayal, his self-absorption, his cruelty and ego have made him into something that's not quite human anymore. Itachi isn't Sasuke's big brother. He's a murderer. He lacks the basic human quality of a conscience to go along with his intellect. He's a psychopath. He never loved Sasuke, he never loved his mother and father. He was born with parts of him missing.
So what if he'd comforted his little brother time after time? So what if he'd smiled with true (false) feeling at his brother? So what if he'd felt warm and safe and close?
So what if Sasuke had loved him?
All it does is make things worse. All love does is make things hurt. Unlike Ren, Sasuke is no masochist. Sometimes you have to cut off part of yourself, push it back and make it not matter anymore. Otherwise it drags you down with pain and hurt and love. Sasuke did it with Itachi first, then Konoha and Naruto, and now with Ren.
In the end it's purely a matter of survival.
Sasuke wonders if he could remember how it feels to cry. He wonders if some day, he's going to have too many tears he forced back. Too much sorrow to shed over himself and others that he hasn't let out. He thinks so, because that night when Ren betrayed him, Sasuke had needed to cry. He'd needed to cry for himself and Ren, but not just that. He needed to cry for his parents and Tayuya and Naruto and the blond-girl in the coffin. It felt like a dam about to break. Then Orochimaru saved him.
The snake became a fucking savior in his cruelty. It was like a very hard slap that propelled him back into himself. Sasuke comes to the conclusion that some day, he's going to let go and just cry. But that moment in time will not come until he's killed Itachi. Until that time, Sasuke's entire life is put on hold.
For the moment, most of his free time is focused on learning about the curse seal and the mind-transfer technique. Nagraji is a great source of information on that side. What little time is left is used to force his mind to work on personal techniques Orochimaru doesn't know about (only because he's thankfully unable to read minds) and the Mangekyou. Even now, months after the shock wore off, Sasuke still doesn't understand how it manifested itself while Naruto is still alive. He doesn't understand why it did against Ren and not against Itachi. He doesn't understand how Ren could have used the last of his energy to mouth a lie...
There's a lot Sasuke just doesn't understand.
But there are things that he knows. He knows he's wanted Naruto dead, once. No matter how much the thought pains him now, it doesn't change that fact. He knows the Mangekyou is extremely powerful and that Orochimaru is right to be scared of it. He knows it adds another depth to every technique he performs now and at least he can now understand how Itachi beat him so effortlessly before. His Katon techniques feel easier, like breathing and Sasuke remembers being asked about black fire by Tsunade.
He dreams of it now. Activating the dormant mangekyou has oppened so many doors for Sasuke that his mind is still reeling.
Sasuke knows that a beast of fear, guided by the mangekyou, is a terrifying concept. He knows that technique of his is veryfucking dangerous. It is after all a beast made of feeling and chakra. What surprises Sasuke is that the wolf doesn't require a lot of Chakra to stay alive. It requires a lot of feeling in its master, but the chakra use is really just a light breeze to animate the already present feeling. It doesn't bring it to life, per se, just gives it enough of a tangible body to move. It's like creating spirits.
Tayuya told him about that in one of her unguarded moments. It's what first brought on the idea of the wolf. The girl explained to him that summoning spirits is just a matter of connecting with the intangible and giving it shape. She said it's one of the least and the most demanding shinobi arts. It requires the precision and strength of will to keep a hold on the summons, but they're basically independant, chakra-wise.
It makes Sasuke wonder if his beast of fear could ever break away from him and cause havock on its own. Spirits sometimes do. Rejecting that thought firmly, Sasuke reminds himself that the wolf's life, what it feeds on is its master's weakness, his fears. It's ironic that a beast made of someone's weakest point should be so damn powerful. It's ironic that Sasuke, who thought he couldn't admit to weakness, can channel so much fear into forming an actual being. He wonders if being happy would nullify the technique. That thought is dismissed very quickly. There will always be enough memories in Sasuke's mind to scare him badly enough.
Just in case, Sasuke wonders if he could make a beast of fury. He wonders if he could channel all of his anger at the world, at his brother, Ren, Naruto and Orochimaru into a fiery black lion. Or whether he could create a deep purple beast of pain from all of his anguish and boxed up hurt. The mangekyou tells him he could.
For the first time, the thought of slaying the legendary snake sannin doesn't sound completely impossible for a fifteen year old genin to do. It'll require more than just a couple of fancy new techniques to do it, but Sasuke thinks, knows that in the right time, with the right handicaps on Orochimaru and the right advantages for him, he can do it. He's going to need the element of surprise and a weakened Sannin, but it'll work.
Fighting the other nins around Sound is already starting to be sort of useless. Sasuke stills picks up the occasional technique or two by letting them attack first, but even the first stage of the Sharingan seems enhanced with the Mangekyou and it's that ten seconds fight all over again.
Sasuke hasn't slacked off on his physical training either, building up his stamina to keep up the speed he's capable of. He works on his muscle capacity, the ability to transform his speed into strength and power. He's grown a little larger around the shoulders, but they're remaining slim and tight, like most every part of his body. He's not a mass of corded muscle, he's tall and thin and hard. His build does not betray his power. As a matter of fact, many nins would think him physically weaker than he really is because there is no bulk, no built up muscle. Sasuke is all lines, proportions and speed.
The curse seal is another problem though. He feels as though the seal would demand to be used everytime he fights if it weren't for Kakashi's protection around it. He's seen the other nins activating theirs far too often for his liking. Those fights still present a challenge.
The seal eats away at a person's soul. It gives power, almost limitless, in exchange for everything that makes a person alive. It's a pact with the devil, inflicted upon people with enough pain to give in. Sasuke wonders if he ever mattered so little to himself that he sold himself to a demon for the power to kill his brother. His surroundings reflect the sad truth of it and even through the sadness it inspires, Sasuke still doesn't regret that choice. If a goddamn curse seal helps him kill Itachi, then good. That doesn't mean, however, that Sasuke is willing to give more to the devil than strictly necessary.
The boy is pacing in a large room, waiting to be taken to the Sannin for another day of training. The carpeted floor is a rich dark red and Sasuke's sandals don't cover enough of his feet to prevent him from feeling its pelt. It tickles as he walks, but he's been here often enough that it's easy to ignore. There are many mirors in Sound, but almost every surface of this room is covered with crystal reflections. It reminds him of Haku and that leads back to Naruto. Now Sasuke has given up being chidish about blocking memories of Naruto, but this is neither the place or time to remember the soft, teary look of pure relief on the blond ninja at seeng him rise. It certainly is not the right time to feel a pang of longing for the arms that cushioned his fall and definitely not the place to be missing Naruto's smile and his silly 'dattebayo'.
Sasuke sits on the blue cushions in the corner of the room. He picks at his sleeves and rearranges his clothing absently. He had, for a time, adopted the Sound uniform. But really... the purple bow serves no purpose but a decorative one and it does that very badly. Also, the light colors of the top give Sasuke the impression that he would see someone coming from a mile away in one of these. That he never sees Orochimaru coming is irrelevant. He just doesn't like its obviousness. It's nothing like bright orange, mind you, but still pretty bad in Sasuke's mind.
He's reverted back to a somewhat modified version of his black outfit. When working on camouflage, the pale skin of Sasuke's arms and legs flashes like a beacon in contrast to the black. So his clothing now covers every part of his body black, and it's tight enough that the material never accidentally scrapes something that Sasuke's body wouldn't. It's made for purely practical reasons, but no one is unaware of the fact that it enhances the boy's build and shows off his every asset. Sasuke himself thinks that detail irrelevant.
He's adopted a wolf-mask for training and generally wandering around, the porcelain finely crafted and painted black by the very best in Sound. He covers from his neck to his mouth with the same tight cloth than Kakashi does. Sasuke doesn't like his face to be seen around Sound. He doesn't want to be noticed and the mask serves only that purpose. The plain truth of it is that Sasuke very much dislikes having to wear one. The entire outfit is only a few weeks old and Sasuke is still adjusting to having his face covered. It fortunately fits him well enough that he doesn't have any additional blind spots, but the weight is different, and breathing through cloth permanently is hard. There's definitely growing respect for Kakashi on that aspect.
When Sasuke is fully dressed, the only spot of white on him is in his eyes, and he's not willing to risk affecting the Sharingan for something so minor. His cloth mask is on right now. The boy is forcing himself to get used to it so he tries to wear it day-in, day-out, but only ever manages during the first part of the day. His wolf is in his hand, dangling from its strings as Sasuke plays with them. He's used to the wait for Orochimaru's attention. The Sannin always asks him to be present at a ridiculously early hour only to make him wait until eight or nine in the morning. It's hours of time Sasuke could use perfecting his techniques, but complaining will get him nowhere, so he learns patience.
He looks at himself in one of the many mirors and puts on the wolfmask. Activating the Sharingan, Sasuke rises and steps closer to his image, locking eyes with himself. He looks like a demon. His posture is proud and arrogant as always, but the eyes flashing red through a perfect rendition of a wolf... now that's quite a sight. Sasuke wonders if he could somehow commit suicide through a miror and the Mangekyou. His eyes shift into the second level Sharingan before he can even complete the thought and Sasuke's looking at himself, his pupils a three-point shuriken.
It uses so much chakra to keep someone trapped, to force another being into believing the world he creates around them... Sasuke doesn't like the Tsukuyomi. He doesn't spend the time to build up a world like Itachi's. Sasuke uses the Mangekyou's power in a much less refined fashion, making someone believe they can't move or can't breathe is ruthless but effective. Itachi would never use it in such a raw way, Sasuke knows that. His brother is even more of a perfectionist than Sasuke is himself.
Activating the Mangekyou itself isn't as much of a strain as it used to be. Sasuke still wonders how he unlocked that ability within himself, both the manuscripts and Itachi were very explicit. You need to end the life of your best friend to activate the Mangekyou.
So why would it suddenly show up as a defense mechanism? It makes no sense whatsoever. Sasuke knows that acquiring the Mangekyou requires a great sacrifice that has to be willingly given, it has to be the life of the sharingan-user's best friend, offered through some fault of the user himself. The sharingan always takes more than it gives.
With a frown, Sasuke dismisses the red eyes. He wonders what happened, on a biological standpoint. He thinks on the fact that his body is naturally reluctant to use the newly acquired technique. He thinks on the fact that grief, murder and loss are the very basis of what awakens the Mangekyou, and of course Sasuke's been through that over Naruto. Each painful step of the way.
This isn't a gift. It's a curse. It's punishment for causing the death of your most loyal friend. Unable to stop himself, Sasuke's mind flashes to his arm fully buried through Naruto's body and how he should've died... Sasuke grieved him when he left. He gave a killing blow and he grieved over him. It can't be that simple, can it?
His eyes smart a little beneath the wolf and Sasuke removes it to rub at them, lightly massaging. His jaw is clenched, showing his left-over anger. The sight of Naruto impaled on his arm lingers on the back of his eyelids and Sasuke growls under his breath. The Mangekyou is a bloodright of his line, but Sasuke knows...
Every gift of the Uchiha is also a curse. Itachi is all the more cursed and that thought gives Sasuke enough anger and determination that he silently makes the vow to never use the Mangekyou again. He will not betray Naruto twice to curse himself some more. He will surpass Itachi in his own way. The second he opens his eyes after swearing to this, Sasuke feels like he finally gave the right reply to his father all those years ago. It feels like he's turning a page and reassuring his family that no, he won't follow Itachi's footsteps. He could, but he won't.
Orochimaru silently steps into the room, watching his young apprentice and masking his presence perfectly. There have been several changes in Sasuke's attitude recently and the Sannin does not like them. It feels like the boy is slipping from his grasp and that won't do. Either the boy stays here willingly, either he'll be forced to cooperate. The result will be the same and so the manner in which it's accomplished matters little. The fact that the boy discarded the Sound uniform and cut off his long hair hints towards a rebellion, but so far there's been nothing truly different to his actions. Orochimaru was always perceptive, however. Ever since that bothersome snow-nin caused the scene months ago, Sasuke's been seeing. He's been aware and planning. Orochimaru can smell it.
Tsk...
The fifteen year old needs to get his spirit broken like it was at first, when he couldn't think clearly past Sound and Revenge and the short-term future. He needs to get broken back to the twelve year old boy who had his eyes sewed shut.
"Come, Sasuke."
The surprise doesn't show on Sasuke's face at the sudden appearance of his teacher but his fingers twitch on the strings of his mask and his back straightens a little more. He obediently follows the snake through the known pathways leading to the first training area. It's a reproduction of the forest around Konoha and Sasuke knows what Orochimaru plans with training his ninjas in that environment. But for the time being, it doesn't matter. It feels too much like home for Sasuke to bother taking apart the thought.
"Today's lesson is about control, Sasuke-kun. How much control you can command over yourself in the most trying situations. This will not be easy."
Sasuke knew that since he first heard the word 'control' come out of Orochimaru's mouth. He quietly nods and listens, nothing to betray his thoughts. He focuses on breathing. In, out, slowly. It feels like a trap. It feels like more danger than he's felt since he came out of the shower and to Ren's insanity. His instincts tell him to run and run now but he can't do that.
Orochimaru stalks over to Sasuke, until they're so close the boy can smell the clean mix of death and fear that is the snake's breath. He doesn't move. Some part of his mind is giving into panic.
"You will be expected to remain still and relaxed." The last word's mocking edge has Sasuke's Sharingan come to life in and he can see Orochimaru's hand coming down with a syringe. It takes a split second and Sasuke's halfway across the room, into a tree and in a defensive position. He looks towards the doors, only to find them firmly bolted shut.
"Now, child, don't be unreasonable. You don't want to leave before we even start the lesson." Orochimaru is still where he stood, looking like an impatient mother who knows best. Sasuke has never been this scared of him, not even that first time he saw him in the Chunnin exam when he was sure his life would end.
He has to make a choice though. Can he really fight the Sannin, showing him all of his restored spirit, his open eyes and murderous intent? Can he be forced to let the snake know of his plans ahead of time? On Orochimaru's terms? The answer is no. There's still too much to do. About the curse seal, about the villagers of Sound, about Naruto and Konoha. Sasuke cannot afford to win this. It's months before the right time.
But can he really afford to lose?
His red eyes scan Orochimaru's frame, his relaxed stance and increasingly impatient look. He takes in the syringe and the kunai, the huge purple bow looking even more ridiculous on the snake's pale skin. Every instinct Sasuke has ever used screams at him that he can't give in, because the consequences will destroy him.
"Uchiha Sasuke, come down from there."
What to do, Kakashi? What the hell do I do now?
The whisper of strength that comes from Kakashi's answer all those months ago is enough for Sasuke to make his decision. He jumps down the branch and approaches the Sannin slowly.
tbc...
Some replies:
Artemis: Sasuke is fighting himself all the way through. I'm writing a few chapters ahead and he is still quite stubborn about it. (pointed look at Sasuke). It's funny that you touched on the breaking part in your comment because this chapter explores just that. I like Sasuke's self-awareness in this bit. That's a great asset for him. (gives you Sasuke plushie) Heh! Enjoy!