"No," Juliet said, dead-paned.
"No?" Shawn said, mock disappointment in his eyes. He tightened his grip around her hand and stuck out his bottom lip when she looked at him.
"Absolutely not!" Juliet said, rolling her eyes at his childish pout, "I'm not naming my child Gus!"
"But why not?"
"Shawn, we get plenty of the actual Gus. Wouldn't that be confusing if you had a child named Gus as well?" The pair continued walking down the sidewalk, taking in the fresh air.
Juliet's OB-GYN, or "The Baby Lady" as Shawn affectionately called her, had told her to slow down on the running, cutting her normal speed and distance in half but leaving her with plenty of leftover energy by the end of the day. She had finally convinced Shawn to start going on walks with her after work, despite his protests of the potential dangers of wild animals.
"Besides," Juliet said, swinging Shawn's hand back and forth, "We still don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet."
"C'mon, son," Shawn said, clicking his tongue at Juliet and placing his free hand gently on her growing stomach. "My dad was one of two boys, my grandpa was one of five boys. Spencer's have boys."
"I could still be a girl," Juliet sang to him, smiling. "It's still fifty/fifty, either way."
She felt cautiously optimistic, talking about having a baby with Shawn again. They were still afraid to tell anyone, besides Lassiter, and that had been mostly unintentional. She didn't even know if he heard her.
She wasn't sure how much longer she could hide it though. She was getting bigger each day. Her small frame and distinct lack of curves where her breasts used to be made her growing belly more obvious as the weeks ticked by on her tracker app. She was running out of baggy shirts and loose suit jackets to wear to work. And her pants were on their last week or so themselves.
They still weren't ready yet. This was their secret, and they didn't want to get anyone's hopes up but their own. They had tried to keep their hopes contained as well, but with each passing day of baby names and nurseries, their hope was flying away in tiny pink and blue balloons.
Gleeful screams began to fill the air around them. They turned the corner and saw children running around, chasing each other on the play equipment and jumping off the swings.
"That's gonna be you one day," Juliet said, nodding in the direction of a man holding his daughter up to the monkey bars, supporting her weight as she methodically reached for the next bar.
"Uh, my children won't need any help doing the monkey bars. They will be born with hulk-like strength and be able to do them all by themselves by five, maybe six months old tops."
"I hate you, Mommy!" a small voice screamed on the edge of the park and a little figure began running away.
"Oh my gosh!" Juliet exclaimed, pulling on Shawn to get him to walk faster. She looked over to where the voice had come from and saw Marlowe sitting on the ground, her legs sprawled out and her head folded over into her hands. "That's Lily!"
"I'll go get her, you take care of Marlowe," Shawn said, giving Juliet's hand a quick squeeze before jogging towards the bushes that Lily had hidden behind.
Juliet quickly picked up the pace, trying to reach Marlowe as fast as her partially swollen feet would let her.
"Marlowe!" Juliet yelled as she approached. She crouched down to sit next to Marlowe, wrapping her arms around the other woman and letting her cry into her chest.
"Shhhh, shh." She soothed, rubbing Marlowe's back. "It's okay, she didn't mean it,"
"Yes, she did," Marlowe cried between gasps of air. "I am the worst mother ever and she has every right to hate me. What kind of mother have I been, abandoning her at your house and Karen's house to be with Carlton? Not letting her see her own dad?"
"You're doing the best you can. No one is expecting you to do better."
"But she is!" Marlowe looked up and Juliet, her eyes puffy and exhausted, from more than just crying. "I've failed her. I let her down."
"You are taking this one day at a time, just like the rest of us. But no one has more riding on this than you do. You are the most important person in her life. She loves you so much. You have to know that."
"She just wants her father. And she can't even see him because he's not ready to see her. He barely wants me there."
"I'm sure that's not true."
"He told me to leave yesterday. He's so sad and frustrated and embarrassed. He doesn't want me to see him like this, but he doesn't get it. I'm just so happy to see him. I don't care if he never walks again. And I'm sure Lily feels the same way. We just want him to come home."
"You remember when I was sick, right?"
"I mean, I wasn't exactly around for much of it, but yes, I remember."
"Do you want to know what you missed?" Juliet asked, speaking slowly as Marlowe began to calm her breathing and just listen. "You missed me being embarrassed. And sad and frustrated and a million other emotions at any given moment. Emotions that swam around my head, making it impossible to truly make sense of anything. And I couldn't accept help. I didn't want to be looked at differently because I hadn't yet accepted that I was different."
She took a breath and waited for Marlowe to process.
"So for months, I pushed everyone away time and time again, and thank goodness they kept pushing their way back in and helping me. I may not have been in a place to appreciate it then, but I do now. And I know for a fact that I could not have made it through that nightmare without them- Shawn, Gus, Karen, Carlton," she nudged Marlowe and smiled at her.
"He notices what you're doing, and he appreciates it. I promise. He is just feeling so much right now that he can't even process it. But don't stop being there for him. One day he'll open up to you. Just give him time. He probably hasn't even opened up to himself yet."
"Thank you, Juliet," Marlowe said, leaning back into Juliet's arms. "For everything. I'll never be able to repay you."
Juliet was about to respond when they heard footsteps approaching. They looked up and saw Shawn walking over, hand-in-hand with Lily. She was looking down at the ground, her pale cheeks flushed.
"I'm sorry, Mommy," Lily said, taking a step forward and putting her hands on her mom's shoulders. "I don't hate you."
Juliet met Marlowe's eyes and nodded, affirming everything she had just said.
"I know you don't, baby girl," Marlowe said, wrapping Lily in a hug and giving her a kiss on the forehead. "I'm sorry you feel frustrated and scared. I do too, sometimes."
"You do?" Lily asked, her eyes getting wide in shock.
"I do," Marlowe said, nodding at Lily, not breaking eye contact. "And that is okay. It's okay to feel sad and scared. Even when you're a Mommy or a Daddy."
"Like Spencer and Auntie Julie are going to be?" Lily asked.
Marlowe looked up, stunned. Juliet shot Shawn a look, but she was smiling.
"C'mon Lil Lassie! You're blowing our secret!" Shawn said, exaggerating crossing his arms over his chest.
"Are you?" Marlowe asked, beaming.
Juliet nodded and accepted a tight hug from Marlowe
"Oh my gosh! You really are pregnant!" Marlowe exclaimed, feeling Juliet's baby bump through her shift when they embraced. She pulled back and put her hand on Juliet's stomach. "How far along are you?"
"Four and a half months."
"I can't believe this!" Marlowe said, but her gushes were interrupted by Lily tapping on her shoulder.
"Mommy, can I go play?" She whispered loudly in Marlow's ear.
"Of course, baby," she said, sighing as Lily ran to the playground to play with the other kids.
"Listen, don't take what Lily said too seriously," Shawn said, sitting on the other side of Marlowe. "Four-year-olds say things they don't mean all the time. This one time, when Gus and I were four, I told him I would never speak to him again if he didn't help me ride the dolphins."
"Shawn, you said that to him last week!" Juliet said, shaking her head.
"Well, I said it when I was four too. And look at us now! We're closer than we've ever been despite him never helping me ride a dolphin."
"I just…" Marlowe sighed and dropped her hands to the ground in defeat. "I don't blame her. She hasn't seen her dad in over a month, other than one poorly timed incident," she said, shifting her eyes to Shawn who looked away. "I can't imagine what that must be like for her- especially at her age. She doesn't understand what's happening and I have no idea how to explain it to her. She misses him- we both do."
"I have to go," Shawn said, jumping up suddenly and giving Marlowe a quick pat on the shoulder before kissing Juliet on the forehead. "I'll meet you at home."
Juliet and Marlowe watched Shawn jog quickly away from the park. Marlowe's eyes met Juliet's who shrugged in response.
"Listen, you will make it through this, and so will she. And so will Carlton. And you will be a stronger family because of it."
"Okay," Marlowe said softly, and Juliet could see tears filling up Marlowe's eyes.
"Hey, hey, hey," Juliet said, wrapping her arms around Marlowe once more. "You can do it, I believe in you."
Marlowe nodded against Juliet's shoulder and let out a soft laugh. "Having kids is great, you'll love it."
Juliet laughed and patted Marlowe on the back. "I know I will."