A/N:
It's school holidays and I'm doing requests for people. Want to make up an idea for a plot of a certain chapter? Want me to write you a oneshot? Just PM or review.
THIS CHAPTER IS FOR COLLIN!
Kyo's imaginary best friend.
THE IDEA FROM THE INTERVIEW COMES FROM… Saa-chan.
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This sucks.
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Haru thinks I'm crazy now, because I called him Collin. If only he knew who Collin was…
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"Who's Collin?"
"Oh so NOW you wanna talk to me, huh? First I was too STRANGE to be spoken to. Next it was I'm too OLD to be spoken to. Then it was- Hey! Come back!"
"Are you gonna tell me, or not?"
"Okay. Collin is a nice name, so I invented an imaginary friend and called him Collin."
"… MUST YOU FILL THIS HOUSE WITH LIES?"
"Okay! I lied! I got him from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends! Dammit!"
"…"
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Collin knows who he is though. Because he IS him.
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What's that Collin? You want to give me a tuna?
Do it, then.
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"I don't get a thanks or anything, do I?"
"No."
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At school the other day, I came on my hand and wiped it on teacher's chair.
When she sat down and stood up, I whistled and said,
"Who's makin' ya feel hot? Someone I know?"
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"Mr. Sohma! I don't appreciate comments like that! Who put this sleaze on my chair anyway?"
"…"
"KYO SOHMA! Principal's office… NOW!"
"It wasn't me. It was Collin."
"…"
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I told Collin in the morning that I invented him that I would always use him to get out of things.
Well!
At least I told him!
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"This 'Collin' thing has to stop, Kyo…" (Hatori)
"Unless he's your… boyfriend." (Stupid Rat)
"I think it's cute that you have a friend of your own!" (…Guess)
"SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE!" (Akito)
"Collin wants to have foursome. Wait, what's that? He wants me to take his place." (Me)
"…" (All)
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That was a fun day.
Tohru died!
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"I'm right here Kyo- mmmmph!"
"Hush now. No one needs to know you're alive…"
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"Was that a body I saw you throw in the cupboard under the stairs?"
"No. It was a sausage. No! A donkey. NO! An ASS."
"…"
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But then, Yuki wouldn't leave me alone about the body.
And if Collin ws my boyfriend.
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"Is Collin your boyfriend?"
"No."
"Is he?"
"No."
"Is he?"
"I don't know Yuki. Is he? Do you know?"
"No."
"That's because YOU'RE my boyfriend."
"…"
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THAT shut him up.
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Collin had to comfort me, later on.
He told me his life story.
Which was only 10 seconds long, because he has a short memory.
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"I was born. I met you. I hate Yuki and leeks. The end!"
"Yay! Collin is best!"
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But, I will never forget the time that Akito sent the exterminator over to murder Collin and dump his body in a river. I wanna damn her!
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But I can't, because I'm cursed.
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"NO! YOU CAN'T TAKE COLLIN! HE'S MY BESTEST EVER FRIEND EVER!"
"That's exactly why he must go. You don't deserve friends!"
"(crying)"
"Aww hell! Kyo, don't cry. Please. Stop blubbering. You look like a loser."
"(stops)"
"I'M STEALING COLLIN!"
"NoooooOOOOOoooOOOoooOOOooooOOOoooOOOOoooOOOooo!"
"Yes"
"…"
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The exterminator poisoned him. I cradled his body until he died.
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"Collin…"
"Goodbye Kyo. Thanks for teaching me… me… (coughs) sex."
"COLLIN! NOOO!"
"…(dead)"
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Of course, it wasn't long until I was over Collin and had a new friend. Except everyone could see him. His name was Spandex. He's a little green alien.
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"Yo Kyo, mah man! What's happening?"
"Nothin' much, just watching porn, reading porn, thinking of porn…"
"Introduce me to ya housemates!"
"Okay. Lets see… Tohru!"
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Tohru came running in, at this point.
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"Yes?"
"Meet Spandex. He's green. See him? Aint he cute? (strokes lovingly)"
"…Uhh… I'm going to call Hatori… stand very still Kyo…"
"Okay! Bye!"
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Spandex later informed me that he had to leave, via Shigure's ass, to his home planet. He had to save the world from microscopic BANANA SLUGS before they ate everyone's balls. Yah.
That was angst.
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"Oh Well, Kyo! You still have us! Tohru, Uo and Hana! And all the Sohma's too!"
"You really have no idea what's going on, do you?"
"No! I'm too high from morphine to think! Yay!"
"…"
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That-ta girl.
You're gonna grow big and strong.
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I heard from a reliable source that my English voice actor is crazy. Isn't that wonderful?
He said to everyone-
"In closing...it's just a character. If you see me on the street, don't worry. I want to be your friend."
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As if I would wanna be anyone's friend. Sheesh.
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Why does he have to have the same voice as me?
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It would be A LOT-FUCKING-EASIER if I had my own voice box.
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But I can't, because I'm cursed.
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I did math the other day.
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It was… fun, I guess.
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"I like math. I wanna add you, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply! But I can't, because I'm cursed. Oh well, it was fun seeing the hilariously excited look on your face. Bye now! Take care!"
"…"
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A/N:
Well. That was slightly more decent that the last.