The Real World: Rurouni Kenshin

by esyTV

This is the true story...of seven strangers, picked to live on a cruise ship, work together, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real!

5. Episode 4 Out of Range

Episode 4: Out of Range

Part 1

just the thought
of our bed
makes me crumble like the plaster
where you punched the wall beside my head
and i try
to draw the line
but it ends up running down the middle of me
most of the time

KENSHIN

Perhaps sneaking out of the room wasn't the best signal I could give Kaoru, when she finally woke up, but I have problems with staying in bed after I've awoken in the morning. It's the same problem that makes it so I can't take naps in the middle of the day, my mind just keeps saying "You should be doing something", then it goes through a tedious list of what it is I should be doing. That morning it didn't really list anything too important, but it still decided that 5 hours was enough sleep. It was times like this that I was thankful for having little to no hangovers, no matter how much I drank.

Aoshi had still been asleep when I woke up, which wasn't unusual, but the way he was sprawled out on his stomach with one arm hanging off the side of the bed was quite out of the norm and very amusing. He never did sleep very well when he drank.

Kaoru was still curled up on my chest, a sensation that I really did melt in. Her body felt so nice just nestled against me in complete trust and almost vulnerability. I really did want to stay there a while, basking in the connection shared, but my muscles were starting to get agitated. That was when I decided I better get out of the room, before I woke both of them up to their hangovers.

I cradled Kaoru's head in my pillow, pried her hand from my shirt gently, and kissed her forehead before I started a quiet morning routine. I pushed Aoshi back on the bed so he didn't decide to topple over once I left the room, then made my way down the hall to the deck. The weather didn't look promising, but somehow it didn't effect me as much as it usually did, which made me smile.

Kaoru shared something so intimate with me and yes, I felt horribly for her, yes I wanted to help her somehow, and yes I wanted to beat Danko to a bloody pulp, but somehow the thought that she trusted me enough to tell me that story was enough to lift my spirits instead of make me depressed. Maybe it meant that I could help her where I could never help myself.

MEGUMI

Sunlight poured through the small window of my cabin and despite my best efforts to make it go away- mostly punctuated by the frustrated waving of my hand in the general direction of my eyes- it remained steadfastly glaring down into my room.

After a few wasted moments of hand waving... and allowing myself to feel extra lazy by rolling over onto my side in an last ditch attempt to prolong waking up... I pulled myself into a sitting position and gazed balefully out the window.

Last night felt like ages ago.

Kaoru-chan drunk. Babbling. Ranting.

The roosterhead the culprit.

Idiot.

I pushed the thin blanket aside, slid my feet over the silk sheets and onto the cold floor.

Drama. Last night was one hysterical drama.

Melodrama. That's was a better word.

Not that I didn't have my own part to play in it, of course.

I forced myself to my feet, stumbled around the room for a bit and made my way to the shower. The water was fantastically cold, even woke me up somewhat.

Miwako said my...

I bit my lip slightly.

My fiancé... not that I accepted the engagement, but...

Miwako, my dear older sister, said that my fiancé was looking for me. That I should wait and see the incredible method he's come up with for finding me.

Well...

I ran peach scented conditioner through my hair.

I don't think I want to dwell on him at the moment. Far too much melodrama. Far too early in the morning.

I finished dressing, matching my short white sundress with a pair of strappy sandals, and holding the blow-dryer poised over my hair, checked the map for today's destination.

Port Kelang, Malaysia.

I slipped my cellphone and any other necessary accoutrements into my straw handbag... a granola bar or two, a map, my sunglasses... and made my way to the main deck.

Port Kelang, hmm? Sounds like a plan.

Actually, it didn't quite matter to me where we ended up today. I just needed some time alone to think. Stroll around the port, drink whatever local drink they offered up, maybe buy some kind of jewelry.

Just be alone and think.

About Miwako.

About this fiancé of mine.

Maybe about the roosterhead.

Passengers were gathering around the deck, getting increasingly ecstatic as the ship came closer and closer to the port.

I unwrapped one of my granola bars, gazed out at the ocean through my dark shades.

A day of solitude would certainly be welcome.

Well... the best laid plans...

An all too familiar voice came up behind me.

SANO

She didn't jump when I sauntered up behind her, which disappointed me slightly. Always on her toes, she was.

"Good morning, miss," I flashed her my most charming smile, and I could tell she was making an effort not to return it. "Lovely weather, isn't it?" I ran a hand through my tousled hair and she raised an eyebrow.

She surveyed the world around her. "If you call cool and foreboding 'lovely.'"

I laughed, shoved my hands deep into my pockets and walked backwards in front of her. She was avoiding my gaze. I could tell she was still annoyed with me about the night before. Yeah, I felt bad about being a jerk, but I really didn't mean any harm by it. Unfortunately, Megumi seemed like the type who held grudges. "Oh, I do, it's kind of like you."

She scoffed, quickened her pace and passed me on the deck. I caught up with her in a few large strides, curving my arm casually around her slim waste. She smelled good. Her hair was wet and her skin still warm and slightly pink from the shower… I shook my head slightly to avoid sensory overload. "Hey, no need to bite, that was a compliment, I just called you lovely." I stretched that last word, let it roll off my tongue like butter.

She frowned, removing herself from my side and held her hands up to emphasize our separation. "You also called me cool and foreboding," she pointed out testily.

"Minor details," I purred as I paused in my movement, leaned on one leg and cocked my head slightly. "Do you think that's untrue?" I bit my lip to keep from grinning. I think perhaps I like her best when she is ruffled. She whirled around at that, her hands fisted at her sides and a few long strands of ebony hair fell in front of her eyes. Mmm, wet and ruffled.

"Excuse me?" she spat, backing up each pace I approached her.

"Come on, Fox, why the cold shoulder? I apologized last night. I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand…"

She dismissed that statement with ease and narrowed her eyes menacingly. "Foreboding?"

I faltered, and with a humph she turned away from me and continued on her way.

Scrambling, I jogged to catch up, a million explanations ran through my head. How honest did I want to be with this woman? Because she didn't seem to be fond of bullshit.

"I just meant…" I furrowed my brow in thought. Say the wrong thing and you're excommunicated, it seemed. Two steps forward, three steps back. "You make me nervous," I blurted out, my volume rose with my desperation. "I can't seem to say what I mean around you. You are intimidating."

MEGUMI

I almost laughed at his earnest admission.

Almost.

I covered by taking a bite out of my granola bar, chewing slowly. He stared at me, almost imploringly, waiting for an answer.

Intimidating?

I remember a guy- a boy really- back in high school had said the same thing about me. He had worked up the nerve to ask me out. I was an upperclassman. He was a freshman. I suppose that might have been construed as intimidating.

A sweet gesture on the part of the boy, really, with his flowers and his pretty words. In the end, I turned him down. I wasn't interested in a boy trying to work the words of a man.

But this was different.

The roosterhead wasn't a boy. Physically, he was a very fine man. Mentally...

He's a mess of contradictions.

I still need to get to know him.

He seems to have the capacity to be very sweet. He also seems to bury that sweetness in layers of jocular attitude.

He was still staring at me, waiting for an answer. His brown eyes shined with a brightness I could hardly comprehend and it was all I could do to not tear my own eyes away.

I was glad to be wearing sunglasses.

"Now docking at Port Kelang, Malaysia!" A crew member gestured to where the gangplank was being lowered and the crowd started jostling their way over, seemingly anxious to get their land legs.

I shoved the rest of the granola bar in my straw bag, made a face as a passenger pushed by me in a rush to get to the gangplank.

"If I'm intimidating," I found myself saying before I really had the time to think it through, "then you just have to get to know me better."

My eyebrow twitched slightly. Had I just said that?

Sano's eyes sparkled and he opened his mouth to reply.

Another passenger shoved into me and before I could regain my bearings, I stumbled forward, tripping headlong into the roosterhead.

Oh... smooth.

SANO

I reached out and caught her easily but I made sure to fist my hands as I did. My hands had been known to… wander… subconsciously, of course. Something told me Megumi wouldn't take that too well.

She blushed and I smiled, steadied her carefully and loosened my hands so I could run them down her arms slowly. She straightened, and I noted absently what a perfect height she was for me. When we both stood straight, the natural place to look would be right into her eyes, and when she got her footing a little better and slide down away from my chest, it was clear how perfectly we fit together. I wondered how long it would take me to convince her of that so we could get to the good stuff.

"Alright," I said softly, brushing some dust that wasn't there off her shoulders. "I'll get to know you better…" I linked my arm with hers and motioned towards the gang plank. "Walk with me?"

YAHIKO

I spotted Kenshin on the deck, leaning against the railing and staring ahead at the port of what I was told to be Kelang. His hair was partially hanging over his shoulder and carelessly waving in the wind. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but that guy had something feminine about him. Not effeminate, no, feminine in an attractive way, and it was not just the hair and where the hell are my thoughts taking me? Tsubame was the main case here, not Kenshin and his hair.

I shook my head and took a few moments to collect my jumbled thoughts. In the first place I should try to figure out how to broach the subject without seeming too desperate. A boy of eighteen years old asking a friend for some love advice, nothing wrong with that. A boy of sixteen years old pretending to be eighteen years old confessing to a friend that he's still a virgin, that's something else. How should I handle it?

Alright now, Yahiko. Just go to him, start talking and see where it gets you. Summoning all my courage, I listened to my common sense and just went for it.

"Eh… Kenshin?" I said, gingerly tapping his shoulder. He turned his head and gave me that typical charming smile.

"Yahiko? What's the matter?" he said. "Not suffering too much of a hangover, are you?"

"No, that's quite alright, actually." This was awkward. Even though the guy wasn't all that tall himself, I still had to look up to him, and that made me feel all the more insecure. "Could I talk to you for a moment?" I said.

"Sure."

Apparently I still wasn't over my seasickness yet. I felt a little lightheaded and could feel the nausea rising in my stomach. Why did I take this trip again? Oh yeah. Chicks.

"Let's take a seat," I said, motioning with my head to a few lounge chairs on the deck.

We both took a seat and with a deep breath I started my story. "Kenshin, do you remember that girl you wanted me to butter up for the drinking game?"

Kenshin's eyes narrowed in thoughts and then widened again as the proverbial light bulb kicked into action. "Oh yeah. Tsubame was her name, I believe. Feel the butterflies tickling there, Yahiko?" he added with a sly grin.

"Yeah, sort of," I smiled nervously. Seemingly he hadn't heard of my, shall we call it, misstep at the end of the drinking game yet. "In fact, it's not just some butterflies tickling. It's a lot more than that. See, I knew this girl for a long time, and we've grown pretty close to each other. The thing is that I pretty much messed up last night."

"Oh?" Kenshin queried, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah… You see, I was rather drunk, and when she came in to ask if she could clear the table already, I just went up to her and asked her if she wanted to go to bed with me." Gods, this was embarrassing. Judging by the feeling of my cheeks, I must've been blushing profusely. "At least, that's what happened as far as I can remember. She must be pretty angry with me now. But you know, Kenshin, it was the truth. If I wouldn't have been drunk, I would've asked her anyway, only in a more subtle way, and not in front of all those people. Those feelings are genuine, and I… I really do long for her," I whispered, timidly looking down.

"And she doesn't want to," Kenshin said, nodding his head in understanding and putting a supportive hand on my shoulder.

"No."

"Well, you must think in a positive way, Yahiko. Walking up to her in a state of drunkenness and asking her to go to bed with you indeed isn't the most clever thing to do, but you have to say to yourself that you are the best boyfriend a girl could have."

"See, that's funny," I said, looking up again. "She told me the exact same thing, that I probably was the best boyfriend a girl could ever wish for."

"So, then what's the problem?"

"It just makes me all the more confused. If she says that, then why doesn't she want to start a relationship with me?"

Kenshin tilted his head and for a moment looked up in the sky, as if he would find the answer there. "Then it's obvious," he smiled eventually with a sunny face. "She doesn't long for you."

I looked at him with my best Oh-come-on-now-face. "Kenshin, you're supposed to help me here, not to put me further down."

He playfully ruffled my already messy hair and laughed. Yes, he laughed. "I was only joking, Yahiko. But to be honest, I don't think I can be much of a help about that. Listening to your story, I think it's up to you to find out just what's it that's bothering her and stopping her from starting a relationship with you. Go talk to her. Okay?"

"Okay," I sighed, lowering my eyes again. "But Kenshin…"

"Yeah?"

"There is still another thing." And please don't laugh about this one.

"What?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Boy, that sounded convincing. "I can really trust you, right?"

"Yes Yahiko. Go ahead, say what's on your mind," Kenshin said, shifting in his chair, probably to hide the fact that he was running out of patience.

I took another breath for courage and looked him into the eyes. "I'm still a virgin, what should I do?" I whispered, sending him a mental wish not to make fun of me for this and not to tell anyone, especially not Tsubame.

KENSHIN

I tried not to smile with too much amusement at his naiveté. I didn't want him to think I was laughing at him. When I guy confesses such a thing, especially in the context of asking for help, they usually become hyper sensitive and take almost anything as an insult. I wasn't quite sure why he came to confess to me, but then again I supposed Aoshi and Sano weren't the best choices either.

"First of all, don't think of it as a bad thing," I said gently, raising one eyebrow. "Virginity isn't something you have to get rid of, it's something you give. As campy as that sounds, its true."

"You're right," he replied nodding. "That is campy."

I chuckled and nodded along with him, tilting my head to the right so I could watch the ocean. "Yes, but some of the cheesiest lines of wisdom are true. You grow stronger through pain, there is a balance of good and evil, and love isn't something you can force, it's something you find."

"You're just full of these lines aren't you?"

He was insulting me, but only half-heartedly and I knew it was helping him overcome his embarrassment. I gave him a wink. "I'm good with words, what can I say? But I try to speak the truth and try to speak what I know. So I'm not sure how much I can help you. I lost my virginity when I was..." I paused, looking down for a moment. I wasn't quite sure if Yahiko would be comfortable with me using my first time with Fukumi to compare. After a moment and a breath, I continued. I hoped Yahiko didn't see through this half lie I was about to confess. "My first time was when I was 16. I had only been dating the girl for a few days and we just wanted to see what it was like." I smiled softly at him. It wasn't a complete lie. I lost my virginity to Fukumi, but I did have my first time with a girl about a half a year after Fukumi and I broke up. "Not the highlight of my sexual experience." Neither were.

"It was bad?"

"Well, I didn't love her, I barely even had any feelings for her. And while I've had many other partners like that...they aren't satisfying. They're pleasurable at the time, but afterward...its like you gave a part of your body to an inanimate object. You might be one of the lucky ones though."

He looked up at me hopefully, his young age shining through. "Lucky ones?"

"She likes you beyond lust. So her not desiring you might be what you need. I'm not much older than you so I know how crazy your hormones are, but you can't be selfish or you could lose something important; Tsubame, your pride, or if she's violent...something else." I grinned and Yahiko laughed at that. "There's more to people than our sex, you have to look for that extra part that makes us human, you have to want that just as much as you want her body. It doesn't seem like she wants sex from you, although I don't know her well enough to say that confidently, but I can tell she wants to be with you. So maybe you need to want her beyond lust, before she'll want you in lust. On any accord, don't rush it just because you still dwell over the word virgin. Does any of this makes sense or am I rambling needlessly?"

YAHIKO

I didn't do much else than staring at the guy while my brains digested his words. Really, it was a relief to have it off my chest. I didn't expect though, that he would start revealing things about his own first time. To be honest, it felt good to know he trusted me enough to talk about such things. He had talked about "growing stronger through pain", and while this was my first actual one to one conversation I had with him for as far as I can remember, I had seen pain flitting through his eyes more than once on this trip. I had a slight presentiment that what I was experiencing, was only mild discomfort compared to the story hiding behind him.

"Yahiko? Hello there," he smiled, waving a hand in front of my absent eyes.

I slightly jumped. "Kenshin. Yes, of course it makes sense." I smiled back at him and, just out of nowhere, felt the upcoming urge to give him a hug, which I did, much to his surprise, I think. "Thank you, Kenshin. It really means a lot to me you want to help me with this."

"No problem, buddy," he said. "Just make sure to let me know if there's any progress, okay?"

I let him go and watched as he stood. "Will do."

"So, are you joining me to the port?"

"No, I think I'm gonna catch up with you later," I said, looking up at him and shielding my eyes for the sun. "I have to think about it for a few moments."

"Okay. See you then."

Heaving a sigh, I rested my chin on both my hands. I need to want her beyond lust. I did want her beyond lust. She wasn't just something to cool down my raging hormones. No, she was a person I loved more that anything. I would never hurt her, mentally or physically. But I did. I did hurt her with my stupid, drunk head. Apologies would be in order, I knew that. I had ruined the trust she had in me, and only when she would accept my apologies, we could start to rebuild that trust, piece by piece. But that wouldn't be enough. I needed to grow stronger, not only emotionally, but also physically. Wait now. Didn't Kaoru say she knew kendo? Maybe I could ask her to teach me. Tsubame would be glad to know she had someone to protect her whenever necessary.

Where was Kaoru? I looked around, but couldn't see her. Already somewhere among the other passengers, queuing up to get off the boat, probably. Alright now, things to do: apologizing to Tsubame and asking Kaoru to teach me kendo. I didn't know how long we would be on land, and I didn't know whether Tsubame would stay on the boat or not. So, what should I do first? Whatever comes first, Yahiko. Whatever comes first.

SANO

It was a pretty nice town, fairly crowded touristy streets lined with cafes and street vendors . The active buzz of the crowds made the atmosphere cheerful, despite the ominous overcast sky. We were about a mile from the ship now, and the bustle of the crowds had kept our conversation to a minimum. It was hard to say much of anything with all of the jostling people and shouting merchants, and the combined desire for quiet and the rumble in my stomach prompted me to look for some place to eat.

"Oi," I said, slinging one arm across Megumi's shoulders, aware of the glare she shot me under her dark glasses. "Let's get some breakfast. My treat. You pick where."

Megumi removed her glasses, they were probably just making it hard to see with the weather how it was, and rolled her eyes. "Such complex sentences, Tarzan."

I grunted. "Me hungry. Have shiny coins for trade. You find food."

She smirked, her eyes scanning the streets, finally settling on a rather upscale looking place. Ah, testing me, huh? "How about there?" she suggested slyly. "But maybe they don't serve roosters?"

I scoffed, tightening my arm around her and steering her towards the place. "I wouldn't worry about that. The question is, do they serve strumpets?"

She smacked my arm. "Charming."

I got us a table by the window, and in a few minutes we were surveying the menus. Megumi was scheming again, I could tell the way she flicked her hair behind her shoulders and wrinkled her eyebrows. "Your treat, huh?" she then ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.

"You like squid?" I raised an eyebrow, but she nodded sagely. I turned to the waiter. "Make that two."

She smiled slowly, swirling her drink. "Shiny coins indeed."

I stretched, giving her a wink, then leaned my elbows on the table, closing the distance between us significantly. "So!" I grinned. "What's it like going to med school?"

She looked suspicious at the sudden change to civil conversation. "Well, I comes from a family line of doctors dating since before the Meiji Era… it's expected that I would also join the profession. My older sister is a doctor and my older brother is doing his residency." She took a long sip of her drink. "Luckily," she added "I do actually want to be a doctor."

"Yeah?" I said, impressed. "Well, I come from a long line of professionals, too." She looked curious, and I grinned again, running a hand through my hair. "Mechanics." I sat back in my chair, studying her carefully, the slant of her neck, her high cheek bones, her dark hair tucked behind her ears. I was careful to keep my eyes from the scooped neckline of her shirt, she was the type who would notice any leering I did.

"So," she said after a moment, calling my attention back to her face. Just thinking about not looking made me look, damn it. "Do I pass inspection?"

"Hm…?"

"You're the mechanic," she sighed.

"Ah no," I said sheepishly. She scowled. "No no, I don't mean you don't pass, I mean I'm not a mechanic. I said I come from a line of mechanics, but what can I say, I'm a rebel." Smooth. "So," I said, quickly changing the subject. "How come you don't have a boyfriend?"

She shook her head, tapping her nails against the table. "Gee, I don't know. How come you don't have girlfriend?"

"Ah, I just got out of prison, remember? Not a whole lot of ladies there." Not the best impression either, hot shot. Future doctors and jail bait? "Um… so is your family all about marrying within the profession?"

She shook her head again, growing increasingly amused as my apparent intelligence decreased by the minute. "I'm not planning on rushing to the alter any time soon."

We played the ordering game for a while, seeing how much she could make me spend. After a couple of glasses of wine each (it was morning), and a few desserts a piece (again, it was morning), and more than a few odd looks from the waiter, we waddled out of the establishment, our stomachs a few pounds heavier and my wallet a few pounds lighter.

"Was that really just wine?" I asked slowly, rubbing my temples, surprised that I had a slight buzz. It usually took way more than wine to get any sort of reaction out of me. Maybe some stuff from last night was still in my system. I shrugged, following quickly after Megumi when a jewelry stall caught her attention. Jewelry? I felt around in my pocket, glad I'd hit up an ATM the day before. I just smiled good naturedly as she admired the wares. High class girls are expensive, it's the way of the world. I set a hand gently on the small of her back when I caught the merchant oggling her and glared at him. Ah, but they were worth it.

She held something up, taking my attention from the shop owner. "Isn't this pretty, Sanosuke?" It was, tiny pale green stones weaved around thin strands of dark silver. I nodded, taking it from her and guiding her hands to hold up her hair so I could clasp it behind her neck. I lead her over to a mirror, standing behind her with my hands at her waist, looking over her shoulder. She let her hair fall down, it brushed against my arms before settling in place, and fingered the necklace carefully. While she as busy admiring her reflection, I shot the merchant one more glare before discretely purchasing the item, then tugged her away from the stall.

"Wait," she said hastily, "I have to-"

"It's all taken care of," I smiled, walking backwards in front of her. She looked surprised, then smiled, all evidence of arrogance or cleverness gone from her softened features.

"You didn't have to do that," she said quietly. I knew she meant it, and I was pleased, not that I suspected her spending habits were much more than a joke to begin with.

It had started to rain slightly, not much more than a spray, dusting over her shoulders and settling on her eyelashes. The baser side of me noted her white dress and hoped the rain would get a little heavier, but I pushed that thought aside rather quickly, taking her hands in mine and pulling her closer to me.

"It's alright," I whispered. "You can pay me back." I bent my neck, eyes closing…

"Middle of the street, Romeo," she said dully, and I raised an eyebrow, backing off a few inches.

"Your daddy isn't watching."

She glanced over at the camera wearily. "Actually…"

I cut her off, stepping between her and the camera so the world got a good view of my back, and closed the distance between our lips quickly. The kiss was soft, much less aggressive than I usually went for, but something about the rain and the order of the morning and that strange buzz I was having lent itself better to being gentle. When I was about to pull away, her hands crept up and tangled in my hair, tugging my face back towards hers to deepen the kiss.

I grinned when we finally broke apart, brushing my nose against hers and tightening my arms around her to keep her flush against me. "I thought you'd be the type not to kiss on the first date."

She smiled mischievously, just as the rain really did start to come down, plastering my bangs to my forward and her dress to… her. "Maybe you're right, usually," she said, blinking water out of her eyes. "But," she reached a hand up to touch her new necklace briefly. "You deserved it."

I laughed, pulling her aside so we could walk back to the ship under the relative shelter of some trees lining the street. "You really are a strumpet."

AOSHI

I awoke when there was a pained groan that interrupted the rhythmic gentle thump in my temple. My face, which was presently attempting suffocation in the folds of my pillow, lifted half-heartedly to open groggy eyes to a new, miserable day. Yeah, I'm never very good company the day after I drink. Well, of course, there are people who say I'm not good company in any situation. Ah, the trials of being without emotion. My mind slowly came to the realization that it was Kamiya who produced the sound, as she was still, for the most part, asleep on Kenshin's bed.

The little redhead apparently left her; of course, he was the type to be unable to wake someone who was sleeping peacefully even to say goodbye. If you could call sleeping off a hangover peaceful. She shifted under the covers, throwing up an arm over her eyes to block out even the small shafts of light that were, at this time, shimmering on the floor. It must have been rather late for it to have already passed over the beds onto the carpeted floor.

I forced my arguing body off of the bed, kicking off the sheets and stumbling to the bathroom. I endeavored to make as little noise as possible. I knew Kamiya's hangover was much worse than mine was, as she was smaller with ill tolerance. I didn't drink often, but this morning I wasn't suffering too badly. I made my journey with relatively little sound and splashed some cold water onto my face at the sink. I went about the rest of my morning routine with only the small pulse in my head hindering me. It wasn't bad at all, which was a relief. I was expecting to wake up in such a state that I wouldn't be able to move. Then again, it seemed that I had slept through most of the day.

When I exited the bathroom, I came upon the image of a very miserable and very disheveled female sitting up in Kenshin's tangled sheets. The image of her made me sympathize with amusement. Her long black ponytail tilted to the side of her head, loosely, and the shorter pieces frizzed and tangled falling all about her face. She was hunched over her lower body, seemingly unable to keep steady. One side of her face had imprints of the pillow's wrinkles reddening her cheek. Her blue eyes looked glassy and slightly dull and her dark lashes were still slightly hooded over them, making her blink in order to keep them open.

"Did I wake you," I asked, trying to keep my voice low. Of course, when you are having a hangover it's bass that causes the most pain. My voice was low as it was, so when I spoke gently it had a tendency to rumble in my throat. She didn't seem to mind so much my voice, as much as the sudden realization that she wasn't alone. A blush bloomed across her nose and cheeks and her widened eyes averted in embarrassment. I assumed it was because she was in my roommate's bed, but I wasn't positive.

"Sorry, if I did." I moved over to the bed and placed a hand to her forehead. She was warm enough that a cold compress might be helpful. "Do you want anything? Water? A cold towel?" She seemed surprised by my offer and it took me a moment to realize I was acting more in Kenshin's character than my own. I shrugged it off and straightened myself from her bedside, waiting for her reply.

KAORU

I was in someone else's bed, I recognized that immediately. It took way too much effort to pry my eyes open, and I immediately regretted it when I succeeded. Every muscle in my body ached and protested when I tried to roll over and hide my eyes from the late morning sunlight. I had never felt anything quite so painful… I mentally smacked myself. Yes I had. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. What is that noise?

I moaned and the sound only jarred my senses further, and I began to sit up when I heard a door close nearby. My movement was slow and excruciating, my ears rung and my temples throbbed and pulsed and pressed down on the rest of my body. Eventually I made it up, but I immediately hunched my shoulders and slouched down, focusing my attention on keeping my head up and not falling back onto the bed or letting it loll around uselessly. I opened my eyes again, squinting painfully as the softly lit room came into my vision. It took a few moments for my eyes to clear and the room to start spinning, and I tried to sort out my muddled thoughts enough to figure out where I was and why I was feeling like this.

Suddenly a taller figure entered and I vaguely recognized it to be Aoshi. He spoke but the words didn't register at all as my mind raced and rapidly pieced together what I could remember of the previous night. Drinking game… getting smashed… coming back to… I glanced around wearily. Kenshin's room. I was in Kenshin's and Aoshi's room. Suddenly I panicked, and my head shot down to inspect myself. I was still clothed, that was a relief. Whatever had happened last night did not involve being naked. At least one drunken horror story had not come true. I swallowed heavily and looked back up at Aoshi just as he finished.

"Do you want anything? Water? A cold towel?"

I hesitated, surprised. Was this Aoshi offering me help? I thought hard and recalled that the last conversation we had had involved him telling me I was a wounded bird that would be left behind. Wounded bird… I bit my lower lip, trying to remember exactly what had occurred in this bed. I had been frantic, I had been thinking of my past and my nightmares and my problems… so I ran from the bar… and Kenshin came to comfort me… and he asked me what was wrong…

I gasped, although it came out more like a choke, and pulled out my right arm, wrenching my sleeve abruptly up to my elbow. My eyes pricked with frantic, irrational tears as I ran my thumb over the thin white scar below my wrist… the one that Kenshin had kissed. Kenshin had asked me what was wrong.

And I had told him.

I remembered how warm I felt, how foreign and amazing his lips felt over my skin, over that skin. I remembered how I had told the whole story from start to finished, and how much I had cried, and how drained I felt.

I realized then that Aoshi was still standing there and I quickly pulled my sleeve back down, clasping my arms behind my back to keep them from view and praying he either wasn't paying attention to my arm or he was also hung-over and I could convince him later that he was remembering wrong. I'm really not a freak Aoshi, I promise.

"Ah…" what did I want? My eyes swept over the room once, but it didn't seem like Kenshin was anywhere. Where was he? Did he think I was disgusting now? Did he just leave? Should I get out before he came back? Should I go find him? I started to get chocked up, my remembrance turning to fear and panic and anxiety. How could I do that? How could I have told him? Was I that much of an idiot? My eyebrows furrowed painfully, making the excruciating pain in my head tighten and become more acute. Oh god… this had to be some sort of twisted nightmare. I would just have to find Kenshin and he would tell me that he had brought me into his room because mine had been locked, and I hadn't told him anything at all, and he left in the morning because he had a meeting with the boss or something. It had been a dream.

But it couldn't have been. I hadn't dreamed about anything but the accident for years. It was real. I had told him, and now here I was, unable to move or speak or think and Kenshin was gone. For all I knew he could be out exposing me to everyone else. Maybe he had already told Aoshi, maybe everyone would feel sorry for me or think I was pathetic, or maybe the producers would think I was a mental case and throw me off the show.

My breathing was labored now, and my eyes flicked from this to that to… the camera in the corner. The camera! It had all been on tape! I was on tape right now! All hung-over and distressed and falling apart. The whole world knew my secret now, and I was hiding my arm from Aoshi. I was screwed. Completely, and totally screwed.

I tried to choke it back, but my lip started to tremble and my head ached all the more. No crying Kaoru, not right now. I whimpered slightly and brought my hands up to weave through my hair, trying to massage away some of the tension but it only got worse. I had to find Kenshin and come up with some excuse. I'm a pathological liar. I had made it all up. Any scars he saw were just from training, and there aren't any more underneath the rest of my clothes. I'm a normal girl, just like any other normal girl. He didn't have to fear me or leave me or stop treating me like I was special. I wasn't special, but I liked that he treated me like I was. I groaned. What was I thinking. It was all over. There were no more chances with Kenshin… there never were to begin with. Just because I wanted it doesn't mean it was there. Dreams don't come true. That's the one thing I knew for sure. After a moment I let my hands fall into my lap and allowed a few tears to slip out of my brimming eyes. I still had to find Kenshin, at least attempt to do some damage control. I drew in a quivering breath and met Aoshi's concerned gaze timidly. It took me a few tries to get my voice to work. My throat burned and my mouth tasted fowl and dry. Eventually I spoke, though with a coarse and weakened voice. "Kenshin… where is he? Please tell me."

Episode 4: Out of Range

Part 2

AOSHI

When she didn't answer me, her eyes flickering around the room, I realized that she was utterly disoriented. So to help soothe her brain by not having to make one more decision I exited the room without her noticing, back into the bathroom to fill up a cup with water. I returned to find her close to tears and scraping her fingers through her hair. I was afraid she might pull it out. I had no idea what happened the night before, but judging by Kenshin's soft smile she definitely had nothing to worry about in regards to him. Of course, I had no idea if she was fretting over him.

"Kenshin... Where is he? Please tell me."

Her deep blue eyes were wide and shimmering. They still looked a bit glassy, but that was mostly because of her tears now. With a sigh I offered the blue plastic cup and shoved it at her when she shook her head. "Take it, Kamiya. You're dehydrated and apparently disillusioned. You need to calm down."

"Just tell me where he is, please."

"Calm down. I don't know where he is. He wasn't here when I woke up, but I think you are overreacting," I told her. She took the cup, finally, when I pried open one of her hands from the sheets and curved her fingers around it. "Drink."

She complied, watching me with the same wide eyes that made it look as if I was some sort of kidnapper that had her here against her will. She even tensed and scooted back when I sat on the edge of the bed. "Kamiya, will you please relax. I'm not going to hurt you and if you think Kenshin is mad because of whatever happened last night, I assure you, he isn't."

"H-how do you know?"

"Because." I sighed again, dropping a gentle hand on her knee. "I saw you two last night, when I came in to sleep." A blush flourished across her cheeks and she tried to hide it in the rim of the cup as she drank. I offered her a small smile. I wasn't quite sure why I was trying so hard to comfort her, but if Kenshin was taking such an interest in her, then I knew I had to be more open-minded. "It's all right, you weren't doing anything but sleeping on him. And it was the look on his face that tells me he wasn't angry. He was happy to be comforting you. He has a lot of shadows following him, so when he gets to chase away someone else's it helps him forget about his. Of course, I don't believe that to be healthy, but it lets him smile and...he did help you last night, didn't he?"

KAORU

Helped me… is that what he did? It didn't feel like that now. It felt like I'd been turned inside out and hung out to dry. I don't think I ever dreamed that everything I had so closely guarded for years would be strewn out drunkenly for the entire world to see. Things had been going so well this trip, and suddenly it was all a confusing, sour haze. "I'm not sure…" I mumbled when I saw Aoshi looking at me for an answer. "I'm not really sure what he did. Even what I do remember is hazy, and probably inaccurate." Dare I say hopefully inaccurate? I closed my eyes and sipped timidly at the water, the first few swallows only increasing my already tumultuous nausea. Cracking one eye open at him, I pulled the cup back a few inches. "Why are you being so nice to me?" Why not the cold asshole of before? Did I say something to him too that I don't remember?

Aoshi leaned back on the bed. His long arms bracing themselves behind him and over my legs. His gaze went to the ceiling, then his eyes lowered though his chin did not. "I don't know. Sympathy pains, I guess. I know how bad hangovers can be."

Even in my impaired state of mind I knew he was lying. Why would he lie? I raised an eyebrow skeptically. "There are a lot of people on this ship who have hangovers right now who could use the help."

He raised an eyebrow right back at me. "You're the only one that happens to be in my room."

"Is that all?"

He sighed and glanced at my pointedly. "Look, Kenshin's like a little brother to me, so I'm I bit overprotective sometimes. I guess I judged you too harshly and am poorly attempting to make it up to you. Or at least have you think of me as less of a cold asshole."

I hesitated. That was not an answer I had anticipated. "Well, it's not as if we're getting married, so you don't have to get used to me." I sighed, drawing my knees up to my chest for comfort. "Things are looking a little bleak now, I think. Now that I… know what I know." It's not that I had been completely surprised when I found out Kenshin was bisexual, something was obviously up with Sano, but it had caught me off guard. Now everything seemed to fall into place and my relationship with Kenshin was never on less stable ground. "And now that he knows what he knows." I took a deep breath and licked my lips, my eyes flickering up to meet Aoshi's.

Aoshi narrowed his eyes. "Knows what he knows?"

I grimaced, waving away his question. "Just some crap that happened to me a long time ago. I don't even know why I'm even saying this at all, it's supposed to be some great big secret."

Aoshi was silent for a long time, long enough to make me very, very nervous. Could he tell just looking at me? Did he have some sort of super sense that revealed people's pasts to him? Finally he stood up, pacing towards the door pensively. He paused, his hand on the door knob, then turned back to me thoughtfully. "I've got some things I need to think through, Kamiya. Maybe you should meet me tonight on the sun deck. There are some things about Kenshin you should know."

SANO

I hesitated at the threshold leading out to the deck, sighed and raised an eyebrow with a sigh. I had been drying my hair with a hand towel and had just about gotten it dry (though unruly) and now Kenshin was standing out in the rain, too far away to call inside. I shrugged and slung the towel over one shoulder, stuffed my hands in my pockets and braved the drizzle once again. I was antsy, still a little cocky from my kiss with Megumi, and there was one person I definitely wanted to brag too. Besides, he's probably the only person who would care besides Kaoru, who was... not someone I wanted to disturb.

There was definitely a slight skip in my gait and I grinned as I approached, but to my dismay Kenshin didn't seem to notice me at all. He was deep in contemplation, apparently, and the rain slid unnoticed down his face in little droplets, dampened his hair and clung to his eyelashes. He looked adorable, and I cocked my head slightly when I leaned on the railing next to him. What was he thinking about? He was staring off into space, and he didn't even look up when I ran an exaggerated hand through my mused hair. I let out a breath and shoved his shoulder gently. "Why so pensive, Red?"

KENSHIN

I jumped at the push to my shoulder and blinked up at Sano as if I didn't recognize him. In a way I didn't. I mean I knew who he was, but being so pent up in my mind all day as well as not seen hide nor hair of him for many hours it was like seeing Aoshi when I first walked on the ship. He smirked at me, the smile I knew well. I knew the look he was giving me too, but it took me a minute to register that I knew. Just about as long as it took me to orient myself in reality.

Ship, storm, night, Sano...okay, I was oriented. Kinda.

Now to respond. "No reason." Yeah, he'll buy that after you stared at him like he just woke you up from death. I shook myself and forced a smile. "Just thinking about stuff."

I was thinking alright, glancing at my watch I could see I had been thinking for six hours. About Kaoru, about what Aoshi said, about the past, and about me. I didn't come to very many conclusions. Although I did learn that Aoshi was right...about this at least, and I learned that I wanted to try something new. I wanted to stop running from commitment and intimacy and face it head on. And I wanted to face it for Kaoru. I mean, when you think about someone for six hours straight that means something doesn't it?

Suddenly I noticed that through the six hours, I don't think I thought about Sano. That was strange. After all it was he and Kaoru that both immediately piqued my interest. What did that mean? I felt my shoulders slump, good lord did this mean another six hours of brooding?

"Red?" Sano was poking me again, this time looking a little less smug and a little more concerned. "You okay?"

I nodded. "Fine, fine...the rain effects me in odd ways I guess." Good save, Himura, now just be sure not to mention your thunder fetish.

He made a face and ruffled my wet hair. I'm sure he was thinking something like "Always something strange to say, eh?" I could even hear his voice saying it in my head.

He shrugged with a smile. "I think it effects other people too..." Then he paused, with a twinkle apparent in his eye. "Guess what I did today?"

I turned my body towards his and leaned against the deck's railing. "I don't know but something tells me I have no choice but to hear it."

He gave me a half annoyed half hurt glare and I laughed. It was strange how quickly he calmed me sometimes and contrastingly how quickly he worked me up. At the moment I was content. His presence was refreshing after being within the recesses of my complex and confusing mind all day, and laughing just felt good. Whatever happened to him he was itching to tell me, or brag about it. Either way his excitement was slightly contagious.

"I'm sorry would this be better?" I jokingly clasped my hands together and held them to my chest. "Oh, Sanosuke, please please tell me everything about your day. I'll cherish every second."

He threw a light punch at me and I dodged laughing at his expense.

"Gimme a break, would ya?" Sano growled in a half whine.

I smiled and leaned completely against the railing. "Ok, I'm sorry. What happened today?"

SANO

I was too excited to hide it. I wanted to tell him. Besides, he had his own things going on with other people, so I had every right to voice my happiness, right? I thrummed my hands against the rail, my makeshift drum roll hopefully adding to the suspense. "Wellll," I drawled, staring out at the restless sea. "I walked around the port with Megumi, you know, using all my best lines..." I cringed. "She isn't easily swayed, let me tell you. Years of experience picking up chicks and it's like she was my first attempt." I shot him a look, he seemed amused but also somewhat guarded. I laughed and turned my back to the railing. "But eventually, after emptying my wallet on presents and jumping through hoops to impress her we managed to hit things off..." I thought back happily on the day. "Difficult tasks are always so much more gratifying when you get them done... and she is an excellent kisser."

I didn't say anything for a moment, and suddenly I wanted to drag Kenshin into the conversation with his own experiences. Sure I wanted to brag, but I didn't want to alienate the guy completely. "But here I am making a big deal about that... didn't Kaoru spend last night in your room?"

KENSHIN

"Oh, it wasn't anything really...I mean it was, but," I shook my head and chuckled at my own muddled thoughts. "I was just helping her through some things. It meant a lot to me because she trusted me with some of her secrets." I glanced up at him with a raised eyebrow. "She's more complex than she leads on. And she's also an excellent kisser, although I didn't find that out last night...that was a couple nights ago."

Sano made a low whistle and smiled, nudging my arm. "What? Are you trying to show me up or something, eh?"

I blushed slightly though, I hoped it wasn't noticeable in the rain. This wasn't good. Even as I was talking about Kaoru, even as I was making it known that I was interested in her and I was...something was stirring in me because of Sano. I was jealous when he said he kissed Megumi and the old part of me...well not so old I suppose, but it was a part that I recently decided to kill, that part of me wanted to show Sano how excellent a kisser I was. I've had this problem before, only once with Fukumi. I developed a crush on him and tried to believe it wasn't there. I was good for the summer, then I saw him in school again and just seeing him and being near him was enough to make me want him all over again. We started dating that year...

I shook my head from the past even if it was enlightening me to what was happening in the present. I hadn't thought about Sano in those six hours of brooding, but now with him before me touching me, grinning, even meeting my eyes in a certain way, I found myself become attracted to him all over again. This complicated things greatly. I thought I had this all figured out.

"I'm not trying to show you up, that is just you and your inadequacy issues." Apparently my mouth decided to flirt without any help from my mind. It felt like my body was moving on its own. I had practiced things like this so many times in the bars; challenging and making the person jealous, working them up until they want you more than they can take. Why was I doing this? Why was I falling back into this pattern that I had claimed I was going to break only ten minutes ago?

I rocked back on the railing then stepped away from him, smiling sweetly as I said, "But I'm glad you've grown attached to Megumi. It'll be a fun match."

"Kenshin?" Sano was looking at me with narrowed eyes. Most likely trying to understand the switch in my personality. A hand went back behind his head scratching there before brushing forward over his hair and sending water droplets out into the rain. "Yeah...it'll be interesting."

No...don't say it, Himura. "Too bad though, if you attach yourself to her you won't be able to test the...excellence of anyone else." Now facing and very close to him, I flicked a piece of his brown hair out of his face. The water sprinkled on both of our faces, but neither of us blinked. Himura, what are you doing?

SANO

I looked away immediately, my features set and serious. What the hell? I wish I could control myself. I wish I knew what I wanted. I was thrilled about my progress with Megumi, she made me feel... I couldn't even describe it. I think I would have done anything to get her to look in my direction, and that kiss... I'd never felt so vulnerable. I'd never felt like one simple action could have so much effect on me or my desires or my thoughts. In a way, she was what I'd been searching for my entire life- the ultimate high. But Megumi was also so foreign to me. I did cute boys, spontaneous girls, one night stands, flings, short term relationships with mutual boundaries. Megumi was a serious woman. She had plans and aspirations and morals. God, I sound horrible. Morals weren't so bad, were they?

I knew what kind of guy she wanted, I knew she needed someone with some caution and some responsibility, and I was terrified to realize that I would do that... for her. I would give up what my life had revolved around for one intense, amazing girl. That was definitely a frightening concept.

I glanced at Kenshin from the corner of my eye. Kenshin was familiar, I knew how to deal with him. We had common interests, common ground, we knew already what the other wanted and what that did (or didn't entail) I could have Kenshin and keep my life, too. Kenshin wouldn't try to change me, and I sure as hell wouldn't change for him. Besides, with the rain soaking his clothes... and that smile... he must work out...

But Megumi! Why should I avoid her? Why should I chicken out of something obviously wonderful? Why did I crave more clubs more alcohol more of my wild, inconsistent life? Couldn't I find more happiness in one place with one girl?

I could.

But what if, what if, what if, what if. What if once she got me under her heel she dumped me. I would be crushed. That would suck. What if she didn't feel the same way? What if I was the only one star struck? What if I really did end up changing myself for her and turned into some clean cut accountant? I would never be happy like that.

How would I be happy?

I swallowed and tossed my head back. I don't know, but in the mean time I'll do what comes naturally. I'll do what I know, I'll have what I'm accustomed too. Order something different from the menu and you end up with ostrich toes or something like that. Always safer to do what you know. Do who you know.

Step 1- taunt. I laid a cheerful hand on his shoulder. "You're absolutely right." I strode purposefully towards the ship. "Kaoru's an excellent kisser, right? She must be easy too, if you found out so early on." I rubbed my hands together and flung the towel back for Kenshin to catch. "Maybe I'll give her a try."

KENSHIN

I caught the towel he tossed to me and started after him, determined to keep the jealous twitch from his comment within me. That should have been what brought me out of this stupid pattern right? Thinking about her, how I wanted to be something to her. How I didn't just want a fling with her...but I didn't just want a fling with Sano either.

I paused, I had twisted the towel up between my hands readying to snap it at Sano's departing ass, but something in me froze. Where had that thought come from? I was true though. I didn't just want Sano. Sure, he was sexy and very hot ranking up very high with some of the guys I'd been with, but...it was different. I didn't just want to do the usual drink, dance, and screw. The image of me waking up in Sano's arms was just as appealing as being wrapped up tightly in them in the midst of sex. So what did that say? Did that mean I wanted him just as much as I wanted Kaoru? That I would find the same contented feeling that I felt when Kaoru was in my arms when I'm in Sano's arms? Did I think I loved him as much as I thought I loved her? Or was this just me trying to rationalize with what my hormones wanted?

"Sano...I..." I couldn't finish the sentence. Hell, I don't even think I knew what I was going to say. He turned though, leaning against the threshold soaking wet and grinning mischievously. Suddenly, I was scared.

"What is it, Red?" he countered with a smirk. He pushed off the threshold; his hips shifted with the movement quite sensually and he took a step toward me. He was still under the overhang of the deck above us; I was still in the rain. "You don't like that plan? Did you have something else in mind?"

I closed my eyes, wringing the towel between my hands. My pattern had been broken by my fear, although I don't even know what started the shake in my pulse. I knew Sano pretty well, there wasn't really any reason to fear him. I smiled up at him and cocked my head. "Well, what do you think?"

SANO

Step 2- reassure. I smiled softly and caught his wrist to pull him towards me. "I think we have no idea what we're doing." He seemed willing but also uneasy, and the last thing I wanted anything between us to be was frightening. I was looking for some excitement, sure, but also some comfort. "Do you think we're running to each other out of fear or do you think we fear running to each other?" I closed my arms loosely around his narrow shoulders and rested my chin thoughtfully on top of his head. "You're really cold. I think we should get you dried off."

KENSHIN

I felt like crying. Still holding onto the drenched towel in one hand and buried my fingers in Sano's shirt, resting my forehead to his chest. "Are you as confused as I am?"

I could feel him smile against the crown of my head. Then he released one arm from it hold around me to raise my chin. The kiss he gave me was extremely gentle and brief, just a touch of our lips. It calmed me instantly, but didn't erase my fretting. Even his words were soft. "I think the whole world is as confused as we are."

I chuckled at that. "That's a frightening thought."

"Come on, Red. Inside, dried off, before you get sick."

I nodded and followed him into the interior of the ship, down the stairs toward our suites. I was getting nervous again, worried that Kaoru would happen upon us when Sano's arm was still wrapped around my waist, worried that Megumi would come out and avert Sano's attention, worried that we wouldn't be interrupted and...

I still didn't know what I was doing. I should be used to this. This was the way my life was right? And Sano was more than any of the men I was with. He means so much more. And at that thought the fear returned. My teeth chattered as we walked down the corridor. I wasn't cold, though Sano hugged me more tightly in that assumption. I was hiding the shake in my body through that excuse.

Why was I afraid of intimacy with Sano? Why did sleeping with him become so frightening when I've slept with so many other people that I knew even less about. At least I know he cares for me, he's not sleeping with me for the sake of a good fuck, there's something more here for him, too. But the more I tried to rationalize in this manner the more scared I became. The more I felt trapped.

"I let him have me once and I could never say no. I could never go back."

I stumbled against Sano and he stopped in the hallway. "You alright?"

"I...yeah, just lost my footing." I lied. He eyed me a moment, then seemed convinced, when I stepped in front of him and tugged on the collar of his shirt, moving him forward. He pulled my hand from his shirt and spun me around, back into his arms. My back to his chest as we walked in time.

I few more steps and we were before the suite door. I stared at the knob and swallowed. I was making a decision here. This path lead to choosing Sano. Not that that was such a horrible fate, but it was one side of a coin. The other side was across the hall, sleeping. The other side I had been thinking about for six hours straight. And this side took no more than a half hour to distract me. I was that horrible, wasn't I?

Sano nipped at my neck as he slipped his hand into my pocket to take out the key.

"I don't understand...you stay with him...why?"

"If I leave it will hurt. I am his."

I tilted my head back and used one finger to run up Sano's throat to his chin, using an angle where the nail scratch at his skin. He chuckled and unlocked the door.

"I let him have me once..."

I was making a decision here.

"I could never go back." But I had no idea if it was the right one.

SANO

I stepped through the door and looked back to see Kenshin hesitate. I raised an eyebrow. "Come on in, nothing in here is going to eat you."

He relaxed a little and followed me towards the bathroom. I rummaged through my drawers and pulled out some clothes that were ridiculously small on me but would probably still swamp Kenshin and handed them to him. "Here, you can change into these for now. Aoshi mentioned not wanting to be disturbed when I checked a little while ago. I think he might be painting. You can get your clothes... later."

Kenshin nodded but didn't move. It seemed like every thing he did was some sort of decision for him. I smiled gently. "The shower's on your right." He still didn't move. "I don't suppose you want someone to wash your back?"

KENSHIN

"Oh, the temptation. No, I think I'll be fine," I commented with a quirked smile. I started to turn for the shower and he caught my upper arm tugging me toward him. Our mouths met again, this time a little more firmly. He parted his mouth against mine coaxing me to open mine with a nip to my lower lip. I obeyed and closed my eyes. One of his arms snaked around my waist, pressing at the small of my back, the other was sliding into the matted hair at the back of my neck. His kiss lacked the innocence that Kaoru's held, but it was just as tantalizing and it had me melting all the same.

"Tell me, how can someone kiss you so gently when their hands are twisting your heart?"

This didn't hurt. It, in fact, felt very good. Sano was gentle, his hands light with their pressure. His mouth was eager, but not rushed. But was this the right side of the coin? If I did this and it was wrong would there be any way to make it right? For him, for me, for anyone? I pulled back from my mind's questions in unison with my physically pulling away from Sano. "I'm going to take that shower now."

He let me go, smiling softly and stripping out of his damp shirt as I closed the door. As I leaned against the door I felt I could breathe again. My body trembling from fear, confusion, and my still aroused hormones. When my chest stopped heaving, I started the shower, staring at the faucet like it was the most amazing thing in the world. Then I shook myself and stepped in after stripping out my wet clothing and putting the clean garments near the sink.

I should have known. I should have never allowed myself to continue talking with him when I started falling into the flirting pattern. But it wasn't just hormones, I knew. There was something about Sano, something about his demeanor; the power or courage, playfulness...something...something that drew me to him, something that reminded me of...of Fukumi. I could say it, that was true. They had the same easy-going playful mannerisms, the same sensual drive and sultry eyes that drove me insane for them, but what scared me was...well a lot of things--

"I let him have me once..."

But mostly I thought I was in love with Fukumi, granted I was fifteen and --other than my previous and first girlfriend, Keiko-- he was the first serious relationship of mine. Still, I was attached to him in a deep and intimate manner, whether it was love or not I still didn't know. So if I parallel Sanosuke to my 'first love' did that truly mean that I was in love with Sano too. But how? How could I be in love with both Kaoru and Sanosuke? Why did I have to meet these two amazing creatures at the same time?

Shower done, I took my time toweling off, very concerned about going out into the room. I stared in the mirror, studying my features with impassiveness. The long red hair that reached below my shoulder blades was almost a dark brown due to the water and, as a few of my other lovers claimed, the enchanting amethyst eyes were dull and unblinking. Two things, two more factors, that made a first impression that I had no control over. Long ago, my face and features were once something resembling the term 'flawless', but now...now the scars on my cheek contributed to that uncontrollable first impression.

I touched my hand to my left cheek, where the two faint rosy lines lay crossed. The first dragged below my cheekbone; a four centimeter diagonal slash toward my chin. It was my fault, well my and my friends fault. I smiled and shook my head, thinking about the spar with my childhood friend, Akira, that caused the scar on my cheek and him to go to the hospital to get stitches for a deep gash on his shoulder. It was our ingenious idea to spar with real swords. Real genius. I could laugh about it now, ten years later, but then both of us were cowering before the angry wrath of, not our parents, but Akira's 'pretend' girlfriend, who none to pleased with our adolescent antics. I think he wed her later in life...I haven't talked to him in quite a while...

The second crossed over the first from beside my nose to the center of my cheek and matched another running diagonal over my collar bone. Both of these, I suppose, were my blame as well. I shouldn't have gotten mad at Fukumi for breaking our date on my birthday, he had things to do, things more important. And getting mad at him only provoked his temper. He was just angry. He didn't realize that he had a kitchen knife in his hand when he cut me. He told me such...he was just lashing out...

"Tell, me how can someone be so gentle..."

I shook my head again, closing my eyes against the memories that plagued.

"I don't understand...you stay with him...why?"

"If I leave it will hurt. I am his."

It was over and done with and I've learned how to make people happy so I don't make them mad at me,...make them hurt me. Now, I could be with these people, who were so wonderful, and kind, and fun. With resolve in my stance, I pulled Sanosuke's shirt over my head, the a pair of flannel pants that had me tying the drawstring tight so they didn't fall off, and then stalked out of the bathroom, towel in hand and to my hair.

Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten what awaited my beyond those doors. The gaze was intense, but I continued to rub the towel over my damp hair, trying to curb my own impulses as well as discourage him. He was still shirtless although he put on a dry pair of boxers, and I couldn't help but flicker an appreciative gaze to his chest. Man, was he ripped. I shook out my hair and gave him my used towel as he snickered at me. I tried to glare. "What?"

"You're swimming in those close. I didn't realize how small you are."

I rolled my eyes at him as I tied my hair back with the rain soaked hair tie I still had. "That's me, the twelve year old boy with a twenty one year old mind."

He took me up in his arms again, leaving me little room for choice. "I know very well you are far more...mature than a twelve year old."

"Mmmm, thank you for your confidence," I muttered as he kissed my neck.

He pressed his forehead to mine, his gaze boring into my own blinking violet eyes. "I want you," he said blatantly, his hand slipping over the fabric of the T-shirt I was wearing, over the small of my back to my backside, then back up to rest on the small again. "But I don't want to scare or hurt you. I don't know what happened in your past, but it hurts you so I do not want to be associated with it."

My heart melted. The raw blatantness didn't hide the absolute compassion in his tone. It seemed the coin hand landed with this side up. I wrapped my arms around his neck pressing our open mouths together hungrily. He accepted just as anxiously and hugged my body close to his own. His muscles in his chest seemed to stretch and contract against mine as I sighed my passion into his mouth. I retracted from him, my eyes glowing with an amber hue, perhaps, and paced backward, he flowed with animal-like prowess, watching my torso, my eyes, my hair, my mouth.

I was making a decision here.

"I could never go back"

"I am his."

I led him to his bed, crawling up onto it backward, my eyes never coming off of is face, his rolling shoulders, and taunt-muscled neck. I was aroused I wouldn't lie, but I was also scared. This was my decision, from this point on I was Sano's. I couldn't say no to him.

"I don't understand...you stay with him...why?"

"If I leave it will hurt. I am his."

He clamored up over me his body brushing against me and making me whine at a heated wave of arousal that washed over me. He took my mouth again, his hands running over my torso, slipping under my shirt then back up, taking the shirt with him. I panted out heaving breaths as his body straddled me, his weight pressing down and driving my hormones crazy. His mouth was latched to my throat in the next moment, warm tongue running over sensitive flesh and teeth grazing in a wild manner.

"And you started this new wild life to ease the pain?"

"I guess so."

"You realize when you take away the pain, you take away the pleasure too."

Yes, I realized that then, Aoshi. There was nothing else at that moment. Just Sano with his tongue running tantalizingly over my chest and his fingers fumbling, somehow graceful, with the tie of the drawstring pants I was wearing. I groaned rocking my hips up and raking my own fingers through his spiky brown hair. At that moment he was all I wanted, my every desire forming in his deep brown eyes, sensual mouth, and tall lanky figure. There were no consequences here, all of them had vanished from our minds as I tore off his shirt, he my pants. His body slipped between my legs, which wrapped around his torso immediately. I rode the wave of every sensation, marveling at how amazing this felt, with his heart pounding against my chest, his breath panting over my lips.

"Tell me, how can someone kiss you"

I am his

"How can you kiss someone so gently when their hands are twisting your heart"

If I leave…
I could go back?

"It will hurt, Kenshin, but it shouldn't hurt like that."

I stared at him when we broke apart, gazed into those dark chocolate eyes with their feral lust and smiled, running my fingers up his neck and bringing his mouth to mine gently. I would have what I desired tonight, and I looked forward to testing his strength.

I am his. I let him have me once
never said no.
I can never go back.

Episode 4: Out of Range

Part 3

AOSHI

I really didn't know how to say it...I really didn't know how to say it. I had asked her to meet me on the deck, when I'm sure she wanted to go to sleep after such a long and tiresome day. It was the middle of the night, not the warmest weather, she was cold and tired and probably pissed at me and here I was sitting back in a deck chair, staring out at the star studded sky with my hand to my mouth and my mind blank. The rain had long since stopped, leaving the night clear and empty. I gave her credit for her patience though, for she waited a good five minutes before warning me that she was tired and maybe we should go inside.

"Kamiya..." I interrupted before she could rise from her own chair. She looked at me, quizzically, her patience apparently renewed. "you seem very innocent...yet, you also seem to have been through more than you let on." She tensed visibly at that, so I held up my hands and waved her alertness down. "I'm not judging you or anything, Kamiya, I swear...it's just, and I shouldn't be assuming this after knowing you for such a short amount of time, but you are gentle, and compassionate, and understanding, and open-minded enough to have a crush on a self-declared bisexual male..."

She cleared her throat and blushed slightly, lowering her eyes. I smiled at her reaction; a clear indication that it was true. "You are attracted to Kenshin?" I didn't wait for her reply. "That's fine...I trust you...I know I sound like some psycho over-protective brother, but on some levels he is my little brother and I care for him deeply. He's been through a lot."

"So you keep telling me," Kamiya muttered, her hands wringing in her lap. "But past or no past Kenshin is Kenshin--"

"I know that," I said, a little too forcefully. She backed off a little, her blue eyes wary. "Kamiya--"

"Call me Kaoru."

I stared at her. She'd said that before, most of them had asked me to call them by their first names, but I refused. It seemed cheap to call them so familiarly when I did feel much for them emotionally, not yet at least. And then Kamiya...she's stuck out more than the others. I grew fond of her more quickly, perhaps because I saw her has an anchor...something to stop Kenshin from slowly killing himself. So, it didn't seem as bad... "Kaoru...I'm not asking you to think any less of him because of his past, but... Here, let me tell you a story."

She raised her eyebrows and frowned, still not convinced, but I continued anyway. "I'm sure you've heard the stories by now...I was born on the street; no home, no family and was adopted by an older couple, who ran a dojo. We lived in a neater, nicer neighborhood in a townhouse across from our dojo. Kenshin lived quite a few blocks away, and although we went to school together he was a freshman when I was a senior, ergo..."

"Seniors don't talk to freshman," Kamiya… er, Kaoru intoned.

I tilted my head as a corner of my mouth rose. "More like I didn't notice him. A month or two before my graduation from high school a guy in his junior year moved into the townhouse next to mine. He was nice enough, a little pushy and blatantly flirtatious. So much that he started hitting on me while our family was helping them move in. His name was Fukumi. Over time I got used to this guy sharing his life story with me and got used to dampening his quick temper. Then one day when his parents, who didn't know he was bisexual, were away, he came over to my house to introduce me to his new boyfriend." I could see a change in the expression on her face but I could only analyze it as 'more serious'. Running a hand though my hair, I smiled genuinely and shook my head. "You wouldn't believe it if you saw it. Here was this little redheaded bouncy kid that hadn't even hit five feet, standing next to Fukumi, who was only a few inches shorter than I was and twice as bulky in muscular stature. Granted the kid was adorable; it wasn't as if his voice cracked, or as if he had baby fat in his cheek or anything, but he was much different than now...beyond innocent..."

The grin vanished and I averted my eyes to the invisible horizon. "Things were fine at first. Kenshin was refreshing for me, brought me into more emotions than I knew I could reach...I was quite cold back then, considerably more so than now. And although Fukumi was rather reckless for Kenshin's first relationship, they seemed to get along well. Kenshin kept Fukumi on his toes and Fukumi calmed Kenshin down when the time called for it. Still the relationship had to remain a secret from Fukumi's parents, and Kenshin's too, now that I think about it. Often times I was the mediator, letting them use my house to meet up, picking up Kenshin from his house --of course kami-sama knows I did that because his father is an absolute prick...anyway, as relationships do, it got heated...Kenshin began slipping into the Fukumi's house after the house had fallen asleep and would leave in the early hours of morning. I, the insomniac that I am, saw him a few times and soon he made a nightly trip to my porch where we would talk until the sun came up. Then he would run home and I would force myself to sleep..." I paused and shook my head, remembering how much the two of us were addicted to coffee in those months, with how little sleep we were getting.

"That's when you got close to him?"

"Exactly, that's when he became my brother and that's when he made me promise that we would always confide in each other...that's why I'm here, to keep that promise that he broke years ago." This was when the memories turned sour as I'm sure my expression did. Here, I stopped thinking about the movie nights where Kenshin would start a popcorn fight, or the numerous times Fukumi and Kenshin would wrestle, Kenshin's laughter filling the room, or when he would curl up against Fukumi and even myself once or twice when he got tired. At this point all I could think of was his shouting cries.

I'm sure Kaoru was worried now, as I leaned over my knees and covered my face. I felt like I was shivering, but I couldn't be sure, all I knew was that his voice wouldn't leave me head, nor the vision of him turning to me, his cheeks and neck flushed really from slaps and strangling. A bruise was forming slightly above his collar bone, his eyes were a deep violet, and large tears were slipping from those wide orbs. "I thought they had been having sex for a while, with how Kenshin slept over at night, but...Kenshin had been holding out...and that night I thought they had been fighting...I knew Fukumi had a temper and he yelled a lot; I could hear him from my room sometimes yelling at his parents, his sister, Kenshin..." I swallowed hard and it cut into the last word. "Kami-sama, if I had only known...if it only occurred to me that Kenshin never talked back to Fukumi, we both knew it only made him angrier. Kenshin had this coy way of calming Fukumi down, but that night he screamed 'No' and I assumed a fight, I assumed Kenshin could handle Fukumi, I assumed Fukumi wouldn't hurt him, I assumed Kenshin wasn't a virgin, and those assumptions got him raped and beaten and killed… in a way..."

I glanced back over to Kaoru to see her shoulders shaking, whether it was from the story or the chilled weather I wasn't sure, but I didn't stop and I think she knew why I didn't. At this point I couldn't. At this point it was me finally telling someone something that has been eating at my soul for years... "Fifteen years old, his first real relationship, alone in a house with a person he loved and trusted...and he was hurt, violated, and I was completely oblivious...," I rubbed at the tears forming my eyes. "I even waited for him when he left the house before Fukumi's parents came home from eating dinner out with mine... he didn't even look at me as he was leaving. I ran over to him, worried that this fight was worse than usual, and when he looked at me he was crying. I didn't know what to do, I'd seen him cry before... he still isn't one to hold back his tears, but it wasn't normally so anguished. It was as if someone had died. He clung to me as if someone dear to him had disappeared... and I didn't realize it had. His image of Fukumi's love... gone, his own innocence and whimsy; gone."

Collecting myself, I heaved out a sigh and met her eyes. "He never talked to me after that. Even if I tracked him down in the halls he acted like I wasn't there. He was still with Fukumi, so I thought they patched things up, so I went away to college in the dark. For a few years I stayed on campus during the summer, working a good job, and when I came back last year Kenshin was gone and Fukumi was dating a girl from our high school. He'd become even more of an asshole and when I asked about Kenshin he told me quite easily that the boy wouldn't submit and so he booted him. I tracked Kenshin's address down and approached him and asked if Fukumi had abused him and I even asked him if Fukumi raped him. He, in short, cursed me out, told me I brought back memories he didn't want to remember and kicked me out. When I went back a week later he had moved again...The first day on this ship was the first time I'd seen him since then...

"I suppose you are wondering why I'm telling you this...well, he is attracted to you and I am relieved. I'm sure he's lived a very reckless and dangerous life, trying to block out any memory of Fukumi. He denies rape when Fukumi practically admitted to it. Fukumi said he fought back, Fukumi admitted Kenshin was scared, but he said 'he deserved it, he asked for it, and he wanted it' and he has Kenshin believing that. And I can't convince him differently," I pushed off on my knees, leaning back in my chair and letting my eyes pan up to the stars above. "I was hoping you could help him... he has been hurt and betrayed quite a few times. When he and I were friends I couldn't even tell him I loved him, I couldn't admit that he was like a brother to me, because I didn't understand it. His parents are so hard on him, he's never gotten along with them. Fukumi, the first person he thought loved him destroyed him... he's had so little love... I was hoping you could... I don't know."

I glanced down at her, but her face was turned away, making my heart sink. What was I doing? What gave me the right to put this on her? And I knew I shouldn't push into Kenshin life so much but... "I'm sorry, Kaoru." I whispered and started to stand. "I shouldn't have done this. You don't have to do anything. Its not your problem, not mine either, just... don't let this change how you feel about him. Act with your heart and ignore what I said."

KAORU

My heart sank deeper into my stomach with every word Aoshi spoke, each syllable slamming into me until I felt like I could barely breath. Kenshin had said that he had a past but I'd never thought…I'd never thought it would be like this. Looking at Kenshin's cheerful exterior and bright, violet eyes I never would have guessed he'd been victim to such a horrible crime. I felt sick, just thinking about the details Aoshi was filling me in on, just thinking about the terrible memories boiling inside the smaller red head I had recently embraced.

I also felt stupid, and guilty, and self centered. I had cried my heart out about what had happened to me when Kenshin was there to listen. I had made it out to be some huge thing, some life altering ordeal, when Kenshin had been through something equally as painful, probably worse… As battered as my soul was after Danko's onslaughts I was still standing, but I'm sure I never would have survived had he resorted to Fukumi's tactics…

I wondered if I was too drunk to notice Kenshin's own pain, if his past was burning his throat, if he wanted to speak and be comforted like he was comforting me and I had ignored him completely. I wondered how many things he'd said that meant something else, how many revelations I had overlooked. When you have a secret itching to get out, you tend to speak in double entendres.

I turned my face away from Aoshi, not wanting him to see the various emotions controlling my features. I knew I was crying, but just tears, no sounds or gasps or blubbering. I had this incredible urge to run and find Kenshin, to wrap him up in my arms and hold him very close and kiss away all of his bad memories. My instinct to comfort and protect was almost undeniable, and it helped to keep me from fainting at these horrible thoughts or standing up and screaming at the injustice of it all.

Eventually I ran a shaky hand over my features, tilting my head to look at Aoshi. Considering his request warily. Of course I wanted to help Kenshin, but… Kenshin hadn't told me about this… something told me he would not be happy if I suddenly showed up and played therapist with knowledge someone else had given me, especially if he was denying he had been raped at all. On top of that, I had a sinking feeling that Aoshi was asking for something more then for me to just help him…

he's had so little love...I was hoping you could...I don't know."

I spoke softly, meeting Aoshi's eyes solemnly. "You were hoping I could…" my eyes flickered to my feet. "What exactly do you want from me?"

"he's had so little love...I was hoping you could...I don't know."

He was hoping I could what? He was hoping I could love Kenshin?

AOSHI

The silence strung between us tightly, she seemed confused and I was unable to express what I needed to. Heaving a sigh and flicking my bangs out of my eyes, I shook my head. "I don't know, Kaoru...I'm not even sure why I told you anymore. The more I think about it the more irrational I'm being... I have no right to think he's living his life wrong, I have no right to judge or condemn Sagara for being interested in Kenshin. I think of him as another Fukumi, as a threat...then I look to you as a way out." I glanced over at her and frowned, my heart was beginning to ache for some reason in my throat was hurting. "How cruel of me to be trying to use you as a pawn... I'm so sorry, Kaoru... I just thought, because you liked him and he was showing interest in you..."

Her expression still held its confusion, but now it was mixed with pain and I felt my own body beginning to tense as my heart twisted in sadness. "Kaoru, I'm an idiot. I'm an asshole and a cold bastard. Not only have I degraded you as a person, I gave you painful memories that you now have to live with... please, whatever you do... don't stop caring for him, sometimes... I think the only reason he was with Fukumi... was because he needed to feel wanted. We can do that as his friends... or you could do that as more... I guess... I'm just asking for your help."

KAORU

Ouch…

I felt my eyebrows knit together as I bit my lower lip, wondering how I was supposed to respond to that. Not only had he confirmed my suspicion that Sano was indeed interested in Kenshin romantically, but he's also confirmed my suspicion that he was using me to oppose Sanosuke. Part of me was angry and hurt, since my own feelings seemed to matter very little here, but part of me knew that Aoshi was only doing this because he thought it was in Kenshin's best interest.

Still…

Why did everyone always assume I was so shallow? Granted, I couldn't deny I was inexperienced, but I did have a heart, and I have used that heart, and that heart has been broken and bled still… and yet everyone assumed they could read my insides as well as they could my outsides, and everyone assumed they could control my emotions better than I could, and everyone assumed that they could tell me who to love and when and why, and when to hold back and when to give up. Here Aoshi was, telling me to hook up with his friend so he could sleep better at night, telling me not to stop caring about Kenshin, as if his words really changed the way I felt. For someone who acted like he had s much respect for me (ooh! He called me by my first name! Aren't I so privileged!) he really had a way of underestimating me.

Oh well, I can't hold it against him… when you look and act like a prepubescent, I guess people just suppose you have the depth of one as well. As much as I wanted to make a face at him and set him straight, telling him he had no idea how I felt about Kenshin (since I sure as hell didn't) and that either way hearing about his past couldn't change whatever feelings I had, I refrained. Something snapped in me, some buried mechanism to obey. When someone tall with dark hair and a calm voice tells you to do something, you do it, end of story.

I was always such a slave.

I swallowed, feeling the emotion drain out of my face slowly, sighing in resignation. "I'll do what I can, Aoshi," I said quietly. "But I'm getting tired of being used."

He knew as well as I did that I had been the pawn in many a transaction on the trip thus far. I was so confused as to whether Kenshin really cared about me at all. I knew that much of his and Sano's kindness towards me had been for the soul purpose of making the other one jealous. I thought maybe things had changed when I told Kenshin my story, that maybe he really did care, but he disappeared this morning and I hadn't been able to find him since, which was really a slap in the face…

Maybe if I went to talk to him tonight, we could work things out, set things straight…

I was afraid though. I had exposed myself to Kenshin like I never had to anyone before, and it seemed to just blow right past him. I was afraid of approaching him, of holding my arms open for him to fall into, letting him cry on my shoulder, letting him put some of the weight from his shoulders onto mine… because I was afraid to get my heart involved… and most of all, I was afraid it already was.

AOSHI

I nodded at her words, understanding somewhat what she meant and said the only thing I could think of that was completely honest and comprehensive. "I really fucked this up." I buried my face in my hands and moaned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so stupid about this."

At this point in time my mind was so muddled I didn't know what to think or if I even could think. I could tell she was hurt and probably angry and I didn't blame her. I only hoped that my honesty would make her hate me for a shorter time than if I had lied.

There was still so much I had to learn about people. I still couldn't deal with them well even after all this time. All this practice and I still sucked. But I couldn't really use it as an excuse anymore. 'I was born on the streets so I don't know emotions'. I did know them... many people had taught them to me over the years, but I was trying to figure them out. Like my irrational need to mother Kenshin, even if it meant going against what he believed in and hurting other innocent people in the process... was that a normal emotion? Was that healthy?

"Kaoru... regardless of why I told you, I told you," I claimed after another lapse of silence. She was watching me; that frown with it's slight pout still on her lips. "And I might have told you for a deeper reason than I can express... maybe even deeper than I know. Anyway, you stuck up for him when he was yelling at me the first day here, on some level you care for him, this is clear. So... use this knowledge, ignore who gave it to you and why, and do what you think is right."

I stood up then, figuring it was the best time I could think of to bow out ungracefully. "Again, I apologize for being such an asshole, but I do want you to know that I feel better now that I told you. Somehow I feel you can understand him better than I, and maybe then you will help him more than I can..." I paused, my back to her before I entered the interior of the ship. "Thank you again, Kaoru, if only for listening to me...I'll understand if you are mad at me. I only hope eventually you'll forgive me."

KAORU

I sighed, knowing that Aoshi was sincere in his apology. This seemed so difficult for him, like he could say what he wanted to no matter how hard he tried. This was a foreign concept to me, as everyone always knew what I was trying to say whether I said it or not.

I swallowed, standing in front of him, my eyes falling to the deck where my foot flipped in and out of my sandal. "Thanks for telling me Aoshi… that means a lot to me."

AOSHI

I nodded slowly, bowing my head as if to emphasis my apology. "I'm glad...I guess I should go..." I sighed, then smiled slightly. "I suppose I'll give Kenshin a couple more hours to party before I drag him back up here to get some sleep..." What a crazy kid. I didn't know where he was but my best guess was the club, or the bar. I turned from her then, not letting my eyes remain on her for more than a few seconds. Suddenly, I felt like a very disgusting creature for how I treated her. I've never really been one to be self-loathing, the only other time I hated myself was for the incident with Fukumi, and I found it very startling that this girl could make me so angry with myself with just a small pout and a look of hurt in her eyes...perhaps I was more fond of her than I had originally thought...

"Good night, Kaoru," I muttered, and slipped into the hull. I knew she would follow me soon after; we were going to the same section of the boat, but for some reason I wanted to hide myself from her... at least until I could swallow my heart back into my chest.

KAORU

I watched him go, a gentle sympathy growing in my heart. Part of me wanted to follow right after him, but it seemed like he wanted to be alone… I knew how that felt.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, contemplating my new predicament with a yawn. I was so tired and it wasn't even that late… Kenshin wouldn't be heading back to the rooms for another few hours at least, there's no way I'd be able to find the strength to talk to him about this by the time I found him. I rubbed my eyes warily and decided I would talk to him in the morning. I would have to be careful and gentle, and we probably wouldn't even hit the topic on the head the first time we talked about it… I would have to do a significant amount of beating around the bush.

I have to admit that I was pretty confused now. It hurt the way Kenshin was disregarding everything I told him about my past, and I still had a feeling I hadn't seen him at all that day because of what had happened to me, but I just didn't understand it. He had experienced similar pain… why was he critical of mine?

Why was he shunning me for something that had happened to him? Maybe that was just it… maybe being around me made him think about his own bad memories, maybe he needed someone happy-go-lucky all the time, like he thought I was before I made my confession…

God, life's a bitch sometimes. Well, whatever happens tomorrow I chose to sleep on it, and face those demons when they bit me in the butt. Maybe Kenshin and I could dispose of our pain together. How cute.

Episode 4: Out of Range

Part 4

SANO

I smiled against my pillow, one eye open and scanning the floor, the clothes scattered across the carpet. That was probably my favorite thing about Kenshin wearing my clothes; (aside from how sexy he looked in them) how easily they came off.

Stretching my back slightly, I tilted my head to the left, letting my chin rest against my elbow and running my fingers over the smooth skin of Kenshin's cheek. Looking at him now, so peaceful, you'd never guess what kind of lover he was not so long before. Our activities had been so electric that the only way we could sleep afterwards was that we had completely worn each other out. Smirking at the thought, I nudged my nose against his temple and threaded my fingers through the silkiness of his long hair. I'd never been with anyone like Kenshin, and tonight…

That was another new thought. Usually I would wake up and get dressed as quickly as possible, high tailing it from the scene before any given partner could wake up and expect something from me. I couldn't remember the last relationship I had that wasn't a one-night stand. But this time… I was already scheming about the future, I was already thinking about what I would say when Kenshin woke up, what I would make him for breakfast, what I would plan for the evening…

I closed my eyes, relaxing completely and drawing his small frame close against my chest, breathing in deeply the scent of his hair and his skin and his breath over my neck. This was the sweetest morning I had experienced in… forever.

KAORU

I stepped into my fluffy slippers groggily, retying my hair after it had been thoroughly mused while I slept. I slept for nine hours, but I was still tired… tortured sleep is not usually very restful. It amazes me sometimes how despite the fact that I've dreamt the same thing for two years, it never fails to hurt just as badly when I wake up as it did the day before. The memories bring the same heartache, the same stabbing pain and desperately contained tears as they did the first night they haunted me. I wondered if Kenshin had nightmares, if that was part of the reason he almost never slept.

He didn't even seem to need sleep, falling into bed at the wee hours of the morning and waking moments later, fully energized. He really amazed me sometimes…most of the time…

I padded out of my room, closing my door behind me so that Misao could sleep without disruption, and made my way to Kenshin's room. He had to be up. I didn't really expect to sit down with him and have some deep philosophical conversation, but maybe we could agree to have lunch or something and talk more later. Upon carefully peering into the darkened room, however, I saw that Aoshi was still asleep, but Kenshin's bed was empty and made as if he'd never slept in it. I shrugged, Kenshin was a very neat person, so neat that I marveled that he could come into my room without fidgeting…my stuff was always a mess.

I headed to Sano's room. Sano was probably up as well, and might know where Kenshin was. I knocked a few times on the door, but there was no answer. I tried again… no answer. I opened the door a crack, sticking my head cautiously through and surveying the room. The lights were still on, and sano was in bed, one arm hanging lazily over the side and covers tangled around his midsection. He slept naked sometimes. I remembered with a slight smile the first night we were here, when he ran streaking through my room in an attempt to corrupt me. Funny guy, funny funny gu-

…guy…?

Because of where I was standing I couldn't see the other side of Sano's bed, but something was moving over there, and suddenly a third arm, shorter and a tad lighter, reached up and slung lazily across Sano's chest, the new person snuggling closer to the tall male.

Wow… damn…

I felt my shoulders slump and my heart sink, a lump forming in my throat as I watched Kenshin smile slightly in his sleep, his nose cuddled close to the crook of Sano's neck. I averted my eyes, backing out of the door and locking it behind me, before leaning heavily against it's solid frame. Sano and Kenshin had slept together, and now I could smell the warm musky scent of their activities hanging slightly in the air, clinging to my senses even as I shut my eyes tightly to erase the image of them so intimately close that was burned into my brain.

The only thing I could think of was the kiss that Kenshin and I had shared, that mind blowing kiss that had made me fall helplessly for him instantly. I thought about all of the things I had told him that no one else knew, the times he had blatantly told me that he was interested in me, that he liked me and wanted us to be closer. Hadn't all of that meant anything to him? I know I probably turned him off with my confessions, but wasn't this a bit extreme? Did he really have to abandon me so soon? Did he really have to lead me on like that? To make me think I had another shot at sharing my heart with someone? Someone so amazing as himself?

I felt my lower lip start to quiver and tears well up in my eyes but I raised my chin defiantly, determined not to fall apart over this. So the kiss didn't mean anything to him. That's okay, he kissed people all the time, he was a bartender for god's sake, he gave meaningless kisses all the time. So he said he was interested in me and changed his mind, that's ok, he's allowed to change his mind, he's young, he's fickle, that's normal. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me…

There's something wrong with me.

I pored my heart out, I cried into his shoulder, I let him see a side of me no one ever saw, a side of me I didn't think anyone would ever see. He wanted to hold me while I was vulnerable and I let him, I placed my heart in his hands. But he didn't care, my heart didn't mean anything to him, I didn't mean anything to him. The things that I thought were so wonderful obviously didn't hold any value in his mind…

That's ok. It's ok. I'm going to be ok.

baby i love you
that's why i'm leaving
there's no talking to you
and there's no pleasing you
and i care enough
that i'm mad
that half the world don't even know
what they could have had

Tonight's Episode of The Real World: Kenshin contained music by:

Ani Difranco

Next time on The Real World: Kenshin! Kaoru and Megumi comiserate while Kenshin and Sano get to know each other. But are there regrets in the air? The cast is assigned to enter their female members into a beauty contest... what does Kaoru do about the swimsuit competition? How will she keep her secret from the rest of the cast? Stay tuned!