CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
It had been a week since Mike had moved in with Ginny. They had easily settled in a routine and Mike was amazed at it. He continued to come out of the darkness within and knew that he was healing from the trauma he had endured over the years since the Red Flu had hit. Two days ago, he had picked out a ring. The box was in his front pants pocket and he had found himself fingering the box numerous times over the last two days. He was nervous about asking her. He knew in his heart she was on the same page as him, but there was still a sliver of fear in him that it would all fall apart. She would come to her senses and wonder what she saw in him.
Deep in his mind he knew it wasn't the truth, but there was a part of his mind that kept going back to it. He knew it was a self-preservation tactic. He had lost deeply in the last six years, and he had promised himself to never put himself in the position he was about to put himself again. But then he met Ty. And in meeting Ty…he had met Wyatt…and Ginny. Destiny his brain threw at him.
He had loved twice in his life and lost them both. Christine had been his first love. And even though they had grown apart, and in the end neither had necessarily been in love with each other, they had both loved each other. And now still he loved her. And Andrea had been a surprise. A spitfire of a woman, tough as nails, and funny. He had never imagined he'd fall so hard and deep for her. But then she was gone too.
Now he had Ginny. And fear gripped him from time to time that no matter what he did, something was going to happen. He didn't know if he'd be strong enough inside to withstand something. And to make it worse…Ty and Wyatt. He didn't ever want to lose them.
Ty had continued to call him Dad, and there were times over this past week that…it hadn't cut so deeply that he couldn't breathe. Maybe that meant there was hope. He was healing. He'd never forget his kids, and the pain would always be there, but maybe…he'd be able to focus solely on the good when he thought about them. The pain and anger would slowly take a back seat, and Ty could be front and center, with Wyatt by his side.
His fingers touched the box. Ginny was working the late shift. The boys were asleep. Tom and Sasha were down the hall. Mike was left in the darkness with his thoughts. His mind racing. These were the moments he hated the most. He closed his eyes and sighed. He needed to just do it, to just ask her to be his wife, to ask her to be her sons' father.
He thought about that. Being a husband and a father again. He felt like he was already in that role, especially the father role. He'd stepped into Ty and Wyatt's lives effortlessly and both boys had clung to him. They needed him just as much as he needed them. He made the decision, laying there in the darkness, to ask the next day. Ginny was off and they had planned on going out to dinner. Tom had already agreed to watch the boys. It would be the perfect time. Mike smiled in the darkness.
His thoughts were interrupted as he heard a soft knock on the front door. It was so soft he wasn't entirely sure that was what he was hearing. He pushed up from the bed and frowned, looking at the clock. It was after eleven at night. Ginny wouldn't be knocking so he got up and pulled on a pair of sweats and went to the front door peeking out the peep hole. He frowned again and sighed out. Tom was standing in the hallway, his head down, body language dejected. Mike opened the door but simply stood there. Tom took a moment before he looked up and Mike stepped to the side.
Tom's face was a mask of hurt and pain, mixed with anger and frustration. He noticed his friend was tense, coiled tightly. Tom gritted his teeth, and Mike thought maybe he was going to say something, but then he looked down at the floor again and simply stepped past Mike into the living room.
"Come on in," Mike said softly as Tom passed him.
He watched Tom go to the couch and crash heavily down. He then leaned forward, placed his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. Mike felt crushed. He slowly closed the door, his gaze down the hall on apartment 205. Once the door was closed and locked and turned and walked to his couch. He stood at the back of it and leaned against it as he watched Tom. Mike finally said something.
"Want to talk about it?" Mike asked quietly. Tom didn't react and Mike simply stood where he was. He wasn't sure what he could do to help his friend. He glanced at the door, thinking about how Sasha was at the moment. More time passed. "Tom?"
"I'm such a fuck up," Tom breathed out harshly, then picked up a pillow off the couch and throw it at the wall.
"No, you're not a fuck up," Mike said gently as he finally broke from the back of the couch and walked to the front. He sat down and looked at his friend.
"Yep, a big one. I've so totally fucked up my life, I'm so fucking broken."
"But we are fixing it," Mike said sternly. Tom slowly looked up at him and the brokenness in his friend's eyes was like a knife right though him. Mike slumped a little.
"Not fast enough, I think," Tom whispered.
"Tell me what happened," Mike said quickly. If these two needed him to be the mediator, then damn it, he would be it. Tom's eyes filled with tears, and he wiped an arm across them.
"I asked her to stay. She wants to go back."
"And?" Mike said softly. The first tear slipped down Tom's cheek.
"She said not yet, and I…"
"What?"
"I lost it. I broke. I yelled. I…the darkness got me."
"Okay," Mike said, his heart sinking. "Is Sasha still down there?"
"I don't know. I told her she could stay the night since it's so late. I told her I'd leave."
"I'm going to go talk to her," Mike said, making a quick decision. He needed to at least know what kind of mindset Sasha was in before she went dark on him. Because he knew, if she left…that's exactly what she would do.
"It's no use, Mike. I fucked up. I'm a fuck up. I'm pretty sure I ruined any chance I had."
"It's not over yet, Tom, just…I'll be back," Mike said. He sighed as he got to his feet and left his apartment. He froze as he was about to knock as Ginny walked into the hallway from the stairwell. She slowed her walk, her brow furrowing in confusion. Mike licked his lips and dropped the hand about to knock.
"What's going on?" she whispered as she took in Mike's face and body language. Mike closed his eyes briefly then took a step away from the door.
"Tom and Sasha had a fight. Tom's a mess on our couch right now. I'm hoping Sasha is still here. I'm going to talk to her."
"Okay. Anything I can do?"
"I don't know," Mike said with sadness. "I don't even know if there's anything I can do at this point."
"Okay. I'll see you later," she said as she went on her tiptoes and kissed him. He watched her go into their apartment then he turned and knocked on apartment 205. He waited. He didn't hear anything, and he sighed. He knocked again. He heard someone moving around but she didn't come to the door. He knocked a third time.
"Sasha, it's Mike. Can you open the door?" Mike waited. He heard her still in the apartment. She didn't open the door. "Please?" Mike asked. He finally heard her coming towards the door and it opened slowly. Sasha peered out at him, and he took in her red swollen eyes. He gave her a tight-lipped smile. "Can I come in?"
"Why the hell not," she whispered, sounding defeated. Mike felt his heart sink a little more. Mike stepped inside and followed her to the kitchen table. She stood behind a chair, her hands clasped tightly to the top of it. Mike slid slowly into a chair opposite her. He hoped she would join him.
"Want to talk about it?" Mike asked. Sasha laughed a rough laugh, and Mike cringed.
"I'm sure he ran down to you," Sasha said.
"I'm his best friend, Sasha. I'm the one trying to help him."
"Yeah, well…" she started but she didn't finish as she averted her eyes from him. He watched as fresh tears spilled down her cheeks.
"He's trying," Mike said softly. Sasha huffed. "You have to admit he is different now than when he first got here."
"Maybe, but it's still the same shit, Mike."
"What happened?"
"What did he tell you?"
"I'm asking you," Mike said with a shrug. "Listen just because I've known him longer than I've know you, and I'm his best friend? Doesn't mean I'm automatically taking his side. I want to know your side too. I want to know how you are both feeling so we can fix this." Mike said. Sasha stared at him for a long moment.
"Maybe we shouldn't fix it. Maybe we aren't meant to be together. Maybe we're dragging this all out and maybe it'll never change."
"Oh, Sasha, I really hope you don't feel that way," Mike said feeling his heart sink for Tom. Maybe Tom was right. Maybe it was too late to fix the ill will between them. Maybe Tom had driven the axe just a bit too far before he sought help.
"I don't know what I feel, Mike," she breathed out as another rush of tears spilled. Mike nodded.
"I know that feeling. If it helps any he is down there right now broken. He thinks he's a fuck up and he's ruined any chance with being with you after tonight. So please. In your view, what the heck happened tonight?"
"Things have been good this week, but we haven't really talked about anything. We've just been…enjoying the moment. I know we need to talk things out but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that tonight happens every time."
"Fighting."
"It's more than fighting, Mike. You should see when he loses control. It scares me."
"He's never hurt you, has he?" Mike asked suddenly. Sasha's head tilted to the side as she shook her head slowly.
"No, not physically."
"But?"
"But I'm not one hundred percent sure he wouldn't if he completely breaks," Sasha whispered. That was a thought hard for Mike to wrap his head around. But he did know the violence Tom Chandler was capable of in the right circumstances. So was Sasha.
"Okay," Mike acknowledged. "What started it tonight?"
"He wants me to live with him. Here."
"And?" Mike asked. "How do you feel?"
"I don't think we are there yet. I don't think he is there yet."
"And what did you say."
"I told him no. Before I explained he got angry. He started yelling and said some things that he shouldn't have."
"Okay," Mike said. "Are you done with him?"
"I love him, Mike," she said with a fresh rush of tears, her voice catching. "And now his baby," she continued, her hand going to her lower abdomen.
"He loves you too. I'll talk to him. If he continued therapy and lives here, will you come visit him?"
"I feel like we're making a custody agreement," she said with a watery laugh. Mike smiled.
"Look, I need to go talk to him down there, and I need to be able to tell him what I think your reaction is going to be. So, I want to ask, what is your reaction going to be?"
"I'm not done with him, Mike. I see the progress he is making. I know the therapy is helping him. He's said some things this week that I never expected from him before therapy. So, I have hope. I just can't live with him…yet. Does that make sense?"
"Perfect sense. And you're willing to make an effort to keep the relationship?"
"I promise to keep in touch with him, Mike," she whispered.
"But you won't stay."
"All I said was I couldn't live with him…yet. I never said…I'm going to go back to Annapolis for now. But I have some decisions to make, and then I'll let him…or you…know what I want to do. Just…keep him in therapy?"
"I'm trying," Mike said as he stood and walked towards the door. He was almost out of the apartment when she spoke up.
"Mike?" she asked. He stopped and looked back at her. "Thank you for all of this." He nodded as he continued out the door and down the hall. He entered his own apartment and found Tom sound asleep on the couch, and Ginny sitting at the kitchen table. He sighed and walked over to Ginny, kissing her on the top of the head as he walked around her and took an empty seat.
"Trouble in paradise?" Ginny asked.
"Tom is having trouble controlling his emotions is all," Mike said, as he reached over and took her hand in his.
"Tom's been through a great deal of stress and pressure."
"He has. And more than anyone really knows. He…it was a lot to make the decisions he made. It haunts him. Everyone wants to look at him as a hero and he just wants to…"
"Be who he was before the red flu?"
"Exactly," Mike breathed out. "He's still in there."
"He's still him," Ginny said softly as she squeezed Mike's hand. "He may have changed outwardly. But he's still in there. That man he wants to be. He just needs to get through the layers of protection his mind made to keep him from going insane. Is Sasha leaving?"
"Yes, I think. I'm not really sure. She did make it a point she is not ready to live with Tom yet. She did say she was going back but it sounded like she wasn't completely against moving here either."
"They make a good couple when they aren't fighting," Ginny smiled. Mike nodded.
"Their relationship has been through a lot of trials and tribulations."
"Lots of history," Ginny said. Mike nodded slowly. He started to tell her of the long history between Tom and Sasha. A half hour later he stopped talking and stared at the tabletop. Ginny squeezed his hand and Mike's eyes slowly came up to meet hers
"You're a great friend," Ginny whispered as she leaned forward and captured his lips with hers. She pulled back. "Come to bed?"
"In a minute," Mike said. She nodded and got up and walked away. Mike stared at Tom for a long moment. He was about to get up and join Ginny when Tom spoke from the couch.
"She's right," he said. Mike frowned.
"Who?"
"Ginny. You are a great friend," Tom said as he rolled so he could look at Mike. Mike nodded slowly. "You think she's right about the layers?"
"How long have you been awake?"
"Long enough," Tom sighed as he sat up. Mike joined him on the couch. "Do you think she's right?"
"Yes," Mike replied.
"How do I break the layers?"
"Keep going to therapy. Keep talking about the shit in your head."
"Okay," Tom said. Mike hated how defeated Tom sounded.
"You, okay?"
"You sure she is leaving?"
"For now, Tom, but she's willing to stick this out."
"She said that?"
"She loves you, Tom." Mike said with a shrug. Tom didn't respond and after a long silence Mike continued. "I talked with her. She isn't ready to move back in with you but she told me she isn't opposed to living here. Just give it time. And keep up with everything."
"I'll try," Tom said with a sigh.
"Crash on my couch tonight. We'll figure everything out in the morning."
"Yeah," Tom whispered. Mike reached over and squeezed Tom's shoulder. He didn't know what else to say so he just got up went to his bedroom. When he got there Ginny was already asleep. Mike slipped the sweats off and climbed into bed, curling up against Ginny as he fell asleep.
To Be Continued…