"The worst thing you can ever think about as a firefighter is for the Battalion Chief's car to pull up in front of your house, the Chief and Chaplain to get out and walk up to your front door. Your family not knowing that when they open that door, their lives will be shattered. In one moment everything can change. Laughter can turn to tears, happiness to sorrow. In an instant your world gets turned upside down and inside out. A few days later your flag draped casket makes its way through the funeral procession and to a cemetery. A bagpiper plays Amazing Grace, a bell is rung in four blasts of 5 rings, the flag is folded, your family is told how courageously you served, and your brothers all wonder what went wrong? How did it happen? Why him? After 9/11 I saw it all too often. Memorial Service after Memorial Service, the lucky ones actually had funerals. I can't really say lucky though, those firefighters didn't know that when they left for work before that shift that it would be the last time that they said 'Goodbye' or 'I love you' to their families. Those of us who made it through left to sift through the rubble, move on with life. A few years past and we were still there in our houses, waiting for the alarm to call out our Engine, or Ladder, or Squad to respond to an emergency. And still, some of us don't return home from our shift. And that red Chief's car pulls up in front of our house, our building; and the doorbell rings, and the cries of our widow echo through the street or our building, the tears of our children fall in the church or at the cemetery. And our brothers give their condolences and help to make sure our family makes it through."
The red Chief's car pulls up in front of a little bungalow. Two men get out and adjust their dress uniforms. One is the Chief, the other the Chaplain. The Chief takes a deep breath and makes his way towards the front gate. He pauses to look at the little flower garden that made its way along the fence. Slowly he opens the gate and the two men make their way up the walk to the front door.
"Slowly we fade away, our name is enshrined on a monument or two, make shift memorials spring up. But we died doing what we love, next to being with our families. We died so that we might help one person in their time of need. My goal at the beginning of every shift is to be able to go home to my family at the end. I count myself lucky when I can do that. I mourn those who are lost, especially when that person happens to be one of my brothers. The house is never the same from that moment on. The flag flies at half- mast, a black drape hangs above the door. I hate that combination. The widow comes in to clean out the locker. That box, it signifies a life. A life cut short by tragedy. You hang the pictures on the door of your locker, of you family, your friends, and sometimes, that's all you have left to remember them by. You create a memorial somewhere in the house so that everyone remembers who it was that gave their life. A tragic event and you memorialize it so that some day some firefighter can look up and say 'They were truly the best.' And you move on. But each day when you walk in for your shift, you look at your lost friends, and pray for their help in protecting you, so that you can go home at the end of your shift to be with your loved ones. And in your hour of need, you know that they are there, watching, helping to make sure that you can accomplish that goal."
The guys mill around the firehouse, still covered in soot from the fire that they had just returned from. Most of them were sitting at the kitchen table; some had bottles of water in front of them. DK walked over and opened the window and lowered the flag to half staff.
"Someone wanna help me find the drape?" He asked, referring to the black drape that would be hung above the bay doors after the loss of one of their own.
"Sure." Mac said as he stood up from the table
"I can't believe this." DK sighed
"If I die in the line of duty, I'm not a hero. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I want you to know, that if it happens- it happened for a reason. And I have accomplished all that I set out to do in life. Don't cry tears of sadness, cry tears of joy. The joy of knowing that I died doing what I love- helping others. It may be of no comfort to you now, but someday you will understand that it wasn't by choice. If I could chose I would come home to you every night. But it's not by choice or design. Someone greater than I has chosen when it is time for me to leave this earth. Far be it from me to question the decision. If I am called away, know that you won't be alone. I will be with you, always." Walsh read aloud from a letter that he had found in his desk drawer one day.
The handwriting was Jimmy's, and somehow Walsh knew that Jimmy had meant to leave it when he transferred. Walsh had never paid attention to it until now though.
"If anything ever happens to me, promise me Billy that you'll make sure that Kim and Joey are taken care of." Jimmy said in the days following 9/11
"You know I will." Walsh replied
"You are one of my best friends." Jimmy smiled
"I'm never gonna have to worry about that though." Walsh smiled
He sat in his office chair still in his bunker pants. Soot still covered his face, and there were thin lines where his skin showed through. It was tough to swallow the fact that one of his friends was gone. He stared at a picture on the desk of Jimmy, DK, and Captain Johnson. He had taken that picture, all three of them smiling after a 2 alarm blaze. He wondered if he should take the Suburban and go to Kim's. By now they had to have delivered the news.
Taylor knocked on the door.
"You okay?" She asked
"I feel like he should walk in here any second now and ask me why I haven't showered yet." Walsh says
"Yeah, I know what you mean." Taylor sat down in a chair just inside the door. "DK lowered the flag. He and Mac are upstairs looking for the drape now."
"Thank you." Walsh thought about their own son and daughter for a moment, and what would happen if one of them never came home.
"What's that?" Taylor asked noticing the paper in her husband's hand
Walsh looked down, "A note that Jimmy left in the drawer."
He looked out the window as a rain began to fall.
"Has anyone called Johnson or Joe yet?" Taylor asked
"I don't know." Walsh said
"Maybe it'd be best if they heard it from you." Taylor smiled
Walsh dreaded the phone calls that he was about to make. He opened his file drawer and pulled out his phone listings. He carefully scanned through until he found Johnson, Francis. His fingers trembled as he dialed the number.
"Captain Johnson." He said. "It's Billy. Sorry to call you so late but I've got some bad news."
Walsh paused for a moment trying to fight back the tears that were preparing to fall.
"Jimmy's dead." He cried, "He fell, I couldn't hold him any longer."
He paused again.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this right now." Walsh cried as he hung up the phone
Taylor put her hand on her husband's shoulder. He was blaming himself for the tragedy. Walsh turned and buried his face in Taylor's stomach. He cried, she gently stroked his hair and whispered "It's okay, let it out."
The Squad was on scene of a warehouse fire that had quickly spread to a 3rd alarm. Battalion Chief Abbott had taken over command.
Jimmy and Walsh were at the command table awaiting instructions for their crews.
"I need your crews to go in and search. I've got reports of people trapped on the 4th floor." Chief Abbott said
"Got it." Jimmy said as he moved towards his Rescue crew
Walsh went over to his squad.
"We got reports of people trapped on the 4th floor. DK and Stu, team one. Mac and Logan team two." Walsh ordered
Jimmy walked over to him.
"For old times sake?" He asked
Walsh looked at Jimmy who had his air pack on and his mask in his hand. He was carrying a haligan bar. Walsh surveyed the scene and saw Taylor and Grace standing outside of their medic unit watching the action of the fire ground. Walsh grabbed an air pack.
"For old times sake." Walsh smiled
He looked once again to Taylor who wasn't paying attention to what he was about to do. He shot an almost mournful look in her direction and then grabbed an axe and walked with Jimmy to the entrance of the stairwell.
"You go, we go!" Jimmy said
"Brothers in battle." Walsh replied
The two made their way up the dark stairwell towards the 4th floor.
Walsh looked up at Taylor.
"I could have saved him." He said, "I just couldn't hold him anymore." He cried
"I know honey." She tried to comfort him, "You did all you could."
Walsh stared towards his desk and thought about it. No one knew how close they were to losing Walsh as well.
Jimmy and Walsh made their way across the metal planking that led to a machine shop in the back corner of the warehouse. It was more like an observation platform than a walkway. They could see the fire below them spreading from the presses. The building was built long before sprinklers became common place in large buildings such as this one.
Jimmy was ahead of Walsh making his way across.
"The floor's starting to buckle." Jimmy noted
"Let's just make this quick and get back out of here so that we can go home to our wives tonight." Walsh commented
"Yeah, hopefully Kaitlyn will have slept through the night without nightmares again." Jimmy said of his little girl.
"Or Daddy could just hold her so she knows she's safe." Walsh added as they continued on
"Fire department, is there anyone here?" Jimmy yelled into the smoke
He took another step forward when it snapped. The planking had been heated up more than they had realized. Jimmy slipped and fell, griping the deck as much as he could with his thick firefighting gloves. His haligan bar fell to the floor below.
"Hang on!" Walsh yelled as he lunged for his friend
"I'm trying." Jimmy said
"Lt 55 to command, 4th floor rear, firefighter down!" Walsh radioed
"Hold on Jimmy." Walsh said as he held his friend's arm, "I'm going to get you back up here."
Jimmy tried to help the situation but the heat was getting to him. Walsh was slipping a little too.
"Billy, let me go!" Jimmy yelled, "You can't hold us both up here."
"I'm not letting you fall." Walsh called out, "We're going to get back up on that platform."
The fire was burning brightly below them. The smoke was rising up. Walsh was trying to hold onto Jimmy with one hand and the railing with the other. He was starting to get sore, but he was determined not to let go. The heat was starting to get to both of them.
"Hold on!" Walsh called out, "They'll get us."
He could hear DK and Stu coming for them. They were only a few feet away when more of the metal deck buckled. Walsh could barely hang onto the railing. And that's when it happened.
"Jimmy!" Walsh cried out as he felt himself start to fall towards the flames.
He felt a hand grab him through the smoke.
"Jimmy!" He yelled as he tried desperately to grab him.
He could see Jimmy's face, his eyes looking up at him with fear. Stu and DK pulled Walsh up, but he fought to look down.
"Jimmy!" He yelled as DK and Stu pulled him away.
"He's gone!" DK yelled
"We gotta get out of here." Stu urged
They had drug him kicking and screaming out of the building. Then they had to physically restrain him as he tried to reenter the building against the orders of Chief Abbott.
Walsh sat on the back of Taylor's medic unit staring at the building glowing against the black skyline. Taylor was checking his blood pressure while he was holding an oxygen mask to his face.
"I'm fine!" He jerked his arm away, "I gotta go back in there and get him out."
"You're not going anywhere until I clear you medically." Taylor said of her stubborn husband.
Taylor had determined that he had been lucky- but she didn't want to tell that to him. She knew that he had lost one of his best friends, but no one wanted to accept the reality of it. Grace, Carlos, and Holly all stood nearby watching.
It took hours for them to finally get the blaze under control. And then they went in after Jimmy. Walsh had taken the helmet of an injured firefighter and he entered alongside Stu and DK.
"Jimmy." He called out hoping that he would hear him call to him.
But it didn't take long before the reality set in. They found Jimmy's body, his mask had melted. They all quickly turned away. Walsh felt sick to his stomach. Stu and DK took on the task of carrying his body out. Carlos and Holly had been waiting at the doorway with their stretcher. Taylor held the sheet that they would be using to cover him in.
Walsh ripped off his mask and rushed away, he didn't want anyone to see his moment of weakness. Taylor quickly covered her friend with the sheet. She had been a firefighter and paramedic for years but this was not a sight that you ever got used to. They laid his scorched helmet atop his body and slowly wheeled him towards the ambulance. A line of firefighters had formed on both sides of the path. They raised their right hands to the brim of their helmets in a salute.
Taylor closed the back doors of Boy 55-3 and Carlos slowly pulled away with the lights still flashing.
Chief Abbott looked at Taylor and Walsh. He immediately called for the Chaplain and another Chief to go to Kim's. Kim and Jimmy had remarried just months before their daughter Kaitlyn was born. Kaitlyn was about to turn six. Kim had taken a position at Headquarters that allowed her to have a 9-5 job. She was at home at their house on Long Island when the car pulled up in front.
Walsh wondered if they had told Kim yet.
"We'll go over there." Taylor said, knowing exactly what her husband was thinking about.
"I feel so bad for her and the kids." Walsh said
"I know." Taylor replied
The doorbell rang at 1:23 AM. Kim rolled out of bed.
"I'm coming!" She yelled as she tied her bathrobe together
Kim looked through the window and saw the Chief's car in front of her house. Her heart sank as she opened the door.
"Mrs. Doherty?" The Chief asked as he took off his hat. "May we come in?"
Kim nodded as the two men walked into her living room.
"You may want to take a seat." The Chief said as he motioned to Kim
The Chief looked around and saw all of the awards and fire department mementos that were hung around the living room.
The Chaplain sat next to Kim.
"Your husband, Lt. Jimmy Doherty, was at a fire tonight. He fell. There was nothing they could do. I'm sorry but he is dead." The Chief broke the news
Kim cried out and slumped to the floor, the Chaplain knelt beside her to comfort her.
"Jimmy!" She cried out as she rocked back and forth.
Joey had crept into the hallway after he had heard the doorbell.
"Mom?" He asked
Kim reached out for her son.
He didn't understand why there were two firefighters in dress uniform standing in their living room at 1:30 in the morning. Or why his mother was crying, not right away.
He looked up to her and asked, "Is dad okay?"
Kim pulled her son close to her. "Your dad's gone." She cried
The Chief watched quietly and then broke in, "If there is anything we can do." He said
Kim closed her eyes, "I'd like to be alone with my children." She said
They respected her wishes and before exiting they once again expressed their condolences.
Walsh rested his head in his hands. He brushed his hair back and took a deep breath. He still needed to call Lombardo.
He picked up the phone once again, trembling.
"Linda, it's Billy. I need to talk to Joe." Walsh said after a moment Joe was on the phone. "Jimmy Doherty is dead." He spoke into the phone. He was numb from this. "We got caught by a back draft. He fell." A few moments later he said goodbye to Joe and hung up the phone.
Taylor wiped away the tears that had fallen down her face.
"Let me make you some coffee." She said
"Thank you." Walsh sat by his desk
Taylor walked into the kitchen where DK, Stu, Logan, and Mac sat. Grace, Carlos, and Holly were standing by the counter. No one said a word until DK broke the silence.
"I can't believe it." He said
They were all focused on the loss of Jimmy, but only DK and Stu knew how close they were to losing Walsh too.
Chief Abbott had come into Walsh's office.
"I want you and your Squad to go home; we've made arrangements to cover your calls. You all need to get some rest. These won't be easy days ahead." He said to Walsh
"Thank you sir." Walsh said in reply
Together they walked to the kitchen. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at the two officers.
"Go home and get some rest." Chief Abbott said before he turned to leave.
Walsh spoke up. "Thank you DK and Stu." He said in front of everyone, "You two saved this house more heartache. Now everyone please go home and get some rest. We have a lot to do." He finished
DK and Stu each walked by and reassured him.
"It's not your fault." Stu said as he walked past.
Walsh went back into his office and slipped out of his bunker pants. He came back out to the table where Taylor sat.
Logan and Mac were talking about going out for a couple beers; everyone else had agreed to go along.
"You two wanna join us?" Mac asked
Taylor looked at Walsh and knew what his answer would be. "Nah, I think we need to just go home and spend time with our kids."
"Alright, take care." Mac said
Everyone was gone and Taylor looked at her husband.
"You want to go be with Kim?" She asked
He nodded and stood up. They pulled up a little after 2 AM. The light was still on in the living room. They walked up to the door and rang the bell. Kim didn't answer the door but Taylor could hear her crying. They opened it and went in. Kim was holding Kaitlyn and Joey was beside her crying.
"Kim." Taylor said as tears filled her eyes
Kim stood up and moved to Taylor who wrapped her arms around mother and daughter. Walsh put his hands on Joey's shoulders.
"I'm so sorry Kim." Walsh said
The days ahead them were hard and the dreaded day arrived.
The casket sat at the front of the church with the flag draped over it. A spray of flowers was placed neatly on top with Jimmy's helmet and a picture of him and his infectious smile.
The Squad sat uneasily in the pews of the Church. Their hats were neatly placed in their laps. Their blue dress uniforms were neatly pressed and showed no wrinkles. Occasionally, someone would reach up and adjust their tie. This was an all too familiar feeling for them. A somber mood filled the church. It had been years since they had all been united in Camelot. And even though times have changed, and people moved on, they were still all united under the banner. They were forever a Knight from the corner of King and Arthur. There were new faces mixed in with the familiar old faces, but they sat united as brothers (and sisters). They sat together as a family. Their faces were solemn; some of their eyes were red from crying. A few had tissues in their white- gloved hands. Some of them drifted off into thought, about the happier times. And some of them simply closed their eyes and listened to the words that the Priest said.
The church was filled with Jimmy's family, as well as other firefighters and police officers. Even Bosco was there with the 55th Precinct contingent of Davis, Sully, Yokas, Monroe, Finney, Sgt. Cruz, and Lt. Swersky.
Lombardo sat with DK, Logan, Mac, Stu, the guys from Ladder 100, Rescue 8, Doc, Grace, Holly, Carlos, Captain Johnson, and many other firefighters.
Captain Johnson took to the podium. He adjusted his tie, tugged on his jacket, and then cleared his throat.
"Every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. On our gravestones the beginning is marked by the day we were born, the end is the day we died. But the part that speaks the most to us is the dash that sits between the dates. That dash represents our life. It represents what we did- good or bad." He pauses, "I've known Jimmy Doherty since he first came to Camelot. He was arrogant but he could back it up with his every action. He was a good firefighter and friend. I was proud to watch him grow as a person and a firefighter. He came to me and asked for my opinion as to whether or not he should take the Lieutenant's exam. And my exact words were 'Jimmy, you can't stay here forever. You need to grow, and sometimes that means moving on.' I took my own advice and took the Captain's exam. The hardest thing I ever did was leave the 5-5, but I left it in the hands of Jimmy. It was rough going at first, but he learned, we all do. After a short time he got moved to Rescue 8. He was born to be a leader, you could see it, but we had to endure all the bumps along the way. He made me proud."
Captain Johnson took a moment and looked to Kim, Joey, and Kaitlyn. "Jimmy will never get to see Joey and Kaitlyn grow up in person, but Kim, you can bet he's gonna be there watching every step."
Kim wiped some tears from her face. Her mother was there beside her.
Captain Johnson paused for a moment. "So let's remember that we are not here today to mourn Jimmy's death, but instead to honor his life. Rest in peace my friend." Captain Johnson placed his hand on the casket and bowed his head for a moment.
The end of the service came as There You'll Be played. Walsh, DK, Lombardo, Stu, Logan, Mac, Taylor, and Captain Johnson approached the casket. They gathered around it. On the right side stood Walsh, DK, Stu, and Taylor. The left side had Captain Johnson, Logan, Mac, and Lombardo. In one motion they picked up the casket and followed the Priest and alter servers out of the church, through the crowd of saluting firefighters and police officers. Squad 55 sat in front of the church. They lifted the casket to the top and the Emerald Society Band led the procession in front of it, playing Amazing Grace. Kim was holding Kaitlyn's hand as Joey walked beside her. They were following the Squad, which was then followed by the pallbearers, and then finally everyone else fell in behind them on their way to the cemetery.
voiceover
"Jimmy Doherty was laid to rest that day. It took a long time for me to get over the feeling that it was my fault. That I had let Jimmy down. There was nothing I could have done about it. Stu and DK saved my life that day. That's really where the chapter of Camelot comes to a close." Walsh says, "I made Battalion Chief. Taylor went downtown to work with Kim. Kaitlyn and Joey have grown up so fast. Joey is getting ready to enter the academy (much to Kim's dismay). Taylor and I are expecting our third child. Our kids have grown quickly. Carly is entering high school now. Time flies. Soon she'll be dating and going away to college. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Our oldest boy, Tommy is entering the 3rd grade- says he's gonna be a firefighter when he grows up, just as soon as he learns to tie his shoes right. Look out world! We're expecting another little boy. This time we've already got a name picked out for him. Daniel James. We are one step ahead of the game this time." He laughs
"Joe Lombardo and Linda got married. They have a beautiful little girl, Kelli. He's fighting fires in Red Hook now. Stu Lotta Z's took over Jimmy's rescue squad, can't think of a better man for the job. DK just retired as Lieutenant of the 5-5. He married an actress he met and they have a wonderful little boy. Mac took over the Squad. Logan retired after 28 years on the job, said it was time to call it quits. Carlos and Holly Levine got married. They got a house on Staten Island and three great kids. Carlos decided to scrap med school, he moved up to EMS Division 2. Grace Foster became an instructor for EMS before she and Brendan Finney had their first child. In the end her mother was right. She became a teacher. We never heard from Doc after Jimmy's funeral, I've been told that he left New York. Captain Johnson retired from the FDNY he and his wife Ruth settled down in Hell's Kitchen. Their three daughters went off to college, got married, and had families of their own. My sister Ashley and her husband Andrew and my nieces
Amanda and Amy moved back to New York." He pauses again.
"Life has been one incredible journey. The road has been rough and a lot of heartaches came to pass. But in the end I think it makes us all stronger. I've grown from the experiences that I have had in my life. But no matter what, I will always look back on my days in Camelot and smile. I was part of something special there. And that, I wouldn't trade for the world."
The End