Purgatory Bust!
Part 1: A Taco and Driving
(starring Risika-Dragon (R-D), Visser Three, Visser One, and surprise guests)
Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs, nor Ellie or anyone else, or any events from Visser Three's Diary or JournalSinister Shadow was gracious enough to let me borrow. Again, thank you SS for letting me use your characters to my sick, twisted purposes!
(Setting: Road trip to New York, New York)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, I am Esplin 9466, but you always, always, always refer to me as Visser Three, the only Andalite-Controller and morph capable Yeerk in the WHOLE Universe. I don't know about the other Universes, but in this one, I rule.
AAAhhhh, life was good. Was. Later, everything just went fricking down hill, because of all the mistakes I and a certain dapsen (coughVisserOnecough) made. But at the moment, I was almost blissful with glee. Even with the whole I'm-with-Visser-One-ordeal.
Now you're probably thinking: who the hell is this nut job? Well, if you are, screeeew you. Let me rewind the events of the last couple days.
You see, just the week before, the Sharing was able to move onto new countries in the European continent. Now, this meant that Visser One, the so-called first pioneer to infiltrate the planet, and me, the guy who had to do all the hard work while she sipped martinis in the Staleen Nebula, had done a kick ass job.
Now, how were two high-ranking Vissers to be rewarded? Yeah, you guessed it! A VACATION! To where? To New York, New York!
However, it did suck for one thing: I had to go there…with Visser One. Shoot me, will someone please pull the trigger? Hundreds of miles worth of her bitching, slapping, and no rest stops. Which meant I had to cram in the back of the mini van--ugh, I hate these damn things!--throw a blanket over me, and morph back to my own body, back to the black guy I'd acquired.
Did I forget to mention that when we reached Alabama, we were chased by ghosts? Yeah, no kidding. Their voices were muffled, but I think they were shouting something like, "Tight Tower!" or "Light Shower!" at me. Don't ask me. Humans are weird.
But anyways, we were back on the interstate, with me trying to read the map while Visser One drove the crappy car.
"Do you know where we are yet?" the witch hissed. Her hand got a little to close to the baseball bat she had under her seat.
"Somewhere in Pennsylvania, I think," I muttered. I scrolled through all the crooked lines scratched on the map. Who made these things? Two-year-olds? "I think it's written in French, or Spanish, or…Taxxon?"
Visser One swerved to the side, missing an incoming truck. She leaned over to my side and sighed. "You dapsen, you're reading the thing upside-down."
Oh. Well…shut up! Those things aren't written in English.
"Why don't you drive and I read the map?" she suggested. "I am the top Visser for a reason, Esplin."
"What? Why do I have to drive?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's because I'm black, isn't it?"
"Argghh, I'm starting to think it would've been a better idea to drag Iniss or Ellie along, at least they can read!" she yelled.
"Are you PMSing again or something…OW!" The damn bitch hit me! "Get some anger management, you--OOOOWWW!" I yelled, as Visser One continuously tried to beat me unconscious with that bat. "STOP! STOP! STOP!"
Ooooh, how I long for the day to wring her--
"WATCH OUT YOU MORON, YOU'RE GOING TO RUN SOMEONE OVER!" I screamed. "YOU'RE SWERVING OFF THE ROAD!"
Scree-EEECH!
Visser One slammed her foot on the brakes before knocking a girl maybe fifteen years old into the next galaxy. Both me and the dapsen driver gasped as the girl calmly stared at us, probably thinking, 'Whoa, what happened?' She was pale skinned, with waist length brunette hair, and gray-blue eyes, kind of cute for a moron that almost got run over by Miss She-Devil.
The girl put down her sign that said, "Will Take Off Shirt For A Taco!" and came running over to us. Miss RoadKill rammed her fist against Visser One's window and bellowed, "Where'd you learn to drive! Jersey!"
I reeled down my window and shouted, "Eh, sorry about that. The driver's usually an idiot and can barely ride a bike. Pease don't sue!"
"Yo, you're Visser One and Three," the girl exclaimed.
"Huh? I don't recognize you--" Visser One started.
"OMG, I'm one of your biggest fans!" she screamed. She ran over to the other side of the car, struck her hand into my window, grabbed my hand and shook it until it got whiplash. "I LOVE CLOSET FAN!"
"Who the Quaker are you?" I asked.
"I'm ah-ahah," she stuttered, "I'm Risika-Dragon."
"What kind of name is that?" Visser One asked skeptically.
"A cool one!" she answered. "But you can call me R-D if you want." She stared at the crumpled map in my hands. "Are you guys lost?"
Then…MISTAKE NUMBER 1.…
"Yeah, do you know the way to New York?" Visser One asked hopefully. For some reason, I just had the worst sinking feeling in my stomach, and it had nothing to do with Alloran's intestinal troubles.
"Sure, I know the way like the back of my head," R-D said eagerly. "I've been wanting to go up there again. Pennsylvania's starting to get boring."
Now, let me remind you: we were asking someone with a sign saying "Will Take Off Shirt For A Taco!" to lead us to New York. Someone who wasn't threatening to sue our asses for nearly leaving her as a smear on the pavement.
"Okay, hop in," Visser One said. How many flakies did she have today!
"Thank you, gracious, et merci," she said, hopping through the window--I repeat, hopping through my window--like a Nascar driver and landing on my lap. "Hehehe, you're soft," she chuckled, then scooted between me and Psycho Driver. "Cool, I get to be with my favorite two Vissers, get a free ride, and go to New York!" Obviously, her parents had never taught her to stay away from strangers.
"So, what's with the sign?" I asked, trying to get comfortable in my seat after the asylum escapee threw herself onto me.
"Huh?" she glanced dismissively at the cardboard left on the side of the road. "Oh, I figured some retards would stop if they saw that."
"Hey, can you drive?" Visser One asked.
MISTAKE NUMBER TWO!
R-D's lips spread into a mischievous, Chester Cat grin. "Yeah, I can drive. I'm a total pro. A top of the class kinda driver. You name the road, I cruise it."
"Okay, okay, I just wanted to know," Visser One exasperated, hand twitching inches away from the baseball bat on the floor. "So get over here and drive!" Visser One unbuckled her seat belt and crawled into the back, settling down as if she were going to go to sleep.
R-D bounced over to the steering wheel, looking like an excited seven-year-old on twelve cups of Mountain Dew. She licked her lips greedily and grabbed the wheel, gray eyes shining silver with insane delight. "Oooh, it's just calling me," she whispered, chuckling.
"So, erm, what rank are you?" I asked.
R-D turned her attention away from the keys and turned serious. "Oh, I'm not a Yeerk. I'm human…mostly. I simply write and read too much about you two not to recognize you when you tried to kill me." Strangely, the last words were said expressionless.
Wait, that made no sense. None whatsoever. But I had barely any time to ponder that, before…
"Heheeheeheehee! This is gonna be fun!" R-D yelled, turning the keys in the ignition and letting the engine give a startled purr. "Seatbelts everyone! BEEP BEEP!" Who was this psycho?
She slammed her foot onto the pedal and all hell broke loose!
She speeded pass the limit for Earth vehicles, going up to seventy miles an hour. WHAM! Visser One slammed into my seat, screaming in pain and shock. I gripped my own seat, praying to every Andalite and human and Yeerk and Hork-Bajir and Taxxon god there was.
"Wah-HOOOO!" R-D shouted, roaring the car into overdrive.
"Car car carcarcar!" Visser One shouted over the mini van's raucous. "Left, left left! We're going to hit!"
"Our father, who art in Heaven, hollowed be thy--" I started.
SCREECH! R-D spun the wheel, weaving through traffic like…well, like Visser One, times one hundred! She revved the car faster and faster, laughing with childish glee, and caused…oh, I don't know how many car crashes.
"--name, thy Kingdom come, on Earth as it is in Heaven--" I added.
"Oh, this is soo much better than Mario Kart and Grand Theft Auto," R-D approved, turning the car to the left and plunging between a Subaru and a pick up truck. She reeled down the window and shouted at the red pick up, "Wanna race me, mutha fuckas?"
"Slow down you freakin' dapsen!" Visser One cried. "You're going to get us killed!"
"YAAAHHH!" I leapt for the wheel and pulled us off to the side of the road, and dived bombed for the brake. We stopped and both of us Vissers panted, while R-D kept up the adrenaline buzz. "Okay, I drive, you navigate, and Visser One? Try not to puke in the back, kapeach?"
"Hobey-ho, let's go!" Can you guess who said that? I'll give ya three and the first two don't count. "Sure I can't drive a little more? We're probably half way there already."
"What is wrong with you!" Visser One fumed, whacking the crap out of R-D.
"OW! I have--ow!--A.D.D.--ow! Please stop hitting me!" the crazy girl cried.
To think, that wasn't even the beginning of our troubles…. Sigh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There we go. Okay, now the fun will really begin in chapter two! Where me and Visser Three die…wait, that sucks! Read and review!