Purgatory Bust!

Part 2: Dead and Debts!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of K.A.A.'s characters, nor Ellie or anyone else of Sinister Shadow's O.C.'s. However, I do own me and whatever crazy shit I happen to do when I die.

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Three hours. Three hours with Visser One's louder than a Dracon beam explosion snoring--not so sexy now, is she Councilor Eight?--and R-D's constant twitching when she stared at the wheel and gear shifts. More than once I had to slap her with a pipe I found rolling around on the floor.

"So, can I drive now?" R-D asked, drinking the coffee I was forced to get to stop her chatting self…for two seconds. Two wonderful, amazing, blessed seconds.

"No," I muttered, trying to concentrate on the road. Remember, Visser Three, anger management, no decapitating of possible hosts, anger management, no decapitating of possible hosts. "How the heck do you know about the Yeerks anyway, if you're not a host already or an Andalite in morph?"

The girl shrugged, counting trees outside her window. "Like I said, I read the books and fanfics about you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked, eyes starting to slide close from nonstop driving. So boring…need to annoy someone…

R-D finished her coffee, making that annoying suck-suck-suck sound with her straw. "I think…I stepped into another dimension. Perhaps I did a tesseract, the whole five dimension theory of moving past time/space continuum boundaries. Or maybe I stepped through some kind of gateway…"

"Forget I asked," I groaned.

"I might have been drunk too…" she murmured. "Hey, I'm starving, you wanna go get somethin' at eat?" She scanned the line of gas stations on our right.

"Again? We just passed through a McDonald's!"

"Sooo? Their food sucks. Haven't you ever watched Super Size Me? Or heard of the two second rule?" R-D shook her head in pity.

So, after her constant begging and screeching chatter, I was finally forced to stop by a Taco Bell. At least the psycho was willing to pay. Note to self: Pick up more crazy fan girls along the road. All in all, we ended up with three burritos, seven tacos, six quesadas, a packet of nachos (we'd never forget our special little Visser One) and two Cokes. But another note to self: sauce packets are dangerous fuel.

"Mild, hot, or fire? Oooh, ooh, so hard to choose!" she cried, picking at the red, yellow, and orange packets. "Oh my God, they're psychic!"

"What're you talking about?" I asked.

"This one says I will enjoy something nice and spicy!" R-D cried, looking at the Fire packet as if it were the Holy Grail. "Oh God, I can't just leave them! They've no family to go to!"

"WHAT!" I asked.

"I shall take you with me, my little ones! To the promised mouth! Come with me!"

So, after getting kicked out of the restaurant, causing other customers to trash their meals, and R-D saving her spicy friends, we managed to get back to the mini van without any casualties.

Apparently, Visser One has a good sense of smell. She yawned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, looking not-so-cute--at least in my opinion--after a nap bouncing in the car. "Where…are…we…?" she asked drowsily.

My mouth was full, so R-D gulped down her Coke, and said, "I think we're in Erie, Pennsylvania. Should be about five or six hours 'til we hit the Big Apple."

Visser One combed her hair through her fingers, trying to look like the planet oppressing Numero Uno Visser she was. "What're you idiots doing?"

I swallowed the tasty chunk of beef and cheese and whatever else they put in a burrito, and said, "Sitting at some fast food restaurant eating take out. What the Seerow does it look like?" Geez, was she blind?

R-D chowed down on a taco, reminding me so much of a Taxxon chowing down on fresh, raw, juicy brother Taxxon. Was that what she meant when she said she was human…mostly? "Hey, how 'bout we hit Niagara Falls afterward? I've always wanted to go there."

"And I've always wanted to push Visser Three off a cliff," Visser One said brightly.

I tossed a tiny bag into the back seat. "Oh yeah…we didn't know if you liked Mexican food, so we saved you some nachos and the rest of my Diet Coke."

Visser One grumbled, "Gee, thanks. I guess you forgot to notice the fact that my host is Hispanic!" Hmmm, was that a type of food? "Hey, this idiot got four tacos, give me one! You eat through your hooves for Seerow's sake!" Wow, what's with that Andalite today?

"Bite me, Moron One," I mumbled through the melting cheese and steaming ground meat. Oh, the tastes! Oh, it was going to be awesome when we take over this planet. It was like there was an orgy in my mouth. (A/N: Can anyone guess where that came from?)

R-D licked her yellow smeared lips and tapped Visser One on the shoulder. "Whatever, get up here and drive loser. Visser Three's exhausted and he doesn't trust me for some reason." She sighed. "I crash into two cars, run over just one bystander, and suddenly my driving priveliges are revoked. I thought this was America! Land of the free!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Mack truck smashed into our car and killed us instantly. Wow, how random is my life?

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I heard R-D, as if she were somewhere far away, in a distant echo, say, "Ow. I can't feel my…entire body…"

I turned my stalk eyes of my Andalite form around, gazing at the eerie landscape. It was all sky blue and veiled in twisting, white mists swirling around the two of us. R-D looked like she was on the verge of a panic attack. Me, I felt…sweeeeet. What was there to fear, to hate, to cry out for? I felt giddy and strange.

I felt kicked off and…flew! It was the coolest thing EVER. (WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm weightless! Are we high?)

R-D did a front stroke over to me and asked, "How much of the maple-and-ginger did you sprinkle in your soda?" She shook her head. "No, we're not on the weed or the Quaker." We weren't? She said, rather bluntly, "We're dead."

I paused to consider that, floating about as if I got shoved through an airlock. (Oh….) I thought of all the things I'd left in the living world, all the tireless work of achieving my goals, to become the new Visser One, then eventually a Councilor, maybe even Emperor. (I'm floating!) I turned and did a somersault through the air.

R-D's head darted about. "Oh shizzles! I think we lost Edriss. Where is she?"

I snorted at that. (Who…cares? Where are we?)

R-D shrugged, causing her to drift sideways, left and right in the anti-gravitational world of mist and sky. "I dunno. Probably the gap between Earth and something new agey like that." She leaned her head back, looking upwards, causing her to do a back flip.

I ignored her and kicked downwards through the air. I had the greatest urge to calm her down with my wonderful singing. (She was one of the acrobat's daughters. She swung from her teeth on a noose. But one sad day, the rafters gave way, and she flew through the air like a goose!) I laughed my butt off like a dapsen.

"Is she alive?" R-D panicked. "Is she Earthbound? Are we Earthbound? Oh good God, no!"

I continued on with my songs, trying to calm her down. (Come, Josephine, my flying machine. Going up, she goes, up she goes!)

R-D started patting her back and chest frantically, which drew my attention my intoxicated state. No! I wasn't looking at what you're thinking, perverts! I was, erm, just…curious! Yeah, curious at what she was doing. "Ok, breathe," she said. "First…check for silver cords."

I raised a stalk eye at that. (Huh, excusez-moi?) Neato! I could speak French! Take that Napoleon!

R-D rolled her gray-blue eyes, which seemed to now have taken an interesting shade of silver. "You know, those thingies that keep our souls tethered to our bodies when we astral travel?" She sighed heavily. "Wow, haven't you ever read a Sylvia Browne book?"

(Oh, of course! Those!) Actually, I didn't know what the hell she was yapping about. Who was Sylvia Browne? (And where would those be exactly?)

R-D swam/flew over to my side, grabbed my deer-like half's fur to keep from floating away. "Females connect at the breastbone, center of emotion. Males connect at the mid-forehead, center of intellect. So, mine would come from my chest and yours would be coming out of that thick skull of yours."

I pondered that and yelled, (Holy Oatmeal, I think you have one!)

"Really? For rizzles?"

(Yeah, but it's faint. You'll have to take off your shirt to see--) I'm not a pervert! No, no, no! I thought I saw one..ah, shut up! (--it--OW!) The crazy freak slammed her sneakered foot into my flank and tackled me! (OW! Stop, STOP STOP! I'm kidding! OW! Leave my stalk eyes--who's there?)

A female Hork-Bajir stepped out of the mists, wading her way towards us. As she came over, the fog thinned and dispersed, and both R-D and I fell onto the white marble floor beneath us. The Hork-Bajir waved a clawed hand. "Hello, I'm Aldrea and I'll be your parole officer this evening."

(ALDREA!) Great, just the dapsen I needed to see at the moment of my death.

"Oh no! Not you two jackasses! What happened to you two?" Aldrea groaned.

"Farfetched traffic incident," R-D answered.

I wanted to bolt out of here, because her appearance could only mean one thing. I tried to speak, but my voice was choked with the knowledge of the inevitable. (Oooooh mah gahahad, Ah'm iiiinnnn heeeellllllllllll!) Well, it was a good thing I could still hold onto my dignity.

"Unfortunately, no," Aldrea said, glaring her green eyes at me. Yeah, well, we kind of have a history together. Gulp. "Sorry, but um, I'm assigned to her." She jerked a clawed thumb at the silver-eyed wacko beside me.

"Oh…?" R-D exclaimed.

Another figure emerged from the vast, opaque whiteness around us. "Like, I'm with stupid," Ellie said. Oh wonderful. This dead thing was getting better by the minute.

"Hey, I didn't know you died!" R-D exclaimed. "How's death treating you?"

"Shaweet!" my intern said, holding a clipboard in her left hand.

(Huh? You two know each other?) I asked.

Ellie giggled her please-blow-my-brains-out-annoying-as-hell giggle. "Like, Visser, that's like the dumbest question since, who's like Jack Sparrow?"

I groaned and decided to not ask her anymore questions. I turned to Aldrea, who stood smugly to the side. (What's this about parole?)

The Hork-Bajir nothlit shrugged her thick shoulders. "That's just an expression."

(..For…?) I pressed.

Ellie jumped in, chewing on a thumbnail and nervously glancing at my twitching tail blade. "Um, like, I don't like know how to like tell you this, so like, I'll just tell you like straight out like now." How can anyone fit six likes in a single sentence?

Aldrea sighed. "You have to go to Purgatory."

That didn't exactly sound too damning my soul to the pits sounding, but there was something to the way she said it. (Oh, that's bad, right?)

"You have like no clue, do you?" Ellie asked.

"Yeah, unfortunately," R-D muttered, glaring at the ground and counting the trail of smooth tiles. Uh-oh. "Some Catholic afterlife. A horrible existence in a void and there's chains…hey, wait a moment! I'm a Presbyterian Christian, not a damn Catholic."

(And I don't even know any human religions, let alone follow them,) I said.

"Why'd we end up here?" R-D growled, eyes like cold steel. Double uh-oh. R-D, repeat after me: do-not-loose-control. I-do-not-want-to-be-sent-to-hell. Please-shut-up-NOW!

"You have some like debts to pay off," Ellie answered, stepping back from the enraged nutcase.

(Debts?) I asked.

Aldrea grabbed the clipboard out of Ellie's hands. I figured she was trying to pick out which war crime I committed or person I murdered. This would take awhile. She said coolly, "Let's see…how about the time you stole Andalite porn before you even got Alloran? Or when you stole red panties from a department store? Or--"

R-D glanced at me questioningly. "What were you doing with red--"

I leaped forward and slammed my hand over her mouth. (Ah, hahahaaaaaaaaha, let's not get personal now.)

Aldrea cleared her snake-like throat and quoted, reading the scroll, "'Overall, a mean, selfish, greedy bastard. Pessimistic, murderous, insane, and distant to the point of shutting out the rest of society while worrying only about himself.'"

R-D whistled. "Damn, they got us good."

I rolled my eyes at that. (Oh, pff. That's only because everyone else is an idiot. Where'd you get my résumé, anyhow?)

"Saint Peter," Aldrea answered.

"Like, duh," Ellie added helpfully.

(Okay, you don't have to get snippy about it!)

"Tell me my horoscope!" R-D cried.

Ellie grinned and waved her hand in the air, drawing a thread of mist towards her and condensing into a sheet of paper. Show off. She quickly read over it. "Like wow, you're such a bitch. 'Airheaded, sarcastic, and bipolar. Always committing idiotic acts to snare people's interest, while being secretive and hateful of other human beings. Nobody ever has her full attention and her A.D.D. is enough to offend the calmest of people.' Hey, there's a footnote. 'Also suspected of being bisexual.'"

"That's bogus," R-D commented. "Me? Since when have I done anything stupid?" I hugged my sides so I wouldn't start huffing, the Andalite equivalent of laughing.

"Like, how about the time you like dressed up as like Batman and walked around Walmart hissing at people and like scaring little kids, screaming like, 'To the Bat Mobile, Robin!'?" Ellie asked oh so innocently.

"I got ten bucks for that!" R-D defended. "Besides, what happens in Erie, PA, stays in Erie, PA. And I'm not gay!" She glared at me, losing control and huffing. "Oh, shut it. Remember when you reached the Empire Building and thought some male host was handsome?"

(Who would you know--) I remembered her discussions of reading about me and the Yeerks and everyone. Great, the bitch can blackmail me now! (….moving on.)

"So we have to repent?" R-D asked Aldrea.

"Yes."

"In Purgatory?"

"Yes."

"For being ourselves?"

Aldrea snapped at her, "Stop looking at me as if I'm some manical Yeerk asshole like him." She cast a glance at me. Coughbitchydapsencough. "I didn't make up the rules. King James did, er, I mean, God!"

I laughed at that. (Yeah…sure…right…) Who was King James?

R-D leaned back against me, grinning slyly, then focusing back on Aldrea and Ellie. "Let's think this out logically."

Aldrea's tail swished in agitation. "You're not making my job any easier," she murmured.

"Ok, God creates the Universe, 'kay?" R-D started.

(Here we go, one more time,) I said, fighting the previous urge to sing the rest of the song. I knew it! I just knew it! We were going to burn.

"People really believe the point of existence is just a battle over whether the Big Cheese cuts us puny human and Andalite and Hork-Bajir and Yeerk and Taxxon souls some slack, by either sending us to Paradise or shipping us off to Hell?" R-D asked in her best smart ass tone.

Aldrea bit her green tongue. "Uh…" She started babbling in her absence for an explanation like she always did. "Well, um, the er…salvation…and Beelzebub…."

I stomped a hoof at that. (Oh puh-lease. That's more self-centered than I am.)

"Yeah," Ellie agreed, "it like, is."

R-D turned her back on the enraged Andalite-gone-Hork-Bajir, folding her arms across her chest and grinning. "Looks like you'll have to get Lucifer himself to drag my ass away, because I believe in the "quick to forgive, slow to anger" God, with compassion for everyone. Not this hateful, judgmental guy who sends you down with Hitler and Jack the Ripper, to punish you for idle "sins", A.K.A. natural human mistakes and desires he implanted in us in the first place."

I stood, thinking of those words. Ellie bit her lip, pondering, "Hmmm…like….she actually like has a point."

Aldrea scratched her chin. "Well…" She paused. "..okay." A silver whistle appeared in her fist and she blew with a shrill, ear pitching noise.

A plume of fire, smoke, sulfur and brimstone erupted from the marble floor. In front of us stood a furry, red humanoid creature, with scaly black wings, horns, a pointed, barbed tail, and goat legs, with long, yellowed fangs, wearing a tuxedo and a tie.

"Dick?" R-D asked. "Dick Cheney? Is that you?"

The figure snarled at us, puffing his big chest out manically. "Insignificant mortal fool! You must forever burn in torment and despair! Sink into the quicksand of your own meaningless existence. For I, Lucifer, King of Lies and Prince of Darkness, shall claim your worthless soul! WAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!"

R-D jumped back and hid behind me. "Fine! I'll take Purgatory! But I won't like it!"

Aldrea smiled coyly at us. "That's better."

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Hehehe, I always imagined I'd smart mouth the parole officer. Ahem. Next up: Part 3: Astral Traveling and Enlightenment!

To my reviewers:

Voodooqueen126: And you all thought he had no sense of GOD! Muhahahahaaha!

Sinister Shadow: Yes, I LOVE CLOSET FAN! I want to see some lip smacking in the Journal. They're just so cute. Oh, and the sign? Yeah, me and my friends had dared each other on Christmas to hold up signs along the road. My friend Nick had to hold up one that said, "Will screw fruits and fats for a donut!"