Purgatory Bust!
Part 3: Astral Traveling and Enlightenment!
Disclaimer: I do not own Animorphs or Ellie or anyone else of Sinister's characters. I still declare that I'm a free born American and claim my ideas on the spirit world and Purgatory. Take that Pope Man!
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One thing they need in Purgatory: home decor.
We were led forcibly back into a small apartment by two guards, seemingly human, but when the pair of us, R-D and I, tried to fight them and escape, they overpowered us easily. Drugs are bad and so are steroids! Damn performance enhancers…
Thing 1 and Thing 2, as I shall deem them, since the bastards wouldn't give up their names, pushed us into our tiny room. There were two beds--or should I say, mattresses--on the floor. White. The plastered walls and tiled floors were blank and uninteresting. White as well. The door to our cell was polished steel, with a tiny slit to slide in food and grass, but…you guessed it, also painted white. Never again would I look at Skim milk the same way again.
I glared at R-D. Why did she have to be Caucasian?
"Stay," Thing 1 growled.
Thing 2 closed the door. "Here." The flap of the door tilted upwards and a mixed platter of green grass and a ham sandwich slid through. "Eat."
(Not very talkative, are you people?) I asked. Right now, I would've settled for Ellie for company. Shiver. How desperate are these people going to make us?
R-D stared listlessly at the slimy, green splattered sandwich and collapsed on one of the beds. "Ug." She got to her feet, smiled at me, and leapt at me. "Still soft."
I sighed, too tired and exhausted to deal with the monkey hanging on my back. (Oof.) I fell onto the floor, trying to find something, anything, to entertain my eyes.
"Oh meh gawd!" R-D grumbled.
I lazily turned a stalk eye at her. (Bad day, I'm presuming?)
"Ya think!" she practically shouted, rolling off me and landing flat on her back on the floor, scratching her camouflage pants. "Today, I had to pay for tricking some girl into paying me ten bucks when I started a fake, reincarnation religion in school." She muttered to herself, "I thought God would be amused when I told her she started her first life as a Yeerk…"
(Huh?) I asked. Was I supposed to be honored or appalled? Or maybe just creeped out? Yeah, creeped out was it.
"I'd rather not tell, but come on. What a gay ass punishment! Let's just say: if I ever see another toilet in this life or the next or whatever, I'll rip it out of the floor and beat Aldrea unconscious." She shivered, and I finally realized what that smell had been.
(Oh, puh-leaze, little dapsen writer. I had to do time for chomping down Elfangor a year ago,) I grumbled, poking at my now irritated stomach, and slammed my blade into the bed. Didn't even rip the rock hard surface. Wonderful. (He wasn't even that tasty! I was stuck on the toilet for a week!)
"Don't say the T-word!" she shouted, huddling into the fetal position. "Wouldn't unclog…too much waste…no plunger…it took the plunger!"
(Breathe, R-D, breathe!) I cried. (You are not leaving me alone stuck in this evil place.)
The brunette finally stopped hyperventilating after, oh say, ten minutes maybe. But who's counting? She poked at me curiously with her forefinger. "Hey something's been bothering me."
(Wow, you finally say that now?) I asked, wagging my tail in boredom.
She continued to prod me with the digit. "Yeah. You're a Yeerk, Esplin, but you still retain an Andalite body. And you haven't bitched about Alloran's complaining."
(Yeah, I've been wondering about that too,) I said. (Maybe when you're dead, you're able to choose the form you take. In your living body, your particles are almost like inflexible steel, but your spirit is like loosely sculpted clay.) Oh yeah! Take that Eivan Six-Seven-Nine, Mr. Yeerks-Have-No-Genders. Who's the sciencey whiz now? Who's gonna be on the New Yeerk Times cover now! Oh wait, the deceased don't get to be on the cover of Empire magazines. Whoops. (Anyways, this means…)
R-D grinned. "Morph off contest!"
We turned away from each other, and I thought of the one creature that could scare even the Emperor. With a maniacal voice and hideous form, I turned around and met my match, staring at R-D.
Of course, sadly, I was first to panic. (AAAAHHHH! Paris Hilton!)
R-D ducked behind a mattress, crossing herself. "AAAAHHHH! Hilary Clinton! Change back, change back!"
We returned to our own forms, me an Andalite, her a psycho human. (Never ever again.) I shivered. (Crap, now I'm going to have nightmares…)
R-D brushed herself off--even though this place was disturbingly clean, like Ellie's pink room--and tapped her chin. "So, about this particle thingamagig. Does it only count for us? You think we could do the same for objects?" She picked up the ham sandwich, closed her eyes, and concentrated. The food began to change.
My three hearts beat fast. Maybe she could make a key to get out of this place. Or a Dracon Beam to blast down the door.
The item took shape. It was, it was…
"Aha! I did it!" R-D cried, swinging about with the can of Maibock beer in her hand. "Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord, amen!"
(Oh great we're saved,) I muttered dryly. (Now we can drink our troubles away and get stuck in here another few years for alcohol overdose.)
"Heheheee!" she cried and gulped down the beverage, continuing her little dance.
The aftereffects were interesting…
First, her face twisted in pain and disgust. Then, her dance slowed and she fell to the floor, bawling. Finally, she spat out the beer and went into hysterics again. Oh goodie. "What kind of sick, twisted hell is this!"
(What? Is it poisoned!) I cried. Don't tell me the dead could die again!
"Ih..ih…it's stale! And nonalcoholic!" she screamed. "Why God? Why must this suffering continue!" She ran at the door and slammed her fists against it. "Hey, you two guards, Dumb and Dumberer, get back here! Someone's got a lot of explainin' to do 'round here and it ain't me!"
Suddenly, a loud rumbling shaking sounded and both of our heads snapped at it's direction, echoing through the chambers.
(What in the, well, Purgatory is that!) I yelled. (Someone turn the damn thing off!)
"I think it's an ice machine," R-D muttered absently.
I groaned. (Of all the places in this hell-hole, we get the frickin' ice machine! The ice machine, for Seerow's sake! Someone just shoot me already!) Maybe I was being slightly moody, but that thing was louder than an Ozzy Osbourne fest.
"This blows!" Miss Obvious announced. "Let's go get Visser One, see what she's doin'."
I took my fingers from my ears. (We can do that?)
"Well sure!" R-D said brightly. "Don't you have a single drop of spiritualism? That's the beauty of being dead. You can go anywhere you wish to be. Well, within the 74 Universes, of course."
(Wow. That's a lot of infinite space,) I said. (Can we teleport?)
R-D winked slyly. "Now you're catching on." She grabbed my hand and we vanished.
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First thing I noticed was smoke and shattered bits of metal everywhere. I blinked to clear my eyesight and noticed dozens of people in suits and blue outfits. I stiffened, not recognizing anyone from the Yeerk Pool, but realized they were taking notice of me or R-D.
(Where are we?) I asked.
"Ouch. Brutal," R-D said. "The site of the accident." She pointed to a severed, black skinned, human hand. My morph's hand. R-D laughed and picked it up, throwing it at me. "Hey, Visser Three, can you lend me a hand? I can't find mine."
I dodged the body part and watched it land in a pile of burning flesh. (You a sick, demented individual.) A black bird with a skinny, pink neck landed on the flesh pile. (Stop pecking at my body you vulture, you! Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you, baldie!)
I crouched back on my legs--
"What're you doing?" R-D asked nervously.
--and leaped!
(Die, birdie die!) I screamed.
R-D shook her head, grumbling, "We're already on COPS, we don't need to be on Ghost Busters." She jumped and tried to tear me away from my prey. "Put. The. Bird. Down."
(YAAAAHHHHH!) I yelled. (Who wants a piece of me, now?) I whipped my tail about. (Say 'ello do my liddle friend!)
"Visser Three, leave the birds alone!" R-D cried. "There's a discount on oatmeal at K-Mart!"
I stopped my attack. (Really, which one?)
SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
"You idiot!" R-D cried. Did she have to overact about everything? "Let's go before the Sci Fi crew gets here."
I rubbed my sore cheek, and in a semi colored blur, we were off!
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We ended up in one of those soap opera, cliché hospital rooms, with the TV on the wall chattering about some fakey romance, the food tray covered with empty cartons and plates, and a bunch of primitive, beeping machines.
Behind a curtain, was Visser One. Her skin was pale and hair a black, ruffled mess, sticking up in all directions. Wires and tubes poked in and out of her skin in a complicated matter, and bandages were wrapped around her in a mummified way. The heart and brain wave monitors beside her bed gave off a dramatic, definite beep! every two seconds.
That stupid car accident had ruined her beautiful form! How could those assholes called "doctors" let her suffer! Put her out of this wretched pain, you dapsens! Ahem, cough, you didn't read that. Erase that from your memory this instant, or I'll Dracon you!
No, she was my enemy, now shut up you stupid conscience. I cocked my head to the side. (Awww, she's in intensive care.)
R-D clasped her hands together, cooing, "And the rest of her family and friends are thousands of miles away in California or space. Councilor Eight might not even know about her."
Hah, served that fool right…
(And she needs machines to survive,) I commented. (And she probably wouldn't be in our hooves, er, shoes. I mean, she's anti-religious, but--)
"Yeah."
Out of nowhere, I said softly, (Let's pull the plug.)
"WHAT!"
I shook my head, and gathered my thoughts. (Um, yeah, she doesn't deserve--)
"She obviously does," R-D said.
I rolled a stalk eye at her. (Oh come on. She practically beat you unconscious with that bat of hers. And let's not forget the HCF event, if you know so much about my and her lives. So let's do it.)
"Esplin Nine-Four-Double-Six," R-D growled slowly, and stuttered, "It's just…Closet Fan…and the fights…hate meaning something else...um…"
(What are you talking about?) I asked.
R-D bit her lip. "YOU can't do that."
I sighed. (Fine, let her suffer.)
R-D was about to reply, but exclaimed, "Who in the shit hell is that?"
I shifted my attention to where her gaze was pointed, back at the hospital bed. Rising out of the crippled body, was a much healthier and more attractively beautiful--you did not read that--Visser One in her host's form, just like me.
(H-h-hey,) I stuttered, (we were just talking about you.)
R-D added, "Yes, how bizarre."
Visser One scowled at us. Nice to you, Miss Tramp of the Year. "I see you two dapsens crossed over okay."
R-D scratched her head, grinning wryly. "Actually, no…we're doing time in Purgatory, but thanks for the well wishes. I think."
How could she know…? (You knew we were dead?)
R-D shook her head in pity. "Duh, dude. Her soul obviously felt us passing into this room. You're like a brick wall to all this."
(Well, soooorry. Some of us have to spend a little time conquering galaxies and species, not sitting on the couch watching evangelists.) I clopped over beside the bed and passed my see-through hand into Visser One's head. (Can you feel me now?)
"Hah, hah, very funny." Visser One snapped, "Keep the hands above the waist, bucko!"
Who did she think I was? Iniss?
(You're one to talk you little slu--hey, how can you be right there? I mean, your body's right here, last time I checked.)
"You're astral traveling?" R-D asked skeptically.
"Mm-hm," Visser One nodded. "That's right. My host body and even my Yeerk self are all ghetto now."
"I see," R-D said.
Something caught the light, twining out between Visser One's breasts…gimme a break! That's where it was. (And that gray, shining thread coming out of your…back of your chest…silver cord?)
Visser One nodded. "Good eye."
R-D leaned back against the wall. "As it is written, 'Remember him, before the silver cord is cut, then the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to the God who gave it.' Ecclesiastes 12 : 6, 7. I always wanted to quote that."
Visser One raised an eyebrow. "Meaning…?"
R-D sighed. "Until we die, our souls will always be pulled back in after an astral trip."
"Oh."
(That crazy crap's in the good book?) I asked.
R-D chuckled. "Try Revelations. They got dragons and locusts and prostitutes and scrolls and skulls popping out of hell in that one."
Was the human race wasted twenty-four/seven? Apparently so. Maybe I'd read this book sometime. It'd be more entertaining than Iniss's journal at least.
"Yeah, well, I was starting to zone out in here," Visser One commented. "Purgatory, huh? Harsh."
(I still refuse to believe in it,) I muttered.
R-D cracked up at that. "That's only because his intern ended up as his Gary Coleman-guardian angel."
(NO! More like warden,) I grumbled. (Visser One, you'd better spend all your bad karma before you die, because death's the bitch, not life.)
R-D glanced outside at a towering clock nearby. "Oh shit! We have to get going! You can't tell time at all when you're stuck in the spirit world!"
"Yeah?" Visser One inquired.
(Alright, remember, healthy thoughts, happy places,) I advised. (Try not to kill too many of your underlings next month, okay?)
"You're one to talk," Visser One quipped. "Have fun purging yourselves."
(Don't get raped in bed!)
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Our atoms rearranged themselves back in our apartment. Ah, home sweet home. I was beginning to miss the sweet, nerve wracking whiteness…not. Both R-D and I settled on one of the rock solid mattresses.
R-D stretched out on the thin slate of bed. "We need to do some feng-shui."
The door slammed open and in stormed Aldrea, nostrils flaring and eyes wide. She looked as evil as Dick Cheney, I mean, Lucifer. She closed the door behind her and stepped between us. R-D cast me a sidelong look.
Aldrea huffed and wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Oh! You're back." HUGE smile. "So, how was our little trip?"
(Fine…) I said, just a little disturbed. What was going on?
"How can you people do this shit to me? I'm just doing my job," Aldrea mumbled, suddenly depressed. "I mean, when you're an overweight child, born in a society that demands perfection, your views on right and wrong, fair and unfair, will always be tragically skewered. Do you want to get me fired? It's a hard enough existence as it is."
R-D and I shared a look, R-D looking as if she were about to comfort the moaning girl.
The Hork-Bajir suddenly freaked out, going from suicidal to homicidal, and screamed, "What the hell were you two morons thinking! You haven't even reached the point of enlightenment!" She waved her bladed arms in the air like a, well, like a raving dapsen. My bad. "You can't simply travel back to the mortal realm!"
Oh no, someone had too many flakies today. Ritalin or Prozac anyone?
(Apparently we can since we just did,) I scoffed.
"Why you--"
"It was an emergency," R-D piped up. "We were bored as hell and you know what? Both of us are sick of this stupid, unfair, sadistic, hypocritical place, with you, you manipulative, arrogant, little, conniving--"
I ran over and slapped my hand over her mouth before she could finish that statement. I whispered, (R-D, maybe it's not a good idea to upset the parole officer. You know, the person with the papers that'll send us to either Heaven or Hell. The person who may have had a few to many drinks today.)
Aldrea chuckled. Oh no. It was never a good thing with the crazy people laughed after a rant, I oughta know…erm, rephrase that. "FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS!"
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Oh where, oh where, shall our journey lead us now? Only if you review shall ye find the answer!
To my reviewers:
Voodooqueen126: I hope that answered your first question. Your second one will be answered in the next chapter so review….would I have really ended up in Purgatory?
Sinister Shadow: Poor, poor Yeerk, he really needs to tie his life together before it…never mind. Anyways, yes! Yes! YES! Lip smacking!