Purgatory Bust!

Part 4: Salvation and Lovers!

Thanks Sin, for being the only reviewer, but since you and Darth and Voo still like it, I'll continue. You'll even have your own little parts in Chapter 5. (winks)

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I sighed. Could my life…I mean, death…get any worse? Really, I want to know.

Aldrea, Thing 1 and Thing 2 had forcibly--what? you think they just asked us?--led us to a…yep, white room. The walls and door were all the same egg-shell shade, as well as the chains that bounded my tail and hooves, as well as R-D's arms to the wall.

R-D stared sadly at the chains around her wrists. "Apparently, we missed some anti-travel rule." She rattled the cream-colored cords of metal. "My wrists hurt."

(Yeah,) I agreed, my tail twitching and making a clanging sound as the steel hit against marble. (And you know what? I am so, so, soooo sick of the color white!)

R-D grinned smugly. "Then not all is lost!" She pressed up against my flank and whispered coyly in my pointed ear, "It will pleasure you to know that I have a Sharpie in my pocket. A GREEN Sharpie."

I groaned. (Actually, that just made it worse. Doesn't the color green symbolize life and healing?)

"Ouch, the cruel irony," R-D muttered. She shook her chains some more. "This wanks."

I rolled my eyes at the obvious complaint, but for some reason my gaze stayed on the white chains bounding us inside. Without these metallic ropes, we could easily stride out of here, since the door was unlocked, a mental slap in the face to us captors. The chains seemed to whisper to me somehow.

"Well, since we're going to be staying in here for awhile, we may as well learn some things," R-D said. "Did you know that you can tell a sumac tree from others by breaking off one of the leaves, crushing it, and sniffing the remnants. They smell just like old Taco Bell burritos!"

(And I care because…?) I muttered distractedly.

"Well, don't eat them. They taste awful, pine needles are a different matter," R-D said oh-so-wisely. "You haven't sucked up anything through those hooves until you've tasted the tea."

I interrupted our intellectual discussion, by asking, (How strong do you think this metal is? Could it hold under a powerful pulling force?)

R-D furrowed her brows. "Huh." She tugged at her chains, which refused to budge, but then bit down with her teeth. She released her hold and licked her incisors. "I'm betting if I had a pair of wire cutters I could…oh! Why didn't you think of it before? We've been in here for probably five hours."

I scowled at her and whipped my tail. FWAPP! The metal length on my muscled, blue limb fell away. FWAPP! FWAPP! FWAPP! FWAPP! My hooves were free as well, and I started towards the door, reaching for the handle.

I felt as if I'd forgotten something.

"Visser Three!"

(Fa-ine,) I muttered and lashed at R-D's ropes. FWAPP!

"Ow! You stupid, son of a…" R-D sucked on the line of red blood on her arm, glaring up at me. "Could you be any lousier of a aim?"

See, this is why I don't like to help people.

(Okay, first you want me to sever the chains, now you don't. What is it? We don't have eternity to decide, you know,) I said, narrowing my eyes for another whip. FWAPP!

R-D rubbed her arms and smeared the spilt blood on her camouflage pants. "never mind this stupid cut. Let's get the hella outta here before the twins come back."

And with that, the horses were off! Or whatever that human sayin' is. R-D and I motored our legs down those halls, a blue and tanned blur, with chestnut hair and tail whipping back in our downdraft. Unfortunately, we happened to pass a sleepy eyed guard on the way. The Taxxon screeched gibber-gabber and waved his dozens of arms.

"Oh, be quiet!" R-D kicked the bloated worm and I smacked him silly with my blade.

"Screeha screechi nisss!" the Taxxon screamed, which in human terms means, "You hit me you fuckers!"

Another person appeared, with Aldrea at his side. He looked human, with brilliant, shimmering green flecked ebony feathered wings, dozens of emerald eyes across his face, with no nose or mouth, covered in black fur, and with a twitching, spaded tail. Weird, huh? Even weirder was the fact that he was wearing a toga and wielding a light saber.

R-D's jaw dropped. "It's y-y-you…you're Gabriel, the archangel!"

(That's an angel?) I asked incredulity.

R-D rolled her silver irises. "Duh. Haven't you read the Bible, yet? I mean, the first thing angels always say to mortals is: fear not. You didn't think they were just big dudes with dove wings? In a world with centaurs and dragons flying around, how would that be scary?"

(Alright, alright, I get the message,) I growled. (Let's run now.)

Again, we ran and ran…yes, we ran some more. But no matter how hard we dashed, Aldrea, The Thing brothers, Gabriel and a few others were closing the distance between us. I knew that sooner or later they'd catch us.

But then, as if God Himself had finally shed some mercy on us, in the middle of the hallway, shining with an unseen spotlight, was…

"Oh my God, is that what I think it is?" R-D asked, awed.

I panted, lungs on fire. (Yep. Hallenjuhua,)

"Hallelujah," R-D corrected.

(Whatever,) I shot back. (Let's get out of here.)

We leaped into the beautiful, magnificent golf cart, me crammed into the back and R-D in the driver's seat. In the heat of the moment, I'd forgotten one important fact.

(Drive! Drive! Drive!)

"With pleasure," R-D said giddily. A few gears pushed and turned, and she had the engine mumbling. "Just listen to that baby purr."

(Why would anyone stick an infant into a vehicle's engine?)

Before we could ponder that, R-D kicked the car in gear. We flew down the halls, but suddenly, instead of getting farther away, our enemies seemed a little tooo near for comfort. It was as if…

(You dapsen, you threw it into reverse!)

R-D cracked the gearshift forward and now we were making a clean getaway. I won't go into how far or long it took for us to get out of there, but once we were out of Asylum 666, I cried with joy.

(God bless the Homeworld! Yeee-hah!)

Then R-D crashed into an oak.

After R-D spent five minutes apologizing to the tree for leaving a dent in its bark, we raced into the spiritual, misty, gloriously colored forest of oaks and maples and poplars and pines--yes, R-D had spent a little too much time telling me about trees in our little hellhole--to hide near a thicket of juwle weed and brambles.

"So what do we do now?" R-D asked.

(How should I know? You know more about this shit then me,) I muttered.

R-D leaned back against a autumn ready maple, the bark almost a lustrous purple, like rosewood--geez, I should be on Discovery Channel or something. "Seeing as we're the only two fugitives in the whole soul system, I dunno." She closed her eyes and pursed her lips. "Maybe I was wrong."

(What do you mean?) I asked. (You've been wrong about everything we've done so far. What else could there be?)

R-D sighed. "I need to rehash my ideas on the spirit world and Heaven. Maybe--"

I twitched my tail. (Thank the stars. I've been waiting for a religious epiphany, I'm so bored.)

R-D picked up a dried maple leaf and crushed it in her hand. She said in a hushed tone, like she had some great secret, "Some people believe 'no fear of the afterlife, no religions at all.' In part, I believed that too, but atheists and others were wrong, it's not people like the Catholics who are at fault. I mean, sentient beings can't focus on good and Heaven and God twenty-four/seven. Most spend time thinking of evil, hell, and the devil. It's human and Yeerk and everyone else's nature. Fear overpowers hope."

I leaned against a dying elm, the few remaining leave's shadows dotting my fur with patterns. (And you're saying this because…?)

R-D picked up a helicopter seed, twirling it in her fingertips. "I've always been loyal to ideals of creation and all that shit, but I've seen too many priests and bishops use an element of fear to drive people into cornered faith. The idea that some use terror instead of hope to pollute minds thinking mainly of hell sickens me. And I've always had an aversion to nuns."

(And your point is…?)

"By your standards, I should be in Hell. But I'm not."

(Well, I guess… If you put it that way. I should be in the pits too for all the crap I've pulled off.)

"Didn't Jesus himself say that it was when the Shepard found the missing one sheep, that he was truly overjoyed, instead of the ninety-nine others who hadn't gone astray?" R-D said, dropping the maple seed to the ground, watching the wingtip flutter. "Maybe redemption is stalling for time. Maybe forgiveness waits right where you fell… Where you can run to escape yourself."

I blinked. (Salvation is here?) For some reason, I felt suddenly enlightened. It made too perfect sense.

"Yes I am," a voice said.

R-D turned her head in the direction of the voice, while all I had to do was turn a stalk eye. Unneeded, unwanted, Councilor Eight appeared, brushing thorny vines away from his legs. He grinned, smoothing back his blonde hair.

(Oh no, not you,) I groaned. (I said "salvation", not "damnation".)

Councilor Eight's shoulders drooped. What, did he expect a big, warm welcome? In a lowered tone, he said, "Hurry, there's not much time."

R-D beamed. "I love that line! Which movie was that relating too?"

Councilor Eight looked warily around, as if the world around us was about to collapse. For all I knew, it probably could. He quickly explained, "You see, when the Mack truck collided with your car, instead of your own lives flashing before your eyes, your negative attitudes and vivid imaginations unleashed a particularly powerful tulpa-like force, then combined, trapping your own selves in a poltergeist resembling void of guilt and religious propaganda."

R-D cocked her head to the side. "Interesting."

I clenched my fists and snarled, (Why didn't you just tell us we were in a poltergeisty existence before?)

"You two just learned your lesson," Councilor Eight defended. "I'm not the one making this shit up anyways, you are. Now let's move."

(We're still alive, then?) I asked hopefully.

R-D kicked at a cluster of red and orange leaves. "Well, that's the thing: we can't be, because even people in near death experiences still have silver cords, now wouldn't they?"

(Unless…) I leaned back against a tree, disbelieving. (What if this isn't an astral experience at all? What if one of us is having…some sick nightmare?)

R-D said, "It's probably me, with all the religious opinionating and the green Sharpie you wouldn't have known I had."

(That doesn't fit. You didn't understand why I had my Andalite host body still. And what about the wardens being Aldrea and Ellie?)

R-D stepped closer to my face. "What about the silver cord thing? And the 44 Universes?" Her hands were clenched closed.

I pressed my slitted nostrils against her human nose, starring eye-to-eye. (How about the "Come, Josephine" and the apartment with the ice machine?) My tail was a tightly strung, coiled muscle, ready to roll some heads.

Sensing the possibility of a fight, Councilor Eight intervened and pushed us apart. "Break it up, break it up! No, noobs! That's not it! You're still in your bodies, just in a weird, anti-existence. Why do you think Alloran isn't paying off debts with you?"

"Hot piss!" R-D swore. "Didn't see that one coming."

"But to escape this place, you must survive…The Hall of Horrors!"

(Sounds terrifying,) I said dryly. (Wait, why doesn't Visser One have to suffer it with us? She's here to, isn't she?)

"Sure she is, it's just that…she'll be paying off in other ways…" The Councilor's eyes lit up with a lustful urge of delight.

I could imagine… Him and Visser One wrapped up in each other's arms, coiled together like a pair of lusting serpents. They'd get together on some silky bed, fluttering each others' lips across their flesh and… Disgust of some unknown kind settled in my stomach. I didn't want to think of him on her.

R-D raised an eyebrow at me. "Hey, V-3, I can see steam rising off ya."

Calm down you stupid dapsen, I cursed myself. Who cares who that whore is with?

The Councilor ignored me. "Your worst fears are about to be unleashed. Have fun…"

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Wow, Mr. Visser has possessive issues, huh? Here's to you Closet Fans! Oh, a shout out to VooDoo, Sin, and Darth. Next chappie is the next!