Okay, everyone, this is the stunning conclusion to Purgatory Bust!
Purgatory Bust!
Part 5: Movies, Hatred, And All That Junk!
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Door 1: Movie Horrors!
Councilor Eight waved his arm in the air and mist gathered around us, shutting off the view of the forest and in the next instant, we found ourselves in a boxed up hallway--I guess that might have to do with the whole "Hall of Horrors" crap. Anyways, on the end of the hall, a lavender door appeared. Lavender…something didn't stick well with me about that…
(You expect us to just walk into whatever room that is?) I asked dryly.
Councilor Eight raised an eyebrow at me. "You know, your next duty in Purgatory was to scrub out the Andalite toilets."
Oh good Akdor. The images of that… Being an Andalite-Controller, I knew full well the terror that would be unleashed. No wonder R-D was crying yesterday…
(Okay, let's go Risika!) I said cheerily, before the Councilor simply pushed us down the hallway and through the door. No, I'm not talking about just opening really quickly for the pair of us, we just slipped through the door. Freeee-eeky.
There were no lights in the room as we crashed onto the too-lightly carpeted floor. It reeked of piss and puke, and the floor was sticky with some combination of pop and the former two. I groped blindly in the dark, trying to untangle myself from R-D.
(Are we in hell?) I asked nervously.
"No, we're in Santa's workshop," R-D quipped.
(Could you cut with the sarcasm?) I asked.
"Actually, I did have a nightmare where Santa's wife beat the crap out of me with a candy cane and the elves gave me hickies," R-D defended.
(I really, really, really didn't need to know that.)
The lights finally flickered on and we found the pair of us in a dimmed red room, with a stained carpet and rows of seats leading up to a blank, giant, white screen.
"What?" R-D muttered. "This looks like a Carmike Cinema."
(Let's just sit down,) I said. (At least you won't be sucking this filth through your hooves. Oh--BLECH!) Right then, my fore hooves stepped into a blackened puddle of what could've been piss or Pepsi or vomit. If I was lucky, it was just soda. C'mon!
I sniffed my hoof. Nope. Just urine.
The movie rolled onto the screen and on played a movie entitled, "Nightwatch."
"Brace yourself," R-D grumbled, fingers digging into the velvet seating.
If only I'd listened…
Okay, I think I have the plot figured out. There's this guy, who wants to get back at his wife, so he goes to a witch to kill the unborn child with black magic. Then, she's busted by a police force called--tuh duh--"Nightwatch" and the guy sees them, soo… No, scratch that, that isn't right.
Okay, okay, so now he's a vampire five years later and he has to stop two other vamps from killing some kid…wait, that isn't it either.
Now, there's this girl, who's cursed to destroy every life she sees or comes in contact with. Puppies die, flowers wither, people fall crippled or disease, blah blah blah. If she isn't stopped, a war shall be unleashed between the Nightwatch and Daywatch…
Um, wait…
I grabbed my stalk eyes and pulled viciously at them. (What the Seerow's going on? I-I-I c-c-can't figure it out! This is driving me insane.)
A tear slid down R-D's face, followed by others. "But there's no plot." She became caught in an existential quandary, stuttering uncontrollably. "No point. No essence. No purpose. No meaning. No plot…"
SLAP!
R-D rubbed her sore jaw. "Thank you, oh good God, thank you!"
The next movie rolled onto the screen, called, "The Break-Up." Oh goodie.
All it's about is this dry humored, ridiculously stupid couple who tries to tie their marriage together after they're unable to cope with being with each other. AS IF there aren't ENOUGH damn SITCOMS with the same damn IDEA!
R-D spat on the floor. "EW! I hate these two 'STARS'… And this plot? Beyond stupid." She turned to me and stared. "UM, Visser Three? Are you alright?"
I pointed at the screen. (S…s….sl….slut…sl….)
Finally, up came everyone's favorite: "The Da Vinci Code."
R-D sighed. "Oh no, I've read this book."
(What's it about?)
"Everyone's looking for the Holy Grail, which happened to be Jesus's wife and descendents, and the Catholic church tries to hide it."
(Why would there be a movie contradicting the Catholic church into a giant conspiracy in Purgatory? I mean, if we learn the real truth…)
"For one thing, the Teabing character is wrong about everything."
(What about the Last Supper?) I asked.
R-D snorted. "If they took time to look at other Leonardo paintings, they'd noticed the guy made any clean shaven and young guys feminine in his paintings. The guy on Jesus's other side looks like he has a bigger bosom!"
(And Constantine?)
"The Bible's book's were decided one hundred years before Constantine's time. And Christianty being the official religion? Excuse me. It was only legalized, because before then, the Romans were finding new ways to torture and execute Christians. Forget this whole war between the Pagans and Christians." R-D shook her head. "Seek The Truth my ass."
(And the Priory of Sion?)
"It was started in 1957, not 1014. Any documents saying so have been proven false by hundreds of historical researchers."
The movie was only halfway through before R-D was drooling.
(I thought you were against Dan Brown and his false theories.)
"It's not that. I still think he should be here with us watching this crap he plagiarized," R-D said and licked her lips. "It's just…he's so hot!"
(Who? Langdon? Gross, he's even nastier then Iniss and I didn't think that was possible after that ultimate sit-up business,) I said.
"No, no, not him. He's a prick." She gestured at the next scene in the church with the Roseline. "HIM! Silas! The albino, isn't he just...um, um, um."
(You have got to be kidding me. He's insane and screwy in the head.) Wait, what was I saying? That made them perfecto for each other!
"So are you and you're cute, as a Yeerk or Andalite. Can we get an albino?"
Door 2: Human Hatred!
We stepped lightly back into the hall, still just a leeettle sickened by "Streetfighter," "Waterworld," and the remake of "The Omen". The images wouldn't leave my head… Such horrible plots, horrible characters… Thank Jesus we didn't see Fantastic Four.
"Maybe it's not worth it, our own bodies and lives I mean," R-D said and grimaced.
(Oh come on, it won't be that bad,) I assured, though my intestines were gurgling louding in discomfort.
"Okay, then you open the door," R-D said, as the yellow door appeared on the side wall while the lavender one disappeared.
I reached out for one of the monster morphs in my DNA fountain and twisted open the doorknob, all three hearts throbbing in a mad race to leap out of my chest.
Please tell me this part of the anti-existence would end soon…
See, I recognized the black walls in the large waiting room-like place, with one long white bench in the middle, where Ellie and Iniss sat patiently as if waiting. An Iniss with buck teeth and colorful thinking hat that is, as well as the transparent red bottle.
"Isn't this…" R-D began, but I guess she knew. It was that damn dream again!
Iniss ran over and wrapped his arms around my upper torso, crying pitifully. "Please, please, help me, Visser Three. I can't fill my bottle! I need the water!"
(What's so important about…?) But just as I was about to finish that question, Buck-Toothed Iniss disappated like a cloud of wet fog, his sobbing lasting only a few more seconds.
Ellie ignored that action and stared at us distantly, as if WE were the ones not real in this fake version of limbo. "Like, hello Visser, hello Dragon. He comes for us, Esplin. He comes with tiger grace and teeth and power, ready to snatch her away for the gorilla. Rip her from the head and starve her. Help her, Visser Three!"
I raised an eyebrow at R-D. (Okay, at least in the dream, she's sane.)
R-D blushed. "My bad. I think my influence is melting into this place, as well as your thoughts. I always thought she'd make a cool Drusilla-version Yeerk."
Ellie rose from the seat and did a pirouette, smiling eerily at us. "He comes with big teeth and jaws, crunching you Visser. He and the Blue Deer."
(Who and who?) I asked.
Ellie came over to me and sank to her knees, playing with the hem of the black--I know, no PINK!--dress. "The Tiger, and his companions. They come and munch your flesh, munchy, munchy, munchy. Come and crunch your bones, crunchy, crunchy, crunchy."
I shivered and stepped back from my lunatic intern. (Ellie, maybe you should lie down, you know? Take a nap and a few--okay, a LOT--of pills?)
"But the Tiger will get me too, and poke out my heart, feasting on it. He wants his brother back, the other Tiger." Ellie scrambled to her feet and spun and danced in an insane display. "The cat comes at night, joins in the fight, filled with spite, and kills you with his might! Mean, mean kitty!"
R-D shook her head. "Maybe I should lay off the sumac."
Out of nowhere--well, I guess that goes without saying--Iniss returned, with a blobbish figure. Norm. Iniss continued crying and pointed wildly at me accusingly. "He can't, he won't find the water for my bottle. Why won't he?"
Norm stared at us, in a…SHOOT ME! He was in that damn Speedo! YAH! "Norm sorry, Norm not know Visser here." He pointed at Iniss and Ellie. "These two not have their meds yet."
"What about you?" R-D sighed.
"Norm not understand. Norm like this all the time."
(No kidding,) I muttered.
Now Ellie danced like a little gypsy for R-D. "Risika, Risika, tell us the truth, save us and our youth. Save us from the bloody tide, tell us where the Andalites hide." She grinned playfully and spider legged her fingers up R-D's leg. "You know them, you see them, tell us, tell us! The Tiger's getting closer, the Blue Deer sharpens his blade. They slice time, they mend it, they bend it. With sharp teeth, sharp blade."
R-D started backing away. She was crazy, insane, and freakin' weird, as I would have expected this behavior from her, but she knew when enough was enough.
A loud giggling erupted from nowhere and R-D and I sent questioning looks at each other. The threesome in front of us disappeared, Iniss crying, Norm staring stupidly around, and Ellie laughing hysterically, replaced by three figures in the back of the room holding a sign saying, "I LOVE CLOSET FAN!"
(What the HECH DOES THAT mean?) I cried.
R-D giggled but stopped when I threw her a menacing glare. "Nothing, nothing. It's this new, er, closet cleaner spray that works with a fan. That's all." She gestured to the people in the back. "That's Sinister Shadow (Sin), Darth Vader es cool (Darth) and Voodooqueen125 (Voo)."
(Were all your parents retarded when they named you?) I asked, before the mass of Sin, Darth, and Voo surrounded me. A line of sweat ran down the side of my face, as I raised my tail in alarm.
"Oh my God, I love you!" Voo cried.
"WHY THE FRICK ISN'T BOB HERE!" Darth bellowed.
Sin pushed R-D to the side. "You dapsen, why the heck was Ellie insane? And Iniss? Well, actually, I have nothing to say there, but…"
R-D shrugged. "My story, my rules."
"You already have The Demons. You should at least keep her in character--"
Their argument lasted until I understood a little about "The Demons." I poked R-D and Sin in the shoulders, and asked, (Hey, what happens to me in the end?)
R-D pursed her lips in thought. "I think you go insane or die. Probably get killed by Aximili…why are you looking at me like that?"
Five seconds later…
"I'm sorry! AAAHHH! I promise to at least give you your own--OW!" R-D barely managed to duck a swing for her head. "I won't--HAHAHAH!"
Three seconds later…
"DIE!"
I run full-out away from the girl who'd somehow found a baseball bat--don't ask me how. (Put it down! You're going to hurt somebody!)
"Yah…you!" R-D quipped.
"Jerry! Jerry!" Darth and Voo cried.
Door 3: Panic Scenario!
Finally, the three fans got sick and tired of our fighting, and practically shoved us out of the door. We stumbled, movements slow and unfocused, as we ducked and swung blows with tail blade and bat. R-D tricked over a snag in the white rug and fell face first, panting.
(OH YEAH! I WIIIIN!)
"Well, you know what?" R-D panted. "Your momma's so fat, that when she sucks up her Kandrona, the other Yeerks--hold up, what's going on?"
The yellow door disintegrated, and was replaced by not one, but TWO red doors. One had in flowery script RISIKA-DRAGON written on it, while the other stated in italics ESPLIN NINE-FOUR-SIX-SIX.
(Two doors?) I asked skeptically.
R-D giggled. "Don't worry, we'll find each other. Besides, due to the telepathic theories of some, we might even be able to watch each other's tests. Interesting, no?"
(No,) I muttered, pressing my finger against her door and a thin line of smoke rose as it scorched my finger. (Guess we can't cheat on these.)
"Nope," R-D said, before entering hers, waving good luck to me before her door sealed back into the wall.
She was right. As she passed through, through her eyes, I saw the scene. At first, all I could make out were hazy, in descript smoke, with wild figures dancing within it in a massive mosh pit. Loud headbanger music vibrated the thickened air.
The shit-smelling fog cleared enough for R-D to make out her adversities. They were more dangerous than a pack of hungry Taxxons, than a battalion of well prepared Hork-Bajir, than my most fearsome alien morphs, than a half-naked, horny Iniss. They were like cockroaches, able to take in many poisons immune and still live in human society. They were…
HIPPIES!
"Why me?" R-D moaned. She coughed on the smoke and turned around to realize the crimson door was gone. "DAMMIT!" Hippies danced insanely around her, as the bat fell from her weakened hand. "Where's Buffy the Crackpot Slayer when you...need…haa--" She fell to the ground, gasping on the nasty fumes. "Air...I need…"
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I shivered as the thread of thought melted away and I stood in front of my own portal to insanity. Taking a deep breath, I entered into my own panic filled destination.
How could I ever explain it? It was horrible beyond words. It was like some human bar, but a THOUSAND times worse. Black lights were strewn across the ceiling and men stood at tables with poles affixed in the middle, dealing out wads of cash. Strippers, human females and males and all the in-between, danced disgustingly on the tables.
A pair of men dirty danced and some Drag Queens kissed.
(EW!)
An almost beautiful, long black haired sexy woman leaped onto a chair and flipped up her mini skirt to reveal…she wasn't exactly a woman.
(EEEWWWW!)
Some nineteen-year-old girl belted out Jessica Simpson lyrics.
(NO! NO! Serenity, NOOOW!) I curled up on the floor, afraid to go anywhere in this horrible stand of hell. (Heaven, stars above help me!)
One Drag Queen with hickies and bruises on her face and, um, downwards place strutted over to me and slapped my rump. GROSS! "Hey, hottie, you a part of the donkey show?"
(The what?) I asked. (Who are you?)
She smirked. "You can call me…Yasmine…"
She licked her lips.
Door 4: Personal Terror!
R-D regained consciences and managed to knock the thrity-year-old hippie off her. She picked up her bat and swung it at him, breaking bones and tendons.
"Get away from me you filthy piece of pot trash!" R-D ran as fast as she could, blockaded by air headed morons and gasping once more for wonderful air. An emerald door showed up in her path. "About time you assholes!"
Now, she found herself once more in a white room, with no windows or doors leading in or out. There was a body in front of her, surrounded in a pool of blood. She moaned an animal sound and found her right leg chained to the floor, yanking until she FINALLY realized puny human strength wasn't going to cut it.
"Why don't they ever come with manuals to this spirit world stuff?" R-D mumbled. She studied her surroundings. "Why am I thinking gay ass plot? I feel like I should recognize this place."
A taco and a Maibock beer appeared just out of her reach.
R-D tried to reach forward and brushed up against something. She looked down at the jagged edged, rusty saw at her feet.
R-D groaned. "Reeeeeal original."
The body rose stiffly from the ground, wiping the blood from his torso.
"SOOO saw THAT coming." Guess who?
The man grinned smugly at her. "There's only one way to do it. You could just wait for the door to appear."
R-D looked from the saw to her ankle to the taco and beer. "It's not worth it…but I am hun--no, not worth it!" She bit her lip. "But…"
She picked up the saw.
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The jade door came to me and I nearly wept with joy, trying to ignore the grunting and groaning underneath me, and finding the strength to destroy the tethers bounding me to the floor. I went through the door--
And found myself back at the Earth stationed YEERK POOL! I could practically hear the almost nonexistent sound of the Kandrona that only a Yeerk can hear sing to me like a long awaited lover. Even the wailing of hosts was music to my ears.
(YES! I'm BAAAACCKK!) I cried out, but no one seemed to notice. A Hork-Bajir stepped passed me and I turned to him. (Hellooo? Hey you, big, dumb, and ugly, how about a little respect for your Visser, or I'll--EK!) My hand passed through his shoulder when I tried to turn him around. (What's going on?)
"Good to see you, Visser Three," the Hork-Bajir said. "Congrats on the promotion."
Huh?
A human-Controller, who's host I recognized as Tom Berenson, nodded his head curtly. "The old Visser was a complete moron, I mean, with the right resources, any dapsen could've figured out that the Andalite Bandits are--did you feel that?"
"Feel what?"
I couldn't believe my ears as I lashed out my tail blade, which only passed through Tom, unable to make true contact and decapitate him.
"A sudden chill or something," Tom said. "Never mind. But as I was saying, I found it interesting that the leader of their little band is actually--"
(WHY WON'T YOU DIE, DAMMIT!)
Door 5: Debt Decisions!
"I CAN'T believe IT!" the formerly dead body guy muttered. "You ker-raazeey bitch!"
"Believe it," R-D crowed, limping on her bloody right stump towards her prize. "This should prove that Homo sapiens don't give up that easily." She stumbled and cried out in pain as she fell her right side, inches from the taco and beer. "Maybe I should have thought this through. This hurts!"
A black door came into focus. Come to me…
"In a minute!" R-D reached for her food and beverage. "Almost there…"
The door opened by itself and drew her towards it.
"NOOO!"
She reemerged in a room full of abstract mirrors and eyes dotting the frames. Don't ask me about it! I don't know what the heck was going on. A guy with scaly red skin and a whipping barbed tail grinned amused at R-D, wearing oversized clothes, silver chains, and gold on his grills.
R-D shook her head, blinking away blood loss dizziness. "Yo, Snoop."
"I ain't no Snoop, I be Leemon, yer own inner demon," the man said. He twisted his middle- and ring-fingers together and held out his left hand to R-D. "West Side."
"So I guess if you're my demon, I shouldn't trust you," R-D drawled.
Leemon waved his hand and R-D's foot reappeared, and a new surge of fresh blood coursed through her. "Yo, I be springin' ya outta this place, so no bitch mouth to my face." A scroll of small paper slipped into his hand. "Sign please."
R-D glared at him. "All I have to do is sign that? Oh gee, I wonder where that paper's from. Maybe from the Devil's Black Book!"
"You from Salem or somethin'?" Leemon asked. "Just sign this and you be outta here for real yo. This aint no black magic or whatever."
"So all I have to do is sign?" R-D asked.
"For rizzles, lil' hizzles."
"Okay, I'll play by those rules." R-D padded her back pockets. "Great, where'd that Sharpie go?" She smiled sweetly and held out her hand. "Could I borrow a pen?"
Leemon shook his head. "No, no, it can't be ink. Don't ya ever think?" He rolled his eyes. "It has to be signed in blood. Have ya ever read the manual?"
R-D backed away. "I'm not signing that then! I know what happens to people who sign shit with their blood." She shoved her hands into her pockets. "I'll end up in a nice, fiery furnace when I really die."
"It takes only a single, small dot of blood." He shook the sheet. "Do you want to go back to Earth for a twenty or so more years? Or would ya rather stare at white walls, clean toilets, and have stale beers?"
R-D shuddered. "Um…"
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Blah, blah, blah, the black door came for me this time. Do I have to spell it out for you dapsens? Anyway, I found myself in a torture room kinda place, with Iron Maidens and guillotines and other nice, cool objects, as well as junk I'd seen and often collected across the galaxies. What? Everyone needs a hobby.
A man with black flesh and bat-like wings, standing on a pair of hooves wearing a business suit greeted. "You're Visser Three. Ah, I've been waiting for you for some time." He cleared his throat. "Obviously, I don't care about you, you don't care about me. Now, let's get this over with."
(If it involves blood, I don't care. Have a whole bucket for whatever parties you're having. JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!)
"Chill, Esplin," the demon purred, smoothing his goatie. "This has nothing to do with you per se. You just have to make a tiny, weeny, little decision." He grinned sharp, lethal canines at me. "Decide whether your best friend or your true love goes to hell. That's all."
(Okay, I see…wait, what!)
Gagged and tied to the ceiling on tables, I saw Councilor Four and Visser One each hanging over trapped doors. Councilor Four stared terrified at the closed door beneath him, while Visser One screamed her lungs out in fury.
HAH! Too easy. Choose between the one person in the whole Yeerk Empire I ACTUALLY got along with, or the Yeerk who half the time beat the shit at me and left my ears ringing with her PMSing screeches. Yet… What was that the demon had just said? I, erm, wasn't paying the MOST attention. What? He sounded like MR. Loud-And-Nasal. A nickname I and Visser One had made…
(What if I decide not to choose?) I asked.
"Then both of them are sent to Satan, while you're back in the spiritual state penitentiary," the demon quickly summoned up. "You have sixty seconds to make your choice."
(There's a time limit? That's not fair!)
"Nooot my problem," he grumbled. "And for that, forty seconds."
(HEY!)
"Fine. Twenty."
I looked from Visser One to Councilor Four. The decision should have sparked instantly in my mind. And yet… And yet… Was there something else behind those hateful, dark eyes Visser One often had with her hosts? Something I had overlooked? I felt as if something were nagging at the back of my head, too small to be read right.
"Five seconds."
I grinded a hoof in the stone floor. (Oh boyo, boyo, boyo.)
"Choose."
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A white mist poured over me, and my spirit grew light, leaving the room with my choice yet unsaid. I spread my arms, and disappeared into the thick fog…
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Apparently, Visser One has a good sense of smell. She yawned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, looking not-so-cute--at least in my opinion--after a nap bouncing in the car. "Where…are…we…?" she asked drowsily.
My mouth was full, so R-D gulped down her Coke, and said, "I think we're in Erie, Pennsylvania. Should be about five or six hours 'til we hit the Big Apple."
Visser One combed her hair through her fingers, trying to look like the planet oppressing Numero Uno Visser she was. "What're you idiots doing?"
I swallowed the tasty chunk of beef and cheese and whatever else they put in a burrito, and said, "Sitting at some fast food restaurant eating take out. What the Seerow does it look like?"
For one long, frozen moment we stared at each other, confused and baffled. Had it really happened? The crash, Purgatory, the Hall of Horrors? My hands gripped the wheel till the knuckles cracked and turned white.
R-D leaned over and said as calmly as possible, "Floor it."
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So that's all people! I'd like to dedicate this to Darth, Voo and Sin!
I was wondering…should it end here? I was thinking of my own Journal idea, called "Visser Three's Memo." What do you guys think?