Chapter 4

Someone To Hear Me

A few days later found the rain pouring down on Mary's forlorn figure as she walked home from mailing a letter for Kitty, who had begged not to have to go out in the downpour. Her dark gray, almost black skirt was barely affected by the mud that splashed on it as she walked. She was freezing, but she kept trudging since she had already passed town, and any chance to get indoors until the rain slacked up were behind her. If anyone had been around, they would have been able to hear her muttering to herself.

"Mr. Collins indeed! Who does he think he is, coming in and proposing to Lizzy like that! Surely he knows that any one of the four of them would refuse him without even thinking about it!" She stopped, realizing that she hadn't even considered that she was a Bennet girl too and that he very well may ask her if all else fails.

"But why should I even consider his asking me? Not that I want him to; I would be appalled! But still. It's the whole idea. He might as well not even know I exist!" She paused, then whispered, and not for the first time, "No one does..."

She wrapped her shawl around her thin frame and, for the first time in a long time, she allowed herself to cry. Not over Mr. Collins, of course, but over Mr. Wickham and Mr. Bingley and all the men that she never allowed herself to love because she knew her loving someone was vain, painfully vain, and because she knew she would never be loved in return. Not only did she cry over love, or the lack of it, but she cried over all the times that her family had ignored her and all the times that Mary, the plain one, had been forgotten, unnoticed, invisible.

She swore to herself that no one would ever know about her outburst of emotion that had been accumulating over eighteen years, and she thanked Heaven above that she was on a country road that no one ever traveled. Just at that moment, she heard a carriage behind her. Exasperated, and still overwhelmed with self-pity, she kept walking, hoping that it would not stop.

It did. She heard someone get out and walk toward her, but never did she slow, or look up, for the tears still streaked her face, still flowed unable to cease. The person ran to catch up with her, then gently took her by the arms and turned her around to face him.

It was Wickham, looking just as surprised to see her as she was to see him. His surprise faded into concern as he recognized the tears on her face. "Why Mary, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Can I do something? I could--"

She looked away and he trailed off, then spoke again. "Well, at least get into the carriage. You'll freeze to death out here." He took off his coat and wrapped it around her soaking wet body, and she pulled it tighter, grateful for the much-needed source of warmth.

He then proceeded to nudge her towards the carriage. Finally, after much hesitation, she gave a resigned sigh and complied, having no strength left in her to argue with. Inside the carriage, she sat as quietly as she could, drawing as little attention as possible to the tears that had vanished from her face just moments ago.

Wickham was the first to speak. "What was wrong back there? I've never seen you upset. It must have been something bad."

"I, I don't want to talk about it. It's not something anyone would understand." Her voice was small and unsteady.

"I hate to see one of the Bennet sisters so distraught. You're sure there's nothing I can do?"

So he thinks of me as one of them? Maybe there's hope after all. "Thank you very much, but you've already helped more than I can say." It was then that she noticed that the carriage hadn't moved. "Why are we not going?"

"I just wanted to make certain that you would be all right. You worried me for a moment or two. You usually seem fairly complacent, so to see tears on your face made me think that you were sick or hurt."

I wonder if heartsick counts? "Your concern is very…touching, " she said very softly, as if she almost didn't want him to hear her.

"As long as you'll be all right," he said, and then moved the carriage along. He seemed to be unaware that she was constantly glancing his way, searching his face to try and figure out why today of all days he was being so kind to her. One time as she looked over at him, she caught his eye and he smiled softly at her.

That prompted her to ask a question she didn't really mean to ask, it just slipped out. "Why are you doing this?" She blushed, then quickly tried to smooth it over. "I…I meant…"

He looked at her, puzzled. "Doing what?"

She paused, then hesitantly started to explain herself. "I…I'm not trying to complain, but, well…nobody's ever really cared if I was cold or wet…or…sad. Why you? Why now?" She didn't mean for it all to come out. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she wanted to take them back. It did feel kind of freeing, however, for the first time in her life to wear her heart on her sleeve and say what she was thinking. Maybe this time it was safe to really feel for once. Maybe she could let her attraction for Mr. Wickham develop into something more.

"Oh, Mary…I never knew you felt like that! I…well, I suppose I always assumed you wanted to be left alone with your books and your music. As for now, well, I see one of the Bennet sisters out in the rain, I come to her rescue. Plain and simple. Whether you're Elizabeth, Kitty…or Mary. You're all dear to me." He smiled. "Not just the ones who flirt."

This brought a smile to her lips. "Ah! You do know how to smile," Wickham said teasingly, then chuckled. For some reason, Mary's smile turned into a giggle that couldn't keep from escaping. She couldn't believe it. All in one day, she had cried, smiled, and laughed, all for the first time in who knows when. If this is what happens when I let myself feel…

Suddenly she felt his arm around her, pulling her close. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder, sinking deep into a reverie of thoughts that she had never allowed herself to think before.

She was snapped out of her reverie a few minutes later when the carriage stopped. "You're home," Wickham said, then jumped out of the carriage. He helped her down, then offered his arm, which she took as they walked inside.

Once they got inside the parlor, Mary looked around and saw no one, not even Hill. She heard Kitty and Lydia laughing upstairs, but it seemed no one was downstairs. Wickham let go of her arm and turned around to face her. He leaned closer until his face was only inches from hers. He looked in her eyes, and for the first time in her life, she didn't avert her gaze. Eye contact was something new to her, but she couldn't look away from his captivating deep, blue eyes. After a few moments, he said simply, "Will you be all right?"

Everything inside her was screaming, don't go! All she said was, "Yes. Thank you for everything. Everything."

He backed away from her and smiled. "I'll always be here for you, Mary. Just remember that." Then he walked out the door.

Mary didn't know how long she stood there gazing after him, lost in a daydream. Finally, after what seemed like hours, a screaming giggle from Kitty upstairs jolted her and she quickly made her way up to her room.

She flopped down on her bed and just lay there, thinking. And she had much to think about. The tears she'd cried were washed away. Finishing the thought she'd had in the carriage, she said to herself, If this is what happens when I let myself feel, then why have I been keeping myself from it all these years? Why didn't I realize this sooner? It's true, I can't change my personality, and it's in my personality to be introverted and quiet and keep to my books, but why did it take me so long to see that all I had to do was feel?

She sat up, a smile on her face as she thought of something else. Surely I'm attracted to Mr. Wickham, but…now that I realize my emotions for what they are…do I love him? Then another thought came to her. Does he feel the same way?

She closed her eyes and re-lived each moment of her encounter with Wickham. Surely he must feel the same way. Everything he said revealed that he cared for her. Especially the look in his eye just before they parted.

A pound on the door that could only be Kitty forced her out of her thoughts. She went to open the door and shook the uncharacteristic smile off of her face. She knew she couldn't tell Kitty, but it would be hard to keep her unexpected happiness to herself.