Author's Note:

Chapter 20 (Silent Soliloquy)

Kita lazily sat on Akito's porch and stared at the tracks in the snow, her legs tucked into her chest to keep warm as she tightly gripped them with her arms. She was tired but not from a lack of sleep; she was feeling a bit overwhelmed and that wore her out and zapped her of energy and motivation. It wasn't like an absence of emotions, she had overcome that, this was more like a dispiriting overview of what as happened to her thus far and how she feels about it, finding that when it came to answering the question of how she felt about every thing, she still came up short.

That morning she had woken up on Akito's futon again, tangled in a web of quilts, which he had a lot of so that he didn't get cold at night. When she lifted her eyelids, she was surprised to see that she hadn't been woken by the birds outside but, in fact, there were birds flying in through the window which someone had opened. They chirped and swam in his birdbath and a few just circled around the room like it was their morning calisthenics. All different kinds: doves, bluejays, sparrows, chickadees, the room had practically turned into an aviary. Kita tried not to disturb them as she sat up and realized Akito wasn't lying next to her, but most of them had gotten frightened and flown away. By the time she was standing, only two remained, both white doves. She moved very slowly across the floor, not getting too close and trying not to cause the floor to squeak, and she was able to slip out of the room without scaring them off.

Kita had looked down at her pajamas, confused. She didn't remember putting on pajamas. She didn't remember taking off her yukata for that matter. She was sure she hadn't done anything with him last night. He wasn't feeling good and his dominating behavior certainly kept her from feeling like it anyway. Just because she had given in the night before, didn't mean she was going to let him always get his way. Although, that was easier said than done since it really wasn't her choice. I must have gotten changed when I was half-asleep, she thought, a general memory of her changing last night after Akito had fallen asleep coming to the forefront of her mind.

As she strolled back to her room to change, she heard a noise coming from the bathroom. A painful crack in vocal chords that were clearly male as they possessed a lower sound, smooth but eerie. Oh no.

Kita rushed to the door and pressed her ear against it in an attempt to hear the commotion. A long, agonizing groan emanated from inside and was followed by the sound of an acidic dry heave, that of someone who either hadn't eaten or had nothing left to give to the porcelain bowl. She opened the door such a minuscule amount that whoever was inside wouldn't notice and saw Akito leaning against the toilet in anticipation for another moment when he'd need it.

Kita didn't know what to do. The sight was so disheartening that she could barely stand to look at him. What would my parents do, she thought to herself as she bolted her eyes shut but didn't close the door. Dad would go in and tell him a joke to try to make him feel better. That toilet is getting more action this morning than me. Kita groaned. I don't joke like he used to and I wouldn't joke at a time like this. I can't even look at him without tearing up. Mom would go in and ask if he's okay, keep his hair out of his face, offer to get him some clean clothes, and wipe up anything that doesn't make it into the bowl. The reeking stench of undigested food and stomach secretion hit her nostrils and she had to shut the door. I can't do it, she thought. No matter how much I want to help him, I'm just too damn selfish and too damn cowardly. I can't even look at him. Despicable.

Defeated, she walked to her room and got dressed in her darkest jeans and a black turtleneck. She was feeling morbid and felt she needed to express it. Seeing him like that made her already feel like she had lost him too. Where's the harm in premature mourning? On her way out the door, she put in the earrings her father gave her and grabbed the black hooded sweatshirt that her mother used to wear when she went jogging, which was hanging on the back of her door next to her uniform. Kita had taken the sweatshirt after she died and worn it to bed every day for a month as a method of coping. It had been so big on her, since she had only just turned six when it happened, but now it fit perfectly.

Kita had already decided that she needed to think and the only place she thought would be appropriate to go to was Akito's porch. Something about his porch was accommodating to a pensive individual who needed time alone with themselves and she was determined to utilize her solitary time with it.

The doves had left the room by the time she had gone in so she was able to walk at a normal pace across the room and push the doors open without caring about making noise. The air was chilly outside and she had nothing on her feet but a pair of slippers that she sometimes wore around the house on cold days like today. She pulled her mother's sweatshirt over her head and swung her feet over the edge of the porch, allowing them to dangle back and forth. She wanted to think, but she couldn't decide what point to examine. Every worry, thought, debate had already been analyzed. Akito was still dying and relentless about letting her leave to go out. She still didn't know what to do about college because she was still sure he wouldn't let her go. She still wasn't sure about her feelings towards him. She liked him, she cared deeply about him, and yet she feared him like she has never feared anything before. No news here.

One of her two-sizes too big slippers slid off her foot and landed face down in the snow. Wonderful. Kita thought about grabbing the slipper and trying to warm it up again but decided that there was no point in doing so. Instead, she took off her other slipper, leaving the first one in the snow, and pulled her legs in towards her chest again. She had a high tolerance for cold feet but nothing else as she found herself shivering a little because of the frigid air that found its way up her legs.

Eventually, the shivering passed and she sat frozen on the porch: her mind clear of all restricting thoughts, her body free of demanding movement.

A dove flew gracefully down and landed on her knee. It looked up at her curiously with beady black eyes, thinking her to be a painted statue to perch upon. Kita smiled and chuckled softly as not to scare the bird away. She had only ever seen a bird perch on a person once before and that was one day after school when she found Akito sitting in the exact same place as she was now. He was just as idled as she was now too.

Sounds of slushy footprints made their way towards the back of the main house and the bird flew away. Kita frowned, having lost her companion and looked up. Hatori was standing in front of her, dark hair swept over his bad eye as usual and holding his briefcase which she recognized as the one with all the pills and medical paraphernalia.

"Come to see Akito?" she asked, sure the news of this love affair with the bathroom had been passed on to him.

Hatori nodded. "And what are you doing out here without shoes on?" he asked, eyeing her dirty, bare feet.

"My slipper fell." she said, thinking she sounded like a dullard.

Hatori picked up her slipper and shook off the snow on it, placing it next to her other one that was still on the porch. He noticed the sweatshirt she was wearing and started to wonder if something was wrong. He remembered how after Mina had died, Kita had worn it every day.

The anniversary of her death, he thought, feeling like a cretin for not remembering. It's a week from today.

"Thanks," she said, pulling her legs into an Indian-style position, with her feet tucked behind her kneecaps to warm them up.

Hatori was about to explain the dangers of going outside in the freezing cold barefoot but decided to refrain from it. She knew the dangers and clearly didn't care. He just still felt responsible for her somehow. In spite of a very brief stint with a completely inappropriate and never to be mentioned crush on her when she was fifteen, he had always been her big brother and it was a role he would gladly assume.

"You're welcome." he said, walking up the steps. "By the way, I enrolled you in a driving course that starts right after graduation. It's kind of far away from here but it's one of the best places you can go to learn how to drive. Don't worry about the cost because Kureno has already worked out funding it for you."

Kita's mouth dropped. "Does Akito know?" she asked, surprised that she couldn't think of a better question to ask.

"No. We haven't told him yet but he will find out eventually." he said, mysteriously.

Kita nodded, realizing that she didn't care about him not knowing. She'll tell him herself after she actually gets her license.

Disrupting her contemplation, the door to the porch slid open and Akito stood in the doorway. His hair was messier than usual and smelled a bit like vomit but not to the absurd degree that the bathroom had. He had changed into a clean yukata but it didn't cover up the fact that he was sick.

"Good morning Kita." he said to her, smiling down at her. She looked so cute and fragile, sitting on his porch wearing mostly black.

"Good morning Akito." she said, trying not to look at him too closely. She didn't want to start tearing up.

Neither of them seemed to realize it was actually one o'clock in the afternoon.

"Are you ready Akito?" Hatori asked, motioning to his briefcase.

He stopped staring at Kita and sighed.

"Yes, get on with it." he said annoyed, as the two men entered the house. Kita stayed outside, not wanting to be there when he gets examined. She just sat on the porch enjoying the feeling of serenity and the absence of new things to worry about.