I'm oh so very sorry that this chapter isn't very long. I really wanted it to have more to it, but if I added the next part... it would just be a big mess of soppiness. So I had to separate it.
So go on... read. Read and be merry. Though this chapter ain't very merry, but...y'know. Read anyway.
"Playing the Fool"
It hurt.
This was all Lily could comprehend as she lay sobbing on her favorite couch in the common room. It was the first place she could think of going, and, lucky for her, it was utterly devoid of any student but herself. All the others were still delighting in the diversions of the Winter Festival, blissfully ignorant of the little red-headed girl whose world just came crashing down on top of her.
It hurt more than she imagined it would. And not only because her heart was shattered into countless pieces on the callous ground, but because of how bitterly stupid she felt. It was her own fault for trusting him - for laying it all out on the line when she knew it was useless to begin with.
It was hard enough when Cherise revealed the terrible truth, but seeing it with her own eyes... all Lily could concentrate on was her desperate need to wake up from this nightmare in which she was drowning in.
And then there was James.
For some reason, it was he that brought the most ache to her heart. He was wonderful in so many ways. So many times had they laughed together... smiled together. He always understood. It was as if he had been through life ten times and thus gained the knowledge of so many lifetimes. Then there was his hair. The mess of blackness that refused to cooperate. He always complained about it, yet Lily had caught him, on several occasions, ruffling it up just right to ensure its unruliness. And his eyes. Oh how she could lose herself within them...
No. She wouldn't think about that. Not his eyes. Anything but that.
It was his eyes that lied. That bewitching glimmer was nothing more than an act. He didn't care about her anymore than Sirius did. And why should he? Sirius had said - We're a two for one special - well, he was right. James would've been right on her tail had Sirius not gotten to her first. Neither of them gave a whit about the real Lily. All they saw was a girl -- a skirt to chase.
And they enjoyed it.
Lily felt sick. The two people she had begun to care about more than anyone else in this world had played her like a piano (a/n: someone said that in a review and I loved it, LoL) without the slightest show of guilt.
. . . but anything is possible . . .
The words echoed savagely down the hallways of Lily's mind, bringing a fresh wave of tears to the already streaming pool at the brim of her eyes.
A bumbling little santa hat carrying a clattering silver tray shook Lily from her well of misery, causing her to jump slightly. At second glance, Lily found the santa hat to be a house elf, though the hat was consuming half its body. The sight was either quite adorable, or just plain creepy.
"There Miss is!" the house elf squeaked.
"Huh?" Lily said through her sniffling.
"Dipsy has to run all the way from the chilly outside to deliver Miss's order, but Dipsy does it, she does!" the elf beamed with pride (or rather, ...the hat did?).
"But...but I didn't order anything," Lily explained.
The elf's ears drooped. "Yes Miss did!" it argued. "The boy in the chilly outside tells Dipsy that Miss Lily Evans wants chocolate raspberries right away, she does!"
"Really...I didn't--"
Before she could finish, the elf dropped the tray next to her on the couch and stormed off, muttering, "Ungrateful Miss. Dipsy gets order right, she does..."
Lily stared at the tray with wonder. Chocolate covered raspberries with a side of whipped cream -- her favorite. Boy in the chilly outside...Boy? Which boy? And who knew that she lived and died for raspberries, for that matter? It's not like it was a secret, but it certainly wasn't something she divulged to anyone who would listen.
Well, whatever. Whoever the secret sender was, she didn't particularly care at the moment. She was too caught up in self melonchaly.
Minute by minute passed of Lily's sit in silence, her only companion being the remnants of her stifled sobs. She kept telling herself to go up to bed, but something detained her. Maybe it was the therapeutic glow of the fire, or the comfort of familiarity in her favorite spot, or perhaps just because the thought of walking up those dark steps to her dark dorm wasn't the most appealing at the moment. Whatever the reason, Lily remained put.
The normally overlooked creak of the portrait swinging open caught Lily's attention, soon followed by the overwhelming feeling of presence. She turned her head slightly to catch James, of all people, standing at the edge of the couch, hands in pockets like some ever so innocent paperboy or something to the like.
Lily began instinctively wiping the moist mascara lines from her cheeks, then stopped. Why should she care how she looks for him?
"So you got the raspberries I sent up, huh?" he spoke meekly, eyeing the untouched tray.
"They're from you then?" she sniffled, her eyes to the floor. "Well... thanks, but no thanks."
James fidgeted somewhat. "So, are you okay?"
Lily remained silent.
"Look...I know you're not in the best state right now, but...well I just can't help wondering... what I did wrong?" The puppy dog eyes were visible in his voice.
Lily took in a slow breath. "Everything..." she whispered as she released the air.
James was visibly taken aback. He tried to find words, but all he found was himself at a loss to do so. "Wha--...I..."
Lily turned to face him. "Just cut the act, okay? I don't need your sympathy."
"Act? Why would you think this is an act?"
"So you want me to believe you actually care about me? After what I saw down there? Why should you be any different than Si-- ...him," she finished in a stutter, finding that his name tasted extremely bitter in her mouth.
James's face tightened. "Because I'm not him."
"You would've done the exact same thing, given the chance," she accused.
"And how are you so sure?"
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Maybe because you mean something to me."
"Liar," she retorted venemously.
"What do you want from me, Lily?" James demanded in a raised voice, his growing annoyance only too clear. "How am I supposed to convince you that I'm not a total jackass?"
When Lily only turned her head the other way in defiance, James yelled, "Tell me!"
Lily bit her lip as she stared at the ground - the only thing that didn't seem to be spinning out of control at the moment. She did not answer James's question, only uttered a few escaped sobs. "Just leave me alone..."
"Dammit, Lily! You think I don't care about what he did to you? That I encouraged it? What the hell do you take me for? You think--" he stopped to collect himself, running a frustrated hand over his face and through his hair. "You think my world didn't end the moment I saw that hurt in your eyes?" He swallowed hard, his unblinking stare boring into Lily. "Well then, Lillian Evans, you have a few things to learn about James T. Potter."
He shook his head despairingly before turning and walking into the darkness of the staircases for his dorm. Lily watched him go with pleading eyes, her heart crumbling with every step he took. Oh, why did she have to be so completely stubborn? Everything that had gone wrong, had gone wrong because of her.
She slumped forward and dropped her head to her hands.
"Dammit," she cursed into the silent air, not entirely sure what it was she was cursing.
The hour was 3am. Lily lay wide awake in her bed, too emotionally torn to sleep. She had been doing so ever since Cherise, Marilyn, and Scarlett had finally sought her out in the common room shortly after her blow-out with James, bearing immense sympathy and anger. Cherise proudly recounted the story of the slap she delivered to Sirius after having heard the news through the well-versed grapevine - the slap she had been saving up ever since she first spotted him snogging Samantha. It was so powerful, in fact, that it sent Sirius to the hospital wing for the night. She received a detention for it, having been witnessed by Professor Hilton, but she claimed she would have done it ten more times, given the chance. She also presented a desire to inflict all the more damage on Samantha, but the "little tart", as Cherise put it, had fled the scene.
Now she lay in the perfect stillness of her bed, staring into the perpetual darkness. The even breathing of her friends tiptoed across the air to her ears, breaking the hum of audible silence.
It was driving her crazy.
She so badly wanted to lose herself in sleep like the rest of the student body at the moment, but the knawing sensation of guilt held her back. And it was all because of James. Why must he have such weight on her emotions? She so much wanted to be angry with him, to have the desire to never speak with him again... but she didn't. She couldn't.
And that was because...he was right.
He hadn't done anything wrong. He had been nothing but a true friend to her all this time. It wasn't he who went and kissed Samantha. He was innocent. Completely. And Lily had gone and bitten off his head. Why? Because of her rattling paranoia born out of a moment of desperation.
She stood up. Her mind was made.
A moment later her knuckles were softly rapping on the door to the 6th year boys dormitory. Yes, she was aware that it was past 3am, but at the moment it did not particularly matter. She mentally thanked Cherise for sending Sirius to the hospital wing, meaning there was no risk of having to face him.
The opening of the door revealed a James in nothing but plaid pajama pants and classically sticky-outy hair. That's right, no shirt in sight. Every quidditch-toned muscle was in perfect view, however (a/n: can you tell this is my total nirvana?). Upon registering in his brain who it was that had knocked on the door and was standing in front of him, he backed off the slightest bit.
Aww, bashful.
He licked his lips in search of some words to say as he stared uncertainly at Lily, who was looking quite destitute. Before he found the words he was looking for, Lily took a step forward and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.
James stood frozen for a moment before tentatively returning the embrace. He was completely lost as to what was happening. Did this same girl not cast him from the universe a mere while ago?
Lily filled him in.
"I'm so sorry James," she mourned into his shoulder, in which her head was trying to bury itself - possibly to escape the overwhelming sense of horribleness engulfing her. "I'm such a cow... all those things I said... I didn't mean it, I swear... you didn't deserve a word of it," she lifted her head and looked to his face. Her eyes were crying out to him, though no tears fell. "Please...will you forgive me?"
James averted his gaze from her desperate eyes. It was obvious that Lily's scorn from earlier was still heavy on his mind.
"Did you really think I would do something like that to you?" he asked quietly.
Lily bit her lip. She shook her head slightly. "No... I don't think I ever did. I was just...a bit thrown, I guess. I mean..." she trailed off as the night's events flooded her mind, when she so badly wanted them to disappear in a hole somewhere. "I-I wasn't thinking straight."
Noticing the extra glisten to Lily's eyes, James pulled her back into his arms. "Hey, don't worry about it," he whispered soothingly next to her ear. "I know this whole ordeal has been hard on you. We'll work it out, I promise."
Lily shut her eyes to block the tears. She took a deep breath, indulging in the comfortable scent of James's bare skin. His words were like honey in her ears. It would be alright...as long as James said so...
But then another thought floated across her mind, blocking the sweet feeling of peace from consuming her.
She once again removed her head from his warmth to speak to his face. "Did you know," she sniffled, "what he...Sirius...was doing?" The words came with difficulty, but she needed for them to be said.
"What do you mean?"
"Did you know that he was fooling around with Samantha?"
"You mean he's done it more than once?"
"I guess that's a no..." she concluded.
"God...I just can't believe he'd do something like this," James shook his head in disgrace. "And all the while keep it from me! His best mate! Tha--" he stopped abruptly, noticing the irony of his accusations. He ran a quick hand over his hair and exhaled. "...I'm sorry Lily," was the best he could come up with.
Lily shrugged in what would be a careless manner, had she not cared as deeply as she really did. "It's not your fault. I just... oh, I just wish I'd never gotten involved with him," she said hopelessly.
James smiled sympathetically (a/n: For you Alias fans, imagine Vaughn's expert puppy dog face). "If it's any consolation... I think Sirius realizes what an arse he was."
Lily laughed humorlessly. "Someone give the guy a car."
After a brief spell of silence, James said, "You know, Sirius isn't always this bad."
Lily said nothing. She only concentrated on James's hand, which was entwined with her own.
"I mean, I've known the guy practically my entire life. He's always fancied himself this revered cassanova, but I can't remember anything like this ever happening."
"Great, so now I can feel stupid for getting so attatched," Lily said with spite.
"No, no! The thing is... I think it's because until now, Sirius just mingled with girls like himself - thoughtless and flighty. When he set his sights on you...I don't think he realized that, for the first time, he was dealing with a real girl," he finished gently.
Lily smiled to show her gratitude. "How do you always know what to say?"
"It's not really what I say...but what you hear."
"Well whatever I hear always sounds wonderful coming from you."
James's lips played with a smile. It was all he could do to not disappear completely into Lily's eyes, a mysterious shade of jade in the dim light.
Lily bit her lower lip. She, too, was struggling with the difficult task of not falling into that oh-so inviting glint of hazel. For a moment, she almost forgot to breathe. Say something, say something, say something...
"Those raspberries were wonderful," Lily smiled ackwardly.
"So you actually ate them?" James replied with a keen humor.
Lily giggled. "Yes. I did. After you left. My sweet tooth kicked my pride's bum. Chocolate covered raspberries are my absolute favorite."
"I know."
"How?"
James shrugged mysteriously. "I have my ways."
Lily rolled her eyes in lighthearted exasperation. "Potter, you are the most evasive person alive."
"Exactly. And it drives - you - crazy," James said with a superior smile, savoring each word.
Lily smiled in spite of herself, knowing very well he was right.
"And is that any way to maintain friendships?" she countered, arms folded.
"Exhibit A," he announced, indicating towards Lily.
She suppressed a laugh. "You know what, I'm just gonna go to bed before you come up with anymore ways to wrap me around your finger," she said with a coy smile.
James grinned. "If you insist." Then said in a much softer voice, "Are you sure you're alright?"
Having completely forgotten about her woes in light of her happy banter with James, Lily's smile faltered abruptly as it came back to her. "Oh...yeah...yeah I think I am," she answered as what she hoped was truthfully.
"Good," he smiled. "Sweet dreams." He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead. As he turned back into his dorm, his and Lily's still entwined fingers were the last thing to separate. Offering one last meaningful smile, he shut the door lightly.
Lily leaned her back to the closed door just as James was doing the same from the other side.
They sighed, both oblivious to just how "wrapped" the other person was.
You know, I had this really cool little scene imagined for when Lily and James say goodnight, only I couldn't find any way of putting it into words. It was just like this movie scene. I had all the camera angles worked out and stuff. LoL. And I just wanted to tell you that because... I felt like it. And I'm sad that I couldn't do it. So now it's like 2 lines. LoL.
Anywho... I hope this chapter was enough to quench your thirst, even if it wasn't that amazing. But hey, plenty of Lily/James action, eh? Eh? That's always popular. Not only that, but SHIRTLESS James action. Wooo-eeee.
It's so wonderful having the power to remove James's shirt at will. ; )
Till next time... kiss-kiss dahlings.