I'm glad y'all liked the last chapter so much. I was scared about it. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just...weird. Yeah, yeah I am.
Okay - read.
"Walking Away"
For the first fleeting seconds of being awake, Lily felt in a heavenly state. The feeling of his arms around her - utter protection from the outside world. She smiled involuntarily, her eyes still lay shut.
Then the horrible reason ofwhy she had been in those arms struck her mind like a rock thrown into a perfectly still pond - shattering the enveloping peace. She flipped over to smother her face into the pillow. The foreboding sense of misery reattached itself to her, as if it hadn't ever left for all the hours she had been asleep. Speaking of which...
She flipped her head to the side and squinted wearily at the clock on the wall. 7:27am - she had only slept about four hours. Which certainly did not explain why she had no sleep left in her at the moment. On a normal day - and with a normal amount of sleep behind her - it would've taken both Cherise and Marilyn plenty of poking and struggling to get Lily up. But now that she had had barely any sleep, plus the fact that it was now officially Winter Vacation and students could therefore sleep to their heart's content, she was ready to get up at 7:30am.
Go figure.
She lazily tossed her legs over the side of her bed and walked over to one of the windows. She settled herself on the sill of it and leaned her head against the icy glass, looking out. She rarely got to enjoy this part of the day, as she was never too, er, happy this early. She sighed audibly as her eyes took in the wonder that is a winter morning. Her breath created a soft fog on the window, disappearing as mysteriously as it came. The sky outside was a misty blue, as if afraid to reach its full potential when its partner, green, was so scarce to be seen. The sun's rays washed over the crisp snow at a slant, tiptoeing lightly on the ice. Everything was so incredibly still - like outside that pane of glass, time had stopped. It was all suspended in a single moment. Lily had to jerk her arm a bit just to reassure herself that she was indeed real.
Who knew something as trivial as the position of the sun in the sky could turn everything upside-down.
After several prolonged moments, she reluctantly removed herself from the window to go take a nice, looong shower. She reveled in the luxury of being able to take as long as she pleased since her friends were still asleep and therefore were not liable to squawk at her to hurry up. The hot water washing over her was just what she needed to sweep away the stains of the previous day.
Just forget about him, she kept telling herself. He's a jerk. An asshole. You don't need him.
She stepped out of the shower and slipped on some comfortable clothes. She tiptoed out of the dorm and made her way down to the common room, the anticipation of a quiet breakfast alone being her main focus. The common room was empty, as expected.
But not for long.
Lily was about halfway to the portrait hole when it suddenly opened and a boy stepped inside.
Her breathing stopped. It appeared that his did too.
They stared at each other, identical looks of horror on their faces. Perhaps for different reasons, however.
Sirius broke the terrible silence.
"It was a mistake," he said matter-of-factly.
Lily didn't respond. She couldn't respond. She only stood transfixed to the spot, her eyes boring into him.
"A mistake. A stupid - mistake."
Lily shook her head lightly in utter disbelief of...everything.
"Lily, please, I know I've been a complete idiot--"
"Idiot?" she finally spoke. "Idiot? You think that adequately describes how you acted? I practically confess my love for you, then 15 minutes later I find you snogging another girl? That's just-- I can't believe-- you're just so--" she couldn't find the words she wanted, so she merely took a deep breath to maintain her composure.
"Look, it's not what it seems--"
"I find that right hard to believe."
"Reall--"
"No."
"Bu--"
"No."
"Lil--"
"Black!"
Lily was standing with her fists clenched at her side, face radiating with suppressed anger. Sirius looked just plain exasperated.
"Can't I at least explain myself?" he pleaded.
"I think I got the gist of it well enough with my own eyes."
"I'm sorry, okay?"
"Yeah, sorry you were caught."
"No! It's not like that," he defended.
"It's not? Hm. Then all those other times you went playing around with Samantha and who knows who else don't count? Or is it just because you got away with it?"
"Other times?" His voice was taut.
"Yes. Other times. It just so happens that Cherise caught you and Samatha in the act a month ago, but I dismissed it as nothing because I thought you'd never do that to me." She spoke smoothly and casually, when really each word was like a stab in her already broken heart.
Sirius swallowed hard. This was a deer in headlights, if ever there was one.
"Okay!" he conceded, then continued with evident awkwardness. "It's true. There were... other times--"
Lily closed her eyes to attempt to block it all out. Hearing the truth from his own lips... it was terrible.
"--but last night, that was different!"
"Sirius, you werekissing her."
"I didn't want to!" he vented with frustration.
"Didn't want to?" her voice was seething with skepticism. "Oh right. So what you're telling me is that she put some kind of spell on you, right?"
"No..." he admitted. "It's just that... I tried to say no - I did!" his voce had reached a level of pleading. "But... urgh, for merlin's sake, Lily - I'm a guy. I can't bloody help it!"
"And that makes everything better, does it?" She refused to succumb to crying. "Yeah, well, I'm a girl. A girl who made the dire mistake of thinking you had decency. I--" her voice wobbled dangerously on the edge of a sob. "I...I trusted you."
Her last words, spoken in little more than a whisper, rang out in Sirius's ears with a numbing veracity.
"Excuse me," she breathed before walking hurriedly past him and out the portrait hole.
Lily held the unmistakable urge to curl up in a corner and die at the moment, but, thinking that wasn't the most clear-headed decision to make, headed to the Great Hall instead. It was disturbingly empty - only a lone student here or there. The early birds. The people Lily would never, ever understand (a/n: I second that). She figured the emptiness was due to the time of the morning in combination with how exhausted the students would be from overwhelming merriment the previous night.
Oh, how she envied them.
She sat down at the long, barren Gryffindor table and dropped her head to her hands. Food could wait until she was thinking straight.
Luckily, Sirius didn't end up following her as she suspected he might. Lucky for him actually, for Lily was not sure she could restrain herself from smashing the milk jug on his head if he did appear. She took a deep breath of inner calmness. Ponies and flowers...ponies and flowers...ponies and flowers...
She grabbed a piece of buttered toast from the platter before her and crunched on it mindlessly. She paid no heed to the fact that normally she would not so much as touch a piece of toast if it did not have raspberry jam spread over it.
Once she noticed this error, she dropped the half eaten piece of toast to the table and stormed out of the Great Hall. This whole flurry of nerves thing was just not working for her. She summoned her cloak and scarf right there in the Entrance Hall out of reluctance to retread her steps to where Sirius might be lurking.
Stepping out into the frosted outside brought the scent of frozen pine to her already numb nose. She crunched her way easily through the snow, wandering leisurely towards a destination that did not exist. Sporadic groups of students graced her path; fourth years giggling and yelling as they pummel each other with snowballs; second year boys chasing second year girls who squeal and shout when they get caught, pretending to not enjoy every moment in the spotlight; seventh year couples nestling behind trees or similar unobtrusive hiding spots. Even the animals seemed chirpier than usual. Some twittering little birds were fluttering overhead, singing and swooping and laughing gaily. Lily smiled at this delightful show of recreation. It was satisfying even feeding off of other people's happiness, given her current state of lacking any such joy for herself.
She eventually found herself at a sort of cliff around the rear end of the castle. It overlooked the lake and forest beyond that. The tiny green treetops went on for miles, a light dusting of powdered sugar sprinkled over them. This was the exact spot she had intended on coming to -- without the intention ever being there.
She wrapped her arms around herself for warmth and a feeling of some sort of comfort. She silenced her thoughts in an attempt to match the peace floating in the air surrounding her.
Even the soft wind seemed to quiet itself for her.
Then a face drifted to her subconscious mind. It wasn't Cherise, Scarlett, or Marilyn. It wasn't Sirius. It wasn't even James.
It was Remus.
It was the Remus holding onto Marilyn so dearly...the Remus who smiled over Marilyn's shoulder...yes, that smile...
It lingered in her consciousness like a feather floating on water -- it is barely there yet refuses to leave. Why she was doting on this one insignificant show of affection so acutely, Lily did not know. But she could not make it go away.
It made her wonder... had Sirius ever smiled like that at her? Had he ever thought how incredibly lucky he was to have her in his presence, if even for only a moment? Had he ever caught himself staring at her for unexplained reasons...maybe just for the sake of taking in the image of...her?
No, she thought. He hadn't. At least it didn't seem like it.
Well, was that so much to ask? A little show of sincere fondness every now and then?
No. She didn't want it from him anyway. He's a complete wanker who deserves to be flung off this cliff in front of her.
Or maybe she was taking it all too dramatically... this is Sirius Black, afterall. Did she really expect him to fall hopelessly in love with her and spend every waking moment whispering sweet nothings in her ear and holding her like he'd never let her go?
Okay. That's it. No more sappy movies for Lily.
The overwhelming silence was replaced with the soft crunch of footsteps. It was soon followed by a voice.
"Fancy meeting you here, Evans," came the teasing voice of James.
Lily turned her head to find James and Remus standing over her. James had a playful smile twisted onto his lips, while Remus looked rather concerned (a/n: think Vaughn, people - VAUGHN).
"Hey guys." She offered a weak smile then turned her focus back to the view. The boys noticed her subdued demeanor, thus joined in her silence.
They shared a gaze out into the endless sea of treetops, a soft wind whistling past their pink ears. James stole several glances at Lily from the corner of his eye, not entirely sure what he was checking for.
Remus was the one to finish the quietude. "Are you okay, Lily?" he asked in a voice mirroring his troubled expression.
Lily shrugged, not breaking her stare. "Yes and no."
James and Remus exchanged glances.
"I saw Sirius this morning," she revealed quietly, dropping her eyes to the snow below her.
"He told us," James said meekly.
Lily looked at him. "Did he also tell you that he doesn't care one whit about what he did?"
James bit his lip. "Not quite."
"He's not even sorry..." She busied herself with a loose string on her cloak.
"Actually Lily," Remus started, choosing his words with great care. "That's not exactly the impression he gave to us."
"What do you mean?"
FLASHBACK TO THAT MORNING IN THE BOYS DORM - SOMETIME AFTER LILY'S CONFRONTATION WITH SIRIUS
James (in all his shirtless glory) rubbed the sleep from his eyes lazily and pushed his bed hangings open. The first sight to meet his eyes was Remus coming out of the bathroom, his hair wet and frowzy. They met eyes, and Remus nodded his head towards Sirius's bed. James glanced over to see Sirius sitting on the end of it, his head dropped to his hands.
"Oy, Padfoot," he called to him.
No response.
Remus gave James a look that clearly said, See?. James, unsatisfied with this answer, crawled out of his bed and over towards Sirius. Before James even reached him, Sirius slowly lifted his head off his hands, and reset his chin heavily on his knuckles.
"I saw Lily this morning," he said tonelessly.
"And...?" Remus pressed when Sirius failed to elaborate.
"...She hates me," Sirius finished.
"Did you expect anything less?" James retaliated, his bitter tone not at all hidden.
Sirius took a deep breath and stretched his body up, slumping backwards onto his bed in the end.
"No," he said simply.Too simply for James. He definitely wasn't expecting this answer.
"Well then--" he started, just to be interrupted by Sirius.
"I'm a complete asshole," he said in the same straightforward manner.
"Glad you could figure that out," Remus said coldly.
Sirius seemed unaffected by the harsh glares emitting from his friends. "Guys, what am I gonna do?" he plead, finally beginning to show some sign of emotion.
"Don't ask us. You brought this on yourself," James answered.
"I know," Sirius said dejectedly. "And...God, I wish I hadn't. I mean, I've never had a real relationship before. How am I supposed to know what to do? I usually just--" he flourished his hands in a whimsical manner, as if to demonstrate his capricious past. "--you know? This whole thing with Lily..." He ran his hand through his hair as he exhaled. "Damn. I'm not mature enough for this."
Neither James nor Remus knew the words to say. They both wanted to begrudge Sirius for his mistreatment of Lily, yet seeing their best friend looking so desolate and confused... they couldn't hate him.
"Look, Black, what you did was low. Very low. But the least you can do is go and apologize to Lily," Remus explained.
"I tried!" Sirius cried. "This morning - what do you think I was trying to do? But she - won't - listen."
"What did you say to her?"
"Well, I tried to tell her that I know I'm an idiot and all those times with Samantha--"
"Wait, wait," James cut in. "Just how many times with Samantha are you talking about?"
Sirius felt the same flush come over his face as when Lily deduced the same thing earlier. "Just...y'know...a couple times...-cough-weekends- cough..." he mumbled indistinctly.
"Every weekend!" James exclaimed.
"Maybe!" Sirius retorted indignantly.
"God, Padfoot, what were you thinking?"
"I don't know!" he blurted in frustration. "But I stopped! Okay? A couple weeks ago I told Sam we needed to stop - I didn't want to go behind Lily's back anymore. I...I really started to feel something for her. Lily, I mean. It was like...I dunno...a light came on or something."
James gulped.
"So tell her that!" Remus urged.
"I don't know how," he muttered hopelessly.
"Try going up to her and repeating what you just said to us - to her," Remus explained as if to a five year old.
"But that's just the problem. I can't say it to her. I'm not used to...saying such...y'know...deep things."
"Well, you need to learn if you want Lily to ever look at you again."
"Yeah..." Sirius conceded dejectedly. "But...heeeey -you guys know how to talk about all that jazz. What if...er...you two talked to her for me?" he proposed hopefully.
"Oh no you don't Padfoot," James shook his head. "We can't play your messengers. Besides, I don't think it would show much sincerity from you if you used us to talk to her."
"I agree," Remus...agreed. (hahaha)
"Come on!" Sirius whined. "Just something - anything - so that she won't be so hostile towards me. I swear I'll talk to her later, I just need you two to...y'know...butter her up."
"'Butter her up'?" James repeated incredulously.
"You know what I mean!" Sirius said impatiently. "Please? I just want her to know that I didn't mean to hurt her and...and..." he ran out of words.
"We'll tell her, Black," Remus promised.
James bit his tongue.
BACK TO LILY, JAMES, REMUS
"What do you mean?"
"For one thing, he was a total mess," Remus started. "And...he told us that he completely regrets what he did. He really didn't want to hurt you, Lily."
Lily remained quiet. She didn't know what to think.
"It's true," James joined in, rather quietly. "He hates what he did. He's a wreck, you should see him--"
"I did," she reminded him.
"No, Lily, the real him,"James corrected. "Not the front he puts up for everyone. You think he's that buoyant ball of chutzpah all the time? It's a defense. Which is exactly why he can't even put together a decent apology - he's too caught up in his own image."
Again Lily said nothing. She stared hard at James's face as her mind processed his words.
"Let's go back to the castle," she said suddenly. "It's cold."
James and Remus willingly obliged. They walked slowly, contentedly, no words being exchanged. Every now and then, Lily would catch James's eye and he would smile modestly at her. Lily did the same. And each time she would forget about the chill of the wind and sharpness of the air for a moment...just one moment...
They rounded the corner of the castle to find Cherise, Marilyn, and Scarlett huddled in a circle near the main doors. Remus and Marilyn caught sight of each other, identical smiles lighting up their faces. Marilyn detached herself from the group, and ran over to greet him, practically throwing herself into his arms. Remus received her gladly, twirling her around once before placing a lengthy kiss on her lips.
Lily and James shared self-conscious smirks as they stood ackwardly next to the passionate couple. Luckily, Cherise diverted their attention.
"Lily!" she practically shrieked. "Where were you!"
"Um...here?" she shrugged.
Cherise twisted her mouth to the side in annoyance. "Thanks genius, I know that now, but when I woke up - you were gone. All the years I've known you, you've never willingly woken up before me. For all I knew you could've been...been...kidnapped by a madman and carried off to Switzerland!"
Lily snorted in amusement. "You're ridiculous, Rise, you know that?"
Cherise smiled in spite of yourself. "Okay, okay. But it was strange. I mean... what were you doing?"
"I wasn't tired this morning, soo...I got up."
Cherise raised her eyebrows. "That's it?"
"Um...well...I kinda saw...Sirius..." she trailed off.
"And what did he say?" Cherise spoke with mindful purpose on each word.
Lily sighed. "What do you think?" she asked hypothetically.
Cherise pursed her lips. She was ticked.
"Um, I think this is my cue to leave..." James said to no one. "Remus!" he called to over where Remus and Marilyn were giving each other doe-eyes.
James rolled his eyes.
"Enough is enough, Romeo. Let's let these girls talk in privacy," he said, walking over and yanking Remus by the arm.
"See you in the common room?" Marilyn shouted after him.
"You got it!" he shouted back.
Marilyn smiled to herself then drifted lazily over to where her friends were waiting.
"Well that was a friendly 'hello' if I ever saw one," Scarlett observed.
"Oh, um, yeah...I guess I should mention that--" Marilyn paused to stifle a giggle of glee. "Well...Remus and I are official now. He asked me to be his girlfriend last night."
"Really!" Lily and Cherise squealed in unison, both completely disregarding the topic of Sirius.
"Why didn't you say so earlier?" Lily questioned.
"I, er, didn't think it was the most opportune moment..." Marilyn explained slowly, wringing her hands subconsciously.
Lily got the picture. "Well, good for you, Marilyn. Remus is completely lidacious."
"Huh?"
"Oh...nothing," she covered with a secretive smile. "But anyway, at least one of us could find their knight in shining armor."
"Yeah..." Marilyn smiled dreamily to herself. Then realized-- "Wait! No! I mean...yes!...I mean, wait--"
Lily laughed. "It's okay! Really. It's not your fault Sirius is...the way he is," she said a bit sadly.
"A wanker?" Scarlett provided.
"Yes," Lily smiled appreciatively. "Exactly."
Later that night, Lily, Cherise, and Scarlett were found sitting in the pleasantly toasty common room, chatting in classic girl fashion - though not a word of Sirius, at Lily's command. She wanted to forget it and just have a relaxing gab with her friends.
Marilyn and Remus were off gallivanting somewhere, basking in the "cuddle and coo" stage of their new relationship. Sirius was just...off somewhere, James with him. Peter was in bed. The little punk.
"Okay, okay," Scarlett began, all smiles. "Would you rather he give you a kiss on the lips, or a kiss on the neck?"
Lily bit her lip ravenously as she thought. "Mmm...lips! That way I can contribute to the kiss as well," she grinned.
"Uh-uh! Neck all the way," Cherise argued.
"And why is that?" Scarlett pressed.
"'Cause it's sexy!" she replied as if it were obvious.
The girls began giggling mercilessly, as they had been doing for quite some time. After they finally subdued themselves, Scarlett stood up.
"Okay girls, I really need to be getting to bed. It's 11:00."
"Ooh, is it?" Cherise asked. "Well then, I guess I'll go too. Coming Lily?"
Lily shook her head. "Nah. You two can go. I want to stay a little longer."
"You sure?" Cherise checked.
"Yes. I like this time of night. It's relaxing."
"Okay then. Well, be sure to let us know what time that vixen Marilyn gets back. If she gets back," Scarlett winked.
Lily watched her friends walk off then summoned a book - the title's not important - from a nearby table and began to read. As she immersed herself deeper and deeper within the pages, the students in the common room gradually dwindled. Cluster by cluster they removed themselves from the poufy armchairs and couches to migrate to their own, warm beds for the night. Without realizing it, Lily read right on past midnight.
Somewhere around 1am, the group consisting of Marilyn, Remus, James, and Sirius entered the common room stealthily. Students generally weren't appreciated out of bed past 11pm.
Lily turned her head to look... then wished she hadn't. Out of instinct, Remus and Marilyn threw small nods of acknowledgement to Lily, then rushed to their respective staircases. James lingered at first, then, feeling the tension in the room, decided to follow in Remus's footsteps. Be that he wanted to or not.
Sirius stayed. The one person Lily most wanted to avoid.
He walked tentatively to the end of the couch she was sitting on and stood there ackwardly.
"Lily..."
"Sirius," she replied stiffly.
He searched the floor aimlessly with his eyes. Running an uneasy hand through his -perfect- hair, he exhaled audibly.
He was nervous.
Sirius Black, the guy who could muster a marriage proposal from a girl within 5 minutes of meeting her. Sirius Black, the guy who eased his way through - and out of - detentions weekly. Sirius Black, the smoothest of smooth operators in Hogwarts, nay, England - was nervous.
And quite noticeably so.
"Lily...I...I'm sorry," he stated defeatedly.
Lily turned her head the other way and apparently became fixated with a tapestry on the wall.
Sirius moved a few steps toward her sitting figure. "Really...what I did...well, what I did to you...it wasn't right. I...I know that now. And...I just want you to know that...I'm sorry."
Silence.
Sirius rubbed his face distressingly with one hand.
"Why did you do it...?" Lily's quite voice spoke sadly. She was still facing the opposite wall.
The image of a smile haunted Sirius's lips, as if cynically amused with himself. "Because I fancied myself God's gift to women," he said extremely matter-of-factly.
A lone tear escaped from Lily's eye in spite of all her resistance to let Sirius affect her once more. "Leave me alone.." she uttered in a choked whisper.
At this, Sirius sat down next to Lily and forced her to face him. "I can't."
"Why not?" Lily bit with fresh tears glistening on the brim of her lashes. "Why do you even care? Huh? Isn't there some girl you could be snogging right now?" Her voice wavered on the last few words.
Sirius's face was uncharacteristicly solemn. "I care because... I hurt you." His gaze broke away from Lily and dropped to his lap. His eyes were desperate...confused...it was as if saying the words confirmed what he had suspected. "And I don't ever want to do that again..." he breathed.
Lily couldn't find any words to say. She scanned his miserable face. Something was lingering around in those baby blues of his that was never there before -- something that resembled remorse.
"I guess he was right," Sirius murmured almost to himself. He locked his eyes with hers. "You really are a special girl, Lily Evans."
He kissed her softly on the cheek, pausing an elongated moment after he pulled away to look in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," he whispered once more before standing up and walking languorously to the boys staircase, eventually disappearing.
Yes... they always walked away...
I'm thinking some of you out there in reader-land will recognize that little "kiss on the lips/neck" question. Tee Hee. I was fortunate in not having to think up my own thanks to the game y'all had going earlier. Much thanks.
Anywho - So yeah, this whole ordeal is like, over and done with in two days, story-time. LoL. I'm so horrible with time like that. But oh well. It's not like it's over COMPLETELY. Oh no. Oooooh no.
And I leave you here.
-Ciao.