A/N - This was originally a huge chapter, but I've split it into two parts. It jumped around a lot and covered way too much to flow as one coherent chapter, so...this is basically the first half. I'll try to update the second portion tomorrow. And thanks again to anyone taking the time to post some feedback. I really appreciate it!


Addison hesitated at the edge of the cafeteria, gripping a plastic yogurt container tightly and trying to convince herself to just go and talk to her husband. She could see his profile, seated at a far table with a host of paperwork laid out in front of him. He didn't have any food with him, just one of those cheap Styrofoam coffee cups and an emptied sugar packet. He was working, obviously working. She knew he could say that he was busy and that she wouldn't really have an argument for that. Still, Addison wanted to talk to her husband. The small, bittersweet victory of the night before had all but faded away because he had woken up as indifferent as ever, without a smile for her, or a conversation on the drive to work, not even a simple 'good morning'. When he'd looked at her at all it was when he thought she wasn't paying attention, and then he'd gone and asked Bailey specifically for Meredith Grey in front of her. Addison let her frustration cancel out her nerves and propel her across the cafeteria towards Derek.

"Hey," she said, faking cheerfulness as she slipped into the open seat across from him. Derek stopped writing and looked up at her, the tip of his pen hovering just above the paper. "Busy day? I haven't got any surgeries today myself, just a bunch of office visits…" She smiled at him, pausing to give him a chance to speak. He didn't. "Derek?"

"Yeah," he answered at last, punctuating his speech with a heavy sigh. "A busy day…" He gestured at the small mountain of forms and charts in front of him. Addison nodded and opened the lid on her yogurt, spooning a large helping of strawberry into her mouth. It was her favorite flavor yet somehow she couldn't seem to taste anything.

"Um…how was your DBS case?" she asked when Derek had simply turned back to his paperwork. "The surgery went smoothly?"

"It's not for another hour still." His voice was low and distracted, and Addison knew he was already mentally tuning her out. She picked at her yogurt for a few minutes in silence as he finished up a form and moved on to another one.

"I'm sure Meredith will be very helpful," she finally blurted out, knowing that it would get his attention back. She was right, his head lifted instantly. He seemed shocked or nervous, his skin rapidly growing paler and his eyes turning shifty and apprehensive. "How nice of you to choose her to assist you," continued Addison, enjoying the sudden change her words had wrought in Derek.

"She's talented." When he'd finally spoke he had gained control of himself again, and his words were nonchalant and accompanied by a return to the paperwork in front of him. Addison sighed and kicked at the table leg, wincing as her toe collided with the hard corner of the leg. She'd given up on her yogurt and was just watching Derek, trying to find that thin line between saying too much and too little. It always seemed to shift where Derek was concerned.

"Is that the only reason you requested her?" Addison finally asked, knowing her tone had turned shrill and accusatory, but feeling powerless to stop it. "Because she's talented?"

"Addison…" Derek's voice was pure exasperation tinged with sadness. She nodded, bracing herself for a rant on the many medical skills of Meredith Grey. He looked around at the busy cafeteria and shook his head. "We can talk about this later. I need to go check on a patient." Derek had somehow managed to gather up the mess of papers as he spoke, and was rising out of his seat before Addison had a chance to speak. She blinked in surprise at the vacated chair.

"Right, we'll talk later…"

-----

"Mr. Prichard, how are you feeling?" questioned Meredith as she moved into the man's room. He had been laying back in his bed, eyes closed and seeming oddly peaceful despite the continuous tremors running through his hands. He looked up and smiled at Meredith.

"Very well Dr. Grey. Is it almost time for my surgery?"

"Yes, the OR is all ready for you. Dr. Shepherd will be up here in just a moment to see you, and then you'll be good to go." Emily Prichard let out a delighted squeal at Meredith's words and moved from her corner chair to perch her plump form precariously on the edge of her husband's bed. Meredith barely refrained from rolling her eyes. "Anyway Mr. Prichard," continued Meredith, returning her attention to the husband. "Do you have any last minute questions? Are you feeling comfortable with the idea of remaining conscious during the surgery?"

"Oh no, no worries," he said as a nurse wheeled in the bed that would transport him to the OR. "It's like a pacemaker for my brain." He looked down at his shaking hands somewhat sadly. "Help control all of this."

"Exactly," agreed Meredith, stepping back to let the nurse transfer him to the other bed. "You'll find yourself moving about much more easily afterwards." She smiled reassuringly at him, but felt her smile freeze on her face when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her accompanied by Emily's loud and sudden giggling.

"Well, how are we doing in here today?" His voice had switched to that friendly gentle tone he always used with patients, confident, reassuring, with an undercurrent of seriousness to it that made it easy to trust him. It always reminded Meredith of how he'd been when he found out about her mother. How, for a little while, he'd made her feel like she wasn't buried beneath this huge, impossible problem. Somehow, it had actually felt like something that she could handle. Meredith smiled wistfully, remembering how that feeling had vanished a long time ago, and forced herself to turn and look at Derek. For a moment, they both hesitated, he looking up from the chart in his hands, she forgetting what she had meant to say.

"The OR is ready Dr. Shepherd," she managed at last, whishing she hadn't sounded so flustered and breathy.

"Thank you Dr. Grey," he nodded, smiling as he closed the chart. They both paused again, the thin veil of professionalism that hid their relationship from the people in front of them suddenly feeling stranger then usual. "So do you have any questions Mr. Prichard?" Derek continued, turning to focus on the patient.

"Oh no, Dr. Grey explained it all very well," he began, only to be cut off by his wife.

"Yes, yes she did," she declared. "But she didn't need to you know, I'm not nervous at all. Not since Roger raved about how excellent you were, and then Dr. Grey agreed too." Emily waggled a plump hand in Meredith's direction for emphasis, the beaded bracelets on her arm clinking as she did. Meredith could see Derek smiling softly, trying not to seem to pleased at her words.

"Well I have done this procedure numerous times," he said fairly. Emily got up and waddled after them, holding her husband's hand as he went wheeling down the hall.

"And that's not all we learned from Dr. Grey," she continued. Derek tilted his head forward, looking curiously at Emily. But Meredith closed her eyes and wished she could disappear, sensing what was about to happen just a second before Emily spoke. "She tells us you're married," Emily announced in a sing-song voice, the type often used on a playground when children are teasing each other. Meredith could feel Derek's eyes on her, but she kept her attention trained on the blanket covering Mr. Prichard's legs. "Although I couldn't get anything else out of her," continued Emily when nobody replied. "Flat out refused to say any more!" She looked up at Derek as if he should find this shocking.

"That was very generous of her," said Derek quietly, and Meredith almost smirked.

"Generous? Hardly! Stingy is what I'd say," laughed Emily as they all squeezed into an elevator. "When I was a young pretty thing like Dr. Grey, I knew all the gossip. Still do now, even though I'm old and soft, in my own circle, that is." She looked about the elevator proudly, her gaze landing again on Meredith. "Come on dear, there's still time," she said encouragingly. "Tell me something to entertain me while I wait!" Meredith shot a stricken look at Derek, which Mr. Prichard managed to intercept.

"Come on now darling," he said fondly, doing his best to pat her hand. "Let the doctors concentrate. They're about to go to work in my brain remember?" Emily nodded, her smile suddenly faltering just a little.

"You will take care of him, won't you Dr. Shepherd?" she asked plaintively, her laughter fading away as she spoke.

"Of course, I'll do my very best Mrs. Prichard," agreed Derek.

"Emily, doctor! Call me Emily!" she said instantly, her smile returning somewhat as he laughed and agreed. She turned to say her goodbyes to her husband as he was handed off to the scrub nurses.

"We'll see you in the OR in a few minutes Mr. Prichard," added Derek as he disappeared into the scrub room, leaving Meredith with no choice but to follow after him.

-----

The sound of water streaming from the faucets filled Meredith's ears. Somehow it seemed much louder then usual, jets of water pounding down into the cold silver basin of the sink and Derek's back to her, his hands dripping in the water and the soap. She walked over and turned on the other faucet, slipping her hands into the stream of water. It was too hot, burning even against her skin, but she didn't bother to adjust it. She stared straight ahead through the glass window, watching as Mr. Prichard was wheeled into the OR and situated around the machines. The water and the sting of the soap were making her hands feel raw, but that didn't bother her nearly as much as the thick pressure of Derek watching her or the prickling silence that had filled the room.

"She asked," said Meredith flatly, almost defensively, still staring straight ahead. She could practically hear Derek nodding as the faucets turned off and the water drained in round droplets from their hands.

"Well I am…married that is." He sounded a little bit helpless, and Meredith felt herself cycle through her increasingly familiar pattern of frustration, guilt and anger in the time it took him to hand her a towel. She wanted to be childish and take it without looking at him, but managed to smile at him a little.

"You are," she agreed quietly.

"Meredith…"

Meredith hesitated at the door to the OR, torn between frustration and the knowledge that they did need to talk, but finally allowing the sight of Mr. Prichard on the table to help her focus. "We have a patient waiting, Dr. Shepherd," she said simply, and let herself into the OR.

Meredith had never been able to pinpoint exactly what it was she loved about surgery. She thought maybe that it was the control, that in the OR there was only focus and purpose and action. The sort of messes that bogged down her everyday life were replaced with messes that were purely physical. In surgery, there was always a plan. There was always a way to go in and fix things, to heal. It never was like that outside of the OR. In the real, everyday world, healing was a mystery. Whenever she thought she'd fixed herself up, healed herself, a single comment could be enough to turn her raw and wounded again. Hell, even a look could be enough. From Derek, Meredith mentally corrected herself. A look from Derek. It was always him. Before him, relationships had been easy because she hadn't really cared. She'd never lost control because it was always purely physical, just like in the OR. But even with all the OR-mimicking control and simplicity of the purely physical, her relationships had always lacked that rush that was so inherent to the OR. It was the surgical rush, that heady, dizzy feeling that melted away everything beyond the goal of the surgery, making her almost painfully aware of what it was to be alive. Meredith wouldn't have guessed that it could exist outside of surgery, but it did. All she had to do was look Derek in the eyes, just really look. Not at him, but into him, almost through him, and everything melted away. The people around them, the room they were in, even time seemed to stop. All that was left was her and Derek and that rush.

"I'm sorry about my wife."

The words somehow reached Meredith, pulling her slowly out of the spiral of her thoughts and away from the complex concentration of brain surgery. Addison… Meredith thought to herself. Why is he talking about her now? But when the voice spoke again, it wasn't Derek's. "I know she talks a lot. She can be a little giddy, but she means well." It was Mr. Prichard.

"Oh…no need to apologize," stammered Meredith quickly, stepping down from where she was observing and going around to face Mr. Prichard. "You seem very fond of her, like you're happy together. And that's all that really matters."

"It is, isn't it Dr. Grey?" He smiled warmly at her, looking up past his gently quivering hands.

"The probe is in," said Derek, speaking up beyond his usual litany of surgical commands.

"It is," echoed Meredith softly. And Mr. Prichard's hands finally stopped shaking.

-----

"What are you doing here?" asked Meredith as Christina walked into the locker room and sat down next to her.

"Bailey paged me," said Christina, leaning her head back against the metal door of a locker and closing her eyes.

"Bailey paged you? She paged me too."

"Maybe she's going to yell at you some more for being late, and didn't want me to miss the fun," suggested Christina.

"You know what? That's not funny. How could you, my supposed friend, bring up memories of my horrible breakfast date?"

"Yeah, it's really shocking isn't it," said Christina, smirking at the thought. "How's Finn? Broken his heart yet?"

"No," said Meredith huffily. "I'm not going to break Finn."

"Well, you broke George."

"That was…that's just…well, it's completely unrelated to this!" She shot Christina a look and quickly changed the subject. "How's Burke?"

"He's…" Christina sighed. "He's going to be fine." She paused for a second before she too quickly switched gears. "How's McDreamy?"

"I spent the whole day discussing his marital status with a patient," hissed Meredith, a pained look crossing her face as she spoke.

"Oww…" moaned Christina sympathetically, but before she could say more, the door to the locker room swung open and Bailey walked in.

"Grey, Yang." The two girls started to struggle to their feet, but Bailey raised a hand to stop them. "The on-call schedule hasn't been adjusted yet to accommodate Stevens leaving." Meredith nodded slowly, propping her head up with her hands. "Now Karev was on last night and O'Malley is on tomorrow, so that means Stevens' night falls to one of you." Christina groaned slightly, realizing what Bailey was saying. "I don't care what you do. Share it, flip for it, whatever makes you happy. Just get it done." She started to walk back out the door, but paused to look back at them, her expression somewhat softened. "And Grey…" Meredith looked up expectantly. "Tell Izzie to come in and see me. Surgery might not be for her, but there's still a lot of good that girl can do with four years of medical school." Meredith nodded and Bailey walked out, letting the door close with a gentle thud.

"Well…" said Christina after they'd sat in silence for a few minutes. "What were your plans for tonight?"

"I'm taking it," said Meredith simply, standing up and pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

"What? Mer…no. I'll do it. You're the one who's all emotionally unstable with the live-in, grieving roommate. You should be at home with Izzie."

"And you're the one whose boyfriend took a bullet. Besides, George is better with Izzie and you suck at crosswords."

"Huh?" asked Christina, following her friend out of the locker room and back into the hospital.

"You need the practice," said Meredith pointedly, looking Christina in the eye. Christina hesitated for a moment, but gave in and nodded.

"Alright…thanks Mer." Meredith just shrugged and smiled. "Ooh don't look now," continued Christina, her face brightening into an amused smirk as she peered around Meredith. "But there's your ride."

"What?" asked Meredith, spinning around to find Derek walking out of an exam room. "Ok, that? Also not funny," she hissed at Christina. She paused as Derek looked up and their eyes locked from across the room. But before she could think of how to respond, Christina had linked arms with her and was dragging her quickly backwards. "What are you doing!" she asked as Derek shot the two of them a puzzled look.

"Shh….I'm saving you here," declared Christina, and she didn't let go of Meredith until she'd pulled her all the way down the hall and away from Derek.