A/N - Thanks so much for the comments everyone. I know I say that every chapter, but seriously, they make the writing so worthwhile. So thanks!


Apparently, volunteering to cover Izzie's shift had caused Bailey to forget Meredith had been late the day before. Halfway through the afternoon, Meredith found herself being told she could go home. She could go sleep. She didn't have to come back until tomorrow. Meredith felt profoundly relieved at the idea of escaping the hospital for a little while. She'd been walking around in a haze all day. She hadn't had a chance to talk to Christina about what she had done. When they met before rounds, Christina's eyes looked curiously red, as if she'd been crying, and Meredith knew better then to ask her why. Instead she'd just cornered Bailey and suggested she assign Christina to the spinal surgery Shepherd was doing. The major, eight hour long surgery he was performing. Bailey had looked at her as if she was crazy for actually making a suggestion to her Resident, but after a moment, she had nodded. Some people turn to cookies and ice cream to feel better. Others need to hold a scalpel or two. And it had worked. When Bailey assigned Christina to the case, her whole face had lit up and she'd started raving about vertebrae. Still, it meant Christina was in surgery with Shepherd. Meredith couldn't talk to her and the last time she had seen Derek she'd been grinning up at him as he retied her scrubs for her, their bodies still drunk with each other. That had been before she walked out of the room and face to face with Addison. Meredith felt herself shudder at the memory of Addison staring at her, her face expressionless but her eyes as cold and piercing as ice. Magically, she hadn't ran into Addison since then. But the knowledge that it was possible for Addison to show up at any moment had been making Meredith terribly antsy. And so, she didn't protest for a second when Bailey suggested she take the afternoon off and catch up on her rest. Instead, she practically flew out of the hospital.

Meredith knew Bailey's idea of rest probably differed somewhat from her own. She hadn't gone home at all. Instead, she'd gotten in her car and driven all of 40 seconds across the street and into the small parking lot of Joe's bar. Meredith had never been there so early, and for a moment she was worried that Joe wouldn't have opened up yet. However, the door swung inward easily on its hinges and she walked into the cool dim room of the bar. It was practically empty inside. A couple sat at a corner table, heads tilted together in quiet conversation. Joe was leaning on the counter, flipping idly through a magazine, but he looked up and grinned as she walked in.

"Well if it isn't Meredith Grey. Shouldn't you be off saving someone's life right about now?"

"Nuh uh," mumbled Meredith, hopping up onto a barstool. "Bailey gave me the afternoon off." Joe shot her an incredulous look and she laughed. "I know, it's crazy isn't it? But I took Izzie's shift…maybe Bailey's going soft after all."

"I always knew she had it in her," said Joe. Meredith motioned for a drink, causing Joe to grin and shake his head. "You are starting early today aren't you?" He filled a shot glass with tequila and handed it to her. She traced a finger around the edge of the glass before lifting it and letting the alcohol slide slowly down her throat. The burning sensation started at her lips and followed the drink all the way down. Meredith sighed, there was something familiar, almost comforting about the mild stinging pain.

"Being proactive," she answered at last, causing Joe to frown at her in confusion. "Well you see, I've been walking around in a daze all day, just waiting for the guilt to kick in. It hasn't yet…I think I must be in shock. But it will kick in, and hard." She paused, shrugging. "I'm just trying to get a head start on all the numbing and distracting myself I'm going to have to do."

"So you're a sensible drunk."

"Yes," agreed Meredith, pausing to swallow a second shot. "With a plan. I'm a sensible drunk with a plan."

"That's my favorite type," said Joe affectionately. "Now, this impending guilt, it doesn't possibly have anything to do with McSteamy does it?" Meredith frowned up at him.

"Dreamy Joe, McDreamy." She moaned and let her head fall into her hands. "And yes it does, and how do you know?"

"George and Callie told me. They were…"

"Seriously?" interrupted Meredith. "George and Callie told you?" She spun around on the barstool, checking to see if anyone from the hospital had walked in, but the bar was still empty save for the couple in the corner. "Great…this is just great. All of Seattle now knows who I'm sleeping with!" She moaned again, leaning forward to whack her head against the wooden countertop. Joe reached out and patted her on the head, further ruffling her messy hair.

"I don't think the whole city knows Mer," he said gently, but Meredith sat up and glared at him, shaking her head furiously.

"Addison knows. At least, I am 99.99 percent sure that she knows." She paused and looked down at her empty glass. "Joe, I'm going to need more tequila. Actually, you could just stick a straw in that bottle and hand it to me." She motioned toward the bottle in Joe's hand. "That'd work nicely." Joe laughed and shook his head, refilling her shot glass instead.

"See, then all my customers would want one, and I just don't have enough straws." Meredith grabbed the glass from him, throwing the tequila down her throat, and glared at him until he refilled it. She'd been wrong about the guilt, or at least her strategy for dealing with it. It was definitely there, filling her with a heavy pained feeling that reminded her of how she'd felt after the prom when she lay crying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. "Now, what about Addison?" She heard Joe's voice, coaxing her to talk more instead of drink more, and she sighed and looked up at him.

"Yeah, last night she was standing there…" mumbled Meredith. "Right outside the room where we were… and she saw me when I walked out." Meredith bit nervously on her lip. "She didn't see us together, but he was still in there…she had to have seen him when he came out." Joe raised his eyebrows, looking rather surprised at her words, but he didn't say anything. "Oh Joe…this is bad," moaned Meredith. "I'm a bad friend, a bad person, a bad mistress. Well no, I'm a good mistress. I'm good at screwing the married men, but ugh…that makes me bad." She paused, frowning down at her again emptied glass. The rush of tequila was not only burning her lips but loosening them. "I'm rambling. I'm sorry, I know I am. Tell me something Joe. Talk to me. Anything! Distract me from my vapid, narcissistic ways." Joe laughed at her, but nodded his agreement.

"How's Izzie doing?" he asked, his tone immediately turning gentle.

"I don't know Joe," said Meredith worriedly, Izzie's grief having a momentarily sobering effect on her. "I haven't seen her much because of work, but the last time I saw her she was disturbingly happy. Like screw-loose, crazy-freak type happy…"

"Do you think it'd help if I stopped by to visit her? My days are usually pretty light, and I know it can sometimes be hard to be alone after someone you love dies." He seemed slightly hesitant, as if worried Meredith would disapprove. However she just smiled and nodded her head.

"That'd be real nice. I think she'd really like that. I mean, you're like practically part of our family." Joe nodded happily and moved away to tend to some customers who had just entered. Meredith went back to staring down into her drink. The alcohol was starting to do its job. The memory of Addison's eyes boring through her no longer felt like a knife to her stomach, just a vaguely uncomfortable thought that could be numbed with more alcohol. Meredith wasn't sure how long she sat there, but eventually Joe made his way back to her to refill her drink.

"What do you think of Derek?" she blurted out.

"Dr. Shepherd? Well…the man did save my life, so I suppose I have a slight bias there," teased Joe.

"No Joe, seriously," continued Meredith, pausing to swallow another glass full of tequila. "Am I just being stupid here? Well yes…obviously I am. But, should I not love him?" She looked helplessly up at Joe. "It'd be so much easier if I didn't," she said quietly.

"He's not perfect Meredith," said Joe heavily. "Not at all, but he's not a bad man. He works hard, really cares for his patients." He paused and sighed, absently wiping down the counter. "But if he doesn't see that you deserve more then to be his mistress…Meredith?" Meredith stared fixedly at the counter, avoiding Joe's eyes. "Meredith," he repeated. "Don't you want more then to be someone's mistress?" She didn't answer, just reached out and took the bottle of tequila from him, refilling her own glass. She turned her attention back to the grooves and nicks in the countertop, not looking up again until another customer had called Joe away. Meredith just let herself sit there, ignoring the people around her as the bar filled up. She didn't know how long she sat there and she didn't really care. It was best just to sit there and try to feel nothing at all. The hot, bitter taste in her mouth from too many drinks helped distract her. However, her thoughts kept drifting back to the very first time she'd sat at the bar, the very first time she met Derek. "Meredith?" asked Joe, walking back over to her.

"I met Derek here," she said softly.

"I know," he nodded.

"So you know, since this is your bar, I kinda have to blame you for all of this Joe." She smiled for a moment as he laughed and agreed to share the blame, but the memory of Derek sitting next to her as two, drunken, flirting strangers kept resurfacing. "I have to go," she stammered, fumbling about in her purse. "This is all reminding me of Derek…dammit!" Unable to find what she was looking for, she flipped her purse upside-down, emptying its contents all over the counter. She started to rummage through the pile, cursing as she searched.

"Meredith…why is your stuff all over my bar?" Joe picked up a large, purple bottle of lotion. "Lotion, a toothbrush…slippers?" He grabbed her hands. "What are you looking for?"

"My wallet," moaned Meredith. "I must of left it in my locker. Great, just great. I've got to go get it." She spun around, nearly falling off her stool. "Will you watch my stuff?"

"Meredith…Meredith," repeated Joe. "Trust me, you do not want to walk through your job this drunk. You can get your wallet tomorrow, and I'll just put your drinks on Dr. Shepherd's tab." He winked at her. "It's the least he can do."

"Ok," she agreed quietly, the corner of her mouth twitching into a half smile. "Still, I have to go." She grabbed her keys, and shoved the rest of her stuff back into her purse.

"Oh, you are so not driving," said Joe, spotting the keys glinting in her hand.

"Like hell I am," she snapped, feeling suddenly angry.

"Meredith…" She turned around to glare at him, but tripped over her feet and almost slammed into the counter. "See?" he said pointedly.

"Fine," she muttered grudgingly. "Fine…I won't drive okay?" She steadied herself and started to walk away again.

"Do you want me to call you a cab?" offered Joe, causing Meredith to whirl around one more time.

"No." She fished around in the pocket of her jacket. "I have a phone," she hissed, holding up her cell phone for him to see. She staggered to the door, stumbling once more on her way out, and let herself sink down onto the stone steps outside.

-----

Meredith was trying to decide if she had done a stupid thing in calling Finn. She figured she probably had, but it had seemed like a good idea when her fingers were doing the dialing. George was still at work, and she knew Christina probably just wanted to be with Burke. She couldn't bring herself to ask Izzie to come get her, and Derek was out of the question. That pretty much just left Alex and Finn. Somehow, Meredith couldn't quite remember why, she'd decided it would be better to call Finn. She moaned and rested her head against the railing on the stairs, rubbing the back of her hand over her bleary eyes. She hadn't realized it would be dark outside, hadn't realized she had spent the whole afternoon at Joe's. But it was definitely night out. The sky was a velvety blue-black, dotted with street lights and neon signs and a few distant stars. The air was cool as it blew across her face, and Meredith unzipped her jacket, hoping the coldness would have a sobering effect on her. She was still busy trying to come up with reasons to call Finn and cancel when she saw his car pull up.

"Meredith, are you alright?" he asked as he got out the car. "You sounded really messed up on the phone. Did something bad happen?"

"Alcohol Finn," said Meredith thickly, turning to shoot an obvious glare at the neon bar sign hanging above her. "I'm scary and damaged, remember?" she said bitterly as he helped her to her feet.

"But what happened? Why'd you go get so drunk?" He walked her around to the passenger side of his car and pulled the door open. "What's wrong Meredith?" he asked gently, lines of concern creasing his face.

"I don't want to talk about it," mumbled Meredith, slipping into the seat. "Please…Finn, just take me home." He sighed but nodded, and walked back around to the other side. Meredith leaned back in the seat, watching the blur of lights and cars as he pulled out of the lot and began to drive. She couldn't bring herself to speak. She was feeling dangerously on the verge of tears, and the way he turned to look worriedly at her at every red light was only making the feeling worse. Just breathe, she reminded herself over and over until the car finally slowed down and pulled into her driveway.

"Meredith," said Finn softly. "Mer…" She sighed and turned to look at him, the waves of his hair were casting little shadows across his forehead. He reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes, and before Meredith knew what she was doing, she had put a hand on his leg and leaned forward, kissing him. It was a strange feeling, the rush of tequila that usually had her wild and ripping off every last shred of clothing, was holding her curiously still. Their lips were just touching, pressed softly together, his hand hovering hesitantly against her back. There was no longing, no excitement, not even the slightest tingling of lust. She felt only emptiness and a little sadness, and so Meredith opened her eyes.

"I love him," she whispered, her lips brushing against his as she spoke.

"You love him…" Finn echoed, his hand falling away from her back.

"I do," said Meredith softly, pulling away from Finn and sitting back in her seat. "I'm sorry…I don't mean to still love him. I've been trying for so long to stop, but I just can't."

"Derek?" he asked quietly, turning in his seat to look at her. Meredith nodded her head, feeling tears once again start spilling from her eyes.

"You're a great guy Finn," she stammered. "I don't deserve you. That's actually a huge understatement. You have no idea just how much I don't deserve you."

"Meredith, I know it's hard to get over someone you love. I get that, but…Derek's married. Don't you want to try to move on?" His voice was gentle and encouraging, as if he had complete faith in her ability to get over Derek. But Meredith just shook her head and stared intently at her hands. She was gripping her purse tightly, her lips starting to tremble at the thought of what she was about to say.

"I'm still…" Her voice broke and she paused, swallowing and taking a deep breath before trying again. "I'm still sleeping with him, Finn." Her words were met by silence, and so she forced herself to keep talking. "I'm sorry…I know it's horrible. Please, at least believe me that I know it's horrible. Derek and I…we…I don't even know how to begin explaining us, and you probably don't really want to know. And I know there's probably a good chance I'll turn bitter because of him." Meredith sighed, her mind suddenly filling with memories of her mother. "That I'll end up heartbroken and alone because I can't stop loving him…I know that." She twisted in her seat to look at Finn, who was staring at her in silence. His mouth was gaping slightly and his eyes were wide and expressionless. "But that's no excuse for me to drag you down with me," she whispered. Meredith brushed away the tears that were falling down her cheek. "I'm sorry Finn," she repeated. "But I wanted to at least try and get this one thing right, to actually be honest with you. I know you probably don't want to even look at me anymore though, so I'm just gonna go," she mumbled, slipping her purse on over her shoulder.

Meredith turned to leave, but looked back at him as her hand found the handle on the door. "Thank you…for being so sweet and so perfect and so understanding. It's not you Finn, it's totally and completely me. I know that's what everyone says when they break up with someone, so I'll just stop that now," she stammered, opening the door and stepping out. "But it is true," she whispered as she glanced back at him one final time before she closed the door and walked to her house, leaving him sitting there staring out at the darkness.

-----

Meredith sighed and collapsed against the closed door of her house, brushing away the tears that stained her cheek. Her whole house smelt amazing, and growing curious, Meredith made her way down the hall and into the kitchen. Meredith froze in the doorway, wondering if her house really had turned into Candyland or is she was just far more drunk then she had imagined. The center table was covered with cakes. Some were bare, just naked forms waiting to be decorated. Others were partially frosted. A few had been completely finished, adorned with icing and swirls of colored frosting and fruit toppings. Trays of cookies and cupcakes covered the counters, dirty bowls and spoons filled the sink, a bag of flour had toppled over and spilled onto a chair. "What happened here?" muttered Meredith, spinning around to take in all of the room.

"Me," came a quiet voice from somewhere on the floor. Meredith rushed forward to find Izzie sitting in a corner, her back against the stove. She had a dirty apron on and was holding a huge plate of brownies in her lap.

"Izzie," murmured Meredith, sinking down to sit beside her. "You've been baking…" Izzie nodded and took a bite of the brownie she had in her hand.

"I told George I couldn't think about De…" she stopped, catching herself before she said his name. "About sad things, and he said okay. We made cookies. It helped a little, but then he went to work and…" She looked at Meredith and sighed. "I didn't want to stop, didn't want to go back to thinking about everything. So you know, I just kept baking. Only now," she gestured around at the overflowing kitchen. "I don't think there's anything left to make." Meredith wasn't sure what to say, so she slipped her arm around Izzie and hugged her. "Nothing tastes right though," she continued plaintively. "I think I've forgotten how to bake." She thrust a brownie at Meredith. "Taste this." Meredith frowned but took the brownie.

"It tastes good Iz, seriously. Your stuff's always good." Somehow Izzie seemed relieved by this because she sighed and smiled a little.

"You know…I see him when I close my eyes," she whispered. "I wish I didn't see him. I wish I could forget." A tear fell from her eye, but she wiped it hastily away.

"Yeah," said Meredith quietly. "Hold on." With her free arm she pulled open the cabinet by her feet.

"Meredith, what are you doing?" asked Izzie curiously, as Meredith leaned forward, digging around in the cabinet. "You're drinking?" Meredith had pulled out a half-empty bottle of tequila and was twisting the lid off. Meredith looked up sheepishly, but shrugged her agreement. "You had sex," said Izzie flatly.

"What? How do you know?" The bottle had been halfway to her mouth, but she set it down in surprise.

"Meredith Grey, your problems are always due to alcohol or sex or alcohol and sex. But seriously, relax. It was a temporary celibacy vow, until you stopped being stupid. It didn't mean you could never sleep with Finn."

"I broke up with Finn five minutes ago," muttered Meredith, letting a warm disgusting swallow of tequila wash down her throat.

"The sex was that bad?" asked Izzie incredulously.

"No…good sex. Very, very good sex."

"Mer, you didn't!" gasped Izzie, understanding instantly.

"I did," moaned Meredith. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say anything. We were talking about you, not me." Izzie shrugged and shook her head.

"You're stupid Meredith, and two weeks ago," she sniffed, feeling tears starting to spill down her face. "Two weeks ago, I would've lectured you about it. But right now…could we just sit here and be miserable together?" she asked quietly. Meredith nodded. "Want some of my medicine?" She pushed the plate of brownies towards Meredith who took one halfheartedly. Izzie leaned her head on Meredith's shoulder as the sound of the doorbell rang out.

Meredith groaned at the sound, trying to ignore the possibility of finding either Derek or Finn on her doorstep. "Hold on Iz," she said gently as she got to her feet. "Have some of my medicine." She passed the tequila to Izzie and ran to get the door, her mouth dropping as she opened it.

"Christina?"

Christina was standing outside, her jacket pulled tightly around her. "Good, you're home," she said as she walked inside. "Burke sent me home. He said I needed to sleep in something other then a chair. Only that's so not why he sent me home." She was talking very fast, and her voice had an odd strained note to it. "I was telling him about assisting on the spinal surgery Mer. Only it's like there's this huge freaking elephant in the room because he can barely hold a glass of juice in his hand. And how can you do surgery if you can't even drink juice?" Christina sighed and looked at Meredith, shaking her head in disbelief. "I actually cried," she said quietly. "He hasn't seen me cry since the baby…I haven't cried, I don't cry Mer. And then he sent me home to get some rest and get him some stuff, only I can't go there. It's all Burke there!"

"Okay," said Meredith calmly, pulling Christina further inside the house. "I have a couch, or a bed. Whatever you'd prefer." She paused and looked at Christina, who was frowning at her. "What?"

"You're drunk. You smell like a bar." Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Quick version or long version?"

"Quick," said Christina immediately.

"I just broke up with Finn, I'm pretty much having an affair with Derek and I think Addison knows." Christina just laughed, shaking her head as she peeled off her jacket.

"My problems? They kick your problems' ass," she said proudly. Meredith nodded as the sound of Izzie calling for them floated out into the hall. "Izzie?" asked Christina, walking into the kitchen. "What the hell is going on…" She stopped short at the sight of the small tornado in the kitchen. Meredith sat back down next to Izzie, wrapping her arm around her again. Izzie leaned her head onto Meredith's shoulder.

"We're just sitting here, being miserable together," she said quietly.

"It helps," agreed Meredith as she stretched her legs out over an emptied box of cake mix. Christina sighed and kicked off her shoes, walking over to where they sat by the stove.

"Sounds good to me," she said, and she laid down on the floor next to them and closed her eyes.