Author's note: Hi everyone! I'm an Italian girl and I really love English and Grey's Anatomy, so I started writing an English fan fiction about Grey's. It's my first attempt to write a story in your language, so I'd really appreciate if you reviewed this to tell me first of all if you understand what I wrote (I really hope so!) and then what you think of the story, if it's a totally crap, or of it worth continuing. The first chapter is short, but in the future will be longer chapters. Thank you and review!

Impossible to forget

Chapter 1: I just can't live a lie

Meredith couldn't believe that was happening what was happening.

She was standing there, freezing, unable to say a single word while her gaze was now on Derek, then on Finn and then on Derek again….she couldn't breath because of the way he was looking at her, but she couldn't force herself to look away….it was always the same story with him. She forgot about Finn for a while and her mind came back to the exam room, to Derek that was kissing her, touching her, making love with her…..God it felt so right then, so perfect…..she had dreamt of that since he had left her for Addison…..oh my God, Addison, his wife, her suppose friend…..the reason because she couldn't be with Derek.

- What did I do? God, what did I do?- these words began to scream into her mind and she stopped looking at Derek. She had slept with a married man, she was a dirty mistress again…..she didn't know what to do.

- Derek what are you doing here? I thought you were following me-. It was Addison.

Derek looked at his wife and opened his mouth to say something, but it wasn't necessary, because Meredith spoke first. – I'm sorry Addison, it's my fault…..I…I'm so sad for Doc's death and Derek….Derek knows it so he just wanted make sure I was alright, right Derek?-

Derek gave her a deep, sad look, then said – Yeah, right. So….are you alright, Mere?-

- I….I'll be fine- she couldn't control her voice, she felt her eyes were getting fill with tears and she couldn't let herself cry in front of Addison and Finn….and Derek, in particular. She went near Finn and without knowing why, she found herself telling Derek – Don't worry about me….I have Finn-.

She'd never seen Derek so hurt, neither when he had found her at Finn's. Meredith could see it from his eyes….his blue eyes were so sad….Meredith didn't mean to say that, but couldn't help it….she was so angry with him…..he had hurt her so much lately but she couldn't stop loving him….why couldn't she just forget him and go on with Finn? Maybe she was angrier with herself than Derek, she hated herself because she wasn't able to do the right thing….yeah, forget Derek and be with Finn was the best thing to do, right?

After a while, Derek finally spoke – I see- he said simply, then he left follow by his wife who was gone after him without saying a word….Meredith hope that she had believed her.

- So, do you want me to take you home?- ask Finn gently…..too gently. Meredith felt horrible….Finn was so sweat and completely into her, and how was she thanking him? Cheating on him after a few dates? Using him to make Derek jealous? She was a horrible person.

- Yes, please. I'm so tired….besides, Izzie needs me- she finally said

- You're right, she needs her friends' support right now-

Meredith gave him a tired smile.

Finn was driving Meredith home. They hadn't spoken much since they had left the hospital.

Meredith was thinking of a way to tell him what had happened between her and Derek. She wanted to be honest, Finn didn't deserve a lie, she deserved the truth. Be honest with him was the least she could do. The problem was she didn't know how to tell him this truth. Did she has to tell him just about that night? Tell him that was a mistake and she regretted it? No, she couldn't tell him that, because it wasn't the truth….she didn't regret what happened with Derek…..she knew that was awful she didn't, that what they had done was wrong, but she couldn't help but feel that way. It had been beautiful being in Derek's arms again, feeling his hands touching her body, her hair….being kissed by him….nobody kissed Meredith like Derek did, nobody made feel Meredith the way Derek did….nobody was like Derek and Meredith wanted him….just him. That night she had felt Derek's heart beating like a crazy for her….she had felt his love…..in some way he loved her, now she was sure of that…it couldn't be anyway. Meredith couldn't swear that he felt about her the very same way she felt about him, but he had to feel something for her.

She…she doesn't drive me crazy, she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal, she doesn't make me sick to stomach thinking of my veterinarian touching her with his hands!

His words had to mean something, if Derek had said that was because he meant it.

But unfortunately all that didn't change the fact that he was married and she was dating Finn, that even if she didn't regret sleeping with him, it wasn't fair for a lot of reasons. Meredith had learnt that sometimes love was not enough, even if it was a deeply, consuming love like that she felt for Derek.

So she would have told Finn the entirely truth and go on with her life trying not to think about Derek because was the right thing to do. It sucked, but it was right.

Finn parked the car in front of her house – We're arrived- he said.

Meredith smiled at him….that wasn't the best moment to have the kind of conversation she needed to have with him. – Thank you Finn, see you tomorrow-

- Ok, you're alright?-

- Yes…goodnight- she gave him a kiss on the cheek and got off the car.

Derek was laying on his bad, his eyes lifeless.

I have Finn. I have Finn. I have Finn

Meredith's words kept repeating in his mind. She wanted to hurt him and she had done it. Not that he could blame her….he had been an ass with her lately…..a very big ass. But it was because he was so jealous of Finn…..yeah, he, Derek Shepherd, was jealous like a teenage guy, he was getting crazy at the idea of Meredith with another man….he couldn't stand it, he just couldn't. Let's face the reality: he was desperately in love with that girl and despite all his attempts of make his marriage works, of convincing himself that he could love his wife again, he couldn't. That night he had accept this reality and he had told Meredith how he felt about her or at least he hoped so….but Meredith was clearly still angry with him…..of course she was, he was still married, he made her cheat with him…..he was a jerk: the more he tried to adjust the things, the more he ruined everything. If he wanted to be with Meredith, he had to talk with his wife, he had to end his marriage. He hadn't planned to cheat on Addison, it was just happened…..he couldn't hide his feelings for Meredith anymore. He had felt guilty because he had ignored Addison before Mark, it was why he had tried to make his marriage work, for that and for his vows….but now it seemed all so worthless…..both of them had broken the vows and the marriage didn't work…..he was incredible unhappy, unable to stop thinking about another woman and that wasn't fair neither for Addison or him. Plus, for the first time he had realized he could lose Meredith forever, and that scared him like hell. He didn't want to hurt Addison, he really didn't, but he couldn't keep living a lie.

Addison went out the bathroom and sat down on bad – Meredith Grey is a terrible liar – she said.

- What?-

- She doesn't know how to tell a lie. Or do you think I believed at her version of what was going on?-

- Addison…..I'm sorry- those were the only words he managed to say. Addison beat her lips….she already knew what was going on between her husband and that intern, she had always known, but she didn't want to admit it, because it meant her marriage was over….really over.

- You know, she's dating the vet…and I think she really likes him- she said trying to hurt him

- Yes, I know that-

- So why don't you just try to forget her?-

- I tried, really. But I can't….I'm sorry-

- Stop saying you're sorry!- now she was screaming. She didn't want to act like this, but she couldn't help it. – Did you sleep with her tonight?- she asked calmer. Derek seemed surprised

- How do you know?-

- I just know….I can feel it-

- It wasn't planned Addison, I swear….It had happened just tonight-

- I know, but this doesn't make it less hard- She stood up – I'm staying in an hotel tonight-

- I think it's a good idea-

- So…it's over, right? It's really over this time-

- I guess it is-

- What are you going to do now? Beg her to come back to you?-

- Yes, all that is necessary-

Addison smiled sadly – You really love her, don't you?-

Derek's face make sweeter –Yes, I really do-