Author's note: I don't know why, but it's been kind of hard writing this chapter….but after all I think I like it. What do you think? Review, please!
Chapter 4: I love you
After the discussion with Derek, Meredith came back home immediately. She felt so confused…. Maybe she had been overstated with him, but she couldn't help it……she was scared, she was terrified, actually. Derek was too important to her, everything about him was a big deal and she didn't know how to manage all of that. And most importantly, she couldn't help but think about how he had hurt her last time…..she couldn't repeating that experience, she couldn't….it was too hard. Finally, there was Finn too. She didn't know how to act with him. She had told him the truth, but he didn't seem to care…he wanted to be with her. But….did she wanted to be with him? She liked him, she really did, but let's face the reality: she didn't want him…she wanted Derek. But did Derek really wanted her? There were too many questions and few answers…..it was so complicated!
- Hey Meredith- said George when she came in the kitchen.
- Hey George- He was alone…Callie weren't with him. He knows anyway…everybody know.
- A cookie?- he offered
- Oh, yes, thank you….I hadn't dinner tonight-
- Where have you been?- She didn't answer.
- Sorry, you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to-
- I'm sorry George…but I don't want to talk about it….-
- It's about Shepherd, isn't it?-
Meredith didn't say anything….he already knew the answer.
- Of course it's about him-
- George…-
- Don't. I'm not….we're not ready to talk about this again. Actually I don't know if I'll ever be, so…-
- Step by step, George. We have to rebuild our friendship step by step-
He smiled – Step by step-
Meredith smiled as well, then went upstairs.
The day after Meredith kept avoiding Derek. She knew it wasn't the righter thing to do, but she wasn't ready to have another discussion with him. When her shift was over, she was going to come back home, but someone she didn't expect was in the hall of the hospital: Finn was waiting for her.
Crap
- Finn! What are you doing here?- she asked
- Waiting for you….I wanted to bring you out tonight…..if you want to, of course-
- I' d like to go out with you, really, but that's not the best moment, actually-
- Why? Something's wrong?-
- No….it's just….- she didn't know what to say to him.
- Please, don't tell me it's still Derek-
- Finn….-
- Meredith, you're hurting yourself, you understand it? He's married, you can't be with him!-
- It's not so simple, Finn….I'm really confused, right now-
- Oh, you're a lovely couple….you know that?- Meredith turned back: it was Derek
Crap, crap, crap
- Derek!-
- Seriously Meredith, you've avoided me the all day and now you're with him here? Where I can see you? Are you trying to hurt me, or make me jealous or what? Do you want revenge? I don't understand, Meredith! –
- Don't talk to her like this!- said Finn angrily
- This is none of your business, I need to talk to Meredith-
- You don't have the rights to talk to her!-
Derek ignored Finn and told Meredith: - Please Mer….I don't understand why you're avoiding me….I just want to talk, we really need to talk. Please-
- Meredith, don't listen to him…come with me, Meredith-
Meredith wanted to yell. They made everything more difficult. Plus, everybody was looking at them…she hated that situation, she really hated it.
- Meredith!- Finn called her again…..she felt like she was living again the prom night.
Derek wasn't calling her instead: he was just looking at her…..his eyes were begging her to talk with him. Maybe she had to listen to him….she had to forget her fear and give him another possibility because it was what she wanted after all.
- I'm sorry, Finn….I need to talk to Derek-
- But Meredith…-
- I have to do it…..I'll call you later, ok?-
Finn was clearly upset, but he just said – Ok- and walked away.
Meredith looked at Derek: - So…let's talk, Derek-
Both Derek and Meredith agreed that the hall of the hospital wasn't the best place o talk, so they went in a bar….not Joe's bar, because there were too many people they knew over there.
They were sitting one in front of another, a little circle table separated them.
Meredith was staring to her coffee: she knew Derek was looking at her, so she was careful not to meet his gaze.
- I thought we had to talk- Derek said
- We should-
- So, you should look at me…or does you want have a conversation with your coffee?-
Meredith laughed – You're thinking I'm kind of crazy, right?-
- I'm not thinking that-
- You should then…..I'm driving you crazy….I'm driving Finn crazy…..and my self too-
- Meredith, what's up? You can talk to me, you can do it, Mer-
Meredith looked at him – I know about your divorce, Derek…I know it-
- You know?-
- I know-
Derek seemed confused – I don't understand….aren't you happy? I thought it was what you wanted-
- It's not so simple….I need to know why you're getting divorce, why you didn't tell me-
- I tried, but it's not that simple tell you something. You don't let me talk, you run away-
- I know….I know, but it's because I'm scared-
- Of what?-
- I didn't know if a divorce was what you really wanted. You've never asked for it until now. I thought….I still think that maybe you have still feelings for Addison-
Now Derek seemed really surprise – You think that? That I'm still in love with Addison?-
Meredith nodded.
- Meredith, it's not like that, I swear. I don't love her anymore. I stopped loving her a lot of time ago-
- So why have you chosen her? Why….why have you broken my heart?- she asked. Her beautiful eyes were getting fill with tears and he felt sick: he hated himself for making her feeling bad, for making her cry…..he hated seeing her cry. He loved her smile…..he wished she had always smiled.
- I'm sorry about that. I've never meant to hurt you, Mer. I felt guilty for being absent, it's my fault as well if my marriage was a mess. That's why I chose to stay with Addison the first time…..I felt so guilty….I thought it was my responsibility make my marriage work. But it's been all useless because my marriage was over a lot of time ago….and because of you. I tried not to think about you….but it was a waste of time. I thought that time would have helped me to forget you, but that's impossible: all the time in the world wouldn't be enough. The truth is the more I know you, the more I love you-
Meredith's heart was beating so fast that she thought it was going to explode. Derek took her hand
- I love you Meredith, I love you more than anything else-
- I can't believe this is happening…..I've wished for it for so long…-
- So lets it happening….give me another possibility, Meredith.-
Meredith wanted to say yes….she wanted to be with him, but she really needed to think about it.
- Derek….I need some time to think…I know you want an answer, but…-
- No, it's ok. You can have all the time you want, I'll wait…..I'll wait forever if I have to-
Meredith smiled – Thank you-
- So….what are you going to do with Finn?-
- I thought you would wait- Meredith said with a smirk.
- I'll do it, really….I'm just curious-
- You're jealous-
- Ok, I'm jealous….I really am-
Their hands were still thight together and none of them seemed to want to let go.
Meredith needed to think, that's true: but for now she felt too good….she would have thought later.