Author's note: First of all, thank you so much for your reviews! Sorry if it took so long to updated, I haven't been in town for two days plus it's been so hard writing this chapter….really hard. So let me know what you think, because I don't know if it's good or not. REVIEW, please!
Chapter 5: Fear
The morning after, Meredith woke up completely delighted.
Derek had said he loved her. He loved her. It was like a perfect dream, but it was even better…..that was the reality.
She had said Derek she needed time, but in that moment she couldn't remember why…..all she wanted to do was be with him. She was so tired of all the thinking….now she wanted to do.
She went to work determinate to talk with Finn once her shift would be over…then there would be just Derek and her…just them.
- It's just 5 o'clock and I already feel today will be a shit. Oh, that so a bad day!- Cristina was complaining but Meredith was too cheerful to let her friend darken her.
- Don't be so negative, Cristina. At the end of the day something could surprise you –
Cristina looked at her sceptically: - You're happy….you seem really happy, today-
Meredith smiled –I am-
- Are you? This is strange….something's happened with Derek?-
- Yes, actually it did…..we talked, and he said he love me-
- Wow-
- Yeah, wow-
- So he finally told you. I thought he would have never done it–
- Did you know that?-
- Of course that I know. Everybody know……I think even Addison knows. You know, sometimes you're really blind, Meredith.-
- I guess I am….-
Meredith and Cristina enjoyed George and Alex and they all went to Bailey to get their assignments.
-Finally! I thought you were lost!- said Bailey when she saw them arriving – Don't lose precious time! Yang, the Chief needs an intern, go! George you're with Shepherd, Alex you're with Dr. Norris, he'll replace Dr. Burke until he'll be able to do his job again. And finally, Grey, you're with Montgomery-Shepherd –
Crap
She hadn't thought about Addison anymore since the last night. She didn't want to spend the day with her….how was she supposed to act around her? Meredith assumed Derek had told her about their little thing in the exam room….Addison knew she had slept with her husband.
Meredith remembered when she had asked her if she was sleeping with Derek, days ago. She had said no…..and it was true, then. But now…..Addison had to think she was an hypocrite.
She breathed deeply and went in the elevator…..she had to do her job anyway.
Obviously he was there.
- Hi- he said with a smirk….that lovely smirk.
- Hi- she couldn't smile, not right now.
- Something's wrong?- he asked
- Why are you asking me it?-
- Because I know you…..and now your face is telling me something's wrong-
This time she smiled, but sadly. – I'm going to your wife. I'm on case with her today-
She had said your wife instead of Addison. She didn't mean to, but she couldn't help it.
- Oh- he didn't know what to say to her.
Elevator's doors opened – I have to go- Meredith said and went out.
-Meredith?- he called her stopping elevator's doors with his hand
- What?-
- She won't be my wife anymore soon. You have to remember it. I need you to remember it-
Meredith nodded. He had noticed it. She nodded: -I'll do it.-
- Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, I'm your intern- Meredith said when she saw Addison.
- Fine- she simply said.
She's hating me.
- What do you want me to do?-
- Our patient is a woman pregnant with three twins. I want you to check on her until this afternoon, when I'll operate her-
- Caesarean section delivery?-
- Yes-
Addison gave her attention to a patient's chart, but when she realized Meredith hadn't moved, she asked – Do you want to tell me something, Dr. Grey?-
- I…-
- You what?-
- I'm sorry- Meredith whispered
Why couldn't she keep her mouth shout? Why?
- I don't want you to be sorry-
- I know….I shouldn't have told you that…I just…-
- You asked me what I wanted you to do. Well, the last thing I want you to do is being sorry for me and for the end of my marriage.-
- Ok, I get it-
They keep being silent for a while
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh, but it's not simple for me having you around- Addison finally said.
- I know that-
- I have to get used to see him with you, I know, but for now I can't-
- We're not together- Meredith said immediately. She didn't know why, but she felt the urge to say it.
- You're not? Are you still with Finn?-
- I…..I don't know, actually. I don't know anything- it was too strange talk about it with Addison.
- Ok, we should only talk about work, you agree?- suggested Addison
- I agree-
A couple of hours before the caesarean section delivery Meredith was having lunch with Cristina
- Why are you so quiet?. Cristina asked while she was biting her sandwich.
- There's no reason-
- C'mon, Meredith, I'm not stupid!-
Meredith sighed – I don't understand, Cristina. This morning I was so happy….I knew what to do, I wanted to stay with Derek. And now….I don't know, I feel like something's wrong-
- You're so complicated!-
. Don't you have a suggest?- asked Meredith
- I gave you a suggest yesterday, a beautiful suggest…..and I'm not good at this kind of things, you know that. So….-
- I get it, you don't have a suggest, ok-
- I have to go to check on Burke…see you later- said Cristina and walked away.
After ten minutes Meredith went looking for Addison: she had to catch her up about their patient's condition.
- Have you seen Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?- she asked to a nurse
- She's over there. She's talking with her husband-
Her husband…Derek.
She turned back and saw them. They were talking like the nurse had said. Meredith couldn't hear what they were talking about, but they were very close and they were speaking softly.
Meredith was paralyzed. Why did she still feel so bad looking at the two of them together?
Derek loves me. He said he loves me.
But this thought didn't make her feel better.
She walked away. Suddenly, she knew what was wrong: she couldn't forget that he had hurt her. She wasn't ready for that. Even if she loved him. Even if she knew he loved her too.
Meredith spent the rest of her shift avoiding Derek. She hated doing it, she was always doing it lately. She was a coward, she was scared of being face to face with him.
The problem was he always found her in some way….and he found her this time as well, while she was leaving the hospital after her shift was over.
- Meredith!-
When she heard him, she started running away.
- Meredith! Wait!-
He caught her when they were out of the hospital.
- Why are you avoiding me? What did happen this time?- he asked
- Derek, please…-
- No, I'm tired of this. I said that I would have given you time and I'll do it. But I don't understand why you have to avoid me, acting like I wouldn't exist-
Meredith didn't say anything
Derek kept talking in a sweeter way: - I know there' something wrong. Tell me, talk to me, Mer. I'm here for you- he caressed her cheek – I love you-
Meredith couldn't keep herself from crying – Don't say it, please-
- Oh, Meredith…- Derek started kissing her face, but Meredith stopped him.
- I can't do this, Derek, I can't- she said
- What are you talking about?-
- I'm talking about us. I can't be with you-
- Why? –
- Because I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget what you have done to me….how you hurt me-
- But you can try-
- I could, but I don't know if I want to-
- I don't understand…-
- Derek, you're my everything…..what if you leave me again? I wouldn't stand to get hurt again-
- But I won't leave you, Mere! I'll never leave you again!-
- I can't be sure…-
- You have to trust me-
- I can't……I don't know how to do it-
Derek let fall his head between his hands – God, Meredith….we were fine yesterday, I know that. you want to be with me, I can feel it. So, why don't you just let it happen? Let me make you happy-
- I let you do it once, I gave you my heart and you broke it in thousand of pieces….you broke me- she yelled. She was crying hard now…..she thought she had forgiven him, but she hadn't.
- I already told you I'm sorry for that, I really am-
- It's not enough, why don't you understand?-
- Ok, so tell me what to do, I'll do everything is necessary to make you trust me again- he said taking her face between his hands.
- You should let me go…-
- No, no, I won't do it, never. Give me another chance, Mer, please…..I need you so much-
Derek's eyes were shiny and Meredith thought he could have started crying in any moment.
She had never seen him so desperate
He feels bad because of me…he really feels bad.
Why it had to be so complicated? That morning she was so happy….and now all she could think about was that he had left her when she needed him most, that he had lied to her about having a wife. But despite all her angriness, she didn't like seeing him like that at all.
- Derek, I don't want to hurt you, really….but try to understand…I don't know what to do. I'm confused and scared….and being around you make it harder-
- What if….you just keep thinking about it? Like we've said yesterday?- Derek suggested
- But…-
- Please, Meredith, don't give up on us like this….we can't end like this…I don't want it-
His blue eyes were deeper than usual….she couldn't take her eyes off his.
- I don't want it, too- she whispered. She was weak….she couldn't resist him.
- So, don't do it, Mer-
She nodded –Ok-
- Ok?- Derek smiled
She nodded again.
Derek was so happy that he leaned to her and kissed her softly, without thinking twice.
But then he realized he may have made a mistake….that wasn't the best moment to kiss her.
- Meredith, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…-
But she didn't let him finish because she kissed him. He put his hands between her hair and kept her closer. – I thought you would have been angry for the kiss- he said between kisses
- You were wrong- she said without give up kissing him.
After a while they were able to stop themselves.
- Wow, you're really hot, you know that?- asked Derek
- Don't make fun of me!-
- I'm not, I couldn't be more serious!-
Meredith smiled – Seriously Derek, that was an…exception. I really need time-
- I know. I'll give you all the time you need-
- I don't mean a little time to think, that was yesterday. Now I need a lot of time to trust you again….I need time not to being jealous when I saw you talking with Addison….to make sure that I can be with you without finding a new problem everyday-
- Ok-
- I could really drive you crazy-
- I don't care….I'll do everything you want-
Meredith smiled. She wasn't sure if they could work, but she was sure that she loved him more everyday.