A/N - First of all, thank you so much for the lovely reviews. They make me happy! I am beyond delighted that people are enjoying this story. Now, on the actual show, I just love when they have those delightfully anvilicious patients who hit you over the head with their "lesson" for our characters. They make me smile. So, I included my own anvil patient in this chapter. Be prepared to cringe and roll your eyes at the obviousness of it all. Originally I thought this would be a short chapter, just the stuff that was meant to go into Ch. 15 but wouldn't fit. Yet...somehow...this chapter grew. I have no idea how. I didn't know that Derek and Addison talking would lead to this result, it just sort of came out of my fingers (and yes, I know that doesn't make sense). I blame it on the horridly hot weather and the cheesy 80s music I've been listening to all night. So, to sum up, read at your own risk. Due to the bad weather and music, this chapter has grown into a long, anvilicious and unplanned monster!
Some days it just is easier to be angry. It's an excuse to not be rational, to ignore the real problem and simply see the world in flashes of red and bright white. That was just the sort of day Meredith woke up to. Sleep hadn't dulled her frustrations of the night before, somehow it seemed to have deepened the feelings into a tangled web of anger, frustration and annoyance. He mentioned Finn she thought bitterly, slamming the cabinets in the bathroom violently and nearly yanking her hair out from brushing it so fiercely. This isn't about Finn. Derek doesn't even know me at all she seethed as she got dressed for work and hurried down the stairs. However, she stopped and forced a tight smile onto her face when she got to the bottom of the staircase and caught sight of Izzie standing in the front room.
"You're up early," said Meredith, walking over to her.
"Yeah," agreed Izzie, staring intently at the DVD cabinets behind the television.
"Want to come to work with me? Bailey asked about you again." Meredith hurried into the kitchen, filling a mug up from the pot of coffee Izzie had already made. "You can listen to me go on and on about why Derek's a jackass on the way over," she called when Izzie didn't reply. "And if that's not fun then…" she wandered back into the front room to find Izzie still studying the racks of DVDs. "Izzie?"
"This is awful…these are all messed up," muttered Izzie quietly. Meredith frowned confusedly at the racks. There were a few stray DVDs sitting on top of the TV, but nearly all of them were stacked on the racks. They actually looked much cleaner then they usually did.
"I think they look okay Iz."
"No…" said Izzie slowly, turning around. "They're all out of order." A smile spread across her face. "I'll alphabetize them! And oh…I'm going to have to split them up by genre."
"Well that's an idea," said Meredith skeptically. "So, no hospital then?"
"Oh no, sorry Meredith. Have a nice day at work. I think I'll make some cute little labels for the different sections," she said happily, turning back to the DVD racks and starting to unload the movies. Meredith didn't argue with her, just shook her head in disbelief as she walked out the door.
Meredith nursed her angry bitter mood the whole way to the hospital, where she decided it was a good thing (for his sake) that she and Derek didn't wind up in the same elevator. When she got into the locker room, she immediately tuned out George and barely listened to Christina. She just glared at the door of her locker, relishing the thought that she was mad at Derek and was therefore finally spared a day of trying to decide whether she should say yes or no to dinner with him.
"Meredith!" Meredith looked down. Christina had grabbed her wrist with one hand and was waving her other hand in front of her face. "Why are you all squinty and red?"
"I'm not," she snapped, pulling her hand free and slamming her locker shut.
"Oh you so are," laughed Christina, as she followed her out of the locker room. "You're glaring at everything." Meredith just shrugged and headed towards the nurses' station. As she did, Derek came walking out of a patient's room. Meredith froze for a second and Derek looked up, smiling slightly at her. Meredith's thoughts flashed immediately back to their conversation in the parking lot, and she bit her lip to keep from resuming the argument right where it had left off the night before. Instead, she turned her head and walked straight past him. "Whoa…did you actually just ignore McDreamy?" asked Christina, looking back and forth between the two of them in confusion.
"McJackass," muttered Meredith.
"Oh, so we're boy bashing this morning," said Christina happily. "I can totally beat whatever you've got." Meredith turned to glare at Christina.
"Fine. Derek said I haven't taken him back because I actually want to go back to Finn."
"Do you?" asked Christina.
"No!" snapped Meredith incredulously. "But that's not the point. How can he not realize, how can he be so incredibly stupid…"
"Please Mer, that's nothing," interrupted Christina. "Burke asked me why I don't call him Preston."
"I mean obviously it's not Finn. How could it be Finn when I broke up with him," seethed Meredith. "The man's a doctor, he's supposed to be intelligent!" She turned abruptly to look at Christina. "Remind me to never let him anywhere near my brain."
"Why would I want to call him Preston?" continued Christina, making a face as she said the name. "I've never called him Preston."
"At least he's not using guys you used to date against you," said Meredith bitterly.
"Ha…I'm not done. He brought up physical therapy, again."
"Derek brought up Finn again."
"I told him I wasn't calling him Preston, so as punishment, he asks if I'd thought anymore about coming to physical therapy with him today," said Christina, shaking her head. "He thought it would be a good thing we could do as a couple, now that we don't see each other at work. Since when do I do couple things?"
"Seriously," agreed Meredith. "It's like they've forgotten who we are."
"Suddenly they think they're dating veterinarian-loving, overly supportive…"
"Dating? Derek's not my boyfriend," interrupted Meredith.
"Right…then why are you doing the overreacting, raging girlfriend act Izzie was so good at?"
"I am not…I'm," stammered Meredith, frowning at Christina. "You're supposed to be my person here!"
"Hey, I'm all for it," said Christina with a shrug as she patted Meredith on the arm. "McDreamy's gone too long without anyone properly ripping into him. Go for it Mer." Meredith sighed and started to answer as Bailey walked out of the elevator.
"Lets move people," she called loudly, walking towards the nurses' station. Meredith and Christina fell silent as George and Alex hurried over to join them. "O'Malley you're with me today. Karev, you know where to go." Alex groaned loudly, leaning against the counter and letting his head fall into his hands. "Is there a problem Dr. Karev?" snapped Bailey, glaring at him.
"Can I switch with O'Malley?" he asked at once, looking up hopefully.
"No. You can't," she said sharply. "Go assist Dr. Montgomery."
"But I was on the freaking vagina squad yesterday," muttered Alex, as he grabbed his coffee and trudged slowly towards the elevators.
"Grey you're with Shepherd," continued Bailey.
"Again?" said Meredith, her voice coming out angrier then she had intended. Bailey's head snapped up, and she glared at Meredith through narrowed eyes. "That's not possible," stammered Meredith quickly. "I was on neuro yesterday."
"Oh it is possible. You were assigned to neuro yesterday, and today Dr. Shepherd requested you. You want to tell me just why Shepherd's requesting you?"
"No," said Meredith quietly, looking down at the floor. She could practically feel Bailey smirking at her.
"That's what I thought," she said smugly. "Yang, I need a word with you. And Grey," Meredith sighed and looked up, nodding. "Go find Dr. Shepherd."
-----
"You requested me," said Meredith coolly, walking over to where Derek was standing.
"Yeah," said Derek, his smile faltering when he caught sight of the look in her eyes. "Meredith, I'm sorry…about last night."
"You don't get to request me just to make it easier for you to apologize," said Meredith, frowning up at him. She held out her hand for the chart he was holding, pursing her lips and studying it silently.
"Come on Mer, listen to me. I'm sorry," he said softly. "I was wrong." Meredith glanced back up, her expression softening slightly.
"I'm still mad at you," she said after a moment, closing the chart and walking down the hall towards the patient's room. She paused after a few steps, worrying that he would think she was simply walking away to see their patient. "And, by the way, this is me storming off here, Derek," she added over her shoulder, before carrying on down the hallway.
"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have brought up Finn," continued Derek, as he hurried to catch up with her.
"No, you shouldn't have. Me not wanting to have dinner with you has nothing to do with Finn," hissed Meredith.
"I know, I know," said Derek apologetically. "Addison said it wasn't about…"
"Addison said?" interrupted Meredith. She stopped walking abruptly and turned to look daggers at Derek. "Why would Addison have anything to say about this at all?" Derek winced visibly and put a hand on Meredith's shoulder, but she stepped out of his grasp.
"She saw us last night. And after you left, she came over and told me what an idiot I…" began Derek.
"You know what?" snapped Meredith, cutting him off. She thought she had been upset before, but Meredith was quickly realizing that she had just been annoyed. Now however, now she was furious. She shook her head at Derek disbelievingly. "Stop talking to me," said Meredith, her voice growing low and heavy with her emotions.
"Meredith…" said Derek pleadingly, but she ignored him, simply looking down at the chart in her hands and placing a hand on the door in front of her. Meredith forced a slight smile onto her face as the door swung open. "Good morning Mrs. Baker," she said stepping into the room. Derek sighed and walked in behind her. "What brings you here today?"
"Oh hi," said the woman seated on the bed. She looked about Meredith's age, with bright blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair cut into a short bob. Her pale skin was dusted lightly with freckles. "Please, I prefer Madeline. And I'm here today because…" she paused and glanced over at the man sitting next to her on the bed. Unlike her, he was still in street clothes, and was holding her hand tightly. The two of them exchanged sheepish smiles. "Well, I fell and hit my head," she said.
"You fell," said Derek, stepping towards the couple. He pulled out his penlight and shined it in her eyes. "Can you tell me more about how you fell?"
"Well, it's a long story," said Madeline, giggling softly. "You see, we just got married."
"We're on our honeymoon actually," interjected the man next to her. Madeline turned to smile brightly at him again.
"Yes, oh this is Ben. My husband," she said proudly, tilting her head towards him, the words clearly still new to her lips.
"Congratulations," said Derek warmly, still examining Madeline's head as they spoke. Meredith frowned slightly, struggling to keep from looking over at Derek.
"Thank you," said Madeline, grinning up at him. "Anyway, my head…well Ben and I were…celebrating…and I fell off the bed."
"She hit her head pretty hard," added Ben. "I actually thought she was unconscious for a moment or two."
"Mmhmm," said Derek. Meredith could feel him looking at her, but didn't meet his eyes. "Have you been in any pain sense then Madeline? Headaches? Dizziness?"
"Yes actually, my head's been hurting a bit. That's why my Ben insisted we come in." Madeline patted her husband's hand fondly as she spoke.
"Any suggestions, Dr. Grey?" asked Derek, and Meredith finally turned to look at him.
"I'd take her down to CT to check for bleeding," answered Meredith, not quite hiding the edge to her voice. Derek hesitated, staring at her for a moment before nodding.
"Yes, excellent. Page me when you're in there," he answered, risking a smile which Meredith didn't reciprocate.
"Of course, Dr. Shepherd," said Meredith evenly, passing the chart back to him to sign off on. As she watched him disappear down the hall, she had to swallow the lump in her throat to keep from crying out. He'd brought up Finn. He'd talked to Addison. Meredith had no idea what she was supposed to feel, but she wished like hell it didn't feel so jagged and bitter.
-----
Meredith sat in a chair with her legs crossed beneath her, watching the tech set things up for the CT and waiting for Derek to show up. It wasn't fair, she had been planning to just be annoyed about Finn. Derek deserved it, even Christina agreed. But then he went and talked to Addison about them, and Meredith didn't know what to think. Maybe he still loves her she told herself bitterly, trying to ignore the searing pain the idea sent through her. She let her head fall into her hands, and just sat there until the door opened. "She in there?" The voice was Derek's. Meredith just nodded, not looking up. She heard his footsteps pacing back and forth behind her, heard him mumbling a question to the CT tech sitting at the computer. "They're cute together," he said after a moment. He'd raised his voice slightly, and Meredith knew he was addressing her. She turned around to look at him, raising an eyebrow. She didn't answer though. At the moment, the only things she could think of to say about married couples were short and bitter and filled with too many four-letter words.
"Scan's up," interrupted the technician, and the two of them turned to look at the computer, watching as images of Madeline's brain scrolled across the screen.
"Oh no…" said Meredith softly, forgetting her own problems as she stared at the screen. "What a horrible way to celebrate your honeymoon."
"Yeah," agreed Derek, his voice quiet and tired. He sighed and straightened up. "Lets get her out of there."
Wordlessly, Meredith followed Derek back out into the hallway, trailing silently after him into Madeline Baxter's room. She always hated this part, where they went and told people just what was wrong with them. She hated watching the dance of confusion and shock and fear that played out on their faces. And so she glanced away from Madeline, focusing instead on Derek as he spoke. For the first time all day, she was grateful to have him standing next to her, grateful that she didn't have to search for the right words herself.
"A sub…what?" stammered Madeline once Derek had stopped speaking. She grasped frantically for her husband's hand, staring wide-eyed up at them.
"A subdural hematoma," repeated Derek gently.
"And now I need brain surgery?" whispered Madeline, looking absolutely horrified at the idea.
"It's one of your options. You can wait, and hope that the bleeding resolves itself naturally or I can go ahead and operate."
"Then she'll be fine? If you operate, she'll be fine?" asked Ben desperately.
"Hopefully. There's a very good chance you will be. But…the operation has its risks," said Derek quietly, the meaning behind his words painfully apparent.
"If I wait?"
"Best case scenario? The bleeding takes care of itself, and you're perfectly fine. However, if it does not and the bleeding progresses too far, the risks to the surgery increase dramatically."
"Right…" stammered Madeline. "Of course…right…I need to, to think." She glanced frantically back and forth between Derek and her husband. "I don't know what to do. I need to think about this. Please…" she pressed a hand to her head, moaning softly. "Can you leave us alone for a little while? I need to think."
Derek and Meredith nodded, excusing themselves from the room. They walked in silence together down the hall, until Meredith turned to look at Derek. "Do you think she'll get the surgery?" she asked quietly, forgetting for a moment that she was still furious with Derek.
"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "I think she should."
"Right away?" asked Meredith skeptically. "Without even thinking about it? Without taking time to consider what could happen?"
"The longer she waits, the lower her chances are of surviving the surgery."
"But she could be fine," countered Meredith.
"She could, it's a risk."
"The surgery is dangerous. She could die from it," said Meredith, looking up at Derek.
"Or it could save her. Besides," he added, grinning a little. "I'm good." Meredith rolled her eyes.
"You're insufferable," she snapped, turning to walk away. Derek reached out and caught her arm, pulling her after him into the stairwell. "What?" she asked, growing suddenly angry again.
"About earlier…about Addison."
"You want to talk about that now?" she asked, her voice growing cold. Derek nodded his head insistently, and she consented with a shrug, trying to ignore the feeling that her world had once again been shaken by Addison. They were getting a divorce, and yet somehow, she was still there.
"Why are you upset Mer?" asked Derek quietly. "Because I was talking to her? Do you not want me to talk to her anymore?" Meredith sighed and sat down on the steps, fidgeting with the hem of her scrub top.
"No…I'm not asking you to do that," she said slowly. "You were married a long time…your divorce isn't even final yet." She shook her head again. "I don't mind that you talk to her," she said heavily, wishing that her mind wasn't slowly giving in and returning to being rational.
"Meredith…" The tone of Derek's voice was urging her to speak, coaxing her to stop staring at the floor and look at him. Meredith could tell that he didn't quite believe her, that he knew she was still upset. She sighed again, biting her lip.
"Do you still love her?" she asked at last, her voice coming out very quiet and small.
"No," said Derek at once.
"No?" Meredith turned to look at him. Somehow he had managed to get a hold of her hand, and Meredith realized that she was gripping it tightly despite herself.
"No," he repeated forcefully. "Meredith, I only love you." Meredith took a shaky breath, it still didn't feel normal to hear Derek say that he loved her. It felt strange and accidental, hard to accept, hard to believe. She shifted slightly, looking away from him. "Meredith, you have to believe me. Even when Addison and I were together before we signed the papers…I couldn't look at her without thinking of you, without seeing you in her eyes. Please, trust me Mer. Addison and I are over, really truly over." He looked at her, his eyes sincere and pleading with her to believe him. And Meredith did believe him, at least a little bit, so she gave a short nod of her head. It was barely more then a slight jerk, but still, it was something.
"Fine," she said quietly, and Derek breathed a sigh of relief. Meredith turned to stare at him, her eyes searching his face. She felt exhausted. Being angry was leaving her worn thin, close to breaking. She licked her lips, feeling the temptation to just kiss Derek and settle all their problems that way. She caught his eyes traveling from her eyes down to her lips as her tongue flicked quickly out and over them. But Meredith took a deep breath and managed to look away. "But why tell her Derek?" Meredith asked at last. "I'm freaking insecure enough next to her anyway. Why does she need to know anything about us?" She looked helplessly at Derek, hoping he had an answer that she could believe in.
"She doesn't need to," began Derek, shaking his head. "It's just…she was only trying to explain, help me understand." His voice trailed off as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
"Understand?" echoed Meredith warily.
"Yes, to understand why you won't even talk to me about what we're doing. Why you're being so…difficult about this." The change in Meredith's expression was instantaneous. Her eyes clouded over, anger rushing back into her voice.
"Difficult," she snapped as she got to her feet. "Difficult? Seriously Derek, you think I'm being difficult? Finn and Addison in under twenty-four hours, and you think I'm being difficult? Seriously?" Derek started to answer but she just shook her head and walked out, letting the door slam behind her.
-----
"Meredith? What are you doing down here?" George walked over to where Meredith was sitting, curled up on an old abandoned gurney in one of the winding corridors of the hospital basement. She had searched the hospital for Christina, wanting desperately to tell her several new nicknames she'd made up for Derek. However, Meredith hadn't been able to find her anywhere, and so she had settled for simply doing her best to steer clear of Derek.
"Avoiding Shepherd," muttered Meredith, setting down the chart she'd been filling out.
"Aren't you his intern today?" asked George, hopping up to sit next to her on the gurney. Meredith nodded.
"Yes…" she said bitterly, jabbing her pen hard against the gurney. She turned and frowned at George. "What are you doing all the way down here?"
"Oh, looking for Callie," he said absently, reaching over to take some of the chips out of the bag laying next to her.
"Seriously? In the basement?"
"Umm…yeah," stammered George, blushing slightly. "I guess…I think…they keep some ortho supplies down here." He looked cautiously over at Meredith, but she just nodded again, already back to filling out her charts. "Are you alright Mer?" he asked after a moment.
"I'm hiding from Derek in the basement George," she said flatly. "So, probably not…" George opened his mouth, glancing awkwardly at her, and Meredith realized he was about to offer her some advice. She sighed and cleared her throat, not really wanting to discuss the argument she'd just had. "I'm doing better then Izzie though," she said before George could speak. "Did you see what she's doing to our movies?" He laughed and nodded his head.
"I know. I was a little scared this morning," he confided in an exaggerated whisper.
"Well just be glad there are no major holidays coming up. I don't think my house could handle her decorating."
"Yeah…" agreed George, but he shook his head, his expression growing thoughtful. "She was doing so good before the funeral. And now, she's back to…alphabetizing."
"I know."
"I wonder if she'll ever come back," continued George sadly as Meredith's pager went off. She yanked it off her waistband and looked at it.
"Can't avoid Derek now," she said as she scooped up her paperwork, smiling quickly at George before heading for the elevator at the far end of the corridor.
When Meredith made it upstairs to Madeline Baxter's room, Derek was already standing in the doorway. He turned around at the sound of Meredith's footsteps. "She's decided to have the surgery," he said to her.
"I see that, Dr. Shepherd," said Meredith, walking around him and into the room where the nurse was transferring Madeline from her bed to the gurney. "You've decided, Madeline," continued Meredith as she walked over to help the nurse.
"I did," agreed Madeline, looking up at Meredith. "I've been thinking about it and we've been talking." She gestured between herself and her husband, who was standing as close to her as he could without getting in the nurse's way. "And, I'm scared but…I don't just want to sit here wondering if the pancakes I had for breakfast this morning were really the last ones I'd ever eat…if the last time I slept with my husband was going to be the time I fell out of the bed. I don't want to…" she paused to wipe a tear away from her eye. "I don't want to just sit here thinking about everything that could go wrong when I have a chance to do something and get better. So that I can eat more pancakes and..." Madeline glanced up at her husband again, smiling as another tear ran down her cheek. "Have sex that doesn't cause brain damage. So yes," she said, nodding her head. "I'll have the surgery."
-----
Meredith stalked silently after Derek, not once meeting his eyes. The scrub room was deathly quiet with the tension between the two of them, and the scrub nurses exchanged curious glances before leaving to take Madeline Baxter into the OR. Meredith stared at her hands as she washed them, pretending she didn't know that Derek was looking at her.
"Meredith," he began at last. She walked past him and dried off her hands. "Meredith please, you've been ignoring me all day." She ignored the pleading tone in his voice as best she could, hating that the hurt wounded look in his eyes forced her to hesitate at the door instead of marching straight into the OR. "Meredith?" She let her hand fall away from the door, and slowly turned around. "Why are you upset Mer?" he asked, taking a step towards her.
"Don't Mer me," Meredith snapped at once, because it was easier then considering his question. Derek sighed but nodded.
"Why Meredith? Is it because I mentioned Finn?" Meredith shrugged. "Because I talked to Addison?" Meredith pursed her lips, glaring at the floor. She didn't answer, but her whole body had tensed up. "Meredith…" continued Derek hesitantly, as if trying to guess her thoughts.
"What? What Derek? What am I supposed to say…you just think I'm difficult, remember?"
"Mer…"
"No seriously," said Meredith, walking towards him. "You think I'm being difficult. Right?"
"I think you're making this difficult," said Derek at last. "You won't tell me what you want Meredith."
"I told you," protested Meredith, growing suddenly defensive. "I need time to think. I don't know what I want, I need to think."
"Can't you just know, Meredith?" asked Derek, his voice low and pleading as he walked closer to her. He reached out, his fingers trailing slowly down the line of her face. "I know. I don't need to think…I just know that I want you." Meredith shivered at his touch, and if her body alone could have answered, it would have screamed yes…utterly, completely yes.
"No," said Meredith flatly. "It's stupid to just leap blindly…" She shrugged and glared at Derek. "I need to think, I need to be rational, which is really hard to do when you keep bringing Finn and Addison into things." She pulled away from Derek, walking over towards the other end of the scrub room.
"Meredith, you know Addison and I are over. That's not what's going on here."
"Oh, then what is, Dr. Shepherd? Enlighten me," sneered Meredith.
"What's going on is you're putting Addison and Finn and anything you can think of in between us, to keep from having to decide what you want to do." Meredith rolled her eyes and started to look away, but Derek kept talking. "But Meredith, some things you just have to know. Some things…no matter how much you avoid or rationalize, there's always going to be a risk. It's like…" he hesitated, seeming at a loss for words. "It's like Madeline Baxter," he said after a moment.
"Excuse me?"
"Yes. The surgery is a risk, no matter how much you think about. That doesn't change anything. She just had to know. She had to stop thinking so much and just know her life was worth the risk. Can't you believe that we're worth whatever you're afraid of?"
"Seriously?" asked Meredith incredulously, walking towards Derek, her arms crossed over her chest. "What the hell Derek? That was the saddest metaphor that I've ever…did you seriously just compare our relationship to a brain that is bleeding?"
"It makes sense," protested Derek defensively.
"It does not," snapped Meredith loudly. Her eyes flashed as she leaned towards him, tilting her head back to glare straight up into his eyes.
"Yes, it does," he insisted, shifting his weight so that they were standing even closer together. Meredith shook her head. She raised her hand to push him away, but somehow just ended running her fingers down his chest. She didn't mean to, but the way Derek was looking at her was making her blood burn in her veins. Without realizing it, Meredith slowly traced the line of her lower lip with her tongue. By now their bodies were barely an inch apart, their breathing synchronized, yet loud and rough with frustration. They stood motionless, just staring at each other, until the door to the scrub room opened and a nurse poked her head in.
"Umm…Mrs. Baxter is ready now Dr. Shepherd," she said hesitantly before walking quickly back into the OR. Meredith turned quickly from Derek, only just realizing that everyone standing on the other side of the large glass window that separated the scrub room from the OR was staring wide-eyed at them.
"Shit…" muttered Meredith under her breath. She turned back to Derek, her pulse still racing as she hurriedly tied on her mask. "Come on, Dr. Shepherd. Our patient is waiting." Her voice was short and clipped, and she marched into the OR without waiting for his reply.
Derek followed her into the OR in silence, the staff within awkwardly averting their eyes from the two of them. Meredith sighed and took her place, looking down at the unconscious figure of Madeline Baxter. It was easier to focus on Madeline then on Derek, and Meredith stared at the blue surgical towels, even though she knew Derek was watching her. However, when he abandoned his usual catchphrase and instead simply called for a scalpel, Meredith looked up. Their eyes met for a moment; hungry and angry and stubborn and confused. But after a second they both turned away as Derek brought the scalpel down towards Madeline's scalp.
Meredith was doing her best to stay angry at Derek. However, she had to keep reminding herself to hate him. Hate, hate, hate. It was exceedingly difficult when he kept glancing up at her over Madeline's body. She knew he was frustrated, probably even angry, because his blue eyes had darkened and were almost black when he looked at her. Meredith could feel the curious gazes of the scrub nurses, could tell that they were watching the way she and Derek kept staring at each other. She knew she should be embarrassed, but their eyes felt like nothing compared to Derek's. Her skin burned when he looked at her. Hate, hate, hate…Meredith reminded herself, purposely narrowing her eyes at him, trying to ignore the way he had just said "suction." "More suction," it was a surgical command but it was so much more. It made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. It was all that he could say in a room full of people, but his voice was low and thick with frustration and the unfinished argument that hung between the two of them. Hate…except it made Meredith want to push him backwards, straddling him over the OR table. She wanted to either scream at him or screw him, but she couldn't do either. No, she reminded herself once more, forcing herself to focus on Madeline Baxter's brain and nothing more. Hate, hate, hate…