A/N - Thank you so much for the lovely reviews. The title for this chapter comes from the lyrics to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. (Yes, I love the Goo Goo Dolls, I grew up on them. Don't judge me lol ;) Anyway, if you own that song and want to make me super happy, but it on repeat when you read the second half of this chapter. I listened to it the whole time I was writing, and the lyrics just remind me so much of Mer/Der. Anyway, the next update after this may take a bit longer because I'm going out of town, so my apologies for that. I'll bring my computer with though, and see what I can do. So read away, and please review. I love to hear what people think!


Meredith lay on her bed, glaring at her ringing phone. It was vibrating closer and closer to the edge of her bedside table, and Meredith grudgingly held out her hand, catching her phone as it finally fell over the edge. She glanced at the caller id and flipped it open, rolling over onto her stomach as she answered.

"Hello," she muttered.

"Hey, where are you?" It was Christina, talking very rapidly and loudly into the phone. "Are you still at work?"

"No, I'm at home. Where were you all day?" asked Meredith. "You will not believe what Derek did," she added angrily.

"Long story Mer. I'll tell you at Joe's."

"At Joe's?"

"Yeah. You're coming to Joe's with me," said Christina decidedly.

"I don't want to go to Joe's," moaned Meredith. "I want to lay here and tell you why I hate Derek Shepherd."

"You can tell me at Joe's." Meredith just moaned again, pulling a pillow over her face. "You don't want to go to Joe's?" asked Christina incredulously. "There'll be tequila, and I'll even listen and comment thoughtfully." Meredith groaned and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of her bed.

"Fine," she agreed.

"Okay good," said Christina happily. "Now get your ass out of bed and down to Joe's."

"How did you know I was in bed…" began Meredith as she got up and bent down to find her shoes. "Are you stalking me?" she asked skeptically.

"Yes Meredith. I'm outside your window watching you right now," deadpanned Christina. "No, you're just freaking predictable. Get up, come meet me at Joe's." With that, Christina hung up. Meredith rolled her eyes at her phone before slipping it into the back pocket of her jeans and grabbing her purse off the floor. Izzie and George were sitting together on the floor in the middle of the front room, and Meredith just shouted a hurried "Joe's" over her shoulder when they asked where she was going. She may have complained at first, but it didn't really take that much convincing to get her to go to Joe's. She was Meredith Grey after all.

When Meredith got to Joe's, Christina was already there sitting at the bar, a drink in hand. "Finally," she said, looking up as Meredith sat down.

"Alcohol Joe," said Meredith, turning to smile wryly at Joe. "Alcohol, tequila…lots of it." She looked back at Christina who was staring bitterly down into the bottom of her drink. "And what's wrong with you?" asked Meredith, frowning at her. "You look more like me then me."

"Burke called Bailey," said Christina flatly.

"Huh?"

"He called Bailey," repeated Christina, her voice rising. "He actually called her about me."

"Oh…" said Meredith, still sounding confused. She took the shot Joe handed her and swallowed it quickly, fighting off the urge to complain about Derek until the wildly furious look on Christina's face lessened slightly. "What did he…"

"So this morning," continued Christina, cutting Meredith's question short. "Bailey comes over to me and says that it's perfectly fine if I want to take today off to go with Burke. That I'm entitled to take a personal day or two when my boyfriend gets shot. She told me she completely understood and that I shouldn't have been afraid to ask," ranted Christina, shaking her head in disbelief. "Then, she practically marched me out the door herself so I could go to physical therapy with Burke."

"Seriously?" asked Meredith incredulously. "I thought you told Burke that you didn't want to go. That doesn't make any sense. Why would he tell Bailey that if…" began Meredith, the three shots of tequila she'd downed in rapid succession already causing her to start rambling a little.

"I didn't," interrupted Christina bitterly. "I told him I'd love to but I couldn't because of work…that Bailey would kill me if I missed a day." She glared down at the counter. "I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Since when I am concerned about feelings?"

"Oh," said Meredith, her voice growing quiet.

"I spent all day with Burke. At the physical therapists, then going out to lunch, and being thoughtful and worrying about feelings," raged Christina. She picked up her glass and drained the drink in one deep swallow and motioned to Joe for a refill. "I've been so freaking supportive it hurts."

"Well at least Burke cares about you and wants to spend time with you."

"It's pathetic," interjected Christina.

"It's better then talking about you to his ex-wife," said Meredith bitterly. Christina looked up from her drink.

"He's talking to Addison about you?" she asked disbelievingly.

"Uh huh…" mumbled Meredith as she swallowed another mouthful of tequila. She slammed the empty shot glass down on the counter and turned to look at Christina. "And then he comes and tells me that I need to know what I want…that I…" she hesitated, struggling to think of what she wanted to say. "He tried to compare our relationship to a subdural hematoma," she said at last.

"Seriously?" laughed Christina.

"Yes seriously," continued Meredith, her voice rising as she spoke. "Apparently our whole relationship can be summed up as a traumatic head injury." She paused and shook her head. "Actually yes, that describes all of this perfectly. One big, messy accident. Oh, and painful. A painful, possibly deadly accident."

"So you and McDreamy are fighting then," smirked Christina, looking slightly happier now that she wasn't the only one who was bitter and pissed off.

"That's an understatement," said Meredith as she downed another shot. She moaned and set the empty glass down on the counter, shaking her head. "We had this huge fight in the scrub room while we were scrubbing in for surgery, and everyone in the OR saw us."

"Ohh…" Christina raised her eyebrows, her voice fluctuating between amused and understanding. "Fun surgery." Meredith rolled her eyes at her.

"It was not fun," she said crossly. "It was horrible…I was so mad. I am so mad, so completely…"

"What did you do after the surgery?" interrupted Christina curiously. "Fling scalpels at him?" she asked with a smirk.

"I ran."

"Seriously, you ran?"

"Yes. I fled the scene," snapped Meredith. "It was either that or…" she sighed and looked at Christina. "Do you ever get so completely furious at someone that the only rational thing left to do is have sex?" Christina snorted into her drink.

"Rational isn't the word I'd use Mer."

"Fine, whatever," said Meredith absently, still caught up in her own thoughts. "But that's what would of happened if I stayed. So I ran. It's just he's so…so completely frustrating. First Finn, then Addison and then with the metaphors," she shook her head angrily. "The freaking metaphors, like this is all my fault. Like I'm supposed to just know what I want. You know he said I'm doing it on purpose, to avoid figuring us out. He's so stupid. Why would I enjoy torturing myself?" Meredith picked up her shot and threw the drink violently down her throat. "I hate him! I definitely hate him. I'm never speaking to him again," she said adamantly.

"Shit…this is not happening," said Christina, glancing over her shoulder.

"No it is happening," continued Meredith. "I mean it. I'm not saying another word to him."

"No, not that," hissed Christina. "This." She pushed the barstool Meredith was sitting on, spinning her around so that she was facing the door. Derek and Burke had just walked in together and were talking in the doorway. Meredith swirled immediately back around on her seat, and in a testament to how many drinks she'd had, did not quietly slip out the back door. Instead she leaned forward, her elbows on the counter.

"Joe!" she called, and the bartender turned around and walked over to her. "Can you hide us?" asked Meredith urgently. "Like maybe down there, behind the bar?" She peered hopefully over the edge of the counter.

"You're stupid Mer," said Christina as Joe just laughed and shook his head. Meredith glanced back over her shoulder at Derek and Burke, who appeared to have spotted them.

"Crap…they're coming over," muttered Meredith. Christina just grabbed the shot glass that was resting in Meredith's hand, and drained it herself. "Hey," said Meredith, turning to look at her. "I needed that."

"I needed it more," began Christina. "Burke…hey," she added, smiling up at him as he appeared at her side. "What are you doing here?"

"I might ask you the same question," he said, a puzzled look on his face.

"I'm here with a friend."

"So am I." He gestured towards Derek who was standing silently beside him, his hands in the pockets of his coat. He was staring at Meredith who was staring straight back at him, although neither of them had moved to speak.

"You two aren't friends," snapped Christina, raising an eyebrow.

"Well Derek had some nerve therapy ideas that he wanted to discuss," began Burke but Christina cut him off.

"Oh…more therapy," she moaned loudly. Burke frowned in confusion. "Go, discuss your therapy then." Christina waved her hand at the two men as if to shoo them away. However, Derek and Meredith were still perfectly motionless, their attention transfixed on nothing but each other. Burke and Christina glanced simultaneously at them before looking back at each other.

"Actually, may I have a word with you in private?" asked Burke. Christina rolled her eyes but nodded in agreement. However, as she started to get down from the barstool, Meredith looked away from Derek.

"Christina…" she hissed, but Christina just shrugged and mouthed "good luck" before walking away to a table with Burke. Meredith sighed heavily and turned back to her drink, trying to ignore the feel of Derek's eyes on her.

"Meredith," he began quietly. The sound of his voice brought her straight back to the argument in the scrub room and, for an instant, she seriously considered pulling Derek towards her and kissing him. But almost immediately the feeling passed and she shook her head, yanking her purse off the counter.

"I am so not staying here for this," she snapped heatedly, pausing for just a second to glare at Derek, before hopping down from the stool and heading for the door.

-----

Meredith pushed the door open and hurried outside. The cool night air was a sharp contrast to the warmth of the bar, and she shivered as she searched through her purse for her keys. Come on, she thought, digging frantically through the mess of stuff in her bag until her fingers finally wrapped around the cool metallic edge of a key. She yanked them out of her purse and quickened her pace. Meredith had no doubt that Derek would follow her out of Joe's, and she had no intention of waiting around long enough for him to catch up with her. However, in her hurry to get away from Joe's, she fumbled with her keys and dropped them. By the time she grabbed them again and straightened up, Derek was already leaning against the door to her car.

"I'm not talking to you," snapped Meredith, glaring up at him. "And you're in my way."

"Give me your keys Meredith," said Derek, his voice sounding gentle but firm.

"No," she said incredulously, tightening her grip on her car keys.

"Meredith you can't drive like this," he insisted. "You've had too much to drink. Let me drive you home."

"I'm fine." Her mind felt like it was reeling, but she took another step towards her car, her annoyance quickly escalating into anger.

"Mer…come on," tried Derek again, but she just glared stubbornly at him. Derek sighed and reached out, his fingers easily unclenching her fist and slipping her keys from her grasp. Meredith gasped, her eyes wide with shock, as Derek put her keys in his pocket.

"You did not just do that," she hissed.

"Meredith calm down," reasoned Derek, placing a hand gently on her shoulder. But she just shook her head and pulled away. The fact that, secretly, she knew he was right was only serving to irritate her further.

"Calm down?" she echoed incredulously, turning away. Meredith swung her purse back onto her shoulder and began to walk quickly across the parking lot.

"What are you doing?" asked Derek, hurrying after her.

"Going home," she snapped.

"You're walking there?"

"Yes," said Meredith, whirling around to glare at Derek, but continuing to walk backwards. "I'm walking there since you won't let me drive." She turned back around, tripping slightly on an uneven corner of the sidewalk. She grabbed a signpost to steady herself, and in the few seconds it took for Meredith to regain her balance, Derek had caught up to her. "Leave me alone," she said angrily, hating the whirlwind of emotions that Derek was creating within her.

"Meredith," insisted Derek, walking after her as she once again began to hurry down the street. "Stop avoiding me."

"Stop following me!" shouted Meredith, glaring at him over her shoulder.

"Then stop running away from me," he countered, annoyance starting to creep into his voice as well. Meredith hesitated for a moment, staring up into his eyes. But she couldn't think of words to describe what she was feeling, she didn't even know how to understand it herself. Running just seemed easier.

"Why should I? What do you want from me Derek?" she snapped at last. Derek shook his head, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

"I want you Meredith," he said simply. "I want us to be us again." His eyes managed to be simultaneously pleading and frustrated as he watched her shake her head yet again.

"Maybe I'm not ready," she hissed. "Maybe I don't want to. Maybe we just can't." She pivoted on her heel and resumed walking away. After a moment, she realized that Derek had stopped following her. He was simply standing in the middle of the sidewalk, watching her. Meredith slowed her pace, finally coming to a stop, but not turning around.

"You don't want to?" he asked quietly. "Is that why you haven't once said…" Derek paused and took a deep breath. "Do you still love me, Meredith?" Meredith didn't move, she couldn't. She could hear her heartbeat, the loud pulsing sound filling her head and keeping her from thinking. She shivered as she stood staring straight ahead, her back turned to Derek, and she bit down hard on her lip to keep from crying. "Do you Meredith?" asked Derek again, his voice rising loudly. The sound shook Meredith back to life, started up that heady, burning feeling that rushed through her veins whenever he was near her.

"Maybe I don't," she blurted out, forcing herself to start walking again. This was dangerous, what he was asking her was dangerous. It had the potential to leave her as shattered and broken as she'd ever been.

"Then tell me you don't love me," said Derek as he walked after her.

"I don't," she declared, quickening her pace and keeping her eyes trained on the ground in front of her.

"Look at me when you say it," insisted Derek, but Meredith wouldn't turn around, wouldn't stop walking down the sidewalk. "Meredith, look at me," he repeated, his voice growing louder and more forceful. Derek reached out and grabbed Meredith's arm, spinning her back around to face him. She collided with him, gasping as she fell against his chest, their bodies pressed tightly together. Meredith turned her face away, staring over his shoulder. "Meredith…" She shook her head, but she was starting to tremble and couldn't keep her fingers from gripping Derek's arm tightly. "Look me in my eyes and say that you don't love me," said Derek. He wasn't yelling anymore. His voice had turned low and hoarse, as if dreading her response, and something in it pulled her gaze towards him. Meredith blinked away the tears in her eyes as she stared up at Derek.

"I…I…" she stammered, but she couldn't force her lips to say the words. His eyes were boring into her, and Meredith knew that if she could lie for just one more second, if she could just say she didn't love him once to his face, he would let her be. She would be safe. Derek would walk away, force himself to accept it, and let her be. She would be safe, but as she stared at him, Meredith knew if she said it she would never be whole again. The whole world seemed to be spinning, and she had no idea how she was still managing to stand, but she felt almost painfully alive. "I love you Derek," she said at last, not fully realizing that she was speaking. "I love you," she repeated breathlessly, her hand reaching up to run along the side of his cheek.

"You do?" he asked softly, his whole face breaking into a smile. Meredith nodded her head. Her heart was racing in her chest and she didn't have any breath left to speak with, so she simply pulled Derek to her and kissed him as hard as she could. She felt Derek kiss her back instantly, his fingers tangling up in the long loose strands of her hair, as they staggered backwards until they were pressed up against the back wall of Joe's. When they finally pulled away, Meredith's lips were already slightly swollen. She tilted her head forward, so her forehead rested against his as she gasped for breath. "I love you too Mer," he whispered, reaching up to smooth her hair back behind her ears.

"Yes," she whispered back, smiling up at him. Her heart was still racing, but Derek's arms felt tight and safe around her.

"Yes," he echoed and Meredith leaned forward, turning her head to lay on his shoulder. She could feel Derek's hands idly tracing circles down his back. "Meredith?" he said gently after a few minutes, and she murmured a response. He leaned forward, brushing her hair away to whisper into her ear. "Mer…" Meredith shivered at the warmth of his breath against her skin, and the soft brush of his lips upon her as he spoke.

"Derek," she gasped lightly, straightening up to look him in the eyes.

"Does this mean we can try to be us now?" His voice was earnest, sincere, hopeful…and there was a light in his eyes that Meredith recognized from a long time ago. She chewed thoughtfully on her lip.

"I'm afraid Derek," she said at last, glancing away from him as she spoke. Derek reached out and gently turned her face back towards him. He looked encouragingly at her, but she hesitated.

"Of what?" he coaxed. Meredith squeezed her eyes shut, hating that she was starting to cry. She pressed her face back into his shoulder, shaking her head slightly. "Shhh…" he soothed, his voice once again a murmur in her ear. "Mer, tell me. What is it?"

"Losing you…" she managed to say, her voice muffled against his chest. She sighed and forced herself to look up, quickly wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. "When you left me before…it was…it was…" stammered Meredith. "It was horrible. It almost destroyed me. I'm afraid to go back to you Derek because…I don't know how I could survive you leaving me again." She shrugged and looked away, staring fixedly at the lamppost across the street.

"Ohh ," said Derek quietly, shaking his head. "But Meredith, I don't want to leave you." He reached out and cupped her face in his hand, pulling her attention back to him. "I never want to leave you." Meredith blinked her eyes, unable to stop the tears that were spilling down her cheeks.

"That's what you thought about Addison though," she said at last. Derek sighed and nodded his head. "So how do you know it won't happen with me?"

"I loved Addison. I thought she was the love of my life." Meredith frowned and shifted uncomfortably, but Derek didn't let go of her face. "But Meredith, what I felt for her on our wedding day…it doesn't come close to what I feel whenever I think of you." He paused for a second, taking a breath and smiling at her. "See…Meredith, I love you in this really, really big way, where I let you eat the last piece of cheesecake and pretend to like your taste in music. Hell, I really will hold a radio over my head if it'll help convince you. You're once in a lifetime Mer." Meredith shook her head, smiling through the tears that were running down her face.

"You're cheesy," she said softly, her voice trembling as she spoke.

"You love it," he said decidedly, smiling back at her. Meredith blinked in surprise, suddenly realizing that his eyes were glistening as well.

"And you're cocky," she added as her smile turned into a full out grin.

"And you love it," he repeated, and Meredith shook her head and started to laugh.

"And I love it," she agreed. She ran her tongue over her teeth, leaning back a little to look at him. "So you want to be us again Derek?"

"Yeah…" his voice was a low whisper, and the sound alone brought another smile to Meredith's face. "Please Mer, can we try?" Meredith took a deep breath, stepping close to Derek again so that their lips were nearly touching.

"We can," she said softly, speaking into his mouth.

Slowly their lips ran together again, parting open for each other as Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek's neck. She felt his hands move down to her waist, slipping beneath the fabric of her shirt and skimming lightly across her stomach. Meredith moaned slightly and pulled him closer to her, gasping as his mouth slid down and over the smooth skin of her neck. Her body was tilting instinctively towards him, and her mind was starting to go numb from the feeling of his hands on her.

Meredith gasped for breath and pulled away for a second. She glanced over her shoulder. The windows of Joe's bar were still glowing from within and she could hear the soft hum of music through the wall she was pressed up against. "Take me home Derek," she panted, her voice light and breathy as she hooked her fingers around the collar of his jacket. He raised his eyebrows at her and Meredith giggled, leaning forward and kissing him again. She could feel Derek smiling against her mouth as one of his hands reached up to run through her hair, and the other wrapped tightly about her, leading her away from the back wall of Joe's and towards his car in the parking lot.